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Author Topic: Good things come to those who wait...and wait...and wait?  (Read 348 times)
Huat
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« on: September 12, 2019, 01:27:57 PM »

This ubpd daughter of ours in now 52.  Her children, our only 2 grandchildren, are now 27 and 29.  (I don't want to tell again what ripe old age I have reached. Frustrated/Unfortunate (click to insert in post) )  We are in yet another period of no contact with our daughter (this time now about 2 years) but one of the granddaughters is starting to reach out.

We were surrogate parents to these 2 loves-of-our-lives as their mother bounced between relationships, fought through custody battles, pressured for support from each of their fathers.  We loved those little kids and we know they loved us.  Well, that was until they were influenced by their mother's "you-are-with-me-or-against-me" attitude.  Never, ever have there been cross words between these grandchildren and us yet when they got into their teens and our daughter would cut us out of her life, they would do the same.  I can't tell you how many buckets of tears we have shed.

By no means have we been the only kin cut out of their lives.  We share that distinction with each of their fathers and their fathers' families.  Sad for us but oh so much more sad for them as they have grown with pretty well no family other than their mother. 

Last year, out of the blue, we heard from one of the grandchildren, asking if she could join us at our summer cottage....not once....but twice she and her significant other came.  It seems they had friends holidaying close by....so....coming to see us or a was this just a place to stay?  We didn't see her again until the same happened this year.....one visit with us....same friends close by. 

I will add here that my husband and I made a vow to each other that at no time would we ever ask questions of anyone, kin or otherwise, who had mutual connections with our daughter.   That does not stop us from referring to her in a positive manner during conversations.

Well, to cut to the quick.  This "renegade" granddaughter has invited us to her new home for dinner this weekend.  It is an almost 2-hour drive one way but we are going.   My anticipation is guarded.  It will be one-day-at-a-time in this newly resurrected relationship.

So good things come to those who wait....and wait....and wait?  Sometimes.  During that waiting, though, I started to work on making changes in how I handle life.....a constant work in progress.  Those tears that would come so freely before are now pretty well dried up.  Acceptance of what-is-IS has helped me.  No pipe-dreams of being that family we are not and probably never will be.

I continue on in this forum hoping to give other parents/grandparents the support they so need to carry on.....get over the hurdles to a more even ground.  I appreciate the fact that each of our stories are different.  Whatever!  I can't stress enough the need to look after yourself first.  That is not a selfish attitude.  It is a matter of survival for you and that difficult loved one in your life.  If you deplete yourself, there is nothing to give to others.

Here is to brighter days for all of us.

Huat



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Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders
FaithHopeLove
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« Reply #1 on: September 12, 2019, 01:34:18 PM »

Wow wow wow. I understand your caution and need to be guarded about this and yet it is a big deal. These small steps mean a lot. I am happy for you.
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wendydarling
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« Reply #2 on: September 12, 2019, 05:52:53 PM »

Dear Huat  Virtual hug (click to insert in post)  Way to go! (click to insert in post) this is wonderful news. You have certainly waited patiently and come forth your independent adult GD reaching out to you and H. How lovely GD has invited you to her new home, inviting you both into her life. A 2 hour drive each way, are you both ok with that, if I was nearer I'd offer to chauffer.  Being cool (click to insert in post)

Excerpt
I continue on in this forum hoping to give other parents/grandparents the support they so need to carry on.....get over the hurdles to a more even ground.  I appreciate the fact that each of our stories are different.  Whatever!  I can't stress enough the need to look after yourself first.  That is not a selfish attitude.  It is a matter of survival for you and that difficult loved one in your life.  If you deplete yourself, there is nothing to give to others.
Bless you Huat, you've been there in my darkest days, you've held me close and many here. I will be forever be grateful to you. And yes our stories are different, but you know what when we all connect, I cherish the moment. Moments like this.

One foot out of the trench Huat, to brighter days.

WDX With affection (click to insert in post)
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PeaceMom
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« Reply #3 on: September 12, 2019, 10:09:15 PM »

Huat,
This is lovely. Please share after your visit. I’m very pleased for you!
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mggt
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« Reply #4 on: September 13, 2019, 08:27:47 PM »

Dear Haut. I’m jumping up and   Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post) now with so much happiness for you. Two hours. No problem. You have waited much longer. Enjoy every moment. I’m sure you are thing don’t say this don’t ask any questions. Relish in every moment. Hugs
 Way to go! (click to insert in post) Way to go! (click to insert in post)
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mggt
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« Reply #5 on: September 13, 2019, 08:28:44 PM »

Sorry haut so excited couldn’t type properly. Haha
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nonbordermom11

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« Reply #6 on: September 14, 2019, 09:52:59 AM »

Haut...so happy for you, a chance to develop the relationship with your GD, just enjoy the moment with unconditional love, let them see you with their own eyes and heart. Let us know how it goes...
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Huat
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« Reply #7 on: September 16, 2019, 03:57:03 PM »

An update from Huat

We had a lovely visit with our granddaughter and her significant other.  There was no falling into each other's arms but didn't expect that.  All was cordial, friendly with no questions from us.....no guilt trips planted on her.

She talked freely of her mother (our daughter) and we responded in kind, even sharing happy memories we have had of our daughter during better times.

This would not have been the scenario a year or so back with me so broken with grief.   Things really started to change for me when I began to look reality in the eye.....stopped feeling sorry for myself.  What a relief it is now when I am able to just shake my head at all this dysfunction then get on with the other aspects of my life.

