She's going to move into the spare bedroom and wants to see other people

[Unsure101]

Mod note: This is a continuation of a previous thread: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=339349.0

Well she messaged me today saying she's going to move into the spare bedroom when she gets the chance. And told me , is she ok to see people / bring them back etc if I meet them first.

I'm not sure how I feel , on one side I feel like she needs to do this, and we'd be doing this anyway if she wasn't here , but why move back at all of we're just strictly housemates.

Really don't understand what's going on , do you think we can switch back to bf/gf has this happened to anyone else ?

It seems a bit odd setup tbh. I mean she said we'd still sleep together now and then , I'm just very unsure.

Esp. if I'm bringing girls back etc , who's your housemate, oh , that's your ex ?, But you're living together etc ?

I'll be honest, this is the first time I'm sought help over this during our relationship. So any opinions will be welcome , as I don't really feel like I can speak to my friends about this.

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[Unsure101]

I feel like whatever answer I give her will be wrong too , like I wanna say , yeah that's fine, but will we still be able to do stuff now and then, go on dates etc, but she could interpret that as being clingy , and if she needs time out, I don't even know if that's the best move anyway. , I think she could just be playing me against this other guy , who in her eyes is probably perfect , but he's really not, I mean she complained about our age difference , approx five years , he's about her dad's age.

I also feel like my feelings are getting hurt, again, because I thought we were getting closer , but now she's pulled this on me.

I don't want to constantly be playing games, if she moves out again , has an argument with whoever and comes back, I don't feel like I can be in that kind of relationship. But feel like I'm setting myself up for that role. And I still have feelings for her.

[Stillhopeful4]

I don't want to constantly be playing games, if she moves out again , has an argument with whoever and comes back, I don't feel like I can be in that kind of relationship. But feel like I'm setting myself up for that role. And I still have feelings for her.

It sounds like you know what you want from this by this statement.  Have you set any boundaries with her?

SH4

[Unsure101]

I just don't want to become the Inbetween guy if that makes sense , where she stays till she finds someone , moves out , relationship fails , moves back.

Because it'll end up hurting me .

[once removed]

this is a transition that would mean going from former lovers, to house mates who occasionally sleep together, and see other people (within the same home), all with the hope of getting back together.

this is a plan with a pretty low success rate. it doesnt even sound like it would be your idea of a good time, or a pleasant situation.

even if seeing other people were off the table, jumping back into a relationship, and straight into living together would be a highly impulsive move.

But feel like I'm setting myself up for that role. And I still have feelings for her.

a key to a healthy relationship is the ability to assert your needs, to separate your needs from someone elses, and to be able to say no.

she may not like it. but if this relationship were to work, you need a sustainable path. just getting back together in some form may be comforting on some level, but it may also be far from a sustainable path.

[Unsure101]

So she's just messaged me , rather abruptly, asking why am I flirting with other girls , Erm , am I living in a parallel universe ?,

So she ended it with me , even though I pretty much spent ages asking her to reconsider , she goes on dates with guys, yet still gets hung up over what I'm doing ?

I don't understand what she wants,. She's like two different people some days. Like she wants me or she doesn't.


How would I tackle this on ?

I feel like point blank asking her what is it you want from me, do you want space, do you want to walk away , do you want us to date again or what ? You know, I wouldn't put it past her at all, her messaging this girl and saying why are you flirting with my bf even though we're not even together.

[once removed]

I feel like point blank asking her what is it you want from me

she may not know.

i know this doesnt feel fair, seems hypocritical and confusing. try to set that aside for right now.

when she accused you of flirting with other girls, what did she say? how did you respond?

[Unsure101]

Haven't responded yet, just ignored it , she just said why is "x girl" such a name now, but last time we split up for a few months , I was pretty much seeing someone else , and she went out of her way to destroy it, by constantly texting the girl , till she backed off and told me she can't see me anymore.

