Newly self diagnosed husband-I need help to save our marriage

[2getherYetAlone]

So, my husband and I have been together for 3 years and married for two years. His emotions are so up and down. Any little thing triggers him. When I try to do something around the house he tells me no, that he will get it, but I am damned if I do damned if I don’t because if I don’t do it, he gets mad later, if I do it, he gets mad. His biggest trigger is anything involving his seven year old daughter. She has learned to manipulate due to her mom and her grandmothers. She will be standing in between us and him and I are holding hands and she will scream ouch you pinched me, and he believes her even though he knows I never pulled my hands out of his. And if she gets hurt, even just a slight fall off her bike, he blows up. Or if something like a handle on cabinet coming lose, garage not being 100%neat, etc. this has resulted in him hitting me once, and shoving me twice. Each of those times it was when his little girl got hurt or sick, even though I was in no way responsible for the illness/injury. Last week he said “something is wrong with me” and started looking online. He cried and said “I have BPD.” I had already figured this out a year ago but when I mentioned it to him back then he refused to acknowledge anything I said and told me he would be damned if he took the blame for our joke of a marriage if it failed. But now he says he has it. I am just thankful he can see it. But he promised me he would make contact with a therapist to set up sessions and he still has yet to do it. So what can I tell him to spur him into action. I love him and he loves me. But when he is triggered, he hates me with a passion and says such horrific things about me and my adult children(and any seemingly simple thing can trigger him). I am just so lost and confused. I don’t know what to do. The things he says to me when he is upset just tear at my soul. He has shattered my heart a million times over and each time I glue it back together on my own because I love him. But I feel like my health(mental and physical)is taking a toll. So what do I do? What can I say to him to get him to set up the sessions? And what do I say to him when he gets like this? He accuses me of things, or of being lazy when I work full time just like he does, plus I do all the housework, and all the cooking on the weeks we have his daughter, so he can spend all his time focused on her. We have her for one week every other week. Please give me suggestions.

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[Ozzie101]

Hi, 2getherYetAlone and welcome to the family!

I'm glad you've found us -- though I'm sorry for the circumstances that bring you here. That's a lot to deal with.

First of all, I'm concerned about your mention of physical abuse. Do you feel safe? Have you reached out to a domestic violence agency or counselor? I say this not to scare you, but because it can be very beneficial to you. In my case, my H was verbally and emotionally abusive and borderline physical (blocked my path, broke things but never touched me). Upon advice from members here, I contacted a DV agency and started speaking to a counselor and it really helped me a lot.

A lot of what you write is familiar to me (and likely to others). My H also has a child from a previous marriage (SS8) and he can serve as a major trigger for H. As I understand it, it's not uncommon for pwBPD to "enmesh" with their children -- in other words, they have difficulty viewing their children as separate, individual people. Any pain (real or imagined) your SD suffers, H feels it as if it's happening to him. And, since he has difficulty regulating his emotions and those emotions tend to be extreme -- well, it's unpleasant.

You're ahead of the game in some ways: your H believes he has BPD and figured it out on his own. That's rare from what I can tell. My H still doesn't know my suspicions. And getting someone to actually go to therapy is a tricky, thorny thing. Really, if he doesn't want to go, you can't make him and if you try to coerce or push, it can backfire. Have you seen this article? Some of it doesn't fully apply to your situation but some may be helpful:
https://bpdfamily.com/content/how-to-get-borderline-into-therapy

As for tips, can you give a specific example of a recent episode: how it started, what he said, how you responded? Details can help us see what skills may work best for you.

[2getherYetAlone]

I sometimes feel safe, like I tell myself he truly loves me and would never cause me any severe physical harm. But other times he starts screaming and stomping towards me and I cringe waiting for the other shoe to drop. I spent a couple nights in the local domestic violence shelter earlier this year, with my them 18 year-old son. But when I’ve called them since then, they have been full.

I have no family within a 1000 mile radius, and I have no real friends. Add to this that H is in a certain type of profession that responds to situations like this, I won’t say his profession for fear it will somehow be linked to him by someone and he will learn I’m on here. Let’s just say that he is very close acquaintances/friends with those who would respond to violent situations like this. So I can’t call any “normal” emergency help places because I don’t want him to lose his job. He is the best at what he does and everyone knows it. He recently talked me into leaving my full time job to be available to help more with SD7, due to his work schedule and her school schedule somebody needed to be more available and he makes a lot more than I do. Now when he is triggered, he will point out that I can’t go anywhere because I have no money, no car(they are all financed in his name as is his house, he had house before we ever met.)

