I'm surprised by how frequently they almost seem to dismiss the abuse

[lpheal]

My story is covered in posts in the past. Currently separated from my uBPDw, pending filing for divorce. The relationship was abusive: emotionally, verbally and physically.

In my interactions with lawyers, counselors and therapists I'm surprised by how frequently they almost seem to dismiss the abuse. For example, if at the intake appointment with a marriage counselor I will say I was abused in this relationship and cite many examples. I make it clear I won't return. Then a month later there will be a comment like, "are we still thinking this will head to divorce?" or "So you are still moving in that direction?" from another and "seems like you have a choice to make." was yet another.

If the gender roles were reversed would these comments be the same? I've had the impression that women are encouraged to leave these relationships. Maybe I am mistaken though, and these type of questions could be asked of either gender.

It doesn't change my decision-making, but it leaves you feeling unsettled. It's as if they aren't hearing what you are saying.

[Newyoungfather]

Hello Ipheal,
Yes if the gender role was reverse than the counselor would tell the female to leave.  I was also abused on all levels, except sexual abuse, and no one would understand.  I know how you feel, my exbpd would sit calmly in the office of the therapist and denied all allegations of abuse and even said I'm "delusional".  I know you must be going through a hard time but there is no "fixing" a bpd, I left the relationship because of the abuse, there is a light at the end of the tunnel and you realize that when you leave.

[Waddams]

It doesn't change my decision-making, but it leaves you feeling unsettled. It's as if they aren't hearing what you are saying.

Yup. You've got to make a mental change to relying on your own "inner" self for validation that what you are doing is the right thing and stop wanting or expecting any external validation. The professionals and family law community are, with a few very rare exceptions, not going to be more supportive. They will likely push you to "settlements" and "compromises" and other what not that leave you more vulnerable to future conflict with your STBX/abuser as well. You can see with the softer language you are encountering they are already positioning for it. It's a combination of both not understanding high conflict, abusive dissolutions as well as plain old anti-male/women oriented favoritism bias in the family law system.

You're going to need the mental fortitude to hold your ground with not just uBPDw but also with everyone else involved. They're going to try to convince you accept compromises, that under other circumstances might be acceptable, but when dealing with a BPD, they aren't.

[Panda39]

Gender could play a part here, but if you look at our relationship boards you can see how many times people change their minds as they work through relationships.  In the time between visits things can change.  It might be the questions you are being asked are just a way for the counselor to touch base with where you currently are and not necessarily trying to push you in a direction.

If it happens again maybe discuss with the counselor how this is making you feel and ask them what their intent is.

Panda39

[lpheal]

If it happens again maybe discuss with the counselor how this is making you feel and ask them what their intent is.

Panda39

You raise a good point, and this is a great thing to ask if it comes up again. Thank you for your comments.

[Breakingfree9]

Hello Ipheal,
Yes if the gender role was reverse than the counselor would tell the female to leave.  I was also abused on all levels, except sexual abuse, and no one would understand.  I know how you feel, my exbpd would sit calmly in the office of the therapist and denied all allegations of abuse and even said I'm "delusional".  I know you must be going through a hard time but there is no "fixing" a bpd, I left the relationship because of the abuse, there is a light at the end of the tunnel and you realize that when you leave.

I joined this board more than 10 years ago to try to heal from my marriage to a uBPD. Now, nearly 11 years later, I see what other people must have seen when we were together -- the things I was too blind to see. The projection, the splitting, the controlling behavior, the highs/lows, how I would go from being idolized to demonized -- sometimes in the same day.
I finally stood up for myself, told her I was going to do so and that she may not like it. She initiated the divorce and my life has been so much better. I honestly thought I was a bad person because she said I was. I've learned over the years, I'm not such a bad guy.

(now, how do I teach a teenage girl it's going to be OK...that it's not about her, but about her mom?)

[mart555]

For example, if at the intake appointment with a marriage counselor I will say I was abused in this relationship and cite many examples. I make it clear I won't return. Then a month later there will be a comment like, "are we still thinking this will head to divorce?" or "So you are still moving in that direction?" from another and "seems like you have a choice to make." was yet another.

Isn't the intent of a marriage counselor to fix a marriage?  We're dealing with BPD,  a lot of the don't even know what it is.  It's not like they have a medical background...