How to break up

[boogs152]

Hey there,

I’ve posted several times regarding my 2 year relationship with diagnosed BPD man. In that time there’s been non stop drama. I’m sick to death of the turmoil, cheating and lies. I’ve been beyond patient, read all the literature on tips and techniques for loved ones with BPD and mainly got through the relationship by putting his needs before mine.
The pressure is building again as we’re dealing with yet another drama.My partner has regrets about compulsive poor decision making that involves a petty crime he engaged in recently.He’s suicidal and in some type of mania state from what Ive observed.He’s desperate to return to a psychiatric clinic for the sixth time this year and I’m desperate to get out of the relationship. I look terrible and the weight keeps stacking on due to stress.
How do I break up with a fragile borderline?
I want out. I want out now.

[Cat Familiar]

Well, not to sound too hard hearted, but if he's planning on being hospitalized at a psychiatric clinic, wouldn't that be an opportunity for you to change your living arrangements?

[boogs152]

Hi Cat,


I think I just want to break up. It doesn’t feel
like  a loving balanced relationship...I just live with someone who brings drama into my home.

[Gemsforeyes]

Hi Boogs-

I’m so sorry you’re going through this, and I support you in your effort to say “enough”.

Is there a way he can move into some type of transitional housing when he’s released from the hospital?  Six times in the last year... how long do the hospital stays normally last and what type of follow-up care is provided?

Does he have family around?  How was he surviving before you met two years ago?

And what type of support do you have?

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[boogs152]

Hello Gem


The only transitional housing he can access is to stay with a friend. No family. They’re all interstate and he has a fractured relationship with them at best. He cannot tolerate being around people. He usually stays in hospital for about a month at a time. There’s limited follow up care as he is expected to see his psychiatrist or psychologist but this requires money and lengthy car journeys. He was homeless sleeping rough on the streets when we met.
I see a psychologist. We started seeing a couples counsellor. We only had one appointment thus far.

I helped him get off the streets and he’s treated me so badly at time. At the moment he looks at me like I’m a bad of Sh*t

[Gemsforeyes]

Okay Boogs-

I just went back and read through your history.  My friend, you have been through it...

And it doesn’t sound as if there’s been much reciprocated on his end.  He’s too ill and wouldn’t know how to recognize another person’s needs if it were spelled out for him in three letter words.  Sad but true.

I do believe there does come a day when us codependent types have to wake up.  Part of that is to really open our eyes to what’s before us.  You can have hope for him without it controlling your life.  You can wish him well and release yourself as his caretaker.

If he enters the psyche program again, perhaps you arrange (in advance) to disclose the decision to end the r/s in a joint therapy session at the hospital.  Could this approach work?  Or something of this nature?

If he ends up living rough on the streets, that can no longer be your responsibility.  I know it sounds harsh, but he was there at 46 when you met.  If he will not or cannot do the hard work, you cannot do it for him.

And this relationship is stealing your lifeblood.  I can feel it’s been doing this for quite sometime.  Boogs... there is that saying...”don’t set yourself on fire to keep another person warm”

Thoughts?

Warmly,
Gems

[boogs152]

Thanks for understanding Gem. It’s been a really rough time. I accept my responsibility in all of this too and now it’s time to move on. My body and mind is ready to move but my heart is holding on. Now more than ever I have to be rational and realise that I must do what’s for the best and not for what I want. Just because you love someone doesn’t make it right to stay. Part of me is totally resolved in this decision and the other half is shaking like a child.

It’s so hard when you see the person beneath the chaos.i have read and re read your words and they were exactly what I needed to hear the most. I won’t forget what you’ve told me and I will remember your encouragement when the time comes to step away.

[Harri]

Why not see this through to where he is in the hospital, has stabilized with some good professional support in place before taking action?  Let his doctors and therapists know what your plan is and that he will be alone and unable to support himself.  I get the urge for NOW, I really do.  After trying for so long and being so conflicted making a decision is freeing and it is hard not to act on it immediately.

Leaving him before at least some safety nets are in place ... will that be good for you?

[boogs152]

I totally agree Harri. I wouldn’t make a move without being clear on a plan. I feel a duty of care. He has told medical professionals that outside of living with me that he would have to live out of his car or with a possible friend option. There’s nothing they can do in terms of finding him appropriate accommodation.

There is emergency accommodation that he can access for three nights only. It’s usually with drug addicts and people who have gotten out of prison and very unsafe. Unfortunately the Australian government has washed its hands of helping those who need it most.

[Harri]

Okay, good.  I remember when you first started posting here and I am so sorry things have reached this point for you.

I had no idea it was so bad in Australia in terms of follow up care for mental illness. 

