Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
September 16, 2019, 07:55:11 AM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Harri, Once Removed, Scarlet Phoenix
Senior Ambassadors: Cat Familiar, FaithHopeLove, I Am Redeemed, Mutt, Only Human, Turkish
Ambassadors: Enabler, formflier, GaGrl, Longterm, Ozzie101, Swimmy55, zachira
  Help!   Groups   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
Experts share their discoveries [video]
100
Caretaking - What is it all about?
Margalis Fjelstad, PhD
Blame - why we do it?
Brené Brown, PhD
Family dynamics matter.
Alan Fruzzetti, PhD
A perspective on BPD
Ivan Spielberg, PhD
Pages: [1]   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: Broken hearted  (Read 132 times)
Leelee124

*
Offline Offline

Person in your life: Child
Posts: 11


« on: September 12, 2019, 09:24:44 AM »

It’s been 3 years since my child moved out of my house without any notice. He was 19 at the time. He moved to his father’s house. While is was a difficult thing to deal with, I accepted it and felt maybe it was a solid choice since there was a lot of turmoil in my home.
My child was following the wrong crowd, sad, lonely and depressed. I did everything in my power to keep him occupied to forget then loneliness he was feeling. He had issues meeting kids his age and keeping them as friends.  I took him on day trips, left work early so he wouldn’t be alone. I was there when he sobbed. I helped him get through school and get his diploma. I by no means was a perfect parent but o beliece I was a great, involved, loving parent. Looking back I beliece I may have been too good, too caring. 
My son has cut me out of his life with no valid reason. As soon as I begin to accept that fact, I get a phone call from him, normally he is screaming and crying about something that is going wrong. He looks for me when he needs comfort. Once o provide that, he turns on me again. I have been called horrible names, had false stories told about me, and then eventually blocked.
For the life of me, I cannot figure out where his anger comes from. I have continually sought out mental health professionals for him. He refuses to take prescribed medication. He quits therapy very quickly after starting. He continues to behave the way he does. He’s on the road of self destruction. I am at a loss. I’m feeling lonely, heartbroken and drained of all happiness.
I continue to be a great mother to my other son and struggle with feelings of guilt.  I feel helpless and hopeless.
Logged
Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders
Janytao

Offline Offline

Person in your life: Child
Posts: 6


« Reply #1 on: September 12, 2019, 09:30:16 AM »

I really get how you feel
Logged
FaithHopeLove
Senior Ambassador
*
Online Online

Person in your life: Child
Posts: 1047



« Reply #2 on: September 12, 2019, 09:48:48 AM »

Hello Leelee
Welcome to the group. You are in the right place to get help and support. I am so sorry for what you are going through with your son. It sounds like typical BPD behavior. Please don't take it personally. Sometimes their feelings get to be so overwhelming that they feel like they have to project all the bad stuff onto someone and as parents we bear the brunt of it. There is hope. Things can get better. The first step is self care. Posting here is self care. Are you doing other things to attend to your needs as well? I look forward to hearing more from you.
Hugs
Faith
 

 
 
« Last Edit: September 12, 2019, 01:35:33 PM by FaithHopeLove » Logged

Hugs,
Faith
Leelee124

*
Offline Offline

Person in your life: Child
Posts: 11


« Reply #3 on: September 12, 2019, 09:54:32 AM »

Thank you so much for the support! 
I agree that he takes his emotions out on me. The thing I find so difficult is that it is like an emotional rollercoaster. He blocks me on his phone for weeks and weeks.  As soon as I get adjusted to that he pops up in a totally chaotic way. I’ve had two strokes already due to the stress. He’s basically killing me!
Logged
FaithHopeLove
Senior Ambassador
*
Online Online

Person in your life: Child
Posts: 1047



« Reply #4 on: September 12, 2019, 10:10:59 AM »

Leelee
It is really important to make self care your first priority. What are you doing to keep your feet on the ground and prevent future strokes?
Logged

Hugs,
Faith
Leelee124

*
Offline Offline

Person in your life: Child
Posts: 11


« Reply #5 on: September 12, 2019, 10:23:21 AM »

To be honest, I’m not taking care of myself. I do take medications but I let my emotions take over. I’m a total mess!  I’m trying to find my way. It’s so difficult when your mind is so clouded.
Logged
Swimmy55
Ambassador
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Person in your life: Child
Posts: 225



« Reply #6 on: September 12, 2019, 10:33:41 AM »

