Relocated and broken

[Minuet]

I realize I am worried about posting too many details here...

I relocated cross-country with my children to be with my fiance. His adult daughter has a clinical diagnoses of BPD and he exhibited symptoms as well.

We dated long distance for years. As these things are, sometimes it was incredible, sometimes it was horrible. Our time physically together was always positive. But now I am here and it's awful. He asked me tonight when I was moving out. He says I play "PLEASE READing games" all the time. He's insulted my children. Big positive things that I do are acknowledged but fade fast. Small things (being gone for 5 hours on a Saturday with my kids) make him fume for days.

I can't believe I took my kids away from their father for this. I am a resilient person -- I've always had hope before. But I can't muster it tonight. I'm afraid I've made a terrible mistake. I want to have hope again but all I can think is that I made a terrible mistake.

So broken, and hopeless. I don't know what to do.

[Panda39]

Hi Minuet,

Welcome to our family    I'm glad you've found us, this is a safe place to talk. (our stories are surprisingly similar and would be hard to tell apart because we are anonymous)   

I'm sorry you are having such a tough time since moving in with your fiance, what a shock after years of  long distance dating, to find out he isn't who you thought he is.  As hard as it is, I think it is good that you are finding out these things now before marriage.  You have choices.  There is a lot in between being married for life and packing up an leaving today. 

You can stay as you are.
You can choose to proceed and get married.
You can hang out with us an learn about BPD, about tools that can help and contniue to work on your relationship.
You can decide this wasn't what you expected and move on, and we can help you talk that through too.

Here is a link that might help in the short term... Do's & Dont's in a BPD Relationship... https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=62266.0

What is your gut telling you, you should do?  How are your kids doing?  How old are they?

I hope you will share more when you can.

Hang in there, 
Panda39

[ForeverDad]

I relocated cross-country with my children to be with my fiance... We dated long distance for years. As these things are, sometimes it was incredible, sometimes it was horrible. Our time physically together was always positive. But now I am here and it's awful. He asked me tonight when I was moving out...

Moving out?  So you're living in his residence?  I'm suspecting that now he feels more in control and with your relocation commitment he now feels freer to let his behaviors loose.  With BPD, the closer the relationship and the more committed it is, the more impacting the poor behaviors are.

If it is this hard now, what do you think the future holds?  Truthfully, do you believe he will behave better or worse in the future?  That answer can help you decide whether to continue the relationship.

Keep in mind that if it's hard for you, what is it like for your kids?  Not just directly upon them, but also for what example they see you allowing in your relationship.  Do you want them to grow up thinking that this environment is normal?

[CoherentMoose]

Hello.  Sorry you find yourself in this tough spot.  This is a great place to find hope and advice.  I echo "trust your gut instinct".  Sounds like you're now seeing some significant red flags.  Suggest you consider them seriously.  If you haven't done so, read (or listen to) Stop Walking On Eggshells.  It may help in understanding the significance of the red flags.  Also consider spending time in here asking questions and reading.  There is a TON of great material in here.  The trick is wading through it all.  Good luck.  jdc

[Minuet]

Thank you so much to all who replied here. It is tricky as the house is in his name -- he's a vet and since we're not married, we couldn't have my name on the mortgage and still get a VA loan. (I paid for the down payment, but as he said, I signed a gift letter so I'm out of luck.) Definitely, he is in control now.

I have been playing "stepford wife" for the past week and conflicts are way down. I just agree to whatever he says. He can tell I'm disengaged and is asking for reassurance ("Do you like me? When was the last time you said you loved me?"), which is hard and I feel for him too.

Y'all are right -- this isn't how I want to model a relationship for my kids. They are 14,  12 and 3. All girls. I don't want to relocate them again either. But I am a professional who supported myself and them for years, I am not a victim and need to be careful not to fall into that role.

I will read 'walking on eggshells' on my Kindle, and thank you for the link. I know from previous reading that I'm supposed to "set boundaries" but any escalation just seems to lead to more escalation.

I also got our therapist to agree to start doing therapy via phone call with us. I just need to wait until the timing isn't suspicious. Baby steps.

Thank you all for being a safe space. I have never in my life felt so horrible as I did that night. Even through a divorce, even miscarriages were easier -- it would be one thing if it was just me, but I put my children's futures in jeopardy. I am so grateful for your kindness.