Mother is coming for a visit ...

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Yes, its been two years… but I guess it won't hurt, ugh.

I don't talk much here about my own mother… its a long story, and a deep rabbit hole, well, more like a "black hole".

Probably the "source" (yeah) of a lot of my own issues… yeeesh, where to start…

So, SITREP as follows…

Me and ubpdw have been separated now for ten months, happy new physical year btw  … for all you "bean counters" out there  

Dear old mother ain't been up here to visit since oh' sixteen…

Dear old mother is very toxic… again, its a long story, and a deep rabbit hole, well, more like a "black hole".

I used to refer to mother as "the destroyer of worlds" … yeah,

For her whole life, the rest of my Foo (tribe) has called her "aunt sassy"…

… "sassy"

[ˈsasē] - ADJECTIVE… lively, bold, and full of spirit; cheeky - "Alice was smart and sassy and liked to pretend she was a hard nut"…

synonyms: impudent · impertinent · insolent · presumptuous · forward · pert · bold · bold as brass · brazen · brazen-faced · shameless · audacious · overfamiliar · irreverent · discourteous · disrespectful · insubordinate · impolite · bad-mannered · ill-mannered · unmannerly · mannerless · rude · insulting · brass-necked · cocky · lippy · mouthy · fresh · flip · saucy · smart-arsed · nervy · smart-assed · malapert · contumelious · presumptive · assumptive

  

Oh' Yeah!…   BATTLE STATIONS   !… "rig for heavy weather"… expect combat operations to commence at 19:00 hundred hours the evening of the 3rd…

I am so far up a tree, that "Jerry Clowers" coon dog couldn't get me down !

So, me and "Q" have been separated for ten months, I've not discussed ANY of this with my mother, in fact, I stopped "reaching out" to her a decade and a half ago… wow, the stories I could tell… I got played for a very long time, a very long time… but I finally woke up, and realized what she was, and whom she is… so I went gray rock… I was nice, but I erected firm, and razor wire (~concertina~) boundaries… and back then, I didn't even understand what boundaries even were   

I could tell you fine and wonderful folks stories that would make you go "huh, & what the ____ "…

… yeah,

… anyways, her broom, er... flight arrives at 19:00 on Thursday evening, and she departs the following Monday at "noon'ish"…

She was going to have my half sister drive her up, its over 600 miles… but I suggested her to fly… I said, "let me buy you a ticket, and you spring for a rental car"… thusly "I" controlled the arrival and departure times… she usually tried (try's) to stay TEN daze… yeeesh!

Dear old mother is now seventy seven, and is about a hundred pounds soaking wet… but her mind… her personality… her character… "watch out " !

A few NOTAMS… mother never married my biological father, matter of fact, he tossed her five Benjamin's to "get rid of it"… she actually told me this back in 1990, on a long distance phone call from Okinawa Japan… yeah… when I was "born", my Grandparents adopted me… long long story… "mother" has been married three, maybe four times, we ain't quite sure about #3… hmmm, anyways… yeah'

My wife, "Q"… udxbpd… loathes mother… hates her… like diesel fuel and water mixing… Lord, the k-r-a-p and drama over the last ten years… undx wife used to "threaten" me, when "mother" asked to visit, no fun… lots of bpd stuff… "triangularization"...

Anyways… I'm "pre-flighting"… "self briefing"… studying my "NATOPS" mental checklists… so that I can survive four point five days with "mother"…

… yeah, its going to be easy right, I'm a smart and learn'ed "non" now  … no longer an easy mark, to be manipulated, controlled… etc' etc' etc'…

*My mother and I don't talk, we barely email, I know better than to get "sucked" into her never rending chaos and drama now… she has been pretty much ostracized by her two surviving older sisters now… whom are both beyond eighty now… wow,

So, as I look down the pre-flight checklist, and I check my ordnance load  … what do I see…
*boundaries boundaries boundaries
*off limits is off limits
*no means no
*be nice, but be firm
*"I don't want to talk about that"
*"I suggest we do this instead"
*I'm sorry you feel that wat"
*"that's an interesting opinion"
*"I don't think that is a good idea"
*"no, I don't want to go"
*"have a good time, enjoy your grandchildren"
*"please bring me the bill, I'll pay for this"
*"no, that's not a conversation we need to have"
*"please don't mention that persons name in this house"

Thoughts… comments and your own "mother" stories are welcomed.

