Just an update because it's been a while

[WitzEndWife]

Hi everyone. I hope that you all are well. I thought I'd provide an update since I haven't been here in a little while.

As you remember, my place of employment mismanaged funds and cut everyone's pay significantly for an indefinite period of time. I've been desperately searching for something else, but in my area it's been a challenge. I've been interviewing but nothing has come to fruition yet. However, this has really led to me setting firm boundaries and putting my foot down on expenses. uBPDh keeps telling me we "need" things and I say, "Well, we don't have the money to do that, so you'll have to find another way to afford it." To his credit, he has been Ubering a LOT recently and he has even been applying to jobs. He has taken an interest in an automotive trade program, which is really his passion, so if he can secure a way to finance it, we'll see how we can make it work for him. If he did so, he'd be making twice or more what he's making now.

Home life has been fairly stable overall, with a lot fewer regular fights or name calling. Still, I wouldn't say I'm "happy," I'm just tolerating my situation. I am not "in love" with him and I don't know if I ever could be again, especially since his core values seem to be growing further apart from mine. All I can say is that it's not BAD, but it's not GOOD either.

Meanwhile, I'm continuing to work on myself through therapy. We're addressing my self esteem issues and codependency, and the traumas I have ignored that have shaped those things. I don't know if I'll ever feel ready to break things off with him, but I also don't want to keep drifting into the future and wasting time being less than happy. I don't know, maybe with more therapy I'll get there, but it still feels like a limbo state.

Thanks for reading!

[Cat Familiar]

It sounds like you're in a holding pattern in several areas in your life.

Good that you've implemented boundaries about expenditures and that he's getting more motivated to be self-supporting.

What seems to be the roadblock as far as self esteem issues?

[WitzEndWife]

I am still unpacking the self esteem issues. They run deep. I have been thinking a lot about it. My parents were very loving people who told me I was special in many ways. I was adored by my teachers and counselors, etc. However, there were several marked incidents in my life where I was just being myself and that was treated as somehow "bad" by other people. For example, in middle school, a group of mean girls shunned me from the entire school. I had no one and would just sit alone in agony. I was told by the head of the mean girls that they would never accept me. I think that certainly colors all of my interactions with people. I'm always relying on others to accept me before I accept them, and if they accept me, then I must not be that bad. I have no sense of internal validation, and when I try, it all seems hollow and fake. I have no center. So, that's something I need to work on. I need to find something good about myself that is fundamental and strong.

[Witz_End]

To his credit, he has been Ubering a LOT recently and he has even been applying to jobs. He has taken an interest in an automotive trade program, which is really his passion, so if he can secure a way to finance it, we'll see how we can make it work for him. If he did so, he'd be making twice or more what he's making now.

I'm not sure what work he's doing now and how feasible it is, but just as an idea...

A few years back, I was in and out of an AutoZone enough that they joked I should work there.  Just out of curiosity, I asked about the pay and the wage was...meh, typical for a clerk of course, BUT they said a perk is that the store has a program that pays for mechanic training and certification.

It might not be a fast track tech school program... not sure... but, if you have an AutoZone around or another chain auto parts store, it may be an option for him...?  He'd have to put up with putting in the work time as a clerk and hold that job down, but free training is free training.

I liked the idea of the program, but working on cars is not a passion of mine.  It's something I have learned more out of necessity.  

[AskingWhy]

WEW, thank you for the update.  We move forward and, in doing so, empower ourselves.  

I know the feeling of a uBPD H.  I, too, am no longer in love with my H.  I am also tolerating the R/S.  More than 20 years of rages and H putting his children ahead of me in the marriage, including now that they are all around the age of 30, has taken an irreparable toll.  I tolerate my H, and I really could not care less about his children.  (They emotionally abuse and black mail him into giving them things and money.)

It is good to hear you have your eyes wide open and, at least, you H appear to be working toward some improvement--for the moment, at least.

Your childhood experiences must have set you up for a marriage to a BPD male.  Childhood bullying is harrowing, and I am sorry this happened to you.  Often bullies (in the schoolyard and even in the workplace) is perpetrated by insecure people (NPDs) who somehow hate the goodness and positive aspects in a person and want to destroy them.   Targets for bullying are singled out for their superior qualities.  

You are intelligent and articulate, that's clear.  Intelligent children and teens often suffer at the hands of bullies.  The bullies can be as influential as mean parents. (I had a uBPD/NPD parent.)   I know finding self love in adulthood can be hard.  

As for the head mean girl in your school, karma has a way of leveling things out.  You may never even know this.  I know as a fact that many people who maligned me suffered as a result of the karma they created with disastrous results:  serious illness, divorce, personal family tragedy, career pitfalls.   No one escapes the consequences of their evil deeds and cruelty. 

[WitzEndWife]

Witz_End, thank you for your great suggestion! I will pass that along to him. I'm not sure he's aware of that, but it's great to know.

AskingWhy, the head mean girl stayed in my home town, had kids, and basically just takes care of her kids' and husband's needs. She doesn't even appear to have any hobbies. I don't know if she's happy, but I think my life has been much more exciting and full of adventure than hers, and that makes me happy. Of course, as adults, a lot of the "mean girls" friended me on social media and acted like nothing happened. And maybe some of them had no idea the torment they put me through. Kids tend to be rather self absorbed. At any rate, I think the best revenge is living well, and I've certainly done that.

But trauma is funny - it keeps you locked into a box with the same mindset you had as a kid whenever you encounter similar situations in life. Some times are better for me and I feel like I've moved past it, but I think I still rely way too much on external sources of validation. I really need to move to a point of being able to self validate.

[formflier]

I do most of my own mechanic work and enjoy teaching my kids to do the same.  No real formal mechanic training, just lots of stuff that needs fixing and you keep at it until it's fixed.

Is he not able to get a job in a chain mechanic place like firestone?  Start out changing oil and then move up.

Asked/said another way.  Is he wanting to be an "ASE certified mechanic".  Is there not a two year college around where he can do that or take some classes?


Best,

FF

[WitzEndWife]

He definitely wants certification, but I think he's looking for a really good program. You know, many BPDs have to be "extra." He's been doing some homework on it, but we'll see. Again, I'm not putting all of my eggs in the proverbial basket, but he needs to step up and do more, and, to be fair, he has been working hard. I recognize that this isn't an easy thing if you're not used to working a regular job. He has matured a lot and made a lot of progress in that arena though. He's recovering from his upsets a lot faster than he used to.