Would you be able/willing to meet with your bf and his T while he is in the hospital to tell him you are leaving so can all work together?  Is that sort of therapy available in patient? 

How viable would this friend option be in terms of living arrangements after?  What about church organizations?  (sorry, I can be persistent)

[boogs152]

That’s okay Harri. You’re offering many valid suggestions.I wanted to get a full spectrum of advice. That’s why I posted this.

I’ll definitely look into church organisations etc. He has engaged with them in the past I believe. I’m not sure how effective any of it will be.I can only do so much. I think that ultimately it comes down to my him to walk his own path. We’ve had our serious chats before about treatment and he just dips his toe in and out for the most part. Wasting time. Doesn’t make sense given the degree of emotional pain he lives with everyday. It’s quite stunning and I don’t think I’m helping anymore.

[boogs152]

Hello again Gem

I see there is another member here going through a similar breakup process. I’ve read your advice there and the wording of how to break up was very helpful. Using the “I” when expressing my reason for leaving.
Very helpful indeed. Sometimes we need someone to spell out the exact way to say it. Especially when we’re worn down emotionally.

[Harri]

I think that ultimately it comes down to my him to walk his own path. We’ve had our serious chats before about treatment and he just dips his toe in and out for the most part. Wasting time. Doesn’t make sense given the degree of emotional pain he lives with everyday. It’s quite stunning and I don’t think I’m helping anymore.

Yes, I think he does have to walk this path on his own or at least choose to start it and then take the help that is available.  Unfortunately pwBPD do not have the skills or the executive function to make these kind of choices without a whole lot of support.  Depression can also distort thoughts and thinking is not rational.  I get that you can not be this person for him.  

I have c-PTSD and I can tell you that making the choice to get help and work through my history has been the most challenging thing ever.  I put it off for about 15 years and I was living an outwardly good life with lots of access to help if I wanted it.   I did what I could while also avoiding some really big issues I knew i should address.  Once I got started in trauma focused therapy and really dug in deep, I finally got a glimpse of why pwBPD and other disorders will walk/run from treatment.  I get his fear/reluctance I think.  Not that it justifies it though.  And... not that it makes sense.  Staying with the known hurt and dysfunction is easier than moving into the greater pain that will come and the fear of the unknown is tremendous.  I am not saying any of that to get you to change your mind.  I do agree that you need to take care of you as well.  

I hope something pans out with a church group.  What about local mental health groups?  Would he be able to relocate to where he is closer to services from his doctors or even have access to a bus?  Again, just brain storming here with you.

[boogs152]

Yes he definitely has complex trauma. He’s an absolute mess. His cognitive function and memory retention is basically non existent. He says he has heightened anxiety but from what I see it look more like a type of mania even tho he barely can get out of bed.

I can only imagine what it must be like truly facing the types of challenges that lay ahead of him... for better or worse... it will be hell. My partner C* and I have discussed relocating many times to aid his recovery but he chops and changes on his decisions. It’s r frustrating. Meanwhile time is ticking away and so is my quality of life.
Believe me I’ve gone above and beyond and I figure after two years of trying every possible avenue and measure to aid the recovery of an amazing and incredible person, I’m  left numb and confused.

[Harri]

Believe me I’ve gone above and beyond and I figure after two years of trying every possible avenue and measure to aid the recovery of an amazing and incredible person, I’m  left numb and confused.

I know you have.     It is painful and so very frustrating to love someone who refuses to help their self.  That you still see him as being amazing and incredible says a lot.

Do you think he will be going in the hospital soon?  I am unsure of how it works. 

[Gemsforeyes]

Hi Boogs (and Harri)-

I do think and believe with all my heart (again, after reading all of your posts) that you have most definitely done all you could have for him.  All ANYONE could have done.  And more than most people would.

You’ve no reason to second guess yourself, Boogs.  You opened your heart and your home to a stranger, loved and trusted him fully; and GAVE.  You truly GAVE. 

A point of “no return” has been reached.  Your situation is the true measure of that statement.  There is no return for you.  You have been receiving nothing from him.  Not love, appreciation, kindness, and certainly not happiness.  And he has come to believe that nothing is expected of him.  You said in an earlier post that he “uses” people for what he can get  from them.  You further stated that when you have periods of brief separation, you began to feel more like yourself.  You were able to feel your own feelings.  How would you like to feel?

I know this is tearing you apart.  GOD... I know we want to be the one who held the “key”; the one who held the answers and the cure to what ailed them.  We want to “love them to wellness”.  Doesn’t happen.  It doesn’t happen.  They cannot let that happen.

