Lola B
 Offline
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Posts: 72
|
 |
« on: September 04, 2019, 10:36:55 AM » |
|
I made my first post about the impact on me of managing maybe BPD in a child. She is an adult (college age) and she has had rejection from very early on. I grew up in violence and dysfunction, married it and had a kid, divorced it and she suffered since age three with a path narcissist/lawyer.
I have partnered with unhealthy people throughout life although my best girlfriend is healthy and has a loving, supportive husband.
I'm 46, was out of the world recovering from catastrophic injuries for the past 2 years, and am actively processing the loneliness I feel and the frustration of the men who find me interesting. (Mid thirties, super shy, mid thirties with babies, 20 years older, desperate and horny.)
The one guy who fits the bill identified my kid's unhealthy emotional state and ran away. He has had no problem telling me he's been through too much and can't do that. She is off at college so we chatted and he told me this.
I have also had a girlfriend that has remained by my side who is thrilled when I complain about my kid and adds in how "everybody" sees it and doesn't she know she has to ... fill in the blank with the BS advice from a healthy perspective that people provide. This woman was the favorite child among 4, and can't land a man to save her life.
I would like very much to point out how alcohol/weed dependent nearly all the advice-givers are, how they are scrambling to find a partner by nearly any means necessary but behave in ways that turn people off just like my kid (who has experienced serial trauma since 3). These same advice-givers had healthy, doting parents and siblings. My kid had a path narc who accused her of attempting to kill her brother at age 7 when I was in hospital and didn't want to have any responsibility for looking out for her while I was dying. I lived, clearly. Oh, and when he made his new family, he kicked her out at age 9 for having a cell phone which the new wife found. And by the way, the new wife became a widow only 2 years prior to the new marriage to the path narc when her husband was killed in a corporate shooting in NY on the anniversary of the towers falling where he had narrowly escaped. So ex likes his women broken and broke his own daughter.
Ahhhh, I have gotten off course. So the brain is the last to recover, and among my zillion broken bones and scrambled organs, I sustained a traumatic brain injury (TBI). What happened for me to recover was that I kind of relived my life except I developed a fantasy relationship with a professional that was assigned to me. I developed a lovely storyline in my head and was objectively attracted to him. He did something to trigger my TBI rage (common side product of injury) and I turned into the Hulk. I terminated his professional involvement. Then I calmed down a week later and fell apart. The fantasy was nearly a year long and was delaying my devastation of being single, broken, broke, and having a BPD-like kid (it might be complex trauma but has all the symptoms of BPD).
I am now many months out from having the fantasy of perfect love and the crickets that chirp sound like they're laughing. I'm finally able to unravel the "normal" "healthy" feelings of disappointment in love, loneliness, isolation when I see people paired up, frustration with the forwardness of my handsy but extremely generous neighbor (I shut him completely down, no worries--I don't have a filter anymore (common with TBI), and fear about aging alone with dementia fear since I had a TBI.
I texted my friend "Is heaven for real"? And got a pretty good response. I'm done "praying" after everything I've endured. I don't want to beg for things and love from an invisible guy in the sky who usually doesn't deliver. I'm just living from a place of kindness. Like attracts like, anyway, which is why admitting secrets on here is helpful. It dissipates the unhealth.
I may start driving again, I'm able to walk and move, I'm planning to teach a low-impact dance class by year's end, one lawsuit settled so some paperwork can be burned, neurologist told me to plan to get back to work because I'm astonishingly recovered and much too young to eat dinner at 2:00 pm, and that will get me out of the necessary habit of begging for rides of people who were not nearly as good a driver as the one driving when we were hit (it was a cop doing 89 in a school zone at 5:30 pm responding 2nd to a false 911 call, as it turns out).
Ahhhhh. I have wanted to tweet that for 2 years but I can't.
BTW, I don't hate cops. I hate people who abuse power they have no business having, which won't stop during the litigation, which will spark a whole new round of lunacy (understandable but sickening to think about.)
So, summing up, I got scrambled and fried, am middle age, broke, lonely, have a traumatized college kid with BPD symptoms, have been in litigation for years (total loss crash a year before the big one), hit the deepest rock bottom a month ago and took impulse action (common symptom of TBI), got put on meds that work but make me fat, and the kid's cat is now depressed because she misses kid.
I have no idea what I intended to say here, but I feel much better.
I'd say God bless, but that doesn't work for me anymore. Be well.
|
