pt. 2: I'm afraid he will wear me down and get his way again

[snowglobe]

Mod Note:  Part 1 of this thread is here   https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=339846.0;all

If you changed your reaction to his behaviour,  would that help you finish your school and find meaningful employment?

Absolutely,
In order for me to do that, I need to take off the prism of a wounded and wrong child and put the prism of a grown self sufficient woman who is capable of taking care of myself and my kids. I am making a concrete steps to ensure that. Counselling is one of them, the second would be Waiting and not reacting emotionally to whatever he is doing as long as it doesn’t violate my boundaries.

[snowglobe]

To add to Babyduck's point - I don't think your fears are irrational or have no basis. However, the way we perceive things and how we react are influenced by our "filter".

Fear is an emotion designed to protect us. At one point, we lived in the wild. Fear was useful to protect us if we were being chased by a wild animal that wanted to eat us.

For most of us, we are thankfully not being chased by wild animals, but our fear reaction is biologically similar and it affects our reactions.

Personally I think much of our co-dependent behavior comes out of trying to manage our fears. We try to manage them by doing something about the other person- trying to change them. It's usually not very successful. What is more successful is doing something to manage ourselves- learning how to examine the fear, calm down, decide if it is seriously threatening or not, and take rational action if needed.

Finishing school is a rational action. If you were able to support yourself, you would then not fear your H would leave you destitute.

Your H has physically harmed you. Trying to change him is like trying to change the bear that is chasing you for breakfast. It's more effective to have a safety plan. Early humans found it safer to live in a cave. What can you do in modern times to protect yourselves if he is violent?

Fear is not the problem. It's an adaptive and protective mechanism. However, we are able to examine fears and take appropriate action to the best of our ability. Working on what we can do, not trying to change the other person is more effective.  It's also possible to work on emotion regulation with a counselor to rationally decide how dangerous is the situation we fear. Fear can feel like we are being chased by a bear, but not all fears are this much of an immediate threat.

Wendy, thank you for your validation, I too agree that my fears are founded on my past experiences and exacerbated by the fears of rejection and possible threats/ultimatums of the people around me. It’s easier to manipulate and get the other person to do something when they are afraid. For instance, when I sat down and worked through my current situation- my ubpdh suddenly going to church. He is going because he is going through difficult time in his life and needs extra support that he is lacking. My mother, who is now cut off financially, is acting out, trying to demand the financial compensation from us “from all the years of contributing”, or walking away. Ubpdh can’t/does not want to provide her with that, she pulls “ either start paying or I’m leaving” act. Ubpdh’s abandonment is triggered by her and he is looking for solace in the church’s loins. It feels comforting and he is getting an immediate relief. Do I think my mother should be paid for living with us- no. She is saving money by not paying for the housing expenses such as mortgage, utilities, car lease, insurance, etc. She is able to travel freely, but expensive purchase and so on. Moreover, when she did help by cooking, ironing or cleaning around the house, I saw it as transaction/act of kindness. She doesn’t pay for her living arrangements, in turn she helps me around the house. Everyone wins. Until we started traveling for work and she demanded compensation. Fair enough, she was getting a large salary for her babysitting services. Now that I live at home full time, there is hired help for cleaning, her responsibilities include occasional cooking, ironing and rarely clean up. She is not expected to pay a single bill. When she is buying food, it’s for herself and her husband. Additionally, she has a 50% access to my vehicle free of charge. No bills for insurance, lease or service. In tern I occasionally ask her to drive my kids to extra curricular. In my eyes it is a fair transaction. Being bpd she always had this way of exacerbating my fears. Interpreting events to magnify and create this fear of impending fiasco. With my ubpdh she is constantly interpreting his behaviour as a step away from the doom and gloom. He goes to the gym, she says he is building himself to pick up new chicks. He spends time away from us, she says he is tired of “playing the family”, he starts getting close to his foo she says “he will put their interests ahead of kids and yours”, she is also constantly pointing out the facts that validate her “suspicions”. I’m tried of her voice in my head. Maybe life isn’t thAt bad or scary after all. She raised a good and faithful Janissary (https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Janissaries) who was ready to fight her wars. This isn’t about me anymore. For the past months I have been living in a perpetual state of internal conflict. Trying to save her and make her happy from the bad Un great full son in law. My ubpdh doesn’t owe her anything. He does not hold her hostage. In fact he gifted her a large amount of money last year and allowed her to buy a vehicle. She doesn’t want to, because why? She has a free access to my car. I want to stop hearing other people’s voices in my head. My mother’s, my ubpdh’s or anyone’s for that matter. I want to start hearing myself and my wise mind.

[snowglobe]

I am totally in agreement with Notwendy.

Do you have a safety plan?   Something that could carry you through the next 2 weeks if he becomes violent.    Not the next 2 years, 2 weeks.    Do you have a place to run in an emergency,     someplace you can find while you are upset?   Do you have an emergency go bag?  A second set of keys kept with a friend or neighbor?  A small amount of quick cash if you need to get a hotel room for a night?

Are you interested in us helping craft a safety plan with you?

