I am confused by some of your advice FF to basically obstruct this request. You are saying that Enabler's values are to stay married.
Pretty close...let me tweak your understanding a bit.
Axiom 1: Most of us show up here all twisted up after going through the "BPD mind blender".
Axiom 2: The result of the "mind blender" is that most of us realize that we are so far away from "living out" any sort of value that we hold dear...that we wonder who we are. (we are lost sheep)
Axiom 3: Our living out our values is not dependent on other people living them out. (such as..I'll be truthful as long as you are, otherwise..I'll lie my azz off)
Therefore...part of us "nons" getting healthy is to obviously, unapologetically live out our values..state our values, even in the face of
bpd rage. Perhaps better said..especially when faced with BPD rage.
Oh.. yeah. Axiom 4: Enabler and his wife each get separate "votes" on their marriage. Sadly we know that a single "no" vote wins (if carried to it's logical conclusion).
See Axiom 3. Enabler values his marriage. He votes yes. His vote isn't contingent on her vote. She may experience this as "obstruction"...and that's fine. Let her rage at not getting her way.
Not sure if it should be a full fledged axiom, but there is wisdom in letting a person bear the full brunt of their decisions.
Given all this. Why should Enabler make it one bit easier on his wife to "vote no" on the marriage?
Best,
FF