Welcome Leelee,
 I echo Faith in that not only should you put yourself first, you are obliged to.  In the literature section here they recommend a book" Walking on Eggshells" .  The first thing you will learn is the best way to help the BPD adult child is to help yourself first.  Your stroke history is very concerning. Stress does indeed harm us.  Once you put yourself first, you will not be at his mercy any more mentally.  Some of us here go to 12 step meetings like CODA ( co dependent's anonymous) , nar- anon( for those of us with BPD kids using drugs) etc.  These are free .  I don't know what your health insurance is like , but some of us ( me included) have our own therapists for support as well.
 I would even like to throw this out there-  maybe you should be the one to block him for a certain amount of time  as a step toward your own mental health..  I know this may come across as a harsh boundary, but sometimes that is what it takes.   You are not alone  here.  
Logged

FaithHopeLove
Senior Ambassador
*
Online Online

Person in your life: Child
Posts: 1047



« Reply #7 on: September 12, 2019, 10:34:29 AM »

What else do you think you could do for yourself? Have you thought about therapy? Many of us, myself included, find that it helps a lot.
Logged

Hugs,
Faith
Leelee124

*
Offline Offline

Person in your life: Child
Posts: 11


« Reply #8 on: September 12, 2019, 10:44:09 AM »

Yes I’m currently researching therapists. I’m hoping to find one who takes my insurance and doesn’t cost a small fortune!  I’m joining the gym this weekend. I’m hoping getting my body into  better shape will help my mind as well.
Do you do one on one therapy or group?
Logged
FaithHopeLove
Senior Ambassador
*
Online Online

Person in your life: Child
Posts: 1047



« Reply #9 on: September 12, 2019, 11:18:51 AM »

I do one on one therapy but I hear groups can also be good. I am.so glad you are looking into it. The gym sounds like a great idea too. Good for you!
Logged

Hugs,
Faith
Huat
****
Offline Offline

Person in your life: Child
Posts: 439


« Reply #10 on: September 12, 2019, 11:34:04 AM »

Hi Leelee124

I consider myself a survivor.  I slogged through so many years of depending on this unstable daughter of mine for my happiness.  I had let myself drop down into a very dark place.  I am thankful that my stress didn't bring on a stroke.  I am so sorry that happened to you.

It is babysteps that have to be taken and you looking for a therapist is an important, positive one.  Participating here is a positive step towards your well-being.  Going to the gym?  Good for you!  There is a whole new you a-comin'!  Being cool (click to insert in post)

It has helped me at times to look at my daughter as that youngster who would throw a tantrum.  I didn't take it personally then and that vision helps me not to take it personally now.  She has a problem.

Hope you keep posting here, Leelee124.  That was another thing that helped me, looking back and reading what I had shared.....imagining those words were written by another distraught parent.  What would be my response as I offered support to him/her?

Whatever with this difficult son of yours, life can be better for you as you gradually learn to handle life with him a little (a lot?) differently.

From one Mom to another......a ((((HUG)))).

Huat
Logged
Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders
Leelee124

*
Offline Offline

Person in your life: Child
Posts: 11


« Reply #11 on: September 12, 2019, 01:30:22 PM »

Hello Haut,
Thank you so much for your comforting response. It is really helping me, hearing from others who have been through similar situations. I already feel less alone!
It’s also comforting to see that a lot of parents have leaned to make peace with their situation and learn how to live a happy life.
I’m not getting any younger and still without a life partner (thanks to the chaos my son has caused over the years). It would. Be nice to enjoy a full, happy life some day.

Thanks so much for reaching out to me.
Logged
Leelee124

*
Offline Offline

Person in your life: Child
Posts: 11


« Reply #12 on: September 12, 2019, 01:35:31 PM »

Hi Faith
So far, no luck with finding a group. It seems like a lot of people hide what’s going on. 
Logged
FaithHopeLove
Senior Ambassador
*
Online Online

Person in your life: Child
Posts: 1047



« Reply #13 on: September 12, 2019, 01:36:40 PM »

Is one on one therapy an option?
Logged

Hugs,
Faith
Leelee124

*
Offline Offline

Person in your life: Child
Posts: 11


« Reply #14 on: September 12, 2019, 02:58:05 PM »

Yea, definitely!  I just thought group would help me feel less alone.  I have lost most of my friends since I went into isolation mode.  They couldn’t understand my life and all the issues so I backed away. I thought it would be a way of making compassionate friends while getting the help I need.
Logged
twocrazycats

*
Offline Offline

Person in your life: Child
Posts: 19


« Reply #15 on: September 13, 2019, 12:11:44 AM »

Hi Leelee 124,
Like you, I have another child who is not BPD. Many times, what has kept me going is the knowledge that if anything happened to me, my non BPD son would be devastated. At times, it made it difficult, though, in that I felt trapped. My BPD daughter made me feel I didn't want to live, and yet I couldn't just die, because then my son would be devastated.