Pretty sure I just saw her in a bar with another guy just now too, didn't go in and cause a scene but pretty PLEASE READty of her if she's seeing people. I may be wrong though, but I seem to live in the smallest town on earth so everything seems to get fed back regardless. So PLEASE READty.
 
But even so, unless she's reading my private messages , I don't even know how she knows I called that girl that.

It's all so mixed up.

[ct21218]

Do either of you own the place you are staying?  Is there a reason you have to live together?  I had some acquaintances do this recently and see other people and it ended in a domestic violence arrest on one of them.  This can be a very volatile situation.  In my friends' situation, the bf owned the house and the gf refused to leave for like 3 months.  It deteriorated in a big way.

[once removed]

ignoring doesnt help anything.

do you think she is reading your private messages?

[Unsure101]

I own the house , bought it years ago before I she was even on the radar.

As for the messages, it's a definite yes, she must have flipped the tablet on , and seen the notification pop up. Of course the standard PLEASE READty Twitter message was posted about it, and up pops the guy who wants to get in her pants , almost replied with a slow clap.

Now I'm not a violent guy by any means, but I catch him in my house and he's getting a clip round the head xD

[Unsure101]

I had to hold myself back from replying , stop attention seeking , you screwed this, and as for you , you lame ass , go screw someone your own age, instead of some girl young enough to be your daughter.

[ct21218]

If you want her out of the house and yourself out of this drama, you may need to file eviction papers.   You could find yourself in a very dangerous situation.

[once removed]

i dont want to preach to you about my views on violence Unsure, but i would suggest caution.

the two of you arent together, and you dont want to end up with an assault charge or have things escalate.

what is the status of this? has she moved into your house? if not, are you still planning to have her move in?

[ct21218]

If she has not moved in, you own the house and you want her away from you, you can simply call the police and ask for a no trespass order.  They call and notify her and you can have her arrested if she comes over.  It's up to you if want to be done with this situation.

[ct21218]

The other thing to note is that you should be truly done if you take this step.  If there is an order in place on your home and you allow her in, the order ceases.  It does not involve filing paperwork or going to court.

[Unsure101]

I felt like kicking off when he came with her to pick up her things the first time, but my housemate at the time, was like be the bigger guy, the guys a prick and she'll realise that, and she did, apparently he kicked off at her when they were out somewhere when he was drunk , so she begged to come back, so I let her return to the house. Now he's back on the scene causing issues.

But regardless of that, I'm pretty pissed she read my messages, I wouldn't pick up her phone and read whatever is on the screen. It's not the first time this has happened either.

Think I'm just gonna blank her till she apologizes, or gets annoyed. After all, it's all just to get s reaction probably.

[once removed]

Think I'm just gonna blank her till she apologizes, or gets annoyed. After all, it's all just to get s reaction probably.

get serious, Unsure. work with us. this is just a power play, and it will only escalate a bad situation.

[Unsure101]

What do you mean by power play here ? 

[Unsure101]

Well after I ignored her earlier she basically asked why am I flirting with others, and I basically went to town on the reply , got it all out.

Then she replied saying why do you think I moved back, I was trying to make things work.

So yeah , once again , confused is an understatement.

I think her head and feelings are pretty messed up tbh, I don't think she likes the thought of me being with anyone else.


I basically said if you want this to work, I'm willing to try , but you can't give me the silent treatment, you must communicate clearly what you want , and you've gotta put some effort into us.

[once removed]

What do you mean by power play here ?  

youre giving her the silent treatment (ignoring her) in order to extract an apology, while expecting her not to give you the silent treatment?

you have to model the kind of healthy relationship you want. you have to be the emotionally mature leader if you want her to follow your lead.

right now, you are winging this, and acting on emotion, and so is she. are you prepared to learn the skills and tools this will take, and lead the relationship on a healthier trajectory?

[Unsure101]

Well we had a talk about things , wasn't heated or anything , both agreed it's ok to see other people as well as going on dates ourselves together, and communicating more , but the main thing is to take it slow and see what happens.

