Part 2 Friends playing rescuer

[Enabler]

Hey CT,

I appreciate your interjection, I really really do. This isn't a conventional choice I'll give you that, nor do I 'want' to live with someone who lies and cheats and attempts to deceive me... but for a number of reasons, not least the fact that I have 3 kids aged 6,9 & 11 whom I see are materially but not overtly harmed by my wife's behaviours on a daily basis. I am prepared to endure the hardship and I have incredibly strong shoulders which are somewhat lighter for knowing about BPD. I am confident that my W has a titanic internal battle going on inside her, trying to prop up her false reality and assure herself that she is in a metaphorical cage.

Yes, there are aspects of my behaviour which are hypervigilent looking for things in the shadows that maybe aren't there. My friends all say they aren't in contact with my W, I have to trust them on this. I can't assume that everyone lies similarly to my W just because she's incapable of telling the truth. I don't want a divorce and I won't enable that divorce in a proactive way, however, I will do what is required.

FF... last time she requested paperwork I completed the required paperwork file and kept it at work until the due date. I made no effort to be visibly completing the task at home and waited for her to organise the sit down meeting... it never happened, she went out with friends... I never mentioned it.

Enabler  

[Enabler]

Has it occurred to you that this request is coming largely in response to her financial request of several weeks ago being turned down? She is having to regroup on financials, because E closed down the ATM.

Potentially yes, it could be a case of smacking me with the financials club after she felt hurt by the lack of free cash.

[formflier]

  I am confused by some of your advice FF to basically obstruct this request.  You are saying that Enabler's values are to stay married.  

Pretty close...let me tweak your understanding a bit.

Axiom 1:  Most of us show up here all twisted up after going through the "BPD mind blender".  

Axiom 2:  The result of the "mind blender" is that most of us realize that we are so far away from "living out" any sort of value that we hold dear...that we wonder who we are.  (we are lost sheep)

Axiom 3:  Our living out our values is not dependent on other people living them out.  (such as..I'll be truthful as long as you are, otherwise..I'll lie my azz off)

Therefore...part of us "nons" getting healthy is to obviously, unapologetically live out our values..state our values, even in the face of bpd rage.  Perhaps better said..especially when faced with BPD rage.

Oh.. yeah.  Axiom 4:  Enabler and his wife each get separate "votes" on their marriage.  Sadly we know that a single "no" vote wins (if carried to it's logical conclusion).

See Axiom 3.  Enabler values his marriage.  He votes yes.  His vote isn't contingent on her vote.  She may experience this as "obstruction"...and that's fine.  Let her rage at not getting her way.


Not sure if it should be a full fledged axiom, but there is wisdom in letting a person bear the full brunt of their decisions.  

Given all this.  Why should Enabler make it one bit easier on his wife to "vote no" on the marriage?


Best,

FF

[Enabler]

Proverbs 25:15

With patience a ruler may be persuaded,
    and a soft tongue will break a bone

[ct21218]

Hey CT,

I appreciate your interjection, I really really do. This isn't a conventional choice I'll give you that, nor do I 'want' to live with someone who lies and cheats and attempts to deceive me... but for a number of reasons, not least the fact that I have 3 kids aged 6,9 & 11 whom I see are materially but not overtly harmed by my wife's behaviours on a daily basis. I am prepared to endure the hardship and I have incredibly strong shoulders which are somewhat lighter for knowing about BPD. I am confident that my W has a titanic internal battle going on inside her, trying to prop up her false reality and assure herself that she is in a metaphorical cage.

Yes, there are aspects of my behaviour which are hypervigilent looking for things in the shadows that maybe aren't there. My friends all say they aren't in contact with my W, I have to trust them on this. I can't assume that everyone lies similarly to my W just because she's incapable of telling the truth. I don't want a divorce and I won't enable that divorce in a proactive way, however, I will do what is required.

FF... last time she requested paperwork I completed the required paperwork file and kept it at work until the due date. I made no effort to be visibly completing the task at home and waited for her to organise the sit down meeting... it never happened, she went out with friends... I never mentioned it.

Enabler  

Are your kids in therapy at all?  Kids can pick up on a lot, including your hypervigilance, your hostile relationship with your wife, etc?  They may not verbalize it, but I am sure they are affected in some way.  While I think your intentions are noble, I think you are not seeing the whole picture if you don't see that what you are modeling for them is not at all healthy.

[Cat Familiar]

This thread has reached its maximum length and is now locked. The conversation continues here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=339747.msg13078444#msg13078444