Does your BPD SO get hung up on "words"?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Good morning,

I had an indecent last night that got me thinking about "words".  I have two examples I would like your feedback/opinions on.

Last night while texting me uBPD W (she moved out a month ago).  We were talking about her job...and a few weeks back she told me her boss had her attend an event and sit with a new person in senior management because her boss thought it would be good for my W to start to get tot know this person and get in her good graces (or something along those lines).  So last night while we were texting that person came up and I said "isn't that the person you told about that your boss wanted you to rub elbows with at xyz event."  She kinda went a little off...she was like "NO... I WOULD NEVER USE THOSE WORDS...why would I rub elbows with anyone?"  I just sat there looking at my phone like...what is she really getting mad at me over word choice?  I just said oh sorry I must have misunderstood, then she went silent.

It brings me back to many times in our marriage... she's big on saying things like "It doesn't matter"...like all the time...where do you want to eat...it doesn't matter...do you want me to make yo a cup of coffee...it doesn't matter...do you want to go on vacation...it doesn't matter...etc etc.  So one of the things I say, when something really doesn't matter...IE...SH4 do you want me to go the highway or the back roads...my response..."6 of one 1/2 dozen of another".  Whenever, I would say this, she would lose it on me..."I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS...WHY DO YOU ALWAYS SAY THAT...I HATE IT...IT MAKES NO SENSE..."  Needless, to say about 6 months ago I stopped saying it. 

I just don't understand why they get hung up on actual words.  Even doing T's method of repeating back, I thought you were suppose to repeat back the majority of what W says but in your own words.  If I didn't repeat her exact words she would say something like "no you aren't getting it...I didn't say that...you are twisting my words."  Has anyone else experienced this or similar?

Happy Friday...(I hate the weekends now)

SH4

[Stillhopeful4]

Good morning,

I had an indecent last night that got me thinking about "words".  I have two examples I would like your feedback/opinions on.

Last night while texting me uBPD W (she moved out a month ago).  We were talking about her job...and a few weeks back she told me her boss had her attend an event and sit with a new person in senior management because her boss thought it would be good for my W to start to get tot know this person and get in her good graces (or something along those lines).  So last night while we were texting that person came up and I said "isn't that the person you told about that your boss wanted you to rub elbows with at xyz event."  She kinda went a little off...she was like "NO... I WOULD NEVER USE THOSE WORDS...why would I rub elbows with anyone?"  I just sat there looking at my phone like...what is she really getting mad at me over word choice?  I just said oh sorry I must have misunderstood, then she went silent.

It brings me back to many times in our marriage... she's big on saying things like "It doesn't matter"...like all the time...where do you want to eat...it doesn't matter...do you want me to make yo a cup of coffee...it doesn't matter...do you want to go on vacation...it doesn't matter...etc etc.  So one of the things I say, when something really doesn't matter...IE...SH4 do you want me to go the highway or the back roads...my response..."6 of one 1/2 dozen of another".  Whenever, I would say this, she would lose it on me..."I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS...WHY DO YOU ALWAYS SAY THAT...I HATE IT...IT MAKES NO SENSE..."  Needless, to say about 6 months ago I stopped saying it. 

I just don't understand why they get hung up on actual words.  Even doing T's method of repeating back, I thought you were suppose to repeat back the majority of what W says but in your own words.  If I didn't repeat her exact words she would say something like "no you aren't getting it...I didn't say that...you are twisting my words."  Has anyone else experienced this or similar?

Happy Friday...(I hate the weekends now)

SH4

[Birddog]

I get caught up in the word game quite a bit,  can be a minefield. Usually hit it because of lack of understanding or situational awareness. I am learning Heightened Negative Emotional Arousal -> judgements and Inaccurate Expression -> Misunderstanding and Conflict (souce High Conflict Couple).

I think if she hits a situation (new word) your SO  isn’t familiar with, it’s an emotional vulnerability(trigger) that sucks her into this pattern.

Mine has schizotypal traits which take it a step further, false word associations, delusional thoughts, heightened significance to words, but that is an extreme example of how far it can go on the spectrum.

[Ozzie101]

Oh absolutely!

Words have been a big thing with my H in the past. Actually, even emojis -- he used to get annoyed any time anyone sent the thumbs-up sign to him because he never could find it on his phone when texting. It bothered him others could do it and he couldn't.

We had an incident early this year when he was dysregulating over something. He accused me of lecturing him. I said I didn't mean to lecture and I was sorry if it came across that way. So he asked me what the definition of "lecture" is and I gave the best answer I could. He went on for a bit about that, tearing into me for saying "lecture," then said, "So, you shouldn't have used the word 'lecture' should you?" When he had used the word and brought it into the conversation in the first place.

