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Author Topic: Has Anyone Here Accomplished "Acceptance" of the BPD in Your Life? If so, how?  (Read 228 times)
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Other
Posts: 236

« on: September 09, 2019, 03:46:08 PM »

Hello everyone!

I have posted quite a bit on this board and have gotten some really helpful replies that have helped me through some very tough times.

About 2 weeks ago, I decided all my work in "accepting" the uBPD in my life, which is my son's ex-girlfriend and the mother of my GS3, had finally paid off and I accomplished this.  I guess I was wrong.  My thinking was that she was mentally ill, and although not to my knowledge, diagnosed as such,  just by her behaviors and consulting with my T, reading, etc...., so I had to ask myself, why are you expecting her to do things as a mom the same as you would do, or most mothers would do?  That was really my fault for "expecting" someone who did not process things in their mind the same as normal thinking people would, to keep getting angry over their actions.  Just expect these same types of things to happen and let them float on by instead of getting upset.

So yesterday was spent with my son and my GS3 and she called while he was here.  She is going to Tennessee this coming Friday, Saturday and Sunday, which my son knew about, and he will have GS3 all of these days, which he said was fine.  However, she was trying to get a "back-up" system in place for GD5 (this her her bio-daughter, but not our son's, who from previous threads I explained, my son is no longer caring for her as before).  My son had made it clear to her that he would no longer be able to do this as her bio-dad and him talked and the bio-dad would like there to be less "father figures" in her life and he would like to spend more time with her and did not want her staying with my son overnights, etc... and felt it should be him now doing this since him and the ex-uBPD were no longer together.  My son understood and agreed with this as well as respected it.  He said although he will miss her he knows this is the right thing for her to be with her bio-mom and bio-dad and the bio-dad said they could visit whenever he wanted to see her. 

Well, we all know the BPD people do not adhere to others' boundaries very well so she began talking to my son last night that if the bio-dad could not pick her up, and the bio-grandma could not pick her up, would he please pick her up until the bio-dad could get to his house.  She is trying so hard to get  GS5 back into the house and him watching her as she has lost a big resource in my son in this way.

My son had also found out that she has been taking GS3 to her new boyfriend's mom's house for her to watch while she goes to the gym.  He also stays with her new boyfriend when she has things to do and places to go. 

I was so angry in hearing this.  I thought to myself why???  Why are you so angry when you were accepting just more of the same behavior?  My thoughts were, this is an identical repeat of what happened to us (myself and husband) when they were in the early stages of the relationship - we babysat her bio-daughter many, many times for various reasons.  My son also stayed home with her while she ran around doing whatever.  So.... lather, rinse, repeat, right?  So why so angry?  Then I thought it was because it has been made known to her that her daughter has said to numerous people, on numerous occasions, and it even came up in counseling that she "misses her mom."  She was asked by the bio-dad of their daughter why does she keep saying this?  Aren't you spending time with her, or doing things with her, or what is going on??  She said, her feelings were hurt by this, she needed to calm down and needed to leave, as she did.  Always running away from confrontations. 

So, my thinking is if you didn't realize what you were doing to your daughter before and that you were at the bottom of all of her problem behavior, and now it has been brought to your attention, then why are you not doing what is best for her now, with this knowledge instead of leaving her (and probably our grandson) with other caregivers?  She wants you, as I'm sure does my grandson.  My son and her are doing 50/50 custody right now between themselves, so she has limited time with them anyway.  She has them Mondays and Tuesdays  - well works as all so the time with the kids really boils down to 3-4 hours in the evening.  She is totally free Wednesdays and Thursdays from GS3, don't know about her daughter's whereabouts, then alternate Fridays, she has them on Saturdays, or at least GS3, and the my son has GS3 back on Sundays.  So if you add up this time with the work time being excluded, it is really not that much time. 

So here I am angry again!!!!  I hate to see things like this happen to innocent children who have no voice.  But....I thought I "accepted" her as she was.  Apparently not.  I'm disappointed in myself because I thought I had this under control, so I guess I'm asking for any advice or hints that might have helped any of you out there "accept" the BPDs behaviors (and the effects of) - how did you manage to do it?  What worked for you? 
Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders
Retired Staff
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
What is your relationship status with them: Shaky
Posts: 1615

« Reply #1 on: September 09, 2019, 10:50:52 PM »

Please don't be so hard on yourself, Angie Radical acceptance is really hard. I doubt the process is ever complete. If her behavior only affected you that would be one thing. But watching young children who you love suffer is another thing altogether. My son is the BPD person in my life. He has no children. I have written a little bit about my process of learning to accept him as he is and not how I wish he was. This process seems to come in levels. Just when I think I am "there" something else comes up that challenges my ability to accept what is. For example I had just gotten to the place of being willing to accept that for him right now success means completing probation not graduating college. Then he told me he wants to go back to jail so now I have to also accept that he may or may not successfully complete probation. Now I am working on emotionally detaching from the situation and letting him find his own way. I can imagine this would be much harder if a child or children were involved. So my only advice would be to be gentle with yourself and let the acceptance process happen in stages. You can't force it. Just be open to the possibility that it can happen.
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
What is your relationship status with them: Estranged
Posts: 461

« Reply #2 on: September 10, 2019, 09:36:29 AM »

Hi Angie59,
 I echo Faith .  You ( we) are handling very hard stuff and it morphs constantly as our BPD kid's minds morph. There is always a new fresh hell popping up that we must wrap our minds around.  Acceptance is a constant process, it is never accomplished completely.   In my posts I've mentioned I thought for sure my son would go to rehab in order to have a safe place to live.  Wrong.  Then I found out he is in DEEP into hard drugs in addition to the BPD and mood disorders.... anyway, what has been helping me is going to my therapist, and going to 12 step meetings for CODA ( co dependents anonymous). There are times I am convinced I won't be happy until my DS sees the light and gets help.  I slip completely back into that dark place at times..it is a constant struggle right now for me. I get what you are saying.
It is heartache to see children suffer  .  You are doing your best, please don't be disappointed with you.  We are right here with you in the struggle.

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Other
Posts: 236

« Reply #3 on: September 10, 2019, 09:45:21 AM »

Thank you both so much for your replies!  I do tend to be very hard on myself in general and it is really hard when innocent children get involved.  I will continue to try, but will also show myself some compassion that it will not happen overnight and that it is an ongoing thing to work on, some days I know will be better than others.

Thank you again, because this is the very thing that helps tremendously - to know you do not feel this way or are struggling with something alone and that it works the same way for others as well. 

 Virtual hug (click to insert in post) to both of you!
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Posts: 543

« Reply #4 on: September 10, 2019, 11:34:25 AM »

Swimmy -you help so many of us amidst your current very sad situation. Hugs to you.
The term “fresh he’ll” is exactly spot on.
I prefer the term “Radically accepting” to “radical acceptance” because we truly wake up every morning with a new thing to try to accept. It’s very different from my friend whose DD lost her sight at a young age. It took the parents a year or two to accept it, but then they did and started looking at all the new ways the kid could be successful.

We are dealing with very dangerous and unpredictable moving parts, we can never be in full acceptance-it’s an impossible task.  I love how LNL shared that one doctor suggested we tell ourselves “I can stand this, I can stand this, ...”
when we are in a toxic situation. We really are all superhero’s in my book!
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