Co-Parenting: Possible New Job For Me

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I have a good line on a new job,  as in, if I apply, there's a good chance I'll get it.  It's "game of thrones" where I'm at. The pressure is immense. 1/3 of our group is searching. Exorcise the elder staff to get cheaper new college grads who don't know any better. It's a company as recognizable as Intel, but not them. 

I talked to a old colleague from the 90s whom I've kept in touch with.  He grabbed his boss into a conference room to call me.  They are in Oregon, the job is in California. My buddy told me,  "this may be your time to jump." His boss told me that the local job might be up to 50% travel.

My issue is the kids,  7 and 9, in 2nd and 4th grades. Despite the work pressure, I still have flexibility given their school schedules. The commute to the office would be better,  mostly a reverse commute, but the travel... mostly domestic, but some likely international.  I'm at the age that it doesn't appeal to me so much as it would have a decade ago.

I told my ex about a similar opportunity two years ago, with a different company. She said, "the kids would have me!"

3 weeks ago, I hit a bicyclist in my car. He wasn't hurt too badly. I called her to pick up the kids on my night since I wasn't sure how long I'd be detained. She told me later that she took it out on the kids.  "I was going to go jogging.  I wasn't supposed to have you tonight!" She told me she apologized to them.  She told me that her depression gets triggered this time of year and that jogging and being in nature helped. I didn't judge, though I thought, "really? You are always about yourself?"

I told her this past weekend about the job and the travel. Her response was,  "is it more money?"

Wrong answer.  Nothing about the kids and our schedules. Ik told her that it might be a small pay cut (due to my current company having very generous profit sharing), but that isn't the point. 

I'm not sure what to do. In 4-5 years, my son can likely stay home with his little sister. Not over night, but so I don't have to get off early.

I look younger than I am, about to turn 48, but I feel i might be discriminated by age soon. Employers could guess my age by my resume. I started working in the silicon valley when I was 20, so that's even worse.

Moral dilemma...

[Turkish]

I have a good line on a new job,  as in, if I apply, there's a good chance I'll get it.  It's "game of thrones" where I'm at. The pressure is immense. 1/3 of our group is searching. Exorcise the elder staff to get cheaper new college grads who don't know any better. It's a company as recognizable as Intel, but not them. 

I talked to a old colleague from the 90s whom I've kept in touch with.  He grabbed his boss into a conference room to call me.  They are in Oregon, the job is in California. My buddy told me,  "this may be your time to jump." His boss told me that the local job might be up to 50% travel.

My issue is the kids,  7 and 9, in 2nd and 4th grades. Despite the work pressure, I still have flexibility given their school schedules. The commute to the office would be better,  mostly a reverse commute, but the travel... mostly domestic, but some likely international.  I'm at the age that it doesn't appeal to me so much as it would have a decade ago.

I told my ex about a similar opportunity two years ago, with a different company. She said, "the kids would have me!"

3 weeks ago, I hit a bicyclist in my car. He wasn't hurt too badly. I called her to pick up the kids on my night since I wasn't sure how long I'd be detained. She told me later that she took it out on the kids.  "I was going to go jogging.  I wasn't supposed to have you tonight!" She told me she apologized to them.  She told me that her depression gets triggered this time of year and that jogging and being in nature helped. I didn't judge, though I thought, "really? You are always about yourself?"

I told her this past weekend about the job and the travel. Her response was,  "is it more money?"

Wrong answer.  Nothing about the kids and our schedules. Ik told her that it might be a small pay cut (due to my current company having very generous profit sharing), but that isn't the point. 

I'm not sure what to do. In 4-5 years, my son can likely stay home with his little sister. Not over night, but so I don't have to get off early.

I look younger than I am, about to turn 48, but I feel i might be discriminated by age soon. Employers could guess my age by my resume. I started working in the silicon valley when I was 20, so that's even worse.

Moral dilemma...

[Notwendy]

Would there be problems if you apply, interview and then turn it down if it doesn't seem doable with the kids- you don't know the details on the travel - how often, where, how long.

Also, even though you have a high probability of getting the job- you don't have an offer yet. If you apply, you will know whether it is something you will need to consider and you will also know more specific details about it.

There is another option besides leaving the kid with their mother- hiring sitters to stay with them. Yes, this costs more, but if the job is a step up for you or something you really want to do, then you can also look into this option.

The kids' welfare is #1 but if they can be  in the care of a reliable sitter and the travel isn't excessive, and you want this job - why not look into it?

[GaGrl]

I'd pursue it as far as you can, looking into possibilities for childcare along the way.