… its only four little ole' daze… what could happen… her security clearance was revoked years and years ago… hmmm… she's just a little old lady now right…

Red5

[Red5]

Yes, its been two years… but I guess it won't hurt, ugh.

I don't talk much here about my own mother… its a long story, and a deep rabbit hole, well, more like a "black hole".

Probably the "source" (yeah) of a lot of my own issues… yeeesh, where to start…

So, SITREP as follows…

Me and ubpdw have been separated now for ten months, happy new physical year btw  … for all you "bean counters" out there  

Dear old mother ain't been up here to visit since oh' sixteen…

Dear old mother is very toxic… again, its a long story, and a deep rabbit hole, well, more like a "black hole".

I used to refer to mother as "the destroyer of worlds" … yeah,

For her whole life, the rest of my Foo (tribe) has called her "aunt sassy"…

… "sassy"

[ˈsasē] - ADJECTIVE… lively, bold, and full of spirit; cheeky - "Alice was smart and sassy and liked to pretend she was a hard nut"…

synonyms: impudent · impertinent · insolent · presumptuous · forward · pert · bold · bold as brass · brazen · brazen-faced · shameless · audacious · overfamiliar · irreverent · discourteous · disrespectful · insubordinate · impolite · bad-mannered · ill-mannered · unmannerly · mannerless · rude · insulting · brass-necked · cocky · lippy · mouthy · fresh · flip · saucy · smart-arsed · nervy · smart-assed · malapert · contumelious · presumptive · assumptive

  

Oh' Yeah!…   BATTLE STATIONS   !… "rig for heavy weather"… expect combat operations to commence at 19:00 hundred hours the evening of the 3rd…

I am so far up a tree, that "Jerry Clowers" coon dog couldn't get me down !

So, me and "Q" have been separated for ten months, I've not discussed ANY of this with my mother, in fact, I stopped "reaching out" to her a decade and a half ago… wow, the stories I could tell… I got played for a very long time, a very long time… but I finally woke up, and realized what she was, and whom she is… so I went gray rock… I was nice, but I erected firm, and razor wire (~concertina~) boundaries… and back then, I didn't even understand what boundaries even were   

I could tell you fine and wonderful folks stories that would make you go "huh, & what the ____ "…

… yeah,

… anyways, her broom, er... flight arrives at 19:00 on Thursday evening, and she departs the following Monday at "noon'ish"…

She was going to have my half sister drive her up, its over 600 miles… but I suggested her to fly… I said, "let me buy you a ticket, and you spring for a rental car"… thusly "I" controlled the arrival and departure times… she usually tried (try's) to stay TEN daze… yeeesh!

Dear old mother is now seventy seven, and is about a hundred pounds soaking wet… but her mind… her personality… her character… "watch out " !

A few NOTAMS… mother never married my biological father, matter of fact, he tossed her five Benjamin's to "get rid of it"… she actually told me this back in 1990, on a long distance phone call from Okinawa Japan… yeah… when I was "born", my Grandparents adopted me… long long story… "mother" has been married three, maybe four times, we ain't quite sure about #3… hmmm, anyways… yeah'

My wife, "Q"… udxbpd… loathes mother… hates her… like diesel fuel and water mixing… Lord, the k-r-a-p and drama over the last ten years… undx wife used to "threaten" me, when "mother" asked to visit, no fun… lots of bpd stuff… "triangularization"...

Anyways… I'm "pre-flighting"… "self briefing"… studying my "NATOPS" mental checklists… so that I can survive four point five days with "mother"…

… yeah, its going to be easy right, I'm a smart and learn'ed "non" now  … no longer an easy mark, to be manipulated, controlled… etc' etc' etc'…

*My mother and I don't talk, we barely email, I know better than to get "sucked" into her never rending chaos and drama now… she has been pretty much ostracized by her two surviving older sisters now… whom are both beyond eighty now… wow,

So, as I look down the pre-flight checklist, and I check my ordnance load  … what do I see…
*boundaries boundaries boundaries
*off limits is off limits
*no means no
*be nice, but be firm
*"I don't want to talk about that"
*"I suggest we do this instead"
*I'm sorry you feel that wat"
*"that's an interesting opinion"
*"I don't think that is a good idea"
*"no, I don't want to go"
*"have a good time, enjoy your grandchildren"
*"please bring me the bill, I'll pay for this"
*"no, that's not a conversation we need to have"
*"please don't mention that persons name in this house"

Thoughts… comments and your own "mother" stories are welcomed.