But what has helped the most, along with DD going off to college, is truly trying to focus on myself and going to Al-Anon meetings. Now, substance abuse isn't (to my knowledge) a huge part of my daughter's issues, even though I found out she was, at least for a time, sneaking edibles and alcohol at her boyfriend's house. So I wondered if I "qualified" for Al-Anon. But I had been to Al-Anon many years before after a breakup with an alcoholic, and it helped give me my life back. So I figured that counted, and I went. It was the best thing. The people were incredibly welcoming, and it is such a positive experience being with a roomful of people who are focusing on themselves. I found I was in a pretty good place mentally, better than I'd been in a long time. Then DD came home sick from college for a day and a half and brought her chaos with her.  The first day was fine, I was her protector. By the second day, she was better and I was already the enemy because I wasn't getting her back to school fast enough. I was thrown off track and  I'm still recovering from it. I'm looking forward to the next Al-Anon meeting.

What I've realized is that for me, the way I've been reacting to my daughter's behavior toward me is that on some level, I've been accepting how she sees me as the truth, so the result is the same as with any emotional abuse. She treats me like crap, I start believing I deserve to be treated like crap, then the next step is I treat myself like crap. To undo all this, I'm telling myself that her assessment of me is not based on reality, so not reliable, and that I am worthy of love and respect. I go to Al-Anon to reinforce that. It's only been a short time, but I can see a difference already. I think with her being at college (only a half hour away though) most of the time and with the help of Al-Anon, I can do this. I have to. For myself, first of all. For my son (who is also away, far away, across the ocean, in grad school now, but calls very frequently). And for my daughter.

I hope you can find a group or therapy that can help you put the focus on yourself and your own self care. It really does make a difference. And keep reading and posting here. Just reading the posts here, like yours, helps restore my sanity, since I see that I'm not alone with this.
Logged
FaithHopeLove
Senior Ambassador
*
Online Online

Person in your life: Child
Posts: 1047



« Reply #16 on: September 13, 2019, 12:21:02 AM »

Leelee
You just made a bunch of friends right here. Have you noticed? Sure it is cyberspace and we post anonymously but I promise we are all actual people and we accept you. If it can happen here it can happen anywhere. You got this coming out of isolation thing.
Hugs
Faith
Logged

Hugs,
Faith
PeaceMom
****
Offline Offline

Person in your life: Child
Posts: 285


« Reply #17 on: September 13, 2019, 06:47:34 AM »

Lee lee,
Welcome, I’m a friend too! A friend from Texas.

I really resonated with Twocrazycat’s explanation above about us hearing the verbal abuse and believing it on some level. this would be how the victim feels in an abusive marriage, for example. We just are not prepared for this in a mother/child relationship where we are predisposed to taking on unjustified guilt.  We would never have let our 4 yr old affect us when they screamed “I want Candy mommy, give it to me, you are a mean, bad mommy, I want it now”. This will be helpful to me when my DD19 uBPD starts raging, accusing me, cursing me. I will think this is just like a child, here.

I was also going to suggest yoga. My classes have people from age 10 to 80 of all different fitness levels. It forces mindfulness which is a critical skill for carers of pw BPD.

 Also, we have attended an amazing support group called FA (Families Anonomous) with lovely, wise, caring people.

Keep posting, we are out here listening.
Logged
Leelee124

*
Offline Offline

Person in your life: Child
Posts: 11


« Reply #18 on: September 13, 2019, 08:17:11 AM »

It was so nice waking up to read all of your great messages. Since communicating on here I definitely feel a tad calmer! 
I also agree with you twocraxycat’s comment about believing what our BPD’s say about us. It is mental abuse. I find myself dwelling on every little mistake I made, every time I lost my cool (after constant chaos). I definitely know I wasn’t a perfect mom but I do know that I was a great mother to my kids.
I like the idea of al anon.  As far as I know, my son doesn’t do frogs but at this point who knows?  My contact is so limited at this point.  I do know that he is slowly ruining his driving record. He has an upcoming court date for two serious tickets. I am in constant worry that he will wind up in jail. The worry is taking over my mind.
Yoga sounds like a good idea as well. I’m sure I can find an old lady class. I’m 52 and feel like I’m 90 lately!
Logged
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2019?

Pages: [1]   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Our 2020 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
AskingWhy
Bittlecat
Harri
Only Human
PeacefulMom
Radcliff
Skip
Teno
Ventak
wendydarling
Wicker Man
worn_out





Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2019, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!