I got 50/50 custody, coparenting/play therapist update

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hello,
I finally got 50/50 custody! It has been such a hard long road for the past couple of years considering my son is only 3.  Exbpd was all about the money from the child support and the court mediator saw this.  Exbpd only wanted to give me one more day which would have put me at 40 percent custody but my L convinced the court master on 50/50.  Co-parenting counselor report was slightly favored on my side, exbpd attempted to make it seem that I was a bad parent, co-parenting counselor report stated that he saw no major issues in parenting styles.
So here are some of my questions:
How does exbpd feel that I am now equal to her custody wise and legal wise, child support will drastically go down as well.  Right now she seems to be playing it off as nothing happened but we all know how borderlines regulate emotions.

[Newyoungfather]

Hello,
I finally got 50/50 custody! It has been such a hard long road for the past couple of years considering my son is only 3.  Exbpd was all about the money from the child support and the court mediator saw this.  Exbpd only wanted to give me one more day which would have put me at 40 percent custody but my L convinced the court master on 50/50.  Co-parenting counselor report was slightly favored on my side, exbpd attempted to make it seem that I was a bad parent, co-parenting counselor report stated that he saw no major issues in parenting styles.
So here are some of my questions:
How does exbpd feel that I am now equal to her custody wise and legal wise, child support will drastically go down as well.  Right now she seems to be playing it off as nothing happened but we all know how borderlines regulate emotions.

[worriedStepmom]

Congratulations!

You've done such a good job of fighting for your son.

It's impossible to really predict how she is going to react long-term.  We can always hop she'll calm down and accept it, but you know to be prepared that this won't happen.

[Panda39]

Congratulations!  This is great news for you and your son.

What does your new schedule with your son look like?

Panda39

[david]

Congrats ! When I got 50/50 it seemed to take the wind out of exs sail. I guess she viewed it as she lost. It was the start of minimal communication from her so I viewed it as a positive.

[Turkish]

Great news.

The order is now "the enemy" though it isn't good to think that way.  It enables you to refer to it when needed,  preferably dispassionately and BIFF when needed.

Not all people are the same, but after our order was signed,  my ex would later ask me, " what does the order say?" Like for holidays and vacations. I got the impression that she only read it once and then didn't want to think about it.  It helped remove me as a target.  Hopefully, you can transition into a mostly cooperative relationship as co-parents.

[GaGrl]

Now is the time to be super-careful. Depending on her BPD pattern, she might react anywhere from withdrawal (waifish) to attack (witch).

Follow the court order to the letter. Record all conversations, in person or phone. Track all texts.

[livednlearned]

How does exbpd feel that I am now equal to her custody wise

Custody is only half the battle. The other half is for the heart and mind of your child.

It's probably a good idea to read Eddy's Don't Alienate the Kids if you haven't already.

[Newyoungfather]

@Panda39, we have one week on, one week off. I have him for the long days, for instance I pick him up in the morning and then drop him off at night.  I don't use daycare or other 3rd parties to watch my son.  Over the past couple of years I went from working a normal work schedule to working for myself and I have become successful in what I do so I spend 100% of my time with my son, which I think helps the child alienation.

There is plenty of child alienation going on as well, however the play therapist said my son is too young to understand...I disagree with the play therapist statements.   My L and I are actually searching and interviewing/consulting specialist in child alienation and who have a history of testifying in court.  This by far is my number one priority, I read too many books on how parental alienation is a form of child abuse, and no one will ever abuse my child or else papa bear comes out of hibernation.

Right now, exbpd basically dropped off the planet, which doesn't bother me at all, I haven't received any nasty emails or text messages and she is very "neutral/sad" at custody pickups.  I am waiting for her to deregulate.

[ForeverDad]

My congratulations too!  Your perseverance to attain your initial goal certainly paid off.  Odds are there will be times you have to return to court for further improvements but this is like a home run in a baseball game, there will be more "at bats" to come.

we have one week on, one week off. I have him for the long days, for instance I pick him up in the morning and then drop him off at night.

My son was in kindergarten when the divorce was final and I walked out with joint custody and equal time.  The others are right, I was able to divert a lot of the blame and pressure to The Order.  However, she still had her entitlement and obstructive behaviors.  It was astounding the way she used the typical vague clauses in the order to sabotage me.  Beware that if she resumes her prior stance that such innocuous phrases as "mutually agreeable" exchange locations and "reasonable" telephone contact can be used as loopholes to reinterpret the order.

I'm not sure what you meant by long days.  Is it that both at the beginning and end of your time you have the daytime hours?

Does the order mention who is the Primary Parent for school related and other issues?  School is only a couple years away.  If not, this gives you time to document any incidents or patterns why you would be better as Primary than her.

A word about schedules.  For my divorce terms I would have preferred weekly exchanges since I experienced immense conflict at exchanges.  But my custody evaluator said children under 10 did better with shorter periods with the problem parent, asking "Do you want your child away from you for such a long time?"  So we used the twice a week schedule (2-2-5-5 over two weeks) and, as it turned out, we never changed to weekly schedules for times when we had equal time.  (I have had both custody and majority time during the school year since he was 11 years old.)

That's what my professionals did, my ex was much more focused on possession and entitlement than the $$$.  If your ex has that much less obstruction going forward, then week on, week off is a solution.

[Newyoungfather]

@ForeverDad, the long days is when I pick him up in the morning and drop him off at night.  Schooling is a completely different animal as we agreed to a complication what if's in the custody agreement.  My L said this non traditional schooling agreement will benefit me greatly. (Exbpd is very codependent on her parents for childcare and transportation of the child, grandparents won't travel to take child to school).
And yes, in the past I would tell her that I want to stick to the court order as a boundary and it would set her off completely, exbpd thinks she is above the law.  Recently she wants to move custody exchanges to each other's houses but I don't want to do that.  It would be better if one parent would pick the child up at daycare/school and the other drop off.

[david]

My ex tried to not follow the court order and I simply stated the order and followed through. I only communicate through email and that also made things much easier. Having it in writing kept her from trying to change what she said.
I did put a section in our custody agreement that things could be changed by both parents explicitly agreeing in a pair of emails. I always put in my agreement email that this is to be considered a one time change for this particular circumstance. I can't leave wiggle room for my ex or she will immediately use it just for the sake of using it.

[MeandThee29]

Right now, exbpd basically dropped off the planet, which doesn't bother me at all, I haven't received any nasty emails or text messages and she is very "neutral/sad" at custody pickups.  I am waiting for her to deregulate.

Sometimes they will switch part of their anger at the law, the judge, their lawyer, etc. instead of you because you aren't as good a target anymore. Of course that can change...

[Newyoungfather]

@MeandThee29, its funny that you mentioned this as exbpd didn't bother to wait for her attorney as she left mediation.  I don't know what happened to her but usually she would like phone calls with my son and its been a few days now with no phone calls, no nasty emails, nothing.