Boogs- I believe your body, your soul are telling you something, giving you your message.  And now, you’re listening.  When my marriage to NPD exH was coming to a close, I was in deep denial.  Those 19 years of emotional abuse took such a toll on me.  But when he threw me across the room, well my marriage ended that night.  I didn’t NEED to be hurled through the air, but I needed to exit that marriage.  So I guess the universe said “geez, what’s it gonna take to snap her loyalty?”  And BOOM.  DONE.

You don’t need your head snapped.  You’re already getting the message.  The question is... will you listen to yourself?  I believe you’re worth listening to, my friend.

Hugs and love to you,
Gems

[Waddams]

JMHO - my experience of getting a BPD out of my home went like this:

1. Told them (BPD and her kids that were turning just as nuts and disruptive and destructive as she was) relationship was over. They needed to move out of my home and I gave them a time frame that wasn't overly onerous.

2. Prior to this, I had researched the laws governing this kind of thing, in my area they were what was called "tenant at will" because the home was my name only. So I made sure I followed the process laid out in the law which was to give them a notification and a timeline that was established in the law (it was 60 days).

3. Prior to this, I also made sure I had a safety/escape plan ready to execute. My wallent, phone, keys, and side arm were on my person. I set my phone to record the interaction as well. I told them I'd just emailed them as well, but I was ending things and they needed to move out. I gave BPDx the timeline, and then I said I have nothing else to say and ended the discussion. Of course BPDx got spun up some, yelled, complained to the kids (he's kicking us out!), tried to FOG me, etc. I had a bug out bag in my trunk that had a spare credit card and a few hundred $$ in it, travel toiletries, etc. I was ready to go bug out quick in case things went ballistic. She didn't go completely ballistic but it was still uncomfortable/stressful, so I made a decision to leave for the weekend anyway. Went and found a hotel in a little destination town about an hour away and had myself a relaxing time. Ignored the texts and messages other than a single response that was "my mind is made up. at this point i wish you the best moving on, between us it's over. i have nothing else to say beyond what i've already said."

4. I was prepared and ready to go file for an eviction against them if they refused to leave. I did not tell them this, I just made sure I had copies of the paperwork, knew the fees, knew where to file, knew what to put into documentation to prove I had followed the applicable landlord/tenant law, etc. I made sure the notification to them was in writing and could confirm they had received it. This was done by emailing them and saving the texts/email responses I got to said email. As nasty as they were, I was simply going to tell the judge at the eviction hearing "here's the notification, and she received it because she sent these as a response" and try to stay out of further discussion of the details/history/background beyond I'm evicting this person after they refused to leave and I've followed the proper legal procedures to do so.

There was more drama that ensued for sure. But in the end, I stuck to my guns, I didn't get sucked into rehashing or further discussions about the relationship, I simply just kept saying "It's over, I'm done. I'm not going to discuss anything further than that other than what I've already told you which is you need to move out by such and such date." In the end, they moved out while making a big scene, making a big mess, and playing up their victimhood as much as they could. I just stayed out of the way and ignored/grey rocked them and all their flying monkeys as much as I could, and was happy I didn't have to move forward with an eviction.

I won't say it was easy but the first night they were gone and I had true peace in my home again, it became clear it was worth it.

[boogs152]

Thanks for sharing Waddams. It’s alwaya good to have a plan and I appreciate you sharing yours. I think that a lot of us here could do with a little more peace at home.

I just wanted to check in again and let you know that after venting here this week that contradicting emotions and thoughts are starting to filter into my consciousness. These contradictions that exist on an internal level are starting to mess with my conviction. Why for gods sake? It’s so frustrating and now I feel compromised by the possibility of self sabotage.


 Am I making sense?


                             

[Notwendy]

Yes, it makes sense. These types of relationships involve an emotional "match" between two people, each with their own set of traits. Why did you get involved in the first place? Someone else may have walked away. This isn't a fault of yours, it's often a result of our own upbringing- to feel overly responsible for someone else. It may help to explore this. One thing you don't want to happen is if you break up- and then end up in a similar situation with someone else due to "rescuing " tendencies.

Dysfunctional families tend to share traits with families with alcoholism. I have attended ACA groups due to my own upbringing with a BPD mother. This is not to blame her for my choices but to help me understand why I also tend to feel overly responsible for someone else. Look at this laundry list:      https://adultchildren.org/wp-content/uploads/Literature/The_Laundry_List_EN-US_A4.pdf

I could identify with several of them. Look at traits #6 and #9.

If you identify with these, then these could be why you are feeling mixed feelings about breaking up. Also, I think no person ( or relationship) is all good or all bad. Surely there are things about this partner and the relationship that you felt were good. However, is this relationship good for you? What we are drawn to may not be good for us.