I tend to use idioms. I'm not old, but I spent a lot of time with grandparents growing up and I come from an old-fashioned Southern town so a lot of those just come naturally to me. He gets very annoyed when I use one. "What does that even mean?"

In my case, I think some of it comes from insecurity. I'm a writer by profession and have always had a big vocabulary and basically taught myself to read as a toddler. I think his "you're the word police" stuff comes from an unwarranted feeling of inadequacy.

And my H is big on the "it doesn't matter" thing. He used to say "I'm indifferent." Now it's more of "whatever" or "I don't care." Then, when I make a choice, often he gets sullen or passive-aggressive, which is infuriating.

[Stillhopeful4]

And my H is big on the "it doesn't matter" thing. He used to say "I'm indifferent." Now it's more of "whatever" or "I don't care." Then, when I make a choice, often he gets sullen or passive-aggressive, which is infuriating.

I can TOTALLY relate...ughhhhh!

[sabas]

That definitely happens to me too. They say "whatever" or "FINE" or "I don't care" and so it's ostensibly up to you to pick but you know you're going to pick wrong and they won't actually say anything, just seethe in anger and passive aggression. Ooof.

[isilme]

I think his "you're the word police" stuff comes from an unwarranted feeling of inadequacy.

I have three issues - I have a large vocabulary and use words people don't know, and I often suffer from brain fog - my brain will "lose" words sometimes due to inflammation and fatigue.  Add to this I speak in long clauses to be clear, and when I pause for a comma (breath( he jumps in and attacks and gaslights my half-formed phrase and never lets me get the whole thought out.  If he did, much of the argument would enver have happened. 

So, when speaking freely, I sometimes use an archaic word, or one people don't know.  H gets irritated at this, and the "I don't know what you mean" "Never use that word again comes up.  He also just gets irritated with certain words.  Wonky - I'm not supposed to use that one.  Funky. 

Other problems come when I am tired, have a migraine, and words run away.  I go from being loquacious to See Jane Run, and even invert things.  So I will know the word I'm using isn't the best, but there is a big blank spot where that word is hiding.  He usually doesn't jump on me at these times, it's pretty obvious I can't talk much, or well.

The last one, having to pause to breathe is the biggest issue.  He hears 1/4 or 1/2 of what I am trying to communicate and then jumps in, and it goes on for hours with him "lecturing me" about how I'm stupid, lying, need to mean what I say... it's horrible. 

[once removed]

likewise, dont get hung up on the words 

.IE...SH4 do you want me to go the highway or the back roads...my response..."6 of one 1/2 dozen of another".  Whenever, I would say this, she would lose it on me..."I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS...WHY DO YOU ALWAYS SAY THAT...I HATE IT...IT MAKES NO SENSE..."  Needless, to say about 6 months ago I stopped saying it. 

couples fight over these things.

some of them seem like charming quirks at first and then drive us nuts.

my dad was the king of stupid sayings. they drove both me and my mom crazy.

i learned "dont cut your nose off to spite your face" from the time i was old enough to remember. if you were frustrated with electronics, like a video game system or a television "be smarter than the machine" (the irony being he was famously frustrated with machines). "scrape out the goody" (the bottom of a can).

now that im older i probably repeat half of them 

couples also famously fight over what to eat, where to go.

Needless, to say about 6 months ago I stopped saying it. 

the quirks of romantic partners can either endear us to them or drive us nuts, or both. people with bpd traits famously over react.

if your partner tells you something drives her nuts, shes probably venting or caught up in the moment, you dont need to live in fear over saying the wrong word, but hey, its not a bad idea to find another phrase either. and if someone tells you they dont care where you go to eat, decide for them. win/win

[Stillhopeful4]

and if someone tells you they dont care where you go to eat, decide for them. win/win

Not really for example:
 Me: where would you like to go eat?
Her: I don't care...
Me:  Do you have any preferences..Italian, Chinese?
Her: It doesn't matter
Me: Anything you aren't in the mood for?
Her: SH4 will you just pick a place
ME: Ok we are going to XYZ
Her: Anywhere but XYZ

UGHHHHH it's like she does it on purpose...

[Ozzie101]

I know what you mean. My H doesn't nix an idea after I give it, but if I make the "wrong" choice, I'll hear about it for a while after. Extreme criticism of the food or the service at a restaurant. Comments like, "I know you like X but it's just not my thing." (This just a day or two after telling me how much he likes X and that it's his favorite.)