… its only four little ole' daze… what could happen… her security clearance was revoked years and years ago… hmmm… she's just a little old lady now right…

Red5

[zachira]

My heart hurts learning that your extremely difficult mother is coming to visit. Just wondering how your mother behaves in front of people she is not so close to. My mother with BPD was always extremely charming and nice in front of people other than her children. I protected myself by inviting outsiders to be around as much as possible when mom was around. Do you think this might work with your mother?

[formflier]

Good phrases.

Add..."I need to get back to xyz..."  (then stay on the new subject)

Best,

FF

[Cat Familiar]

I moved my mother several hundred miles to be closer to me. Why? My dad had passed away and when I flew to see him for the last time, I realized that my mother had dementia and was in no condition to be living on her own.

Nevertheless, she still packed a wallop with her words, though I learned to turn off my emotional response to them.

What I couldn't change were some of her behaviors for which I had to fix the consequences.

I bought her a house in a gated community, one mile away from the grocery store. For a while she could still drive, but then I started noticing unexplained dents in the car so I contacted the DMV and asked them to have her take a driving test. She knew she couldn't pass that, so I was able to extract the car from her in a graceful way.

She patrolled the unfenced boundaries of her property. CC&Rs didn't allow internal fencing. One of her neighbors was re-landscaping her yard. (My mom's property was at an angle to some of the other neighbors; hence, there were four properties that were adjacent to her's.) When my mother saw a tree in a 15 gallon nursery pot, she took it, claiming it was hers because it was on her property. It wasn't. My mother called me and told me that the police were looking for me. A disconcerting statement to hear on the phone. She wouldn't tell me more until I came over.

When I arrived, I found a business card and called the officer. I went over to the neighbor and apologized profusely and explained my mother's dementia, which she already understood.

There were many other incidents which were quite amusing--more in retrospect than at the time. The capper was when the bus driver for the senior center called me and told me that while driving on the highway (with no places to pull over) my mother had decided to take off all her clothes. 

I could go on...

[once removed]

what is the primary source of conflict between you?

like, for example, what do you foresee/dread happening when she arrives?

[Panda39]

 

Red you're killing me here    Best description ever!

I have the uber critical mom so for me it's about not buying what's she's selling...her opinion is her opinion I don't have to believe it.

Also as a side note, you might get a couple hours peace if you take your mom to the movies    Downton Abbey?   Netfix and chill?  All eight seasons of Game of Thrones?

Panda39

[formflier]

I'm still getting used to my new relationship with my Mom.  Now that Dad has passed away and the estate is complete, I fulfill a very different role.

She is in good health but can be very stubborn about some of her ideas.  She will announce a bill needs to be paid and the bill is always $300, so that's what she is going to pay again.

Reality, the bill is much less, she has always paid $300 but that is very different than her actually owing $300...and becomes very irrational when trying to show her the actual bill.

She is "worried" she will mess up some of the bills, but she doesn't want me to handle all of them (I do most), so the ones she keeps get done kinda oddly. 

It takes effort for me to focus on the relationship and not "being right" about the bill. 

She has plenty of grandkids to keep her busy.

Red5..how about doing some weird and different.  Get her out of her element.

Then...do some research about something 25 years ago (umm ..some current event at that time)  Then start asking her specific questions about how it impacted her or her opinion.

Instead of "battle stations"...call in force recon (or heaven forbid call some army green berets).  Guerilla warfare is what you need..

Best,

FF

[Cat Familiar]

You might be surprised Red, when the buttons she used to push no longer yield the automatic response. And she will be surprised too when she can’t trigger you.

[Notwendy]

her broom, er... flight arrives at 19:00


I've used the same analogy when hearing BPD mom wants to visit.

I prefer to visit her. It gives me some sense of control- after all, if I went there, I can also leave. At her age it's also easier on her.

However, a while back she did visit and I panicked. Although I felt I could manage her for a short while, I have no control over whether she will leave or not. When she and Dad used to visit they'd take their time, say "we will leave when we want to". I surely didn't want to tell my parents to leave but I can only take so much of BPD mom.