[ForeverDad]

Different states have varying laws and policies on what they consider appropriate ages for latchkey kids.  As I recall 10 years of age is not unreasonable.  OR and WA minimums are 10, CA is not specified but probably has recommendations.  Of course, the maturity of the children and other factors can also figure into the matter.  Most daycare and after school programs to allow kids up to 12 years of age, at least mine did.

[worriedStepmom]

Yay, tech industry and age discrimination.  I've been very conscious in my decisions the last few years because I know the opportunities will dwindle.  (I actually moved sideways into a related field because I figured 40 was too old for SW development.)  One tip is to modify your resume not to include your first job.  Or leave off dates completely.

In your shoes, I'd interview for the job and ask a LOT of questions.  If you like most of what you hear, see if you can negotiate the rest. It's possible travel could take place when the kids are already with their mom.  It's possible travel could be day trips.  It's possible you could find a part-time nanny for the kids (I wouldn't give them to their mom more).

(My kids are pretty responsible.  At age 10, I let them stay home alone for an hour after school.  At 12, D could watch S9 for several hours.  SD12's ubpdmom still throws a hissy fit if we leave her home alone.)

[kells76]

Good idea from Notwendy -- they can't "force" you to take the job after you interview and are (presumably) chosen. Why not go through the whole process?

And if, as you've mentioned, you are basically a shoe-in for the position... that sounds like leverage to me. My DH was in a similar-ish spot (though different industry) a few years back... great job opening with lots of room for growth. They were taking him on with 0 experience to build a whole new skill set. He was frank with them right off the bat that he could do 3/4 time max with very specific days because of needing to be with the kids. Nobody had any surprises after he was hired and stuck to 3/4 time. After a few years he's been able to put in longer days when we're not w/ kids, and do some weekends & OT, and they are VERY appreciative.

So, an idea is to just be 110% frank about YOUR ideal schedule up front: "I can travel EOW, some Mon-Tue overnights, etc" and put the ball in their court. Like WSM said, if you like what you hear, negotiate to your own advantage on the rest.

[Waddams]

Regardless of other issues - think also about the benefits to your life if you switched jobs? Long term? Is there a "trickle down" impact that would benefit the kids from this change? It might change their schedule, you might need to adjust life based on travel, etc. - but what are the pro's? And is it overall a good career move for you? Is there good growth potential?

It's okay to think in terms of personal gain from this and figure out a way to adapt parenting to it. In some way, when you have a gain job-wise, that will in some way trickle down as a gain for your kids as well.

And stop worrying about their mother thinks beyond can you coordinate the change in life's routine with her to make it work in an acceptable manner for the kids.

[JNChell]

Hey, Turkish. This sounds like it could be exciting for you, but there are some understandable concerns attached to the opportunity as well. You’re already getting great feedback here, so I’ll just touch on a thought that popped into my mind when I put myself in your shoes. It sounds like your ex is already beginning to make this about her. It’s frustrating and exhausting when we try to have a conversation with our ex’s about what’s best for the kids, yet it becomes about them 9/10 of the time. A thought that arose that has me wondering if the traveling that is involved with your potential new position may cause her to, or give her an excuse to, act out more. You know her best, is it possible that “crisis mode” might get ramped up while you’re away on business? A possible extinction burst here and there? I imagine that the kids will be witness to her behaviors should she not be able to handle it well or decide that she can somehow twist it into a way of her getting attention. I’m in no way trying to bring a negative light to this new opportunity that has come to your doorstep, and I agree with everyone else that you should certainly go through the process, check it out and see what you think. I think Kells is right in pointing out that you basically have a lot more leverage to negotiate with. Good luck with this. Interested to hear how this pans out for you.

[Grady]

I agree with the others that you should go for it and find out what the offer really is when you get it.  And it does sound like this opportunity may be just what you need.  As far as the kids, when mine were that age, I used a high school senior to help get them to their activities and stay with them until I could get home.  That could help with day trips and my kids loved it.  Hopefully there won't be too many overnight trips.  But, it's all doable.  And who knows, maybe you will enjoy the traveling more than you anticipate.  Regardless, it's a solid opportunity and it sounds like your current situation isn't great so it's best to leave on your terms.  Good luck.

[Harri]

It's possible you could find a part-time nanny for the kids (I wouldn't give them to their mom more).

I think this is a critical point.  What do you think Turkish?

[Turkish]

I think this is a critical point.  What do you think Turkish?

This wouldn't be cost effective. Silicon Valley Nannies, even in ,y Hood, might be at least $20/hr and I'm not sure moving in a young lass would be proper or feasible.