It's exhausting trying to keep up with it. So, I've basically stopped trying. When he's in that kind of mood (and I can usually tell), and it's up to me to make the decision, I make it. It's not easy. I got used to practically living and dying by his moods and his wants/needs/likes. Now, I work hard to not let it bother me. If he doesn't like it, well, he's a grown man. He can make his opinion known before the choice is made -- or go get what he wants if he's unhappy after the fact.

I'm no expert at it. But I'm trying to let that go. It's just how he is. I don't want to let him ruin my own meal or to worry myself into a stomach ache over it.

[Stillhopeful4]

I'm no expert at it. But I'm trying to let that go. It's just how he is. I don't want to let him ruin my own meal or to worry myself into a stomach ache over it.

I was trying to let it go too.  But it would happen every time.  I would finally have to pick a place I didn't want to go to because I knew she would say she didn't want to go there, so we could go to the place I really wanted to go.  So not me to do that.  Not at all.

[Amethyste]

Not really for example:
 Me: where would you like to go eat?
Her: I don't care...
Me:  Do you have any preferences..Italian, Chinese?
Her: It doesn't matter
Me: Anything you aren't in the mood for?
Her: SH4 will you just pick a place
ME: Ok we are going to XYZ
Her: Anywhere but XYZ

UGHHHHH it's like she does it on purpose...

.

Im not expert but what would be best to do is to tell her she has to chose a place herself since you gave that xyz and she doesn't like it. She needs to take responsibility. That behaviour grosses me out. My BPD mom used to do that and after a while whenever she did act that way I'd tell her to chose the place herself or we aren't going anywhere. And then she would start to communicate better and make efforts. They aren't children.

[Im Empty]

My uBPDw has similar issues.  I said "peel me a grape."  Once. 

[MidLifCrysis1]

I can not count the number of times that I have cursed myself for NOT maintaining a list of UNsafe words/phrases. There are some that it isn't even possible to conceive of a reason for a negative reaction (be that hurt, attack, insult, or what have you). BPs are genius at seeing/hearing injury in any circumstance.

A recent theory of mine...

The Subconcious Words of Montressor (E.A.Poe BPD character)
“The thousand injuries of Fortunato I had borne as I best could, but when he ventured upon insult I vowed revenge. You, who so well know the nature of my soul, will not suppose, however, that gave utterance to a threat. At length I would be avenged; this was a point definitely, settled --but the very definitiveness with which it was resolved precluded the idea of risk. I must not only punish but punish with impunity. A wrong is unredressed when retribution overtakes its redresser. It is equally unredressed when the avenger fails to make himself felt as such to him who has done the wrong.”
― Edgar Allan Poe, The Cask of Amontillado

[howinthe]

exactly, more recently, she's convinced I'm speaking in a code to someone or something.
one time she decided I had a blinking code with a waitress at a restaurant. These ideas get out of hand unbelievable fast.
Or the other oddity is I have planned a series of events,
For example, we were in a crowd and a teenager accidental bumped into me and I tripped and bumped into the lady in front of me, My wife determined I paid the kid to bump me so I could touch the lady in front of me.  It's gotten to the point I dread going anywhere in public because of what I will be accused of. 

[Chosen]

Yes, words can be a huuuuuge trigger.  In the past, I would think that the written word would be better (like, I can read it over before sending it, etc.), but he would dissect my emails and texts and bring those things up over and over again, interpreting them in whatever way he fancies.  So I stopped with the detailed emails & texts.  Still, he would twist my words and use them against me, but I guess one less channel to do so now. 

One other observation on repeating their words: that also can be a huge trigger, because I find that my uBPDh often uses very strong words which is probably a reflection of his intense emotions.  If I repeat them, however, or if I use words which are equally strong, it would be like adding fuel to the fire.  Don't know if that's the case for everybody though, that's just my personal experience.

[Stillhopeful4]

Yes, words can be a huuuuuge trigger.  In the past, I would think that the written word would be better (like, I can read it over before sending it, etc.), but he would dissect my emails and texts and bring those things up over and over again, interpreting them in whatever way he fancies.  So I stopped with the detailed emails & texts.  Still, he would twist my words and use them against me, but I guess one less channel to do so now. 

I have similar happen, where she saves text messages for YEARS, literally, and claims she goes back to them when she starts to feel close to me to remind her what I said so she can keep her walls up.

One other observation on repeating their words: that also can be a huge trigger, because I find that my uBPDh often uses very strong words which is probably a reflection of his intense emotions.  If I repeat them, however, or if I use words which are equally strong, it would be like adding fuel to the fire.  Don't know if that's the case for everybody though, that's just my personal experience.

Yes, she can swear at me up and down, left right and sideways.  However, if I say one bad word to her, she will keep reminding me over and over and over that I called her that name or I talked to her with disrespect and she "can't live like this."

I feel like I can't win and I definitely can't just be myself.