Thing is, When he is saying that, I am not saying I want to leave I am saying “we need to figure out how to fix this with us.”

Example of recent episode: He has spoiled SD7 trying to make up for lost time since he only has her 50% of time. This also means he doesn’t discipline her at all. I’ll get onto her for something when it involves her safety or the safety of someone around her. If she has gotten in trouble at school she doesn’t get to have her phone when we pick her up from school. Problem is that SD7 can fib like crazy and convince H that teacher was just being mean and he gives her the phone anyway. I mentioned that we need to rethink our consequence/reward system that we set up together, and he went ballistic. Yelling, accusing me of being a dictator, saying that I called his baby girl manipulative, and saying I have no room for her on my life and that things were gonna change whether i liked it or not and that he didn’t give a f&$$ whether I agreed or not because he no longer gives a damn about me and my feelings. He said hateful things about me and my now adult son, said that I’ve been using him this entire time and that that is over, it’s his time to use me and he said “you ain’t going nowhere you manipulative bit$&. (I never said I was.) so I start quietly crying and he says see there, manipulating again, I don’t effing get why you can cry every time but I’m never allowed to show my feelings.

 What I don’t get is that I’m the only one he blows up in like this. He can control it at work and public settings. And this was two days ago and he is still refusing to kiss me, tell me he loves me etc. it’s like a cycle. He will come home from work tomorrow morning and act as if nothing happened. Side note about SD7- I don’t want anyone to rule her with an iron fist, but I don’t see how she will ever learn to act appropriately when she has zero consequences for her actions. She has lied to him about me, right in front of me, when he knows I couldn’t have done to her what he said, and she tells her M and GM things about me that aren’t true as well. But not once has she ever gotten into trouble. She has even right in front of him grabbed her own arms and rubbed her wrist red right in front of H and then told him I did it. He didn’t believe her of course, but she had zero consequence for it and it’s getting worse.

But now it’s happening to him too. Other night she didn’t get her way about something and she said well that’s fine daddy, I’m just gonna tell my teacher that you don’t love me and are mean to me.” He said well that’s not nice and that it’s a lie and she started screaming take me back to mommie. She also plays her M and my H against each other. Also we do butt heads occasionally because he lets her watch whatever videos she wants on you tube regardless of the inappropriate language used, and I don’t agree, as I feel it is contributing factor to her misbehavior. His response is always o want her to be able to watch whatever she wants and she is smart enough to not go to any video that is too adult or too teen ish for her.” But we always hear horrible language from her phone when she has it. And if he is at work and she didn’t earn her phone at school for good behavior, I refuse to let her have it and as soon as she talks to him she start crying saying I’m being mean. Then when she goes back to her M she tells her she is scared of me and doesn’t want to come here anymore.

Thing is H has devoted his entire life and existence to her and does all he can for her and she has started accusing him of not loving her when she doesn’t get her way and he caves in to her to avoid her having a tantrum. Side note is that my H mother is severely narcissistic and raised him horribly and he was sexually abused by his own F for years. H is also ADHD and has ptsd due to childhood trauma and due to his career.

[2getherYetAlone]

I’ll also say that I’ve never used a message board before so I don’t know if I am replying to you correctly or not

[Ozzie101]

I can understand your hesitance. When you stayed at the shelter, did they offer any counseling or resources? I saw a counselor (for free) once a week for several months and it was valuable. Many agencies offer those services and it can really be of help. Even if you can't, please read this when you have a chance:
https://bpdfamily.com/pdfs/safety-first-dv-1.pdf
It's a safety plan. I was encouraged to have one ready when my H was dysregulating. You may never need to use it, but it's so helpful when you're in a scary situation to already have a plan in place.

In the meantime, there are a couple of resources I hope you'll look at. Have you ever heard of the MOSAIC test? It's a DV threat assessment test, completely free and anonymous. I hope you'll take it and let us know your score (mine was a 6):
https://www.mosaicmethod.com

The situation with your stepdaughter is, unfortunately, not unheard of in step-family, divorce situations. But, in your case, it's compounded by the disordered thinking.

[Turkish]

How are things today 2getherYetAlone?