So I much prefer to have control over how long a visit is.

I totally get your analogy! Hope the visit is relatively smooth.

[Red5]

... she will be here in about 45 minutes... I’m really “up a tree” here... she called from the airport, she is already starting the “hearing aid game”... issues with the rental car reservation...

... yeeesh & sigh ; (

Got a red-line IRAC in my mental checklist... acronym “SET”... stands for STOP-Edit-Talk... going to try my best to not let her “pry” into what has happened here during the last ten months...

... been listening to “Les Carter” all week... honing my abilities to deal with “dear old mum”...

Wish me luck y’all... just three days, and tonight, then she leaves... “return trip”...

Ugh... Red5

[formflier]

You've got this!

FF

[Notwendy]

Hang in there!

It helps me to have some time to myself. Although it's not easy with her there, take some time to yourself to manage the situation. If you need to "run an errand" that "errand" can be sitting in a coffee shop for a few minutes before you run the errand. For me, my BPD mother is high need, and I need some time to get composed. This can be triggering to her if someone isn't available to her. We kids manage by taking walks, coffee breaks, going to the store for something ( and staying a bit longer).

She needs a lot of control. I've been on errands where she calls every 5 minutes ( where are you? ). Simply tell her you don't use your phone while driving. Maybe you are sitting in a restaurant to get a quick bite, but she knows the phone is off.

I am generally an honest person, but these few moments to myself can make visits more tolerable. If they were more frequent, then working on boundaries would be a better option, but she's not going to change in a few days- so it's just about doing the best I can in that time and keeping the visit as free of drama and arguments as possible.

[Skip]

happy new physical year btw   … for all you "bean counters" out there   

You celebrate the governments fiscal year opening? 

So, me and "Q" have been separated for ten months, I've not discussed ANY of this with my mother

What are you going to tell her? What are you telling yourself about this now?

[formflier]

Red 5

How is it going so far?

Best,

FF

[AskingWhy]

Red, I am so sorry about this.  Please update.  

As many of here know, having a toxic parent predisposes us to choose the partners we do.  My own M was likely uBPD, and my F an enabler.  You are well aware of how FOO plays into this.

Many, many hugs coming your way.  

[Red5]

99'

...ok, she is on her way to the airport now… I feel completely emotionally drained, but I am otherwise in good shape, "moving under my own steam"… whew, wow…

Nothing happened that I am not used to, even after almost three years, and almost NC ~> grey rock… she is STILL to the right on the spectrum… what do we see-say here  "do they change with age" over time, when they-as get older… well I'm here to tell you NO they don't'… no, in the case of mum, she is now seventy eight...

I liken this weekend to having to go back to one of those Marine Corps leadership schools, which they sent us to every time we got promoted past the NCO, into the SNCO ranks… even as a Gunnery Sergeant with five hashmarks… you "go back to school"… and its a "young mans game"… you run, hump, and do all the "grunt stuff", day and night land navigation out in the swamps around Camp Lejeune… do all kinds of "scholarly things"… write "white" papers, creating  and giving briefs at the "STAFF" level… battalion, and regimental drill, with a sword… disassemble, reassemble and fire all the crew served weapons… learn infantry tactics, warfighter communications - doctrines etc etc… and also inspection after inspection after inspection… but at the backside of age forty, I remember the "PT" was especially challenging… running eight miles in "boots & uts" with an M-16 at "port arms"… obstacle course… combat fitness test… run run run… but it was fun, but hard on the old body… and it was time away from the squadron… that barracks smelled like absorbine junior each night, … but I knew each time what was coming, there were no surprises… all I had to do, was to prepare myself, mentally and physically,

Same with mum's visit you see… I know (knew) what is coming, how she would - will be, whom she is, even at seventy eight… but I had to prepare myself, mentally for her to be in my home, close quarters… she certainly has not changed at all, only now she is much older, frail even… and she loves the "victimhood" persona… which I was on to years ago now… and I now have several "empathetic" tools to deal with her when she goes into that "modus operandi"…

