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Author Topic: Guardian Ad Litem  (Read 769 times)
LilMe
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Together 10 years; now living apart since April 2016
Posts: 336



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« on: September 22, 2019, 11:48:26 PM »

You would think I would have all this figured out by now after several modifications.  Long story short; my ex hit my children with a switch leaving welts and bruises on their legs. I took them to child services who sent me to the police then to get a temporary child protection order until things cooled down.  In the end no charges were filed and everything was dropped so my ex is suing me for full custody saying I made it all up.  Police and CPS took pictures and documented everything, so no worry that anyone thinks I made it up.  I'm still not sure why everything was dropped and he wasn't even talked to.

I told the new Guardian Ad Litem that my children were reluctant to talk to anyone after being promised last time that what they said was confidential, yet him telling their father what they said.  The new lawyer assured me and the children that it was just between him and the children, unless it was something illegal or reportable.  I told them to just be honest and don't worry if it might hurt someone's feelings - even mine.  I didn't even ask them anything about it when we left his office-I didn't want them to worry or feel pressured.  They came home from their father's this weekend and were upset because their father had a statement from the Guardian Ad Litem telling him everything they said.  And worse, they said it wasn't really what they said, but his interpretation, and incorrect.  I didn't ask them for details and apologized.  But their trust of the system is now ruined and they don't want to talk to anyone again.

I am trying so hard to keep the children out of the dispute (they are 10, 12, and 4) while their father constantly talks about it with them.  He is now making them write a statement to the lawyer.  They will write whatever he says because they are afraid of him.  I will contact my lawyer in the morning, but it feels like doing the right thing is not helping my children!  Maybe it is just here in my area, but the court system seems so unhelpful and hurtful for children and families.  I spend every penny I have paying lawyers for years now and the stress on the children is awful!

I mostly just needed to vent, but if anyone has any suggestions I would love to hear them!
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worriedStepmom
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner’s ex
Posts: 1157


« Reply #1 on: September 23, 2019, 08:07:38 AM »

Do the kids have a therapist who is also talking to the GAL?

I hope your lawyer can clarify what the GAL is supposed to be sharing with each parent, and then talk to the GAL and tell him what the consequences were for the children.

One of my friends is in a custody battle with her NPDex.  The children have a GAL.  The dad has shared every single piece of paper he's gotten from the GAL with the kids (while trashing their mom), and this behavior, more than a lot of the others, has resulted in the GAL recommending supervised visitation for dad.  You aren't supposed to involve kids in this. 

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ForeverDad
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: separated 2005 then divorced
Posts: 18071


You can't reason with the Voice of Unreason...


« Reply #2 on: September 23, 2019, 08:17:12 AM »

Every point worriedStepmom made is so important.  Experienced therapist for the kids.  Proactive lawyer.  Kids kept out of the adult communications.

One of our members mentioned years ago that he knew when his ex was lying... when she opened her mouth.  Think about that.  What your ex told the kids likely wasn't an uncolored account of what he heard from GAL.  Also, he almost surely tried to make himself look less bad to the GAL and make you look more bad.  Blame Shifting.

Before you conclude that what he told the kids was what the GAL actually discussed with him, you probably ought to report what the kids say they heard from their father and ask whether that's accurate.

Another factor to consider is mentioned in Richard Warshak's Divorce Poison where the kids will tend to protect themselves by avoiding angering the poorly behaving parent even if it means the well behaved parent is disadvantaged.  This is where you can help the children discern reality better and focus on identifying perceptions and validating observations and their appropriate conclusions.

For the kids, particularly your youngest:
(Thread describes when divorce trial was looming, ex had messed up and my ex was desperate to use 5 year old son to make me look worse than her...)

I spoke with my son and realized he didn't know what lying was.  During those early years I felt he was developmentally delayed by all the conflict and discord.  He was in kindergarten, so I looked for a way to VALIDATE what truth and honesty were.  I found an out-of-print Clifford The Big Red Dog book, T-Bone Tells The Truth, and we read it together.  I saw the light bulb go off in his head. Thought

Another must-read book is Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder by William Eddy & Randi Kreger.

I think what you've encountered with CPS and other professionals is that they had to decide to what extent ex's very concerning actions giving punishment was "actionable".
« Last Edit: September 23, 2019, 08:22:51 AM by ForeverDad » Logged

LilMe
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Together 10 years; now living apart since April 2016
Posts: 336



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« Reply #3 on: September 23, 2019, 08:48:16 AM »

No therapy for anyone.  We have an order in place that we must jointly decide on any medical/mental health care.  He refuses to agree to any therapy for the children.  I asked CPS to please help get my son in therapy.  He releases a lot of tension for the first few days he is with me and has had suicidal thoughts since he was 6.  Nothing.  Case closed.

The children's father gave them an actual copy of the letter from the GAL.  The children agree to anything their father says because they are scared of him.  They know he is lying, but just have to play along with it.  I have taught them from a young age to listen to their inner truth no matter what anyone says.  He told them he thinks the GAL doesn't like him and that I told lots of lies.  For now, I am not going to talk about any of it with them.  I want their time with me to be stress free and happy with no worries.

Composing an email to my attorney now.  Wonder how much that will cost me...

Thank you, I will implement what I can from your advice!
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worriedStepmom
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner’s ex
Posts: 1157


« Reply #4 on: September 23, 2019, 09:46:48 AM »

You can talk to the GAL as well - email him and tell him that dad read the kids the letter and insisted the kids write a response, and that the kids are upset.

I hope the GAL also knows that you want your children in therapy and that your son has had suicidal thoughts.  He can recommend remedies to help.  My H has sole decision making for mental health.  My friend with the NPDex has it written into their agreement that the kids will have therapy and that is be with a specific therapist.

If you have documentation of the trouble with transitions, make sure the GAL has that, as well.  My friend often felt as if she were nagging the GAL, but it paid off.  She had documentation of all the issues and it just added up.
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ForeverDad
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: separated 2005 then divorced
Posts: 18071


You can't reason with the Voice of Unreason...


« Reply #5 on: September 23, 2019, 09:57:51 AM »

My lawyer told me, "Courts love therapy."  Your lawyer may have to file for a court decision in an order to get therapy begun.  Especially if the children's agencies are reluctant to step forward.  So you may have to file a petition for that.

Be aware that if your ex is forced by the court to allow therapy, then he will try to sabotage it by denying any good therapists and seek gullible, weak or inexperienced therapists.

News Flash:  Most courts love counseling.  If one parent asks the court to approve it, it's likely to be granted.  The crucial thing is to ensure the problem parent doesn't go shopping for a compliant, gullible counselor.  One way to handle that issue, one the courts approve, is for the reasonably normal parent to be proactive, research and be first to build and submit a short vetted list of reputable, capable, experienced counselors and then (what the court sees as having both parents involved in the decision) have the problem parent select from among those most excellent professionals.

You may also want to verify they accept your health insurance.
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