email from ex about s15

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Good morning. Moving forward, in the event S15 decides not to get up in time for school despite his rationale and with either parents approval; his cell phone privileges will be curtailed. S15's cell phone usage after 9 pm until 6 am will be suspended Monday through Friday. He has unlimited access to our home phone in the event of an emergency ! Perhaps you two can discuss a plan for your house in the event it is needed. I'm hoping S15 makes the right choice for himself. I'm proud that he usually does.

S15 has missed the bus at exs' place over half the times he is at her place this year. Hasn't missed anytime when he is with me. I thought I would send an email suggesting she wake up to make sure he gets up and gets the bus but I am certain that would trigger her. Am I missing something ?

[david]

Good morning. Moving forward, in the event S15 decides not to get up in time for school despite his rationale and with either parents approval; his cell phone privileges will be curtailed. S15's cell phone usage after 9 pm until 6 am will be suspended Monday through Friday. He has unlimited access to our home phone in the event of an emergency ! Perhaps you two can discuss a plan for your house in the event it is needed. I'm hoping S15 makes the right choice for himself. I'm proud that he usually does.

S15 has missed the bus at exs' place over half the times he is at her place this year. Hasn't missed anytime when he is with me. I thought I would send an email suggesting she wake up to make sure he gets up and gets the bus but I am certain that would trigger her. Am I missing something ?

[GaGrl]

No, you are not missing anything. Same story, different day...not her fault.

If you reply at all, you might agree to discuss a plan for S15 at your house, but that it hasn't been an issue this year.

Is there really anything to reply to, per parallel parenting?

[formflier]

Ask her if she would like to discuss solutions to the issue?

Leave it at that.

I agree that unsolicited advice would not be helpful.  If she refuses to discuss, the issue is over.

If she wants to discuss...I'll be interested in watching...from a distance.

Hang in there.

Best,

FF

[david]

I didn't think I was missing something but wanted to be sure. I rarely get emails from ex anymore and I think that is what threw me off. The last month or so I have been getting warning vibes that something is coming my way ( danger Will Robinson). S15 has been talking to me about things at exs' place and the things she has been doing. I surmised she was sending messages/signals of some sort through S15 by her behavior. I listen to him and validate and keep it at that. Can't really put my finger on anything specific. It just doesn't feel right. I sense she is trying to recycle with me.
I am maintaining my boundaries so my behavior hasn't changed.
Suggesting she wake up to get him off to school would be triggering and I find it difficult how she can't figure that out on her own. If he misses the bus he has to wake her up and then he gets yelled at. She angrily drives him to school but not before she showers, etc. He misses two or three classes. She works in the afternoon but gets home no later than 9 pm so waking up should not be an issue.
I believe he just needs some parental involvement at her place and that may be the underlying issue. When he is with her, he comes home from school to an empty house , has to make himself dinner, etc. She gets home around 8:30 to 9 pm from what I have gathered from S15. He is going to bed when she arrives.

[Notwendy]

As a mom to kids who also overslept sometimes and missed the bus, I think a 15 year old is able to manage getting up on his own and getting to school on time without an adult getting him up.

I also think teens this age need a lot of sleep. He's right in the middle of all the physical changes that go on at puberty.

Is he getting enough sleep, and nutritious food to grow?

Are there emotional problems or physical problems?

Some kids are very deep sleepers and need more than one alarm clock. Maybe he needs to get a loud one.

Rather than this be an issue between both parents- how can you help your son manage this and take charge of getting up on his own and getting to school on time?

I'm sorry for his situation. It would be great to have a parent make breakfast for him, be there when he gets home from school. It's unfortunate that he doesn't have a mother who does this. But at 15 he can manage getting up himself.

When I was his age, my BPD mother was still asleep in the mornings. I got myself up, made breakfast and lunch ( or bought it at school) and got to the bus myself. If I did miss the bus, I had to wake her up to ask her drive me. She'd be furious.

I was happy when I could drive myself and not wake her up. But I still had to face the consequence of the tardy itself- and that was enough to make me avoid being late. I don't think this was a bad thing, I was a responsible teen and this helped prepare me for college. ( the other issues with a BPD mother were more concerning)

Your son will be driving soon and so will his friends- and so he won't need to involve his mother at all. I think he's capable of learning to manage this on his own and with a BPD mother, it's better for him to learn this.

[kells76]

Is the bus he misses a school bus or a city bus?

If it's the school bus, is there a backup city bus route he could take? In our area, students can ride the city bus for free if they have school I.D. and are taking it to/from a school.

Interestingly, my younger sister also had this experience with our mom. She has talked recently about how stressful it was to feel like she had to make sure mom was awake to take her to school, and that when she finally got a city bus pass, a lot of the stress was relieved.

Also, carpool?

[GaGrl]

Hmmm...can you work with S15 at your house to have him responsible for setting his alarm and getting up on time? Even with you there to work through the morning routine,  it would be good prep for college for him to get himself out of bed on time without a backup.