She of course tried out all her tried and true manipulations, and I was onto her in a second… I know how she operates… took me years, decades to get to this point… she tried a little control here and there, and I handled it each time… I wasn't mean, or belittling, I just took the "man on the street"  approach each time, devoid of any "emotion"… I used the word "no"… and I got the bottom lip, frown face each time… but I stuck to it…

I'll come back and write more later, as I'm at work now… thank you all for your responses… she was true to form… but I am not the same person I was twenty + years ago anymore… I'm older too now… not the "twelve" year old she seems to still think she can manipulate…

This morning… I do feel like I just walked out of the swamps around the "New River" there by "Verona Loop" training areas down on good ole' Camp Lejeune… "its just after midnight, we are soaked muddy, skeeter bit… tired/exhausted, but we found all our grid points, and we passed the test, rights of passage once again, a check in the block for night land navigation once again" : )

Yes, she really tried to push buttons… and even felt combatable doing so, in the company of my D26, and S29… amazing… I saw it all, the behaviors…

Red5

[Cat Familiar]

Whew! You survived 

Have you spoken with your kids about Grandma yet? I’d be curious what they’d say.

[formflier]

Glad this storm has passed!

Can you give an example of button pushing in the presence of your kids and how you responded?

Best,

FF

[Stillhopeful4]

Red,

Glad to hear you survived!  You were killing me with the BROOM...

SH4

[Red5]

Whew! You survived  

Have you spoken with your kids about Grandma yet? I’d be curious what they’d say.

… after what they both saw, I am talking about my two younger ones, D26, and S29… what they saw and experienced during the divorce aftermath of the first marriage, their mother, I think that made them both very wise.

My D26 is a very empathetic soul, as is her older brother (S29)… she said to me, before "Grams" showed up, she said "thanks for taking care of Grandma dad"… my S29 is also a very empathetic, and care free soul, they both see her as a "senior", and quite harmless if there are boundaries… "Grams" has done many things over the last thirteen years, to garner some forms of control / manipulations towards both of them… that are quite "out of the orbit of normal"… I'll provide  short list;

*Grams offered to "finance" my D26 (she was about 15-16 at the time), a move to southern Florida for "school"… far away from Foo… thus completely undermining my efforts as a single dad, made me think of the "woodsman, and his wife"… leaving the children out in the woods for the witch to catch… yeah,

*Grams actually moved my ex wife, her "man", and their child into her home for about 6-8 months back in 2010-11… "to help her out" this greatly angered my S29, whom was about 21 then… he was especially "hurt" by his mother (myX) abandoning them (me) back in 2006.

*Grams tried to get my S29 to move back home and live with her back in 2007, shortly after we moved up here to North Carolina… again, a control - manipulation undermining thing…

*When my D26 graduated from high school, back in 2011, Grams rented a condo here on the beach, and invited my exW, her "man" to stay with her to see "A" walk & graduate… she even invited us all over for "supper", I declined… S29 was very confused, and angry about this…

*To make things better, "Grams" gave my S29, the sum of 15k cash… just handed it to him… I had to step in, and explain to him what she was doing… he seemed to understand, but he took the $, and put it into a savings account… wow, yes, dear old mum is something else…

These are but a few examples of her meddling, her actions to seemingly overthrow, and countermand my authorities, responsibilities, parental duty as their father… I have a cousin whom once told me, "your mom is a very toxic person, she comes off as wanting to help you, but she only wants to control you, and as well ""take your kids away"" "… wow, yeah, I can see her doing this all the time…

Mum has utterly ruined my half sisters life, and the lives of her two sons both in their twenties now… both by different dads… mum is always "bringing home strays"… eg' troubled young men, boys… she has been doing it for years…

And then she complains when these strays wreck her vehicle, trashed her home, and spend all her $… she obviously has a "hole" in her soul… she has all her life… her own two surviving sisters wont even talk to her now… both in the late seventies, early eighties…

I could write volumes about all the k-r-a-z-y stuff she has pulled over the decades… wow ; (

Yes, I think both my younger ones, understand their grandmother now, and they understand how if they were to let her, she would "take over", and destroy, that's what she does.

