custody

[Craigseperated]

Hi  positive ex wife has BPD need custody advice thanks

[mart555]

I assume you have browsed this forum quite a bit?  Lots of threads that likely already covered what you're looking for..

[worriedStepmom]

Hi Craig!

Are you already divorced?  Do you already have a custody order in place?  How old are your kids?

[momtara]

Hi Craig. I'm sorry you're going through this. Many others here have. If you can get some time to write more and give more specifics, you'll get some good insight.

[ForeverDad]

What the others are saying is that we can't properly make a focused response to one posted line.  Please provide some details and then we can definitely share the communication skills, general relationship / legal perspectives and solid parenting strategies that can help you be a more successful parent.

Here are a few pointers that apply to just about everyone.

Since you mention custody issues, can we conclude you are already dealing with family court?  Family courts and the professionals associated with court do seem to avoid naming the "Elephant in the Room".  Since many families that arrive in family court are under stress and emotions are running high, the professionals assume (correctly for most cases) that the tensions are transitory, that is, as time goes on the initial discord and tension will fade over time as the parents settle into the reality of the ended relationship.  However, it's not the case for the 10-15% of divorcing families where BPD, NPD or some other combination of acting-out PDs is involved.  That conflict is systemic and time will not fix the problems.  So it may take a while for the professionals to accept that the issues are deeper than just the usual stresses of separation and divorce.

Also, you may be convinced it is BPD (or some other acting-out Personality Disorder) but as I stated above the court and associated professionals will be very reluctant to name (or blame) a diagnosis.  In fact, most of us here never succeeded in getting their courts to seek a diagnosis.  That was my experience too, I was in and out of family court from 2005 to 2013.  And they probably don't believe you as the exiting partner are qualified and trained to "Play Doctor" either.

So what to do if you can't get officials to acknowledge or diagnose a PD?  Do what the courts do.  While they do have many default laws, case law, policies and procedures, they factor in the documented behaviors and behavior patterns of the parents.  You can support that approach by documenting the other parent's behaviors.  Do you maintain a log, diary or calendar of incidents?  Include details because vague claims such as "he always..." or "she always..." are often heard and discounted as hearsay.  Also, courts and professionals do give more emphasis to the behaviors that impact the children and parenting.  One parent ranting and raging against the other parent is less of a concern to court than how the parenting is impacted.

There is much you can learn here.  We've found that improving our communication skills is essential to reduce the friction between the parents.  JADE (justify, argue, defend, explain) is often lost on the problem parent and can even prolong the conflict.  There are other approaches (BIFF and others) described here in peer support that admittedly don't fix things but do help immensely.  Also, we have excellent discussions on how to make the best use of mediation, choosing lawyers, approaching a variety of triggering situations, etc.