D7 told me last night that she loves me first, then her mom, turn her brother.  I asked why and she said because she remembers bad things and that Mommy yells at her. She's taking the kids to Legoland (again) tomorrow though Monday. 

I'm doing a pre-demo lunch meeting with that company Monday.  I had talked to my buddy (former co-worker) and his manger on the phone in Oregon about the job on California. The manager might travel down for the demo here though no one here reports to him.  The Oregon facility is Headquarters though.

My old boss, the one who got demoted, said he's been playing me up as the expert for this thing.  The Sr. Manager in charge of the world wide labs seems to have bought into it. If that guy believes it, then our new boss can't mess with me too much. This is a company as recognizable as Intel, and it's sad how cheap they are.  Vendors know this...

I may have caught my ex at a bad time. She did email me her open enrollment summary like I had asked her to do a month ago, in anticipation if I had to change jobs. I'm on the hook for providing health insurance for the kids, per the custody stipulation, counting towards my CS. I had told her that if I changed jobs where we didn't have Kaiser, I might want to pay her to cover them. In retrospect, I shouldn't have said that. Medical is medical.

[formflier]

So..the upside of changing jobs is..?

If they are wanting you do you think you could end up with a raise?

Best,

FF

[Turkish]

My company is generous with profit sharing, 20% the last 3 years. I would likely have a lateral move given my base salary. 

I attended the tool demo for two days this week. The young 38 year old guy doing the demo told me he worked at Intel in Folsom in 2010. I name dropped and his first boss there was the guy I was going to work for in 1996, but declined the job offer in order to transfer to the start up fab in Oregon in the company I was working for.  How differently my life would have gone if I had accepted. 

The manger of my old co-worker came down from Oregon to attend the demo. He's an apps wiz, and another Intel alumnus. Our skills are a niche in the industry. The local site had filled the apps engineer position. The Oregon guy didn't say anything about my interest, nor our phone call.

I could have spent a 3rd day there, and they let me drive the tool the second day, if only in order to get training and advice from world class guys (The one from Oregon certainly is, published, etc.), yet I had to get back to work because I needed output to justify my existence.

A month previously, I had put in to take off Thursday to go on a field trip with my daughter.  Friday, there was an out of town funeral for the husband of a very old friend who shot himself (I knew her, never met him). I would like to have attended. We hung out a lot back in the day.  I felt I had to go into work both days. Technically working doing the demo, I'm still held to account for output.

I'm going to actively look in the spring. I don't work for Intel, but a company as recognizable. Operations is the focus, not expertise. Game of Thrones managememt style. The profit sharing is like a siren's song. Not worth it. My kids are my foremost concern.

[Turkish]

I've been talking to a recruiter for The Big A. It's a year's contracting position, however. 

The upside is that it may be like $20 more/hr. The downside is being a contractor. He said that A typically budgets for a year on a project, and that it's a good "in" for a permanent position. The math kind of works out. I could pay more for health insurance through the contractor. Not Kaiser which my kids have been on since birth.  I'm required by custody stipulation to provide the kids insurance. That counts toward my guideline support.

One idea is paying their mom to put the kids on her Kaiser. That would be a little hit to me since it's pre-tax.

I'd lose my 5 weeks of PTO. The math works out. I talked to the guy yesterday. He said if I needed time off, I'd just take those days unpaid.

Today, I thought" I'd lose my 401(k) contribution by my current company." Not too much of a big deal, but without a 401(k), I'd be limited to IRA limits,  so that,  and my tax liability would go up since I max it out. $19.5k vs $6k.

I confided with a buddy at work. With my kids, he pointed out the risk of being a contractor: they could let you go at any time, no severance.

I feel like I've felt when I changed jobs the last two times. Depressed, not clinically, but down. Those times, I didn't have innocents depending upon me, and I moved out of state, and then back. Just me. Risking, but no risk. Carpe Diem. It worked out.

Unlike those other times when I was much younger, may be I need to adjust my attitude to make the best of where I am and work harder and smarter. 

D7, S9... They need me around.

[GaGrl]

Turkish, I've worked contract several times, and I've done a ton of hiring of contractors. The tech company I worked with had a very deliberate approach to using contractors, and they were integral to our workforce. When we found a terrificcontracyor,car wanted to keep him/her. However, our guidelines were a three-year max -- by then, they needed to be hired as a regular employee of take a 90 day sabbatical -- otherwise, labor law makes it look like they really are an employee that we aren't providing benefits to.

So, pros and cons...

No harm in exploring .

[worriedStepmom]

I took a contract job a few years ago, at just about the same time my H quit his job to go back to school.   You're thinking through the financials, which is good. 

