UPDATE: Coffee Meets Bagel Year Long Nightmare - Heartbroken

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hello,

Months ago, I wrote about a relationship where I was essentially abused and discarded for an ex-flame by my undiagnosed BPD partner. He reached out to me about two months ago on my birthday in a charming attempt to get me back. He is on antidepressants now, has gone in for a psychiatric evaluation and has two sessions this month for further evaluation.

He has said what he needed to say in an effort to pull me back into his life. In some ways, I have fallen back into old patterns - we functioned as if we were back together, even though I have declared several times that we are not back together. His psychotic ex-girlfriend continues to keep him as a puppet on a string, and he continues to lie to me about their relationship, claiming she is no longer in his life. Recently, I found a binder with a "to-do" list - one of them being a dinner date with his ex-girlfriend, in which he actually took time off work to meet her for an early "catch-up." I found that list, gave it to him in anger, and I packed my things from his apartment, along with my anxious and sweet 14-lb Bichon Frise. He lives in an apartment complex with a high-rise garage, so I asked him if I needed his garage remote to leave the premises. He explained that I could get out of the car to press a green button and leave. I turned away to get into my car to leave, he realized what I was doing, and he backed his car up to block my car from leaving. I honked at him frantically to let me go, and he yells at me to park my car to "talk about things." In anger, he takes a headlight that he was working on installing in his car and smashes it against the wall, and turns a fist towards my car before lowering his fist.

I agreed to go inside to talk about things, even though that was probably the most unwise thing to do. Tempers flare, I start yelling at him for lying to me, and because my voice was raised, he told me to "get the f*ck out of my apartment" and took his phone to dial 911 to frame me for "breaking and entering." I took the phone out of fear because he was being irrational and ran to my car with my dog. I didn't get to my car in time, because he chased after me and dove into my car with me in the driver seat and physically attempted to wrench the phone away. In the process, I felt pain in my finger and realized my middle finger was swollen. I walk back into the apartment complex with his phone to return it and to show him what he did. He opened the door slightly ajar and I walk into his apartment - he accused me of breaking and entering again. I showed him what he did and in pure denial, he claims he never touched me.

I found out the alleged truth about the dinner, about how he lied to me at first that it was a dinner he set up to cut ties with her, but in reality, it was not the case. He refused to take responsibility for the finger incident, and the next day, because this was not the first case in which physical violence was used against me, I threatened to file a police report. In the past, he has physically held me down against my will, kicked me out of his car, held me against a door to curse at me or apply forced physical affection, and has smashed a beer bottle at my feet. When he realized I was serious about the police report, he first begged and pleaded me not to submit a report, and then he turned around and told me that he was going to tell the police that my dog bit him (she's never bitten anyone in her life and until yesterday - he was allegedly so smitten with her and loved her as his own), that I broke and entered into his apartment - despite the fact that there's most likely camera footage of him preventing me from leaving, and that he would file a restraining order against me.

In the same evening, he also told me that he doesn't want me to cut him out of my life, in the same string of threats. I am not sure what to do, I was so upset because my dog is my everything - a creature who has never hurt anyone in her life, and someone he claimed to love and adore. He is now using her as a potential weapon to punish me, so that I wouldn't file the police report. I would like some advice as to what to do. Thank you.

[Discarded718]

Hello,

Months ago, I wrote about a relationship where I was essentially abused and discarded for an ex-flame by my undiagnosed BPD partner. He reached out to me about two months ago on my birthday in a charming attempt to get me back. He is on antidepressants now, has gone in for a psychiatric evaluation and has two sessions this month for further evaluation.

He has said what he needed to say in an effort to pull me back into his life. In some ways, I have fallen back into old patterns - we functioned as if we were back together, even though I have declared several times that we are not back together. His psychotic ex-girlfriend continues to keep him as a puppet on a string, and he continues to lie to me about their relationship, claiming she is no longer in his life. Recently, I found a binder with a "to-do" list - one of them being a dinner date with his ex-girlfriend, in which he actually took time off work to meet her for an early "catch-up." I found that list, gave it to him in anger, and I packed my things from his apartment, along with my anxious and sweet 14-lb Bichon Frise. He lives in an apartment complex with a high-rise garage, so I asked him if I needed his garage remote to leave the premises. He explained that I could get out of the car to press a green button and leave. I turned away to get into my car to leave, he realized what I was doing, and he backed his car up to block my car from leaving. I honked at him frantically to let me go, and he yells at me to park my car to "talk about things." In anger, he takes a headlight that he was working on installing in his car and smashes it against the wall, and turns a fist towards my car before lowering his fist.

