set my first limit

[eliason]

Hi all — I've been working through the Stop Walking on Eggshells workbook (the book itself is in the mail) and it's so eye-opening, just like all the info in this community. Thank you all again!

So I just wanted to share that I set my first small limit — it felt confusing, like I was being a total jerk, and my heart rate and cortisol levels were way up. I've started to realize those are my responses to very specific triggers.

So anyway, the conversation. Backstory: My partner doesn't drive (either from unwillingness and/or a severe phobia, depending on the month) and she's constantly asking me to pick her up, drive her places, do all the shopping, etc. I try to be empathetic and understanding but it's been draining on me. We live in a small very walkable town, and it seems to me like a grown woman should be able to get herself across town without help. But I digress.

So I used the DEAR method and said the following:
- I can't always pick you up and drive you somewhere. Sometimes when I say no, you persist and don't accept that.
- It makes me feel like you don't care about my time or my feelings. It makes me feel guilty and taken advantage of.
- From now on, if I say that I can't do it, I'm not going to argue with you or justify myself.
- I'll feel cared for and respected and we'll have a better relationship.

She withdrew a little bit but heard me and said "ok."

We had an immediate slight escalation afterwards where I tried to remain neutral, empathetic, and actively listening without getting engaged in the argument or pushing "my side." I'm trying to remind myself that she needs a lot of validation and reassurance, that I can do that without feeling threatened, and that's ok.

Anyway I just thought I'd share, because this feels like an awkward first step into a whole new life.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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[Harri]

Well done!   

You will feel awkward and nervous with any new behavior, but especially with changing the way you interact in personal relationships.  It gets easier as you gain more practice and accept that not only do you have a right to self care and boundaries but they are healthy.

We had an immediate slight escalation afterwards where I tried to remain neutral, empathetic, and actively listening without getting engaged in the argument or pushing "my side." I'm trying to remind myself that she needs a lot of validation and reassurance, that I can do that without feeling threatened, and that's ok.

This is excellent.  Keep reminding yourself of these things. 

She may bring this subject up again so be prepared.  It is okay if she does.  Just stay steady and do not JADE.

Have you settled back down?

[eliason]

Have you settled back down?

Yes thanks. I got myself back down to baseline without withdrawing, which was pretty big for me. Breathwork is incredible. Still feeling weird but confident this will be worth it. Thanks for the kind words.

[Amethyste]

Great

[once removed]

anything happen since?

[eliason]

This went pretty well and has been pretty good so far. She hasn't tried to test it yet but I'm feeling much better about enforcing this one.
 

I've been more assertive about other boundaries as well and am trying to do a lot of work to form and write down value-based boundaries instead of just reactive behavior ones.

e.g. — I value love and kindness. I will not accept being treated unkindly and without respect. If this happens I will not participate, try to de-escalate, and remove myself from the situation.

e.g. — I value individuality and responsibility. I will not accept being devalued as a person or having my words twisted. If this happens I will stand my ground, reinforce that I said what I said and what I meant by it, and will not get drawn into an argument about it. If emotions get high I will remove myself from the situation.

And things like that. It's tough but validating, and I finally feel like I have a way out of this fog, or at least a way to take myself back.

Time to go chat with my therapist about this, wish me luck.

[Radcliff]

Congratulations!  Thanks for sharing your progress!

RC