So where we go from this visit with granddaughter #2.....who knows?  Her sister, our only other grandchild, has not answered my calls nor emails......so will have to let that relationship work out in its own way.  As I previously shared, each of these girls have different fathers.  They do not communicate with either of their fathers and those families....nor do they have contact with each other.  Sad, sad, sad.....but really....not my problem.   (Phewwwww!)

Thank you so much to those who offered their well wishes and support.  Nice feeling!  I sure don't plan on leaving this forum any time soon, though.  I know that I am a work-in-progress.   I still have my moments.  I am, and always will be, a Mom/Gramma.

Huat Being cool (click to insert in post)

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Swimmy55
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« Reply #8 on: September 16, 2019, 09:05:01 PM »

Wonderful progress with your grand daughter and a great attitude you have  on handling all this.
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wendydarling
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« Reply #9 on: September 18, 2019, 07:10:37 AM »

Hi Huat

I'm very pleased to hear you had a lovely visit with your GD and her SO on Saturday. It sounds like it came at the right time for both you and your GD. What next with GD? What do you want Huat, what are you thinking?

I'm right with you, another work in progress here!  Being cool (click to insert in post)

WDx
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Huat
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« Reply #10 on: September 18, 2019, 12:08:02 PM »

Hi WendyDarling

I read your post and put some thought into your question...."What do you want?"  Well, I know I shouldn't "want" anything.  That will set me up for more disappointments.

Six years ago we paid for this granddaughter's driving lessons then, as she had turned 21, we handed over a pocket of money, a trust fund, we had been adding to since she was first born.   After that, there was never any personal contact with her (no Christmas contact, no birthdays remembered) until last summer when she asked to join us at our out-of-town-cabin.  She and her significant other stayed twice that summer and once this summer.....spending some time with us but more time with friends who were camping nearby.  Hmmm?  (Well, truth be told, we did appreciate their absences.)  At home, our daughter, lives about 1/2 mile from us and we know our granddaughter is a frequent visitor there but hasn't been at our home in about 6 years.

So, we work on not being cynical and just take one-day-at-a-time.  This is certainly not the family life we envisioned but we have found it is so much easier facing reality and getting on with life than holding onto that pipe dream.

This current "episode" of no contact with our daughter is now going into the 3rd year.  Before that we had had a "honeymoon" period of about 1 year after the previous 4-year estrangement.   As her only contact with us has just been those caustic emails, I hadn't heard our daughter's actual voice in a long time until I phoned, concerned after hearing of her husband's recent accident.  I got one-word answers to my questions and when I took the opportunity to tell her I loved her, she hung up.   I really did shrug that off. Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)  That wouldn't have happened a few short years back....before logging onto this forum and starting to make some much-needed changes.

What worries me most is our age and the warning from counsellors a few years back telling us that her verbal abuse could well turn to physical abuse as we age and become less and less able to look after ourselves.   Sadly, but in reality, we have to think of safe-guards.

I will add here that we have had good times with our daughter.  She can be loving, caring, appreciative of what we do to help her.  As we have basked in those times, thinking all is healed forever.....the shoe would all of a sudden drop.  I'm remembering one incident when my husband and I were about to embark on a holiday and had a family dinner at her place.....hugging and smiling when we left.....the next morning answering the phone to hear her say....."I hope you are proud of yourself!"......then hung up.....then the emails started.  Other than telling me what a bad person I am, there are never specifics.

So, one-day-at-a-time with this granddaughter.  Does she have a motive other than wanting to include us in her life?  She has mentioned having recent contact with her father and some cousins.  At the ripe old age of 27 has she come to the conclusion that she can have a relationship with her mother as well as people her mother doesn't like?  Well "hate" is probably a better word to use because there doesn't seem to be gray areas in her emotions.  History has shown that it has been black or white relationships....sometimes reversing in a nano-second.

Yes, all of our stories here are different.  I am well aware that I am one of the more senior participants in this forum.  My story pales to so many others I read here.   My aim is not to scare you younger parents into thinking this is your future.  Please take note that I came late into this "game."  Once I started to practice self-care....stopped playing the part of victim in response to my daughter's bullying.....took off those rose-coloured glasses....life got better....for sure a work-in-progress!

So, so glad to be part of this community, knowing that I have a voice, that I am being heard and validated......something I wish for all.

Huat
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Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders
PeaceMom
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« Reply #11 on: September 18, 2019, 12:39:10 PM »

Huat,
I’m always here on the edge of my seat, listening! You are truly an example of someone “walking the walk, not just talking the talk”. You share your new found ability to truly embrace the good memories of the past and accept the facts as they are today, leaving open a window of hope for the future, but enjoying life just as it is now. This is wonderful to read because it shows me this is possible. Please keep sharing.
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Lollypop
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« Reply #12 on: September 19, 2019, 01:16:44 AM »

Hi there Huat

I’m late to your party and what a party it’s been!

Well done friend. True wise mind thinking!  As ever, there’s so much to learn from each other. You’ve helped me so much over the years, given me some backbone and dragged me from my pity party. I now use this phrase!

Excerpt
At the ripe old age of 27 has she come to the conclusion that she can have a relationship with her mother as well as people her mother doesn't like?  

It sounds like she’s exploring this idea. Like all things, time will tell how that works out. It made me sad to read that the sisters don’t speak. One step at a time.

Your thread warmed my heart Huat.

Hugs

LP
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