ExBPD attempting to make me Jealous and 1Upping

[Newyoungfather]

Hello Everything,
If you read my previous post, I recently got 50/50 custody of my son.  I reflected on the events in the last couple of months and I have noticed that exbpd has constantly attempted to make me jealous.  For instance:
Exbpd has constantly talked about her future husband as the knight in shinning armor.  In coparenting counselor she would always bring up her fiance and how good he is with our son, almost to the point of rubbing it in my face, I stayed gray rock.
Exbpd is getting married soon and is buying a house, she is constantly saying how her new house has a "play room" just like mine and all of our sons toys are "new".  I buy my son's toys and some of his clothes at consignment sales, yard sales, etc.
I take my son on multiple weekend vacations a year, exbpd now states how she is planning all these "vacations" on weekends.
My son and I where recently in a wedding and now she and my son are in a wedding.

Can anyone help me out understanding these actions of my exbpd, am I reading too much into this or is she insecure and trying to make her false reality.

[worriedStepmom]

I see this a lot in my H's ex.  She considers parenting to be a competition.  Whenever we have planned something fun (a family vacation, taking the kids to a concert, etc), uBPDex will either try to one-up or will have a meltdown. 

Basically, she sees our actions as reflection on her; if we do something that she hasn't done it must mean that she is a bad parent.  Or, if SD12 is having fun with us, then to her it means that SD12 doesn't love her anymore.

We don't compete.  When the kids share stories from their other houses, we are positive and supportive and excited for them.  We keep doing our thing and let their other parents do their thing.

Unfortunately, uBPDex's "competition" has become more blatant over the last year, and it makes SD12 VERY uncomfortable.  uBPDex has even told SD12 multiple times that I'm a better mother than uBPDex is.   There's no way SD can win in that situation.   

[Newyoungfather]

It seems like the exbpd think that parenting is a game and there is a winner.  I have told ex many times in co-parenting counseling that our son can love us equally and that we each have good traits that he will love.  I really don't feel like doing this for the rest of my life, dealing with this disordered ex.

[GaGrl]

My ex is not BPD (I'm here because my DH's ex is uBPD/NPD). I can say that, even in an amicable divorce, it was about 18 months before things settled into a pattern of Dad's house/Mom's house. There were things my ex was great with  that just wasn't going to happen at my house -- mostly camping, fishing, etc.

Just focus on your good times, and let your ex cope as best she can. Eventually, your son will be able to figure out what is sincere and what is "show."

[worriedStepmom]

It seems like the exbpd think that parenting is a game and there is a winner. 

There's not a winner.  Only a loser.  And they are terrified that they will be the loser.

I do not think SD12's mom understands that SD12 can love her and love me at the same time.  I am sad for her, because I know that she genuinely fears my SD12's relationships with us. 

[Turkish]

The core feelings of a pwBPD are shame. Easy to invalidate, the driving emotional view is like, "my feelings don't matter; therefore, I don't matter and are unworthy of love."

These seemingly narcissistic tendencies are a cover, a thin veneer for a deeply wounded Self. Innocuous and normal things become a threat to the wounded Self, the cover a False Self, and the reactions are a survival mechanism to continue the facade.

She and her husband/marriage are who they will be.  Be the best You for your son.  Mirroring him in a healthy manner will help him differentiate and develop his Real Self.

[livednlearned]

I have noticed that exbpd has constantly attempted to make me jealous.

You have noticed that she is constantly feeling insecure, with low self-worth.

she would always bring up her fiance and how good he is with our son, almost to the point of rubbing it in my face, I stayed gray rock.

She cannot tolerate feeling in a one-down position so she looks for ways to escape that feeling.

Can anyone help me out understanding these actions of my exbpd, am I reading too much into this or is she insecure and trying to make her false reality.

That she has brought your attention to these things suggests she is successful at engaging your emotions.

If you zoom out a bit, she is doing things that aren't problematic for your son. That's a one-up for you 

[Newyoungfather]

Thanks LivedNLearned: you made a valid point, as long as her actions are not hurting my son I am fine with it.  I always stay grey rock with her nonsense and perhaps that's why she is upping her attempts to make me jealous.

