“Separated” and coparenting

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Whew. 10 years in and I’m finally reading “Stop Walking one eggshells”. Only at chapter 5, but it’s all eerily familiar (recently was trying to pin it on bipolar... would be so much simpler if meds could just make it stop...).

“Separated” means we sleep in different places, but he shows up whenever he wants, trashes my kitchen, challenges the kids’ rules (recently it’s telling them that their bedtime doesn’t matter and is something stupid I made up). It’s a bit better since I moved across town and in with my Grandpa...had a few weeks with no yelling, but when it finally happened it was really bad like a lot of pressure had built up.

I just want to be able to have boundaries and for my kids to see and absorb healthy relationships. My son said recently, “he’s just yelling a little, Jeese”. How do I protect my kids? My youngest needs so much more emotional learning, and the oldest is sad and confused. Bad examples all the way around... I haven’t done the best job of taking care of myself so I can react calmly. Should have read the book a long time ago, and I NEED a counselor.

I’m always so scared that getting a counselor will just result in a DHS call; even though I’m trying to do the right thing.

My kids deserve so much more though.

[WillHelpTheKids]

Whew. 10 years in and I’m finally reading “Stop Walking one eggshells”. Only at chapter 5, but it’s all eerily familiar (recently was trying to pin it on bipolar... would be so much simpler if meds could just make it stop...).

“Separated” means we sleep in different places, but he shows up whenever he wants, trashes my kitchen, challenges the kids’ rules (recently it’s telling them that their bedtime doesn’t matter and is something stupid I made up). It’s a bit better since I moved across town and in with my Grandpa...had a few weeks with no yelling, but when it finally happened it was really bad like a lot of pressure had built up.

I just want to be able to have boundaries and for my kids to see and absorb healthy relationships. My son said recently, “he’s just yelling a little, Jeese”. How do I protect my kids? My youngest needs so much more emotional learning, and the oldest is sad and confused. Bad examples all the way around... I haven’t done the best job of taking care of myself so I can react calmly. Should have read the book a long time ago, and I NEED a counselor.

I’m always so scared that getting a counselor will just result in a DHS call; even though I’m trying to do the right thing.

My kids deserve so much more though.

[ForeverDad]

The reality is that you can't live your life on ex's terms.  As long as you allow ex that power over your life then ex will feel empowered and enabled to control and dictate.  Have you read Henry Cloud's Boundaries?

I had to get educated on what boundaries really were.  Boundaries are for you, not the ex.  You already know you can't tell ex what to do or not do.  You can't force ex to do or not do something, your power is in your response.  However, what can and does work (though there are limits) is something like this... .
"If you do or don't do ___ then I will do or not do ___."

Examples:
If you start blocking me from our kids... .
... .then I will enforce the parenting schedule, in court if that's what it takes.
If you want extra time for ___... .
... .then I may allow it but with a trade for equivalent time for ___.

When done right "if... .then... ." is powerful.  It took me years to figure how to make boundaries such as these.

Oh, and since this would be a change to your behavior pattern, expect ex to flame out with extinction bursts in attempts to make you retreat back into prior compliant, appeasing actions.  Ex may never fully accept that you will run your own life, but in time ex ought to realize you're not acquiescing to ex's demands as before and not push your boundaries as relentlessly.

[Turkish]

How old are your kids?  Seperated but not divorced, do you have a custody plan in process? How is the schedule currently?