Agreed to give each other time, she's still planning on moving in to the other room , but we'd both tell each other if we had people round , we're still going to sleep with each other , as and when if it feels right.

She told me a pretty big secret the other day, a close family member of hers died, but she never felt she could speak to me or anyone about it, and never got a chance to go to the funeral, so that's been eating her up too.

But she again admitted after I said well I'll see people too, that it'll hurt her if I actually found anyone. So yeah.

I don't actually think she wants to give up, but atm , we're classed as not together , but sort of in a strange area.

I did tell her that guy is never to come near here again, and she was understanding of that.

[Unsure101]

Feel like I should update this thread.

Basically , nothing has changed, were both in a state of limbo , were not together, not really truly apart.

Were still living together, and sharing a bed etc, friend basically said, so it's a friend with benefits situation.

Talk of moving into the other room seems to have stopped for the moment , she was asking the other day if we can start doing big shops together again and even talked about getting another family pet ?


But yeah, she did break down the other day, said she's confused and conflicted within herself, she basically said she loves me, but can't love me , but keeps coming back to me, and she feels safe with me ?

But we didn't really talk in depth about our relationship, she vented and I listened to what she was saying.

I mean it's hard , because I feel like if I moved on it'd kill her, but maybe I should , I mean she's speaking to other guys, joined tinder etc , even said she found the perfect guy, but when I questioned her more about it, she said it didn't feel right though , and she hates tinder.


Anyway, I'm trying my best to involve her more, get her out doing things together etc , but realistically, am I wasting my time?

But , I'm kinda conflicted too, like if she hates me, and doesn't want to get back together , why move back in , why share a bed and cuddle me and stuff at night, and why plan on getting another pet, if she's gonna leave it if she leaves ?

Oh, she asked me if I'd be up for a holiday next year too, but maybe that was just words ?

[Enabler]

Hey Unsure,

What reading have you done about the foundations of BPD. There seems to be a lot of behaviours here which kinda make sense in the right context (of BPD) which I think if you understood, you might be able to have less sense of confusion in your life.

One of the core phrases that people use when describing BPD is "I hate you, don't leave me", which if I'm correct sums up your last paragraph. In essence, and this is the skinny, intimate relationships make her feel like she is losing herself (makes her feel controlled), so she seeks distance, however distance makes her feel abandoned. Put in practical terms, when she's with you she feels controlled and seeks space and freedom, when she gets freedom and space she concerns herself that you are going to leave her for someone else. Her utopia is for you to be there for her whilst she does what she wants, yoyo'ing back and forth in ever quicker cycles until she reaches a numb state (possibly now) where you're together, but you're not together... a relationship which provides her with emotional, economic and physical security whilst also providing her with opportunity to feel liberated and free to be out of the relationship.

One of the other things I noted from one of your earlier posts was:

Well after I ignored her earlier she basically asked why am I flirting with others, and I basically went to town on the reply , got it all out.

Then she replied saying why do you think I moved back, I was trying to make things work.

So yeah , once again , confused is an understatement.

This screams of the Karpman triangle
https://bpdfamily.com/content/karpman-drama-triangle
another good piece on the Karpman Triangle
https://www.lynneforrest.com/articles/2008/06/the-faces-of-victim/

Can you see how your GF started as the perpetrator (in your mind) with silent treatment then switched to victim... similarly you allowed yourself to be switched from victim to perpetrator as you reacted to her silent treatment. Once you understand the dynamic you will see in amazing technicolor the switch before your eyes and think "how the heck did she manage to do that"... poof!

Tool yourself up with knowledge and understanding, it will serve you well and allow you to make far far far wiser choices.

Enabler

[Unsure101]

Ok, slight update to this.

Absolutely nothing seems to have changed, but if anything it's worse.

Things seem to be at a standstill, we're still not together, we're still living together, occasionally doing things together, we did get a new pet, and we sleep with each other every few weeks normally.



Today she dropped a bombshell, ok not really anything I haven't heard before, she basically messaged me saying she can't do this anymore, well, she loves me , and I'm her best friend, but she's hurting and not happy ?

