Divorce from Hell

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I am currently ending my 20 year marriage, 28 years together, with someone I am 99.9% sure is bipolar. I had to end the marriage because my children and weren't safe this last year. I have dealt with all that is described in this site. Our divorce is a circus. He is bound and determined that I am a really bad person, and he wants to ruin me. He is running around trying to prove things that don't exist. He has sexual disorders as well, and apparently has multiple partners. My goal is to take care of my children and self after living in this Hell for so many years. To teach my children that this is not "normal" behavior. Unfortunately the stress from the divorce may have sent my daughter into early onset bipolar disorder. She has been suffering from depression, and had a shoplifting incident she didn't even remember. She is 11. I have her in weekly therapy, and now have her on meds. As if my situation could of gotten worse, it did. The brighter side. We feel comfortable, relaxed and safe in our home environment now. Now that he is out. My kids have been mandated to see him twice a week, no overnights. They hate it. I have a protection order to keep him from me, but he finds other ways to harass me, thru the app we are supposed to talk to each other thru. Its miserable. I have a feeling he will never give me peace. His main focus is to give me nothing for support after 20 years of marriage. I have seen this man be the most interesting person, fun to be around, to the devil, a person who screams for 4-6 hours when he is in an argument with you and drags my kids into the middle of it. My kids were avoiding him at all costs, hiding in their rooms. He is oblivious to what is going on right in front of him. His perception is that everything is fine, but its not. He does all of the typical things. He has a lot of narcissistic qualities as well. As he has climbed in his career, he has gotten nastier and nastier towards me. I hope there is a light at the end of the tunnel. There are days it seems very hopeless.

[Z mom]

I am currently ending my 20 year marriage, 28 years together, with someone I am 99.9% sure is bipolar. I had to end the marriage because my children and weren't safe this last year. I have dealt with all that is described in this site. Our divorce is a circus. He is bound and determined that I am a really bad person, and he wants to ruin me. He is running around trying to prove things that don't exist. He has sexual disorders as well, and apparently has multiple partners. My goal is to take care of my children and self after living in this Hell for so many years. To teach my children that this is not "normal" behavior. Unfortunately the stress from the divorce may have sent my daughter into early onset bipolar disorder. She has been suffering from depression, and had a shoplifting incident she didn't even remember. She is 11. I have her in weekly therapy, and now have her on meds. As if my situation could of gotten worse, it did. The brighter side. We feel comfortable, relaxed and safe in our home environment now. Now that he is out. My kids have been mandated to see him twice a week, no overnights. They hate it. I have a protection order to keep him from me, but he finds other ways to harass me, thru the app we are supposed to talk to each other thru. Its miserable. I have a feeling he will never give me peace. His main focus is to give me nothing for support after 20 years of marriage. I have seen this man be the most interesting person, fun to be around, to the devil, a person who screams for 4-6 hours when he is in an argument with you and drags my kids into the middle of it. My kids were avoiding him at all costs, hiding in their rooms. He is oblivious to what is going on right in front of him. His perception is that everything is fine, but its not. He does all of the typical things. He has a lot of narcissistic qualities as well. As he has climbed in his career, he has gotten nastier and nastier towards me. I hope there is a light at the end of the tunnel. There are days it seems very hopeless.

[kells76]

Welcome, Z mom 

Really glad you found the boards. A lot of what you described sounds so familiar -- the blame, paranoia, accusation, and impact on the kids. It's so stressful. It sounds like even though you know the things he's saying aren't grounded in reality, that doesn't mean his actions and words aren't completely draining and exhausting.

 

I hope there is a light at the end of the tunnel. There are days it seems very hopeless.

It is hard for you now. For many members, it can take a while before things look up -- but, it can and does happen.

When you're ready, want to tell us more about your kids? Your D11 (11 year old daughter) sounds like she is deeply struggling. How about your other kid(s)?

Are you in counseling right now?

And do you have a lawyer?

Fill us in whenever feels good to you;

kells76

[MeandThee29]

Honestly, you have to let go of your expectations. This is going to be the fight of your life. People like this will do what they have to do to feel that they have triumphed. Your welfare and emotional health aren't on their radar. That's hard to let go, but they really don't care.

Get yourself a top-notch lawyer and a good therapist. Surround yourself with friends who believe in you.

[ForeverDad]

Is there a difference between Bi-polar and Borderline PD?  Yes.  Briefly, Bi-polar is a chemical imbalance.  It can be treated with meds.  Borderline Personality Disorder is a perception/behavior problem, a type of mental illness.  While meds can moderate the poor behaviors, the real treatment is focused long-term therapy.  Of course the dilemma is their Denial, varying extreme perceptions and Blame-Shifting is so overwhelming that they refuse effective therapy.

Why the confusion between the two?  Historically, BPD was considered untreatable (before DBT & CBT therapies) and was generally not covered by insurance.  So many professionals had diagnosed Bi-polar so the patients could get coverage for their therapy.

[Z mom]

Thats the thing. I have an attny, I have already paid her close to 20K, and I feel she doesnt really get it. He hasnt been diagnosed and he wont go, he has a security clearance and will lose his job. Im not sure if he BP or BPD, his ups and downs are drastic and violent. He has said he is going to kill himself several times. He always does this in front of the kids. I have a very grounded 17 year old son, not sure how that happened. The kids have always been super close to me and kept him at arms length. I think out of fear. Oddly enough, my son, who I say is an old soul, helps comfort me at times. His knowledge is really astounding and his maturity at such a young age. I think he will be ok, but I do make him go to therapy with his sister. They are both quiet kids and they bounce topics off of eachother. My son wasnt sure about the therapy at first, but after the last week, his sister was in crisis and he agreed "we need therapy" I try not to talk too much about the divorce, but, my kids and I have always had a very open relationship. They can tell me anything with no judgement. We always have open dialog, I think that may be why I have kept them grounded. As far as my daughter, her issues are stress and anxiety related. She has never been a problem ever. This terrible situation has got her up in arms. She is still very close and tells me everything, but we are going into puberty and the teen years. I am not looking forward to the fall out from this situation and the hormonal changes. It is going to be a challenge. She is current taking a mood stablizer, which seems to be helping. So I am hoping we are ahead of this train coming into the station. I tell her she will always have my full support. I will always be there. Unlike my husband who is looking for his next mistake like he is on fire. I could care less about dating or finding my next love interest. I feel someday, if it happens, its going to be natural. My kids are my world. 

[MeandThee29]

So in your mind, what is holding up the divorce? A good lawyer is going to do all they can to keep it moving.

Mine has slowed to a standstill, but I know that my side is not the reason.

[WileyCoyote]

He hasnt been diagnosed and he wont go, he has a security clearance and will lose his job.

I have personal knowledge that this IS NOT true.   Just wanted to share for your awareness.

[MeandThee29]

I have personal knowledge that this IS NOT true.   Just wanted to share for your awareness.

Yes, the guidelines are far more flexible than they once were. People who have clearances do go for counselling now, but it does depend on what they are going for.

More likely, he doesn't want to go.