Not invited to son's wedding

[Parents! Get help here!]

My 25 yr.old son brought a girl home at midnight one Sat night.He said her heroin addicted father kicked her out.She stayed with us from that night for the next 5 mos.I drove her to school,helped her get a job, taught her to drive,got her SS card and birth certificate,clothes,etc.We loved her and felt sorry for her.They became a couple and moved into their own apt.We helped them move in,rented a truck then were never invited over and heard less and less from our son.Months went by. Finally,he showed up at our house one night after work.He was shaken and said she asked him to kill her.He told us about several threats of suicide  and how she'd lock herself in the bathroom. She also burned his arm with a lighter! He had already lost contact with everyone, co-workers, friends,cousins.We helped evict her out of his apt.and go to her grandma's.Then, months later he told us he was seeing her again and how she'd changed and wanted us to forgive her.We did, a week later her dad was killed.We embraced her all over again .They got engaged this Feb.My son did an absolute Hallmark proposal and we all started the wedding plans because we really thought she'd changed. They stopped coming to family events and the lack of communication  started again.Then, our son called at 8:15am one morning in July and wanted to borrow money to but a 3300sq.ft.starter home That's not a starter home? We had no money to as we paid for their wedding venue.A few days later,our son asked to cancel the venue  because they wanted to get married on the beach.Then he called asking us not to cancel and could we pay for the clergy,rent chairs,arbor and pay the officiate? No, we had no money to help anymore than we had.Then...got a phone call that they were only having the wedding with her family and he wanted more further communication with us.They get married Sat.We are all blocked,no communication,and in shock.I think his fiancee may have NPD the more I learn but what has happened to our son?

[merefor3]

My 25 yr.old son brought a girl home at midnight one Sat night.He said her heroin addicted father kicked her out.She stayed with us from that night for the next 5 mos.I drove her to school,helped her get a job, taught her to drive,got her SS card and birth certificate,clothes,etc.We loved her and felt sorry for her.They became a couple and moved into their own apt.We helped them move in,rented a truck then were never invited over and heard less and less from our son.Months went by. Finally,he showed up at our house one night after work.He was shaken and said she asked him to kill her.He told us about several threats of suicide  and how she'd lock herself in the bathroom. She also burned his arm with a lighter! He had already lost contact with everyone, co-workers, friends,cousins.We helped evict her out of his apt.and go to her grandma's.Then, months later he told us he was seeing her again and how she'd changed and wanted us to forgive her.We did, a week later her dad was killed.We embraced her all over again .They got engaged this Feb.My son did an absolute Hallmark proposal and we all started the wedding plans because we really thought she'd changed. They stopped coming to family events and the lack of communication  started again.Then, our son called at 8:15am one morning in July and wanted to borrow money to but a 3300sq.ft.starter home That's not a starter home? We had no money to as we paid for their wedding venue.A few days later,our son asked to cancel the venue  because they wanted to get married on the beach.Then he called asking us not to cancel and could we pay for the clergy,rent chairs,arbor and pay the officiate? No, we had no money to help anymore than we had.Then...got a phone call that they were only having the wedding with her family and he wanted more further communication with us.They get married Sat.We are all blocked,no communication,and in shock.I think his fiancee may have NPD the more I learn but what has happened to our son?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[FaithHopeLove]

Merefor3
Welcome to the group. I am glad you found us and sorry for what you are foinf through with your son and daughter in law. It sounds like she may well have a mental illness of some kind. Maybe NPD or BPD. For whatever reason your son has chosen to go along for the ride. As long as that is his choice there is not much you can do about it. What you can do is take care of yourself and maybe read up on BPD and learn some of the unique communication skills. That way once this period of no contact ends (and I think it will) you will be in a better position to help. I wish you well.
Hugs
Faith

[merefor3]

Thankyou,Faith! I do not know what NPD is but will look it up.Our son NEVER asked for money growing up and we thought we had a great relationship until he met this troubled girl.She doesn't want to work or get her GED.This is so uncharacteristic of him to ask for money and not communicate ,then to banish us from his life .He has a hung up on us twice when he has called.We feel so brokenhearted  and at a loss.Reading about BPD helped make some sense of this.I think I need to go to counseling, as my ulcers came back.Any response would be appreciated-we feel like we're in the twilight zone and wish we could wake up and have our son back Thankyou-so thankful to have found this board!

[FaithHopeLove]

NPD is Narcissistic Personality Disorder. I thought that was what you were talking about in the last line of your post. Whatever is going on with this young woman it is sadly nothing you can control. You also cannot control your son's choice to be with her and participate in the drama. The only thing you control is you. You must take care of yourself. Coming here was a great idea. Going for counseling is another great idea. The stronger you get the more able you will be to help others when the time comes