The last time she was here, she also "flew" I bought the ticket (my means of control)… I remember I took her to the airport, and as she was boarding, she turns around to me… and she has the "look" … and she says, "you know I've been giving (my) D26 $"…

You see… this is what she does… she cannot stand to see my children, or anyone else's for that matter, being independent, and self sufficient, making it own their own… this is what I think, and she wastes no time undermining this… and at every turn… she knew that this would make me angry, but she couldn't help herself… she is an anarchist at heart I think… seen this type of behavior many times over her over the years and years… spanning decades,

She said several things over dinner both Saturday, and Sunday… that were aimed squarely right at me… but I ignored it… she cant stand the fact that I'm independent, yeah at fifty three, I don't need my mum, that absolutely kills her… she has got to have that switch to flip… control control control…

She was complaining about my half sisters son, his GF, and some other young man she has living with her now…, and also my half sisters other son, whom has "borrowed her car", and "barrowed her truck", and then they sold the truck (?), and bought another vehicle, she said "I have no car"… yeah … ok mum… she is like an arsonist, that sets her own house on fire, and then complains that her living room furniture is on fire…

I've loaned her $ over the years, tried to council her, offer my support at the many times others have "taken advantage of her"… all self inflicted … then one day, I "wised up"… no more, now I just listen…

She said, "that young man is like my own son" ()… "I put him through school, just as I would have my own son"… but WAIT! … she never "put me through school"… what?… no, I joined the Marine Corps, that was my "out"… I escaped her control many years ago… … "as I would my own son"… she actually said that yesterday at my dinning room table… I just let it go… she is an old woman now…

Did I mention that I was raised by my grandparents, not her… hmmm,

Yes, it was a very stressful weekend, but I showed her hospitality, and we went to Church yesterday, she got to see her grandchildren… but her mind is still a fantasy land of rainbows, pots of gold, and unicorns… watch out !  …

Yeah, my two younger adult children know, and they do love her, she is their only surviving grandparent now… but they are very careful around her… my autistic son, is another matter all together… I "supervise"… she tried the ole'… "me and "J" are going to go to Wal-Mart for a while"… I said no, we will all go together in a little while, what is it you need?"… no response, only bottom lip, and frowny face… like a teenager caught sneaking out the house…

Then she wanted to cook a three course meal, I said, "I am going to cook us all some supper later on, why don't you just relax, and spend time with your grandchildren"…

Mum is very much the "tactician"… create a large hubalou, and then "out flank you"… she loves to "disappear"… and go radio silent… and that's not going to happen with my S33(a)…

Lots of historical rewrites… I just ignored it all… non of these incidents were worth landing a platoon of Marines over… and taking the beach, the hill, the town, the airstrip… nope, I just "let it go" ~~~> 

Long weekend… I need a hot "halt" salt bath, and a mason jar of wine tonight… yeah!

 … good for another year…

As far as my situation, separation… it was not spoken of… period.

The above list, most of that happened the first few years that me and ubpd wife were married, so lots of drama, damage, and "fun times" ensued resultant… as though mum did it all on purpose to cause problems… sabotage… yeah ; (

Red5

[AskingWhy]

Wow, Red.  Just, wow!   

The hardest thing in adulthood, perhaps, is to face up to one's FOO and its dysfunction, and to look back and see how all of our experiences and choices led us to the present time.  Relationships, marriages, career choices and everything else. 

I am so sorry about your M and what she has done to your family, but also to you.

I am still suffering from the effects of a toxic childhood, and uBPD parent.  I survived emotional and physical abuse at the hands of this parent, and here I am and in my 60s just starting to unravel my emotions. 

In retrospect, this parent, as my uBPD H, is the perceived victim.  Everyone else has/is the problem.  Even in death, the aftereffects of a toxic parent can linger on and affect our lives.

I look at what a mess my H's FOO is, a disaster of morals and normal conduct, devoid of common sense, and I feel sorry for him at times.  Then I look at the verbal and emotional abuse he has perpetrated against me, and that sense of pity is put aside.  He's a grown man, after all.  The only time he has empathy is for his children and their children.  They are extensions of himself

Be strong, Red.  You know what BPD is and how all the pieces of the puzzle add up in time.  What you do, however, is your choice.  Your eyes are now open, and you are much wiser now.

[Red5]

The hardest thing in adulthood, perhaps, is to face up to one's FOO and its dysfunction, and to look back and see how all of our experiences and choices led us to the present time.  Relationships, marriages, career choices and everything else.  

I am still suffering from the effects of a toxic childhood, and uBPD parent .… and here I am and in my 60s just starting to unravel my emotions.  

