Borderline father

[MiaP]

Hello everyone  ,

my ex-partner is uBPD and has narcissistic traits. We have a 5-year-old daughter and his 17-year-old daughter from his previous marriage also lives with me.

We have no custody agreement but I had to file a police complaint because at a given point he started showing up at my workplace and calling me there, since I wouldn’t take his calls on my mobile phone or the landline at home. I had to change my number and completely cut off all forms of contact with him except email, which I have to because of the girls. Because of the police complaint, we will probably be ordered by the court to have a custody arrangement regarding D5 but this process will probably take a long time.

At the moment D17 doesn’t want to see him and he refuses to see D5. However, in his emails, he writes things like “I’m not allowed to see my daughter anymore” and “you’re completely irresponsible because I don’t have your phone number so now, I have no way to talk to my daughter”. He would call the landline every single day to talk to his daughter for a minute and then ask her to give me the phone so that he could talk to me.

It’s hard for me to understand what is going on and I’m struggling with what to say to D5 when she asks to see her dad.

For me the challenge is how to accept that I’ll always have to deal with this person in my life, who (in the best-case scenario) shows up from time to time to create chaos and confusion, to blame and accuse me of all the problems, however is nothing but an abandoning parent.

I have come to understand that his behaviour might change at any moment and that is also hard for me to deal with because I try to adapt myself to one situation and then all changes.

Also, regarding more practical issues, it’s a nightmare reading his emails. I try my best to use the BIFF approach but how is one supposed to gain distance and not be upset when someone is offensive, raises problems and takes no responsibility? I have heard about supervised emails, has anyone had experience with this?

From a legal point of view, what kind of information do I have to send him? I keep sending him information from school and medical issues but if he doesn't even want to be with his daugther what's the sense in that?

[ForeverDad]

D17 will age out of court involvement within a year or perhaps when she graduates high school, whichever is later.  If he has a court order for her then that ought to include the terms of his parenting.  Is her mother in her life and reasonably normal?

As for your youngest, it would be good to get a court order confirming your status as Primary Parent and an enforceable parenting schedule with all the vague "reasonable" and "mutually agreed" clauses modified to reduce surprise loophole sabotage.

Do you need to proactively tell him of every appointment and detail?  I suspect you've been scrupulously informing him of every little thing, beyond what you must do?  It's typical of us Nice Guys and Nice Gals, it's our personality trait.  However, this truism can also apply, at least to some extent:  The person behaving poorly seldom gets proper consequences and the person behaving well seldom gets proper credit.

I think once you have an order to back you up then you can limit the items you feel you need to share with him to just urgent parenting and exchange matters.  You could tell him to check with school, doctors, dentist, etc if he wants more of the standard details.  Odds are he won't do that regularly.

He is what he is.  It is what it is.  Do your best to Accept it and Let Go.

[zachira]

I am sad to hear what you are going through with the father of your daughter. From what you have described, it seems that you are the primary focus not either of his daughters. With time, he will likely find a new person to focus on and be obsessed with, as he can probably only have one person be the center of his obsessions at a time. I believe your biggest challenge may be to do what you can to get him out of you life and his daughters lives so he can move on to someone or something else. You may luck out eventually, in that he may only be paying child support, and really not make any effort to see either of his daughters. Do you need the child support? Sometimes, it can work out to forget the child support if you don't need it, and legally make arrangements to have the father no longer involved with his children. All this takes time and enormous patience. I admire that you are doing the best to support your daughter and step daughter, being the adult parent which these girls badly need.

[MeandThee29]

At some level, you have to let go of being able to manage this. It's chaotic and frustrating.

Once you get the orders, it will be better but still hard. Make sure that your lawyer knows what is going on and that you need some kind of monitored/recorded communication method.

[worriedStepmom]

The comments you are getting - that you're stopping him from seeing his daughter, etc - those are pretty normal.  It can help to have a defined schedule, so that the pwBPD knows exactly when they are supposed to see the child and doesn't have to deal with that uncertainty.  However, that doesn't mean they'll actually pick the kid up when they are supposed to.

My H blocked his ex from his phone, my phone, and SD12's phone.  We set up a time every week that SD12 can talk to her mom on the phone.  ex used to ask SD to pass the phone to her dad. He just hangs up.  If she calls back, no one answers.  Her talking time is up.

H uses a parenting app called TalkingParents.  It's free, it doesn't allow anyone to edit messages, it shows when messages have been read, and it will package up all the threads into a PDF that can be used as evidence in court. In reality, I write most of the messages, but they all appear as being from H.

H's ex (and mine) are registered at school as the kids' parents, so they get the same email notifications that H and I do.  For dr appointments, the app has a calendar function, so I put them in after the fact ("SD12 saw Dr XX for a routine checkup.")  If the kid needs medication, I put that in a separate post with instructions.  I also post about extracurriculars ("SD joined X sports league. Games are on Saturdays at Z time at J location")  Other than that, we don't post much.  She does...and she always has to have the last word.

If D5 is struggling, you might consider getting her into therapy already.  My non-disordered ex and I divorced when my oldest was 5.  She had so much anger, and therapy was very helpful for her.

[livednlearned]

A parent who wants to see his (or her) kid will make it happen. Either through the courts or some other way. If he isn't doing that, the courts will wonder why he's blaming you for blocking access.

How did he communicate to you that he doesn't want to see D5?

He would call the landline every single day to talk to his daughter for a minute and then ask her to give me the phone so that he could talk to me.

How long did this go on for and how did you let him know you weren't going to facilitate the daily calls anymore?

