Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
October 31, 2024, 07:02:41 PM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Kells76, Once Removed, Turkish
Senior Ambassadors: EyesUp, SinisterComplex
  Help!   Boards   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
Experts share their discoveries [video]
100
Caretaking - What is it all about?
Margalis Fjelstad, PhD
Blame - why we do it?
Brené Brown, PhD
Family dynamics matter.
Alan Fruzzetti, PhD
A perspective on BPD
Ivan Spielberg, PhD
Pages: 1 [2]  All   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: Part 2 Friends playing rescuer  (Read 1887 times)
Enabler
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Living apart
Posts: 2790



« Reply #30 on: September 24, 2019, 10:21:38 AM »

Hey CT,

I appreciate your interjection, I really really do. This isn't a conventional choice I'll give you that, nor do I 'want' to live with someone who lies and cheats and attempts to deceive me... but for a number of reasons, not least the fact that I have 3 kids aged 6,9 & 11 whom I see are materially but not overtly harmed by my wife's behaviours on a daily basis. I am prepared to endure the hardship and I have incredibly strong shoulders which are somewhat lighter for knowing about BPD. I am confident that my W has a titanic internal battle going on inside her, trying to prop up her false reality and assure herself that she is in a metaphorical cage.

Yes, there are aspects of my behaviour which are hypervigilent looking for things in the shadows that maybe aren't there. My friends all say they aren't in contact with my W, I have to trust them on this. I can't assume that everyone lies similarly to my W just because she's incapable of telling the truth. I don't want a divorce and I won't enable that divorce in a proactive way, however, I will do what is required.

FF... last time she requested paperwork I completed the required paperwork file and kept it at work until the due date. I made no effort to be visibly completing the task at home and waited for her to organise the sit down meeting... it never happened, she went out with friends... I never mentioned it.

Enabler  
Logged

Enabler
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Living apart
Posts: 2790



« Reply #31 on: September 24, 2019, 10:23:50 AM »

Has it occurred to you that this request is coming largely in response to her financial request of several weeks ago being turned down? She is having to regroup on financials, because E closed down the ATM.

Potentially yes, it could be a case of smacking me with the financials club after she felt hurt by the lack of free cash.
Logged

formflier
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 19076



WWW
« Reply #32 on: September 24, 2019, 10:40:23 AM »

  I am confused by some of your advice FF to basically obstruct this request.  You are saying that Enabler's values are to stay married.  

Pretty close...let me tweak your understanding a bit.

Axiom 1:  Most of us show up here all twisted up after going through the "BPD mind blender".  

Axiom 2:  The result of the "mind blender" is that most of us realize that we are so far away from "living out" any sort of value that we hold dear...that we wonder who we are.  (we are lost sheep)

Axiom 3:  Our living out our values is not dependent on other people living them out.  (such as..I'll be truthful as long as you are, otherwise..I'll lie my azz off)

Therefore...part of us "nons" getting healthy is to obviously, unapologetically live out our values..state our values, even in the face of bpd rage.  Perhaps better said..especially when faced with BPD rage.

Oh.. yeah.  Axiom 4:  Enabler and his wife each get separate "votes" on their marriage.  Sadly we know that a single "no" vote wins (if carried to it's logical conclusion).

See Axiom 3.  Enabler values his marriage.  He votes yes.  His vote isn't contingent on her vote.  She may experience this as "obstruction"...and that's fine.  Let her rage at not getting her way.


Not sure if it should be a full fledged axiom, but there is wisdom in letting a person bear the full brunt of their decisions.  

Given all this.  Why should Enabler make it one bit easier on his wife to "vote no" on the marriage?


Best,

FF


Logged

Enabler
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Living apart
Posts: 2790



« Reply #33 on: September 24, 2019, 11:35:08 AM »

Proverbs 25:15

With patience a ruler may be persuaded,
    and a soft tongue will break a bone
Logged

ct21218
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Posts: 182


« Reply #34 on: September 24, 2019, 11:36:44 AM »

Hey CT,

I appreciate your interjection, I really really do. This isn't a conventional choice I'll give you that, nor do I 'want' to live with someone who lies and cheats and attempts to deceive me... but for a number of reasons, not least the fact that I have 3 kids aged 6,9 & 11 whom I see are materially but not overtly harmed by my wife's behaviours on a daily basis. I am prepared to endure the hardship and I have incredibly strong shoulders which are somewhat lighter for knowing about BPD. I am confident that my W has a titanic internal battle going on inside her, trying to prop up her false reality and assure herself that she is in a metaphorical cage.

Yes, there are aspects of my behaviour which are hypervigilent looking for things in the shadows that maybe aren't there. My friends all say they aren't in contact with my W, I have to trust them on this. I can't assume that everyone lies similarly to my W just because she's incapable of telling the truth. I don't want a divorce and I won't enable that divorce in a proactive way, however, I will do what is required.

FF... last time she requested paperwork I completed the required paperwork file and kept it at work until the due date. I made no effort to be visibly completing the task at home and waited for her to organise the sit down meeting... it never happened, she went out with friends... I never mentioned it.

Enabler  

Are your kids in therapy at all?  Kids can pick up on a lot, including your hypervigilance, your hostile relationship with your wife, etc?  They may not verbalize it, but I am sure they are affected in some way.  While I think your intentions are noble, I think you are not seeing the whole picture if you don't see that what you are modeling for them is not at all healthy.
Logged
Cat Familiar
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 7501



« Reply #35 on: September 25, 2019, 11:07:01 PM »

Staff only This thread has reached its maximum length and is now locked. The conversation continues here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=339747.msg13078444#msg13078444
Logged

“The Four Agreements  1. Be impeccable with your word.  2. Don’t take anything personally.  3. Don’t make assumptions.  4. Always do your best. ”     ― Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2024?

Pages: 1 [2]  All   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Our 2023 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
12years
alterK
AskingWhy
At Bay
Cat Familiar
CoherentMoose
drained1996
EZEarache
Flora and Fauna
ForeverDad
Gemsforeyes
Goldcrest
Harri
healthfreedom4s
hope2727
khibomsis
Lemon Squeezy
Memorial Donation (4)
Methos
Methuen
Mommydoc
Mutt
P.F.Change
Penumbra66
Red22
Rev
SamwizeGamgee
Skip
Swimmy55
Tartan Pants
Turkish
whirlpoollife



Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2020, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!