… you know what BPD is and how all the pieces of the puzzle add up in time.  

*What you do, however, is your choice.  Your eyes are now open, and you are much wiser now.

I now understand how the past, can affect the future… took a long time, decades to grasp this.

I was taken and raised by my Grandparents from age zero (0) to about age seven… then mum married, had a daughter, and moved us with her new H back to his home in Texas (1973), he had just gotten out of the Navy… I was in the first grade when we got to Texas… a dusty BFE town named Eola TX, we moved several times, in the five years, Eden TX, and San Angelo TX… only to have the marriage explode at year five (grade 5), and she returned to Florida (long story)… about 1978… and I went back to living pretty much full time with Granny and Grampa, I went to school, and worked in the sawmill... until I graduated from high school, got my girlfriend pregnant, married her… and joined up in the Marines, all this in about a six year period of time.

I think… the "formative years"… are oh' so crucial… being from an infant, to about age six… that's when the cast is set… so thank God for Granny and Grampa, you only get one shot at this...

I remember being beaten like a "rented mule" by this man my mum had married, I can still remember each time I was beaten… now I do believe in disciplining a child, but to have the child lay down on a bed, and then be beaten with a leather belt, or a strip of pine… I'm talking "Mutiny on the Bounty" beatings… yeah… until there are welts, and bruises, broken skin… uh, no… that's torture, that is abuse… and its not right, if you did that to an adult, you would be charged with assault, even the Drill Instructors down on Parris island aren't allowed to beat recruits in this manner…

Anyways… the five years in Texas, age 7-12 did not kill me, but it may have surely effected me… the "step-dad" thing will always be in my psyche… I did not "beat" my own children, I did swat them on their butts a few times while they were growing up… but I never did to them what was done to me… and my Grandfather never did this to me either… and he and Granny raised eight children, including mum…

Old age… mum is 78 now, she looks very old and frail to me… its not a far stretch to understand that her years are growing short, she is in the 'fall' season of her life now… I often think to myself… what will be my frame of mind once she passes… it is the fall season of life of many of my closest Foo relatives now, we've lost an Aunt, and a first cousin already, not to mention the Seniors are now all gone onto Glory… Granny & Grampa have been gone now for about nineteen years (1997 & 2001), but I still think of them everyday… will I think of my mum in this way… or God forgive me, will I sigh in private and hidden relief that's she is gone onto to the Good Lord, and I don't have to "maintain" the mirage a relationship with her any longer…

I know that once she passes, her other child, my half sister, and this half sisters two sons will remain, but there will be nothing to go back to; to Florida for anymore… in fact, the whole crew down there still is very attached to mum, and I mean $ support… its never ending, and she has enabled this, for years… whom will they turn to for "help / attachment" when mum passes… me?

no...

These ties will slowly die off, as more and more of the immediate Foo pass on, as most of the Aunts and Uncles are now pushing and beyond eighty in years… once the Seniors are gone to be with the Lord, I doubt that any of the cousins will remain close, too many miles, too many differences in life styles…  

On my ex W's side, they are all dead now except her (deceased) half sisters two daughters… that's it… the older one has two children of her own now, the exW has now moved back to Florida, and from what I can surmise, is pretty much lost her mind, she seems to be slipping into some kind of ____ , I don't know how to better describe it… too much drug use, over too long a time… my S29 says he doesn't want anything to do with her now… my D26 try's to maintain contact with her… my S33(a) is another matter entirely…

"Q", my ubpdw, both her two adult children still maintain a relationship with me, even though their mother and I are separated… their own father is dead also, that branch of the Foo is also gone radio silent… you see, their father was adopted as an infant… so after they divorced... there is now no real "blood" connections on that side any longer (years and years now of complete radio silence)...

On "Q's" parental side, her mum is now also about 76-77, and has now buried two husbands, the paternal grandfather, "Q's" own father being one… and she has two surviving sisters, and there are a few grandchildren from S#1… but none are close to "Q's" two adult children… the health of S#1, and her H is also bad… S#2 never had any kids, and her H is pretty much a "ne'er-do-well " type personality…

I'm it… and I will continue to be there for her two adult children… as long as "Q's" two adult children desire a relationship with me, and my three kids.