She said she's been messaging someone else , and he's interested but she's not sure if she is because she still has feelings for me ? I refrained from getting mad, because we're not technically together so screw it, I just replied saying well if that's how it is, I guess I should just start seeing other girls then, and messaging them too and see what happens , I know two wrongs don't make a right, but I just feel she's doing what she's pleases, she's dipping her toes in various pools , till she finds the right one, then she'll be shot, so I made it clear if that's the game she's playing I'll play it too.
She said I was speaking in riddles when I said don't be surprised if you get the wrong answer from me, what I mean is , don't be surprised if I just end this shambolic parade, and say I'm done and ask her to leave.
She then said that me saying that I'll message others hurts her ?

I just feel like I've been loyal all these years, and she's just got a free pass doing as she wants, she can message whoever, go on dates, and I'll just be there.

This isn't the relationship I want, if she can't get a grasp of reality and stick to it, and seriously be with me, I'm done , I want a family in the next few years !

She also said to bear with her as she's feeling pretty low today and she's having a bad day mentally?

But she also suggested that I'm making her stay with me, Erm, she has ample opportunity to go, I'm not making her stay or go, she has the set of keys , like I'd be annoyed if she went , but it's happened so many times I'm just numb now, the only thing stopping her, realistically is herself, and I guess that's the only thing that's stopped me getting with another girl.

This is messing with my head tbh , like what does she want ?

If she wants to leave - fine, but she has no house to go to , maybe that's stopping her ? She'd also 100% lose her job , as she couldn't get there.

If she has a guy interested and she's messaging him ? Why isn't she with him, and why even tell me, does she want me to get mad , she has told me in the past she wants someone to be angry at her ? Is she trying to make me jealous ?

Should I ask her if she wants me to bring a girl back , I mean as weird as it sounds she has told me in the past she'd like to hear me PLEASE READ another girl ?

I just dunno. She seems on a constant downward spiral. Kinda feel like I'm wasting me time here.

[Unsure101]

Well we spent some time together this evening, nothing major just chilling around.

Anyway, she told me today had been pretty bad, she'd been in touch with her counsellor raising a few issues.

She asked me how I was , I told her I'm fine, she could tell I wasn't though , and she said if we carry on talking about it she's gonna cry. So I changed the subject , and tried to have a good time.

But multiple times throughout the time we were together , she just stared lovingly into my eyes, she didn't say anything, just looked deeply and said what ? ,

She also made a few sexual jokes, And indicated we should sleep together and that she wants a baby still.

She also talked about what Christmas tree she's gonna get for us.

Like I'm at a loss , like what about everything she said this morning ?

She seems very fifty fifty like one minute she'd come straight in be all how's your day , be glad to see me, ten minutes later goes cold ?

Unless maybe she thinks it's easier just to play happy families till she's guaranteed certainly that the other guy will have her ?

I mean looking on the forum, the prognosis isn't great , seem to be setting myself up for a lifetime of break ups and makeups ?, Unless she gets help ?

Does behaviours settle down at any point if she doesn't seek help ?

[once removed]

I know two wrongs don't make a right, but I just feel she's doing what she's pleases, she's dipping her toes in various pools , till she finds the right one, then she'll be shot, so I made it clear if that's the game she's playing I'll play it too.

They think you deserve it. You think your partner deserves it. How could this possibly be resolved unless one (and eventually both) of you steps back mindfully and see that, as Gandhi said, "an eye for an eye leaves the whole world blind"?

https://bpdfamily.com/content/ending-conflict

what your girl was doing was feeling insecure and unsure about the status of the relationship and using a more dysfunctional means to try to get a sense of where you stand. i think both of you now have less of an idea of where the two of you stand.

I mean looking on the forum, the prognosis isn't great , seem to be setting myself up for a lifetime of break ups and makeups ?, Unless she gets help ? Unless something changes

nothing changes without changes.

whats going to change? are you prepared to take a different approach?