If ex contacts me again...

[secretgirl]

IF ubpdexbf contacts me again... my T suggested that I approach it this way... is this a good idea? thoughts?

"I know that we are both very exhausted from these arguments and fights that keep happening... I'm trying on my end very hard to see a therapist, and work on myself and how I can improve and change... do you like these arguments? What would you be willing to do on your end to fix it?"

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[ColdKnight]

Hi,

Thanks for replying to my post on your other thread. I’ll answer your questions soon but I wanted to reach out to you on this topic first.

That is a tough one. It seems to me that it’s not the message you send but rather the message they receive. Meaning you could send something with great intention and affection and they might pick one little bit out of it that they don’t like and focus on that.

Is there anything in that message that you think might trigger him again?

[secretgirl]

Hi,

Thanks for replying to my post on your other thread. I’ll answer your questions soon but I wanted to reach out to you on this topic first.

That is a tough one. It seems to me that it’s not the message you send but rather the message they receive. Meaning you could send something with great intention and affection and they might pick one little bit out of it that they don’t like and focus on that.

Is there anything in that message that you think might trigger him again?

Thx CK. Yeah it seems a bit accusatory ... but id like to know how to ask him how he will be improving the relationship from his end ?

[ColdKnight]

I don’t think it is accusatory at all. I think for Nons it is a very valid and reasonable question. I just wonder how he might take it. I think that is a big part of that whole “walking on eggshells” feeling. Is what I say no matter how innocent it is, going to set them off.

I know that my ex could never handle even playful teasing. Much less confrontation about an issue we were having.

Is asking him about his part in improving the relationship something you feel you need to ask as soon as he initiates contact again? Maybe establish a little friendly communication first?

I don’t know...what do you think?

I often wonder the same. What would I say to her if she contacted me. I blasted her pretty badly so if she had the courage to contact me again and I blasted her again it might shut her down again.

[secretgirl]

Yeah... exactly... the issue is both you and I keep talking to them like they're non's then we get frustrated when they "don't get it" fml.

Yeah I think you're right.. maybe I'll establish the friendly communication first and just hear him out if he does contact me and listen to what he feels about it... sometimes in the past he has come to me and apologized... but like it still doesn't change the fact that he usually goes back on his word of how he will improve... so that;s kind of why I want the conversation to lead in this direction... because at the end of the day, if we are doing our part and they aren't doing theirs... it's up to us to first clarify that they don't want to do their part and then decide if we want to accept this or not right? Because then my approach will be entirely different. I'll have to change a lot of the way I respond.

[Anakin]

It seems to me that proper wording is key.  As using the wrong word or sequence of words and they can take it the wrong way.  I can see both views with your question on how yes it might trigger a bad reaction and also how it could not.  I wish I had more knowledge about this illness to give you a better answer.  What CK said maybe the better option to feel him out a bit first then ask the question.  Sorry that may not be very helpful, but currently it’s all I got

[secretgirl]

It seems to me that proper wording is key.  As using the wrong word or sequence of words and they can take it the wrong way.  I can see both views with your question on how yes it might trigger a bad reaction and also how it could not.  I wish I had more knowledge about this illness to give you a better answer.  What CK said maybe the better option to feel him out a bit first then ask the question.  Sorry that may not be very helpful, but currently it’s all I got

That's okay Anakin... thanks for replying I was just about to reply to your post.

[once removed]

"I know that we are both very exhausted from these arguments and fights that keep happening... I'm trying on my end very hard to see a therapist, and work on myself and how I can improve and change... do you like these arguments? What would you be willing to do on your end to fix it? we have a lot of conflict. What are your thoughts on how we can resolve it?"

[secretgirl]

THANKS OR.