I found it stressful to be an hourly employee again. I had to worry about making up the hour from when I took the kids to the doctor, or worry about stopping at 40 hours when I was in the middle of something. 

After about 15 months I was over contracting and started looking for other work. The company created a new permanent position and hired me into it so they could keep me.  I had proved my value.  They then hired a contractor to replace me.  A month after she took the job, she fell and broke her wrist and her tailbone.  She was on severely restricted working hours for a while...which meant she had a severely restricted paycheck.  Make sure you have the financial cushion to help if something like that happens to you.

Overall, I'm glad I went the contract route, because it's the only way I would have gotten into this company and it's a great fit for me.  If you contract for a year with that name on your resume, will that make it easier to find a job if it doesn't become a permanent position?

[ForeverDad]

I'd lose my 401(k) contribution by my current company.

Your prior contributions are protected, it is still your money.  In case you're concerned about prior contributions:  You might lose some or all employer match or profit sharing depending on how long you've been with your current employer and which schedule they use for vesting.  Their retirement plan will contain a ream of text, rules and charts with those details, possibly also available on their website.

If you have less than $5K vested with your employer then your employer can require that you remove your vested money and move it to your personal IRA or some other retirement plan that you have.  It has to go directly into another retirement account or it will be considered taxable, you will face 20% withholding and if you're not yet 55 then also a 10% early withdrawal penalty.

Of course, if your lament is that while contracting you can't contribute to a company 401(k) plan, that's a downside to being a contractor.  Often contractors get paid more to offset the lack of healthcare and retirement plans.

I worked over 15 years as a programmer/analyst with a retirement plan administration until 2017.

[Turkish]

Of course, if your lament is that while contracting you can't contribute to a company 401(k) plan, that's a downside to being a contractor.  Often contractors get paid more to offset the lack of healthcare and retirement plans.

That is it. I'm fully vested, so I could chose to keep the 401(k) or roll it into a pre-tax IRA. The salary would be about $20/hr more, enough to offset the PTO and higher insurance. I keep 5-6 months cash as a buffer just in case. Much more tied up in my current company stock at current valuations. That's my near liquid emergency fund (and new car fund as mine is 11 years old and I'll need a new one in 1-3 years, likely. 

Thanks, ladies, for your comments upon contracting. I didn't consider all of the angles about going hourly.

I talked about things with a few trusted co-workers, including my recently dethroned manager who's leaving as soon as he finds something which suits him.  He perked up at mention of The Big A. A former colleague told me that our company (something like Intel) looks good on a resume, but A is a step above. I've heard that such companies, like Google and Facebook, tend to softly discriminate towards older employees/ hires. I'm almost 50, but look younger though still in my 40s. My profile gives me away though, as I started working in tech when  was 20.

I emailed the recruiter back last night and respectfully declined to move forward. The next step would have been forwarding his profile on me to the hiring manager. Younger with no kids? I'd certainly go for it.  My thinking is "a bird in the hand..."

At least this will also save me coordinating with my ex. We get along, but I remember what she said last month when I told her I might apply to a FT job i likely could have gotten at Thermo Fisher, but it would have required a lot of travel, "is it more money?"

All in all, I need to get a better attitude at work for now. So, off to work Saturday and maybe Sunday, and possibly thanksgiving to make up for a 2/3 day tomorrow taking D to the optometrist in the morning, and next Wednesday to watch the kids that day while they're on break. Gotta meet my numbers by the end of the month. 

Less than 9 years to pay off the house, and a little more than 10 where CS ends. Then I'll get a big "raise" and, if necessary, be content to be a drone lab tech for less pay and scrutiny until Medicare age. Then retire.

Yeah, maybe I need to adjust my attitude. 

Thanks again for the sage input. 

[zachira]

I realize you may have to take this job, though it seems that with your experience and qualifications you likely have other possibilities. It is very important that you be available to your children no matter where you are, that they can contact you, and there is a plan to rescue them if their mother is doing things that are dangerous for your children's wellbeing.

[Turkish]

With her stbxh, there was a lot of drama:  some DV, cops twice,  once that now D7 saw.  Their mom is telegraphing through social media that she's looking for love. She's kind of stable for now, but I really wonder about drama in the future.  She's also fancying herself a self-improvement guru on Instagram. It's weird, but I'll never say anything.

I'll likely be invited to thanksgiving by her family. She wasn't there last year as she had the flu.  It was a relaxed time. Such events can be ok, until the kids act out and she won't do anything other than tell me to deal with them if the act out from her viewpoint because it's "Daddy's custody day." Can't stand that.