I agreed to go inside to talk about things, even though that was probably the most unwise thing to do. Tempers flare, I start yelling at him for lying to me, and because my voice was raised, he told me to "get the f*ck out of my apartment" and took his phone to dial 911 to frame me for "breaking and entering." I took the phone out of fear because he was being irrational and ran to my car with my dog. I didn't get to my car in time, because he chased after me and dove into my car with me in the driver seat and physically attempted to wrench the phone away. In the process, I felt pain in my finger and realized my middle finger was swollen. I walk back into the apartment complex with his phone to return it and to show him what he did. He opened the door slightly ajar and I walk into his apartment - he accused me of breaking and entering again. I showed him what he did and in pure denial, he claims he never touched me.

I found out the alleged truth about the dinner, about how he lied to me at first that it was a dinner he set up to cut ties with her, but in reality, it was not the case. He refused to take responsibility for the finger incident, and the next day, because this was not the first case in which physical violence was used against me, I threatened to file a police report. In the past, he has physically held me down against my will, kicked me out of his car, held me against a door to curse at me or apply forced physical affection, and has smashed a beer bottle at my feet. When he realized I was serious about the police report, he first begged and pleaded me not to submit a report, and then he turned around and told me that he was going to tell the police that my dog bit him (she's never bitten anyone in her life and until yesterday - he was allegedly so smitten with her and loved her as his own), that I broke and entered into his apartment - despite the fact that there's most likely camera footage of him preventing me from leaving, and that he would file a restraining order against me.

In the same evening, he also told me that he doesn't want me to cut him out of my life, in the same string of threats. I am not sure what to do, I was so upset because my dog is my everything - a creature who has never hurt anyone in her life, and someone he claimed to love and adore. He is now using her as a potential weapon to punish me, so that I wouldn't file the police report. I would like some advice as to what to do. Thank you.

[ct21218]

If I were you, I would cease all contact with him.  Block his number, block on social media.  You certainly have every right to file a report, it will likely be a he said/she said situation and it may incite him.  I would cut him off, keep the doors locked, and get the police involved if he attempts to come into your place.  Definitely do not put yourself in a situation alone with him.

[ct21218]

You can also call the police and ask for a no trespass order.  They simply call him and tell him he cannot come to your residence.  He can get arrested if he doesn't comply.

[Cat Familiar]

First of all, you need to decide if he is someone you want in your life. If so, how can you deal with threats, physical violence, infidelity, and lies?

If not, then how do you detach?

[Gemsforeyes]

I am very sorry that you’re feeling heartbroken.  Sometimes the heartbreak and working through the grief is far less painful than the potential permanent physical and emotional pain you’ll endure if you push forward in a dangerous relationship.

You may not have been here when another member, Lalathegreat, was seriously attacked by her SO.  That was horrible.  Until that attack, his physical “violence” had been “limited” to blocking her exits, pinning against walls; he had threatened her.  He jumped her from behind as she was leaving his apartment and she woke up (days later?) in the hospital with limited memory of the attack.

That wasn’t enough... she had to face him in court.  And then that wasn’t enough.  She lived in terror when he was released from jail. And yet SHE held guilt over his destructive actions.

I know I’m being harsh; but I was thrown across the room by my exH.  That was the first and ONLY time he was ever given a chance to lay a hand on me.  You are telling us your BF has forced himself on you sexually, held you down against your will, broken glass at your feet, etc.

My dearest, are you waiting for him to truly draw blood?  Or hurt your beloved dog?  Do NOT put it past him.

Please talk these things through with us here.  I am so afraid for you.

If an adult wants to sneak off and see another woman, you CANNOT control that behavior.  And disordered people act in horrid ways out of guilt.  My exH did.

Please use caution.  Care about yourself.  We ARE here for you and will help you love and value yourself.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[RomanticFool]

Discarded718,

This reminds me of elements of my r/s with my ex partner. At the beginning of the r/s she physically attacked me four times and because I held her down on the bed to calm her, she accused me of physically attacking her. This kind of crazy making does neither one of you any good at all. As has been suggested, cease all contact and stay away from him, for both of your sakes. The he said/she said conflict is witnessed thousands of times a day by police and the most dignified thing you can do for yourself is disengage from the r/s and end the conflict cycle.

[Waddams]

If you don't live with him, just go no contact, block him, and move on. Cease all communications, and go to the doctor to get the injury he caused documented. If he continues to try to contact you, if it turns into harassment, etc., take the doctor report to and file a police report, and file for a restraining order.

This drama ends rather easily when you decide to take ownership of your life and not allow it into your life anymore. The emotions run wild, making it hard to do and stick to sometimes, but it is that simple.