[worriedStepmom]

I don't think she's trying to make you jealous.   I think she is trying to prove (to herself) that she's as good a parent as you are.  She makes sure to tell you about it because she needs you to know that she's as good a parent as you are. 

Her version of being a good parent may not look the same as your version. 

[40days_in_desert]

I want to echo what worriedStepmom stated about being positive and supportive with the kids when they share experiences from the other parent's home. This was tough for me in the beginning. I didn't want to hear it and my body language showed that. I worked on that aspect and as a result my kids can share in a way that they feel comfortable and secure. There aren't many positive experiences but they do share when they have those experiences with their mom.

My ex hasn't taken them on any vacations or many places at all. Her weapon of choice is to attempt to guilt me by saying that I withhold from her by spending "all of this money" on things with the kids. Money that she feels sould be going to her so she could do them. 

I don't try to compete with her and it appears that she doesn't try to compete either as far as doing things with them. She will bring up things like she was the one who took care of them for years as a SAHM, etc. This is true to a point until she checked out about 8 years ago. Even then it was "we" who both played a role in taking care of our kids back then. 

[Newyoungfather]

Just something else I am learning to recognized.  Everytime exBPD looses a court battle her bf/future husband shows up with her to the custody pickup.  I am starting to realize that perhaps she is just a miserable person.  When the BF shows up exbpd talks him up to our son and my son comes running over.  There has been cases in which she attempted to replace me with her new bf, (she tried to get my son to call her bf dad).

[MeandThee29]

These are hard things.

Last Christmas, I was working three jobs and ended up buying my kids just a few gifts each because of the uncertainties (still a major factor). They got generous checks from their father and my relatives.

At first that was very hurtful to me, but over time I decided that it was all good. They were able to get some things they needed and wanted, and they told me over and over how much they loved our simple celebration. So I was happy for them and left it there.

At times I've beat myself up for not being able to afford the vacations and eating out like we used to do. But it really doesn't matter in the long run. It's about the relationships.

[40days_in_desert]

There was an incident at our youngest daughter's school a few years ago and my ex called saying that I needed to meet her up there right away. It was pretty serious but that's not the point of my post. During the discovery phase of our divorce, I received all of my ex's FB Messenger conversations. The same day of this incident I saw where she messaged her bf in the morning about the incident before informing me. After my ex and I met with the principal of the school she messaged her bf telling him that he should have been there and that he shouldn't let me take his "opportunity" from him like that. Basically she would have had him there if he was willing to go. That and other incidents showed that she was trying to replace me.
After a few years I realized that she could only replace me if I let her. I've stayed involved in our children's lives and have a great relationship with each one. It will be super tough at times but stay the course like you have been and her efforts will be futile over time. If this new guy in her life is even a half decent man, he won't try to replace you and her efforts will fail even sooner.

[Angie59]

I have been following this thread started by NewYoungFather and have found many similarities between my son's ex-uBPD and what you all have described here.

I really do believe that the "competition" that comes about regarding buying both of them new bikes as soon as she had her new apartment, lots of new toys, new beds and bedding, etc...  My son was pretty well left with the "junk" she didn't want.  Where she got the money to do all of this, I don't know, but she did.  I guess she was trying hard to make her place be where the kids wanted to be because of all the new stuff. 

She herself has said many times in the past when she was with my son that she was a terrible mom.  She is a good mom in the sense of "buying" things for them.  She always makes sure they have their favorite foods around, is always prepared with clothing for the upcoming season, and lots and lots of new toys on an ongoing basis.

It is great that she keeps up with all of these things, always made sure birthday parties had the proper decorations, etc., but this seems to be all she can to provide as a parent.  She can only give "things."  She is not able to give of herself, spend quality time with her children, and make a real connection with them. 

So I believe after awhile of getting used to all the "new stuff," in the end, the kids do figure out who is really loving them, who they feel safe with, and who they will gravitate toward.  I have finally come to the point, after so much aggravation, frustration, ashamed to say hatred, that now I feel sorry for her. 

