Long game divorce?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hi yall.  Its been a while thought things were getting better,  but have been getting worse although she doesn't know that.  I act like I am relatively happy and I do all of the loving husband things I should(Care for her, love on her and be physically attracted to her).

The question I have is about playing the long game in planning for a divorce.  In our state NC there is a 1 year separation before divorce unless there are extinuating circumstances.  So when ever I pull the trigger it will be a minimum of 1 year before it is done.  The question I have is should I wait till she is more able to provide for herself?  She is going through RN schooling right now and is at a minumum goign to be at it for the next 18 months or so.  If I wait till she is able to earn a living that should limit the amount of alimony that I may have to pay because she will have her own income greatly increasing her ability to take care of herself.

Here is the backstory and the details:
My DBPDW cheated on me when we were married only 2 years and didnt tell me till the 10 year mark(currently at 19).  It was not for me to know but for her to relieve her self of the pain. During post bombshell counseling I found out she had BPD  which made my pain much worse.  I've tried to get over it but continue to have bouts of ugly emotions over the years. I've dealt with depression and sucicidal thoughts 3-4 times over the years since. 

I thought that I had a hang of dealing with her BPD through not making it worse and I thought we were on a good trajectory until about a year ago when she started working at a fine dining resaurant making really good money.  Over the past year she has become more independant but her character has greatly changed.  in short she has become more selfish with her time doing things away from home(She is a Scouting leader) and working all the time when she doesn't need to (I make plenty of money).  She has stopped coming to Church and has made individual plans to do a by herself transatlantic(with a crew) sailing trip trip when she is done with school.  Obviously I am invited to that but Obviously there is no way I could take the time off let alone I hate sailing.  We are constantly fightinng about the finances dispite having thousands of dollars of disposable income a month.

Recenty I installed a GPS tracker on our vehicles and in 2 days I have gotten 3 lies about where she was and was supposed to be.  I believe they were bengin one possibly not but likely bengin.  She is telling me she is in class when she is out doing things coffee, Shopping etc.  I believe there is more and I am taking a month trip for work across the country and expect to get the incriminating evidence I need to finally solidify what I know to be true about her cheating on me again.  She has every reason to not tip me off or confess(Ive asked) has everything to loose and make it more terrible if I leave now.  Her schooling will be possibly intterupted and will make the situation worse.

I have already given up hope that I will be happy but can play it off like the stoic Christian husband I have been for nearly 19 years for a few years more to know that I wont have to pay her as much.  What say you guys?  Is this a terrible plan, Good plan or do you have any advise.  TBH I am willing to stay if my suspicions are not fulfilled but will continue to monitor her and gain proof for when I need it.

[reluctanthusband]

Hi yall.  Its been a while thought things were getting better,  but have been getting worse although she doesn't know that.  I act like I am relatively happy and I do all of the loving husband things I should(Care for her, love on her and be physically attracted to her).

The question I have is about playing the long game in planning for a divorce.  In our state NC there is a 1 year separation before divorce unless there are extinuating circumstances.  So when ever I pull the trigger it will be a minimum of 1 year before it is done.  The question I have is should I wait till she is more able to provide for herself?  She is going through RN schooling right now and is at a minumum goign to be at it for the next 18 months or so.  If I wait till she is able to earn a living that should limit the amount of alimony that I may have to pay because she will have her own income greatly increasing her ability to take care of herself.

Here is the backstory and the details:
My DBPDW cheated on me when we were married only 2 years and didnt tell me till the 10 year mark(currently at 19).  It was not for me to know but for her to relieve her self of the pain. During post bombshell counseling I found out she had BPD  which made my pain much worse.  I've tried to get over it but continue to have bouts of ugly emotions over the years. I've dealt with depression and sucicidal thoughts 3-4 times over the years since. 

I thought that I had a hang of dealing with her BPD through not making it worse and I thought we were on a good trajectory until about a year ago when she started working at a fine dining resaurant making really good money.  Over the past year she has become more independant but her character has greatly changed.  in short she has become more selfish with her time doing things away from home(She is a Scouting leader) and working all the time when she doesn't need to (I make plenty of money).  She has stopped coming to Church and has made individual plans to do a by herself transatlantic(with a crew) sailing trip trip when she is done with school.  Obviously I am invited to that but Obviously there is no way I could take the time off let alone I hate sailing.  We are constantly fightinng about the finances dispite having thousands of dollars of disposable income a month.

Recenty I installed a GPS tracker on our vehicles and in 2 days I have gotten 3 lies about where she was and was supposed to be.  I believe they were bengin one possibly not but likely bengin.  She is telling me she is in class when she is out doing things coffee, Shopping etc.  I believe there is more and I am taking a month trip for work across the country and expect to get the incriminating evidence I need to finally solidify what I know to be true about her cheating on me again.  She has every reason to not tip me off or confess(Ive asked) has everything to loose and make it more terrible if I leave now.  Her schooling will be possibly intterupted and will make the situation worse.

I have already given up hope that I will be happy but can play it off like the stoic Christian husband I have been for nearly 19 years for a few years more to know that I wont have to pay her as much.  What say you guys?  Is this a terrible plan, Good plan or do you have any advise.  TBH I am willing to stay if my suspicions are not fulfilled but will continue to monitor her and gain proof for when I need it.

[Grady]

Hi Reluctant,

It sounds as if you have already made up your mind.  You are not happy and things don't sound like they are moving in a more positive direction.  I am not sure about your state, but where I live, the one year separation before an absolute divorce is voided if you can prove adultery.  You would have no waiting period.  And are you are really sure she is going to complete this degree?  If you already caught her lying about her classes/studying, I am guessing that's a tell tale sign she won't finish. 

Living your life spying on her to catch her lies is no way to live.  I think you need to decide whether you are okay staying with her the way she is or if you do want out.  It doesn't seem like she will change.  So you will have to figure out what you want with your life regardless of what she does with hers. 

[reluctanthusband]

Oh yeah I have made up my mind if she is carying on another affair physical or otherwise I am done it is just what am I willing to put up with to set me and the kids up for better after we split.  As far as the lying and selfishness Im more than halfway there to decide on leaving just because now that I KNOW that she is lying about the small things trusting her going forward is goig to be even more difficult if I decide to stick around.  We have a significant amount of consumer debt(Suprise guess who was doing the finances) and if is stay long enough for her to finish school I may be able to get those down quite a bit.  I have officially taken over the finances as of last week.

As far as believing that she will finish school I have no doubt that she will finish.  She is a super student and is one of her most redeeming qualities.  Currently she is doinng quite well in her courses as far as I can tell.  If she fails due to it just being too hard then I will expect her to fall apart and I will have no choice but to leave.

[MeandThee29]

I would start poking around for lawyers. That's such a critical decision. Only a local lawyer can lay out what is likely. In my area, judges look down on alimony for adulterers. That has to be proven though.

Sometimes even some of the top-notch ones offer a 30-minute free phone consult. If you have a brief summary written out and a list of questions, you can get a lot done in 30 minutes. I met mine at a free seminar at his office, but interviewed others before coming back to him.