You may not have learned that it is OK to take care of yourself, to not allow someone else to drain your resources, emotionally or otherwise. Your partner is an adult, not a child. He is responsible for his behavior and choices. It's natural to care for someone going through tough times and to want to be helpful---- but there's a line between helpful and being responsible for them to the neglect of yourself.

It may help you to get some personal support through a break up, or a relationship.

[AskingWhy]

Thanks for sharing Waddams. It’s alwaya good to have a plan and I appreciate you sharing yours. I think that a lot of us here could do with a little more peace at home.

I just wanted to check in again and let you know that after venting here this week that contradicting emotions and thoughts are starting to filter into my consciousness. These contradictions that exist on an internal level are starting to mess with my conviction. Why for gods sake? It’s so frustrating and now I feel compromised by the possibility of self sabotage.

boogs, I can't add more to what was already mentioned by others, but I support you in your desire to move on.

It's is hard to part from a BPD partner, and even more so if married or having children.  Please practice self care and be gentle with yourself.  You are not responsible for your partner when he is dysregulating and cannot self control.  It's no fun being someone's punching bag.   

[boogs152]

Thanks so much for taking the time to offer advice and support. I’m will be talking  to a counsellor in a few days.

Latest update. My partner C* and I discussed our relationship a few hours ago. This is how it went...

C* : I’m thinking that I don’t need to go back to the clinic. I’ll just       tough it out for a while.

Me : Tough it out? Why? I’m at breaking point. Deep down I really want to be with you but I’m feeling overwhelmed.

C* : Well let’s break up then. We can just be friends. We can just remain friends and I’ll still live with you. I haven’t got anywhere to go.

I know that the time has come to break up. I know in my heart that it’s time to take care of myself. This is what I NEED.But I can’t help but feel so angry at C* for discarding me the way he does. I’ve given so much... more than anyone could and willingly do,in the hope that after nearly two years that things would improve. They haven’t as you all know. I sound like a broken record. I’ve repeated myself again and again.
He later told me that he didn’t want to spend money on a couples counsellor. Two weeks ago  he was will willing to see a therapist together (so that he could come back from the “break”he instigated). I  asked him what changed? Why was he  so willingly ready to do whatever it took to work together to make things better and then take it all away? He looked back at me blankly. I instantly felt used.
I feel like a fool, an angry foolish woman who lives in her own silly delusional world.

Don’t get me wrong I know what I need to do. I know... I know but I’m just lost in disappointment, sadness and broken hope. I really don’t want him to remain here. I want to be alone. I can’t get the space I need from his negativity with him here. I can’t face more of his reality... him in his room endlessly, popping pills, withdrawn and avoidant. I just need to find the words to tell him that he needs to leave.

I didn’t mention that the very first time I met C* I was a young shy 18 year old. I was in my first job and finding my way in the world when he walked into my life briefly. He was a high profile sports star. Earning big money and in magazines. He made such an impression on me during our conversation. He was so kind and gentle. Nothing physical occurred. We talked about life and then he was gone. Twenty years passed and I’d always wondered what happened to him. I wonder where that kind special soul was. So I looked for him. I found him and reached out to thank him for the impression he made on me.

I didn’t have an agenda I just wanted to wish him well and let him know that someone saw the person inside. It became a relationship unexpectedly. I just wish so much that it wasn’t him that I had to learn such hard lessons through. Why him? That beautiful memory smashed to pieces. My naivety twisted and turned against me. I realise that lessons learned are for good reason. I know all that but why him. I wish I could’ve gone through this emotional trashing with a complete stranger. How do we not end up bitter and numb through the trials and tribulations that life has installed for us.

[Cat Familiar]

What keeps you from telling him to leave?

[boogs152]

I want to protect him.

[Cat Familiar]

How could you protect him without him being in your house?

[boogs152]

By trying to convince him to return to the clinic and then Talking to the medical professionals there?

[Cat Familiar]

That’s a great idea!

[boogs152]

Okay. Thanks Cat

[boogs152]

I’m thinking of going no contact at some stage. Once the dust has settled and he’s safe in hospital and I’ve explained to my partner that he can no longer reside at my home. Obviously, I’ll do this with the help of medical staff and talk to his family.


What’s the best way to have that type of conversation? Do I need to even tell him that I’m going no contact? Should I just fade away? I mean these types of questions seem a bit immature but I’m needed guidance at the moment as I’m struggling emotionally. I’ll also discuss the topic with my counsellor tomorrow.

[Cat Familiar]

Having medical staff present while he's in hospital and telling him would be ideal.

Do you need to tell him you're going NC? I don't think so. How do you feel about just doing that? You are looking to end things, aren't you?

[Harri]

This thread reached the post limit and has been locked and split.  Part 2 is here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=339969.msg13079785#msg13079785

Thank you.