[MeandThee29]

She can only give "things."  She is not able to give of herself, spend quality time with her children, and make a real connection with them.  

Things are easy to give. Making a connection is much harder and requires a good sense of self and consistency. It gets harder in the teen years because they are more perceptive and have their own tangled feelings.

A friend of mine had a disordered mother. There was a custody agreement, but it was hit-or-miss. He talked of sitting on the couch for hours with his brother, waiting for her to come pick them up and then finally giving up and going to bed. She might shower him with gifts on his birthday, or she might forget. She would expect him to act like nothing in the past ever happened. She would blame him or his father for breakdowns in the relationship, and he knew that wasn't quite right.

When he turned eighteen, he joined the military and had a period where he struggled with alcohol and other poor choices. Thankfully a friend helped him turn it around with a twelve-step group and other support.

But his advice to me stuck. Don't apologize for the other parent. Just be yourself and focus on your kids.

[Angie59]

Very good advice!  I'm hoping my son does that in later years with his son and does not make excuses for his ex-BPD. 

To you, Newyoungfather, as a mother who is watching her son go through what you are going through, my heart goes out to you.   So many things have happened or been said by his ex-uBPD that don't make sense and I finally had to take a deep breath and say, okay, it's just not going to make sense and stop trying to make it make sense.  My T told me "the only thing that makes sense about a pwBPD is that they don't make sense."  May sound kind of harsh but you will drive yourself crazy trying to. 

I wish you luck Newyoungfather.  Just as MeandThee29 advised, just be yourself and focus on your kids.  My grandson is only 3, but I do truly believe that in time, he will see who he feels safe with and loves him, and will be there for him consistently.  This is in no way being said to put down the pwBPD's ability to love.  I think they do the very best they can, for instance with their children, but I also believe it is love in a different way than most people experience it. 

Good luck and stay strong!

[Newyoungfather]

Thanks everyone, I do feel some relief that I have 50/50 custody and that when I do have my son he is completely with me.  I do know that exbpd future husband is along for the child alienation, they both encourage my son to call him dad so I don't think he has integrity of someone who I want my son to be around with.

[Angie59]

Hello Newyoungfather!   

I know you are fairly new to the boards and I want to make this as concise as possible - but you sound like you have so much in common with my own son who has a son of his own who is 3 years old.

His ex-uBPD is actually repeating what she did when she started dating our son 5-1/2 years ago.  She had a daughter by another man who was only 4 months old at the time she started seeing my son.  She would ask me off and on to watch her daughter for various things (some with my son, some errands she had to do, etc..) and these times grew more and more often.  As her daughter started talking she had her calling my son "dad."  Now the daughter has a bio-dad in her life and has always had him since the day she was born but he only got custody of her every other weekend and one weekday.  Regardless, she continued to call my son "dad" and I have no what idea what she called her real dad.  Her mother never corrected this. 

We see many things being repeated as time goes on that occurred to us and is now occurring to her fiance - yes, I did say fiance - as she separated from my son mid-April and got engaged to her new man on August 28th.  Quick?  Yep, that seems to be the way things work - everything has to be done in a New York minute!

You are not alone my friend.  I am so glad for you that you have 50/50 custody.  I don't know yet what is going to happen custody-wise for my son as they have not filed anything yet, which I think is a mistake - but you can't get my son to do anything unless he's ready if his life depended on it, so we stay quiet now and just hope for the best.

You hit the nail on the head when you said that when your son is with you, he is really with you.  I believe what I have been told many times on this great board, as it is one of many wise, compassionate and sincere people, that in time children will know who is there for them and who they truly feel safe with.  Just keep being his dad and loving him with all your heart and he will one day get past any alienation that is going on.  Believe me, we started to worry about the same thing, as grandparents, that this would happen, but worrying doesn't do anything but make us feel sick inside, so we had to stop.  As hard as it is, have faith, give all your love, and I truly believe you and your son will remain close.   

[Newyoungfather]

Thanks Angie59, I'm hoping that exbpd will quiet her child alienation attempts as time goes but as we all know with a disordered person the future is unpredictable.