There is a deep rabbit hole story here… maybe later,

Yes, old age… and death, it is the ultimate equalizer, and "settler" of all family and relationship issues… and those of us whom are left behind, well we must learn, and retain what we've learned, and try our best to live out what time we have left in a good, and constructive way… we must let go of the negative past…

And me… I have two half brothers, and three more half sisters, from my biological fathers family (legacy)… whom all live on the west coast… and we are all close… long story… I met them all when I was sixteen… the oldest half bother, we met at dear old dad's funeral up on the reservation in Browning MT.

… yeah, a long story,

What will happen between "Q" and I (?), we aren't really talking right now, she went silent on me… after she used me for "supply" about three weeks ago… so I don't know, I'm pretty tired of hearing how 'F'ed' up I am… even after ten months… no changes there… and she has this stage iv cancer : (

Life keeps on passing all of us by… the perpetual motion engine of human existence… I often ponder… knowing what I know now… should I myself survive to age sixty and beyond… "what will my life be like in another decade"… yes, I wonder… will I be alone, with my autistic son, and my two other children living close by, perhaps grandchildren of my own by then?

Only time will tell… will I one day be free and clear of emotional mayhem in my life… will it all be in the past one day… will I out live it?

You hang in there AskingWhy,

Kind Regards, Red5

[Cat Familiar]

Are you recovered from her visit? 

[Red5]

Are you recovered from her visit?  

Yeah I am Cat

... it’s a slow and lazy Saturday here, Monday is Columbus Day, and Friday is a “flex” day for us (NAWC/WD)... so I took the “3 for 9”... Tuesday - Wednesday - Thursday as leave days, so I don’t go back to work until a week from Monday... the new fy(20) rolled so we are waiting on all program (PMA’s) funding to come back anyways... so it’s a good time to take leave.  

I emersed myself into work last week, that’s what I usually do to get over an “emotional hangover”... almost as effective as a “bloody marry” and a shot of “Texas Pete” ...

December the 1st will mark the year seperated time... so since ubpdw has gone silent on me, I do wonder what she is thinking, doing...

I haven’t seen her in person since August 3rd, and the least time we spoke (verbal @ss whoopin) was September the 17th... for almost two hours...

“T” asked me yesterday... “Red, if she’s still talking to you like that, why in the world do you even still talk to her?”... “why are you still hanging on to her”... “she’s told you herself that neither of you are changing, and that she would hit him again”... “and that’s projection sounds like to me”...

I dunno, keep waiting I guess... I’ve tried it all, validation, SET... empathy... she’s just as hardheaded, and mean as ever... doesn’t matter if I let her run me over, and take all the blame... she’s still fixated... why, I don’t understand... but yet I do, I’ve read volumes about it now... and I understand that she refuses... to even see anything... no introspection at all... even her two adult children don’t understand... her D34 (my step D&S) has validated everything... her exact words to me a while back... “mom is never going to change, she’s always been like this, mom has to be in control, mom has to win, mom has to have the last word, mom pushes everyone away... mom has to be right all the time... mom doesn’t care who she’s hurt, even me and my brother (S33)... why would you want to go back to that Red... me and S33 love you, and we understand what you’re dealing with”...

... wow...and not the first time I’ve heard this from her or her brother either...

Thoughts on this?

Anyways... “steady as she goes”... lots of chores to do... life goes on,

Thanks for listening,

Red5

[AskingWhy]

“mom is never going to change, she’s always been like this, mom has to be in control, mom has to win, mom has to have the last word, mom pushes everyone away... mom has to be right all the time... mom doesn’t care who she’s hurt, even me and my brother (S33)... why would you want to go back to that Red... me and S33 love you, and we understand what you’re dealing with”...

... wow ...and not the first time I’ve heard this from her or her brother either ...
 

Your D seems to have a clear perspective on her own mother, and your children see the truth.  Your D and S love you.  She also loves her mother but knows who she is without being clouded with filters.

Part of facing up to having a BPD spouse is accepting who they are, assessing if they can change, but knowing the ultimate truth.

In my own marriage, a lot of anger I feel is wanting my uBPD H to change. I have to let go of that dream and it's hard to do.  His entire family (MIL, FIL, children and X W) are all disordered (NPD and BPD, and also Histrionic) and they all reinforce unhealthy thinking and behaviour.