[ForeverDad]

Just a side point about how courts view school issues.  Back in 2012 I had equal time but ex was still very obstructive and disparaging - throughout the year.  So I went to court to get majority time.  The case took nearly 1.5 years and ended with 2 full days of testimony.  From all that I want to mention that school testified she had obstructed an overnight field trip in 5th grade and created a scene there.  I provided a list of tardies:  A couple were on my time but nearly 20 were on her time.  What did court do?  They granted me majority time but only during the school year.  School was what got me majority time.

I know you're not likely to take this to court, but I wanted to add that courts listen to school issues, and my impression it was of more concern, or actionable, than what she was doing to our exchanges and disparagement.

[formflier]

FD makes good point.  Make sure you have tight documentation on all this.  Probably good idea to log on and print actual attendance record from school (or however you have to get it)

Can you tell us about his morning routine at your home?

I'm wondering if you need to be involved at all, given he doesn't have issue at your home?

Best,

FF

[worriedStepmom]

I think it's worth having a discussion with your son as to why he keeps missing the bus at mom's house and helping him brainstorm solutions.  It's really not acceptable for him to be missing 2 or 3 class periods regularly like that.

Sounds like mom thinks the issue is that he stays up half the night on his phone.  Is that true?  Was he taking advantage of more lax supervision there?

Does he have to get up earlier there than at your house?  Does that mean he needs to change his alarm?

Is he staying up too late so he can see mom for a little bit and oversleeping because he's tired?

Is the emotional stress of being with mom weighing on him?  (This gets to SD.)

Does he hit snooze too much?  At that age I had to have two alarms.  One was all the way across the room so I had to physically get out of bed to turn it off.

Is he deliberately trying to get out of his first period class and figured out this way works at mom's house?

You're obviously doing something right at your house, but he may need help figuring out what that is so he can try to replicate at mom's.

[formflier]

Trying to take off my "BPD hat" and put on my Dad hat. 

From the parent point of view, missing school is bad. 

If it was me I would casually ask him (without mentioning what Mom said).  "Hey..I was looking at your school records and noticed a lot of tardies (or absences).  I'm concerned."

(note..that's my parenting style.  I deliberately don't ask a question..stick the issue out there and let it hang.  Then watch for lots of "tells" as they wrestle with it.)

Make it about him...not Mom. 

I'm still interested in hearing about your morning routine at your place. 

Last:  Be deliberate about mental preparation for this.  DO NOT go into this as a "problem solving Dad".  Be a listener.  Make sure you have the full story.  Don't fix, don't suggest, (unless he asks). 

Even if he asks "Well...I'm honored you asked for advice.  It's important I fully hear you and understand first, then I'll give it some thought."

Solutions and responsibility are best left for follow up conversation.  My guess here is this isn't just about one thing.


Best,

FF

[Turkish]

15, time to man up. I'd leave his mom out of this and discuss it with your son. 

[livednlearned]

in the event S15 decides not to get up in time for school despite his rationale and with either parents approval

She seems to want to triangulate you into a conflict that they are having.

[formflier]

She seems to want to triangulate you into a conflict that they are having.

Exactly.

The key would seem to be discussing it with the child, but not making it about the Mom.  Stick to the kid and focus on "his responsibilities".

All that being said, if you find out there are things the Mom is doing to "sabotage" or "set him up for failure"...well, cross that bridge if you come to it.   

Best,

FF

[david]

Talked to S15 a week ago. He missed the bus because the bus came too early many times during the first few weeks of school. The school has been sending an email every day to keep parents informed. They were having issues with their bus company. He went to the bus stop 10 to 15 minutes before the bus was due and several students were waiting there. They would wait for about 10 minutes after the due time and then go back to their houses.  If he walked back to his moms', he had to wake her up, and she would drive him after she showered and ate which would make him later still ? He started going to school with a friend that was at the bus stop. The bus situation seems to have improved this week and he hasn't been late.
S15 also informed me that his mom has been extremely agitated lately and has told him that she missed her mortgage payment for two months. I think they were late but she did get them paid. I think that was the missing piece in all of this and why she sent an email to me.

[formflier]

Sounds like he was actually being resourceful and understanding his Mom's capabilities compared to friend at bus stop. 

Hopefully you gave him pat on the back for navigating this.

Best,

FF

[kells76]

The school has been sending an email every day to keep parents informed.

Any way to get yourself on the list?

We've moved (reverted) back to mostly parallel parenting. I've encouraged DH to go straight to the source for as much info as possible. I don't "ask" Mom any more for info about activities; I just find out how to get us on the email list and do it. No more surprises from Mom that "the kids really want to do X school activity" (on DH's night, that, of course, Mom might be at); we know about it ahead of time and decide on our own.

[Panda39]

she missed her mortgage payment for two months. I think they were late but she did get them paid. I think that was the missing piece in all of this and why she sent an email to me.

Yep, there's the trigger.  I have found the same thing with my partner's ex, things start escalating up/getting dramatic she usually has something going on behind the scenes.

Panda39

[david]

I am on the email list. Ex tried sabotaging that a few times but I was able to get it resolved a few years back.
She actually told S15 that she is thinking of selling her place and renting instead because it will be cheaper. It won't where she lives. She told him she is going to contact an attorney to find out. It actually turned into a productive discussion because I was able to explain how you get a mortgage,etc. I steered clear of getting into his moms' situation. Why she is talking to him about these things is another issue but I can't do anything about that.