It’s hard for me to understand what is going on and I’m struggling with what to say to D5 when she asks to see her dad.

Does she feel safe with her dad?

With my (then) S9, I left and told him that my job was to keep him safe and to do that I had to put some distance between myself and his dad. I told him I was working with other grown ups to come up with a plan that everyone could agree on and it might take some time. S9 was a little older and had conflicted feelings about his dad. He wanted a normal dad. It took him a while to realize he didn't have one, and began taking measures to keep himself safe, too.

For me the challenge is how to accept that I’ll always have to deal with this person in my life, who (in the best-case scenario) shows up from time to time to create chaos and confusion, to blame and accuse me of all the problems, however is nothing but an abandoning parent.

What is his relationship like with SD17's mother? That might be an indicator of how he will be with you, long term.

I have come to understand that his behaviour might change at any moment and that is also hard for me to deal with because I try to adapt myself to one situation and then all changes.

Can you say more about that? Do you mean that he goes through tender cycles?

it’s a nightmare reading his emails. I try my best to use the BIFF approach but how is one supposed to gain distance and not be upset when someone is offensive, raises problems and takes no responsibility? I have heard about supervised emails, has anyone had experience with this?

Do you have someone you can forward the emails to? I did this during the early days of my divorce when my nerves were on tilt. A friend would tell me whether the email required a response. I also learned to always address ex by name, "n/BPDx, please contact the school directly for information about S9's grades." Then signed my name.

From a legal point of view, what kind of information do I have to send him? I keep sending him information from school and medical issues but if he doesn't even want to be with his daugther what's the sense in that?

Maybe send him a blanket statement, "Please contact the school directly if you have questions about D5."

My L told me to keep documentation of my efforts to create contact (to show I was not obstructing) as well as H's refusal to make contact (usually when I set parameters, which triggered control issues).

[MiaP]

My SD17 will be 18 in 9 months so we're just waiting, not much more to be done as anything involving the courts would take years. He does have a court order for her, he has sole custody and her mother is not involved in her life.

I suspect you've been scrupulously informing him of every little thing, beyond what you must do?

I suppose so, I feel a bit at a loss, because at a given point, he was being cooperative and actually seemed interested in the girls.  He used to go through “tender” periods, whenever for some reason he believed there was a change of us getting back together. 

At some level, you have to let go of being able to manage this. It's chaotic and frustrating.

So true but so hard for me to do. I have a "bit" of a problem with control and finding ways to fix everthing...

How did he communicate to you that he doesn't want to see D5?

For a long time I would take both girls to spend a few hours with him but I would also stay. When I started refusing to stay he just refused that I take them there at all. But he even writes in his emails that I’m the one who’s not allowing him to be his daughters. I have asked him many times and made several attempts. At this point, the oldest just doesn’t even want to talk to him.

He never really says I don’t want to see D5, he just doesn’t reply or says something like “you know that I am busy on saturdays” and keeps finding problems in every solution that I find.

Definitively getting a court order will be helpful and also monitored communication. Will have to check what is used here in our country, since we are usually behind on this sort of things.

How long did this go on for and how did you let him know you weren't going to facilitate the daily calls anymore?

There were several periods, but no talking ever worked so I ended up unplugging the phone.

Does she feel safe with her dad?

Yes, she does. She doesn’t realise there is a problem with dad, only now she’s starting to wonder and ask why is it that she hasn’t seen him in such a long time. She has ever only stayed with him for a few hours, the whole day at the most, never spent the night.
 
Through the whole situation I tried as much as I could that they were in touch, taking her to see him every week, making every effort for him to be involved in her life. Maybe I was just facilitating a and promoting a bond between them because I always hoped that he would be able to maintain a r/s with his daughters which now I strongly doubt will ever happen.

What is his relationship like with SD17's mother? That might be an indicator of how he will be with you, long term.

They divorced and eventually, after some time, we met and he had me to focus on.

Do you have someone you can forward the emails to? I did this during the early days of my divorce when my nerves were on tilt. A friend would tell me whether the email required a response. I also learned to always address ex by name, "n/BPDx, please contact the school directly for information about S9's grades." Then signed my name.

Not really, I try to read and not reply right away because that always ends up in a strain of angry emails. I also always start with “Good morning  n/BPDx” because if I don’t, that’s ground enough for him to write a couple of angry paragraphs about how I’m not polite and about everything else that I do wrong. Is that why you address him by name?

[Panda39]

Not really, I try to read and not reply right away because that always ends up in a strain of angry emails. I also always start with “Good morning  n/BPDx” because if I don’t, that’s ground enough for him to write a couple of angry paragraphs about how I’m not polite and about everything else that I do wrong. Is that why you address him by name?

It's great that you are taking time to read and respond, it really does help us not give those knee-jerk responses.

I would just ignore his angry rants (I know easier said than done).  I would only focus and respond to legitimate things about the kids and those things only.  If you get one of those beat up and bash MiaP emails just don't respond.  If you get one that is part that and part about the kids only respond to the kid part.  You don't need to JADE (Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain) all of your actions. You're being mom to the kids and the kids are being cared for.  You are doing the real work of parenting and you are doing a good job.  Besides JADE just gives fuel to arguments. 

A link to more on JADE... https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=139972.0

When communicating with your ex try BIFF (Brief, Informative, Friendly, Firm)
A link to more on BIFF... https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=134124.0

I would also keep documentation that refers to him avoiding time with your daughter, just in case you end up returning to court.  For that matter I would throw all his emails in a folder to keep as documentation you never know what might come in handy.

Hang in there,
Panda39