I am interested in crafting a safety plan, yes, I also have a small amount saved in the safety deposit box. Large enough for. Retainer and few weeks of living at the hotel. I wouldn’t want to traumatize the children, but I made a solid promise to them that if he ever were violent with any of us, I would take them out

[babyducks]

Absolutely,
In order for me to do that, I need to take off the prism of a wounded and wrong child and put the prism of a grown self sufficient woman who is capable of taking care of myself and my kids. I am making a concrete steps to ensure that. Counselling is one of them, the second would be Waiting and not reacting emotionally to whatever he is doing as long as it doesn’t violate my boundaries.

I'm all in favor of that.

Now that you aren't triggered,   could we look back at the episode with the priest and the blessing?

What was going on when your husband asked for the blessing?    What was your first thought ?     What were you feeling?

I don't mind saying that priests were never friends to my family.   I wouldn't have been thrilled to have one bless my house.    I would have viewed it as a bit uncomfortable.

And I wonder,   what language did the priest use for the blessing?     Could the language have been another trigger on top of the other triggers?

Looking back at it now,    what other options could have been tried to make the blessing easier and less stressful for you?

[babyducks]

I am interested in crafting a safety plan, yes, I also have a small amount saved in the safety deposit box. Large enough for. Retainer and few weeks of living at the hotel. I wouldn’t want to traumatize the children, but I made a solid promise to them that if he ever were violent with any of us, I would take them out

It's really good that you have a small amount in a safety deposit box in case of an emergency exit.  That's very good.

How about important papers?  Is there a way to put copies of some documents in the box?

Do you have a place to keep an small bag with some of the things you might need if you have to leave in the middle of the night?    Especially for your son,  he is going to need extra care right?

Have you thought through how to get out.    What doors to use?  How to get everyone out with you?    What rooms to avoid.     What is the best route to get you and the kids out to a more public spot.

Do you have an idea in your head,  what would it take for you to make this decision? ?   What, specifically,   would it take for you to say go?  Most people wait too long before they try to exit.

[Lucky Jim]

Do you have a place to keep an small bag with some of the things you might need if you have to leave in the middle of the night?    Especially for your son,  he is going to need extra care right?

Hey snowglobe, I agree with babyducks.  Have an emergency kit ready.  I kept a small gym bag in the trunk of my car with a toothbrush and a change of clothes so I was prepared for a quick getaway.  Sad to say, that gear bag came in handy when I paid late night visits to the local motel during intense periods of rage and abuse at home.  I still shudder to think about those dark days.

Many of us have been down this road before you so you are not alone.

LJ

[snowglobe]

It's really good that you have a small amount in a safety deposit box in case of an emergency exit.  That's very good.

How about important papers?  Is there a way to put copies of some documents in the box?

Do you have a place to keep an small bag with some of the things you might need if you have to leave in the middle of the night?    Especially for your son,  he is going to need extra care right?

Have you thought through how to get out.    What doors to use?  How to get everyone out with you?    What rooms to avoid.     What is the best route to get you and the kids out to a more public spot.

Do you have an idea in your head,  what would it take for you to make this decision? ?   What, specifically,   would it take for you to say go?  Most people wait too long before they try to exit.

I will make copies of the important paper work and keep it home, while the originals will be put away into safety deposit box.
Ubpdh doesn’t allow me to keep any bags in the car, as he calls it messy cluttering and hoarding. They only option would be to make a bag and leave it at my friend’s house. But then again, what do you do if you have to leave in the middle of the night? Calling people at 2 am?. No one has a home phone anymore, cell phones are in do not disturb Till the morning...
I need some ideas as to where keep that bag, my house has multiple exits, so I can use any of them. He moved us to reclusive neighbourhood, far from civilization. Other then my next door neighbours, no one could really hear me.

[stolencrumbs]

I will make copies of the important paper work and keep it home, while the originals will be put away into safety deposit box.
Ubpdh doesn’t allow me to keep any bags in the car, as he calls it messy cluttering and hoarding. They only option would be to make a bag and leave it at my friend’s house. But then again, what do you do if you have to leave in the middle of the night? Calling people at 2 am?. No one has a home phone anymore, cell phones are in do not disturb Till the morning...
I need some ideas as to where keep that bag, my house has multiple exits, so I can use any of them. He moved us to reclusive neighbourhood, far from civilization. Other then my next door neighbours, no one could really hear me.

Hi snowglobe,
Just a logistical point here. Your friend can activate “emergency bypass” for your number and it will bypass do not disturb. Also, the default is that a second call from anyone will go through if it’s made within 3 minutes. This is for iPhones. I don’t know about Android, but I assume there are similar settings.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey snowglobe, Suggest you discuss logistics with your friend and/or next-door neighbors.  They may be able to recommend a place for your overnight bag.

LJ

[Red5]

…suggest you discuss logistics with your friend and/or next-door neighbors.  They may be able to recommend a place for your overnight bag.

A good idea, lots of places to pre-stage a "bail-out bag"… a back yard building - shed - garage… pump house, inside a boat (trailered / parked)… an RV (camper)… lots of places, 

Kind Regards, Red5