Wife back in hospital...

[stolencrumbs]

So I called the police again (2nd time) today after my wife's suicide threats got turned up a couple of notches. They haven't really stopped, but last night and today they seemed...different, and scared me much more than usual. She had not done anything when the police got to the house, but after a conversation with both of us, they took her to the hospital. It was voluntary in the sense that they did not put her in hand cuffs, but it was involuntary in the sense that they made it clear that she had no choice but to be escorted to the hospital.

The really scary part, though, is what I discovered when I got back home a couple of hours ago. I checked the search history on the computer and found a lot of searches over the last couple of days about suicide and gas-powered generators. So I went out to the detached garage, and there was an upside down box in the corner that isn't normally there. Picked it up and there's a new gas generator. She had bought gas for it. There was also a plastic bag. There was also a new dog leash that is definitely not for our dogs. And in the backseat of the SUV there was a board laid across the folded-down back seats and a pillow next to that. I haven't quite worked out what the plan was exactly, but I assume it involved putting the generator in the car and laying down next to it, perhaps with a plastic bag over her head to capture the exhaust and the leash to keep things in place.

She told me in emails today that she had "rehearsed" and that "everything was set." I suspect she has rehearsed this a lot. The last few times I've come over to the house at night, the garage light has been on. I thought that was strange, but I guess I know now what she was doing out there.

My head is kind of spinning. I don't know what to think or what to do. I've been trying to leave this relationship. How in the world do I do that when my wife is planning and practicing her own death? 

[Gemsforeyes]

Oh SC, I am so sorry...

I think you call the police, show them what you’ve found and maybe ask them what they think?

And you phone the hospital, your W’s T , and tell them and show them photographs of what you’ve found.

Please don’t keep this to yourself.

I don’t know... what does anyone else think?

On one hand, if your W didn’t want you or someone to stop her, she wouldn’t keep TALKING about the suicide.  There’s something in her that wants someone to stop her.  That’s my feeling.

She has what she needs to complete the task.

I am so so sorry... this burden on you feels so huge.  It’s just NOT your responsibility to “keep her alive”.  It’s not.  She’s got to want that on her own.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[Notwendy]

I am so sorry you are dealing with this.

I am not an expert but this is the kind of information I would think needs to be told to her medical team. She didn't just threaten- she has a plan and has acted on it by purchasing the equipment.

If she isn't in agreement with their plan, I don't think they can legally hold her in the hospital for long- she'd be home in a couple of days. With this information, they may be able to arrange a longer term hospitalization, which I think she would need considering she is actually taking steps to act out her plan.

How does one leave a relationship like this? You surely don't want to be held hostage to her mental illness. Naturally you care about her too. But this kind of situation- acting out on a suicide plan- is out of the hands of a layperson/family member. You staying with her won't cure or even prevent this. This is not the first time she's made threats and done damage to property. If you decide to stay with her, you know that won't stop this. And if you leave it might escalate, but you didn't cause this. Emotionally stable people don't do this, even if a relationship breaks up. As much as you may care for her, she needs professional care, and that isn't something you can personally do. You are not responsible for her suicide attempts.

Rather than staying or leaving, IMHO, I think the most urgent decision is that this woman needs to be in professional care. Please tell her health care team what you know and let them decide on a treatment plan.

[formflier]

What you went through discovering all of that stuff is unimaginable.   

Please let the police and her hospital team know.  I would have to think that with "evidence" there is a way to hold her for longer.

I'm so sorry. My prayers and thoughts are with you.

Best,

FF

[Cat Familiar]

I'm so sorry you're going through this, but I'm not surprised either. Your wife has crossed the rubicon now, by having tools and plans for carrying out suicide.

This is a difficult situation for even experienced mental health professionals. It's way beyond the point for a spouse to handle.

As others have said, this is a situation for long term institutional care. As you've noted, she could be released and still carry out her plan.

And I agree that photos, search history, etc. all need to be available to police and hospital staff.

 
Cat

[stolencrumbs]

She is still in the "critical decision unit" at the hospital, which as far as I can tell, is just a holding tank until a bed opens at the psych hospital. There is no one for me to talk to at this point. I will definitely tell the doctors about her plan and how far she had gone to enact it whenever I actually get a chance to talk to them.

This all drives home just how seriously mentally ill my wife is. It is heartbreaking. I could sort of get my head around someone talking or thinking about dying all the time, or maybe that just became really normalized for me. But thinking about my wife going into the garage at night and rehearsing this plan just takes my breath away. There is clearly part of her that wants to live. She has planted spring blooming bulbs in the garden this week, and has volunteered herself to project manage a year-long project. She hasn't stopped making plans. But apparently on days she does this, she is also plotting how to end her life effectively. I found the receipt and she bought the generator on the same trip that she bought the bulbs. It's just...I don't know. 

I just don't know what my role is in all of this going forward. I want to be supportive of her getting better. I have tried to do that. But what she wants is support in the form of commitment to the relationship. I get that it's not up to me to keep her alive, and that I am not qualified to deal with this. I do think if I were to come home and be here every night, that she wouldn't kill herself. That doesn't address any of the underlying issues, and it's not what I want, and I don't think it lends itself to any long term success. This isn't (mainly) a relationship issue. This is a serious mental illness. But a seriously mentally ill person needs a support system. And whether I like it or not, I am that support system for my wife right now. Stepping back now just seems very much like very real abandonment.

I guess I hope the professionals can help. They have not inspired confidence so far.

[Notwendy]

I can understand your dilemma. She has a serious mental illness and her suicidal plan escalated just at the time you were taking steps to leave the relationship. What she wants is for you to commit. This has both a manipulative aspect to this as well as the mental illness aspect. An emotionally healthy person would not take a potential break up to this extreme.

I think it would help to express your own concerns to her mental health team. They will need to know what supports she has. Unless you discuss this, they will not know the situation. This would help them plan her treatment.

I think it would help you to get some counseling for yourself. I can see you don't want to just abandon her but neither do you want to be at home all the time acting as mental health warden, afraid for her life if you don't go along with her wishes. Part of her rehabilitation, if it is possible, is for her to be able to cope better and if you proceed with the separation, she will need this support- if it is medical, or group therapy, or some sort of inpatient situation.

[Cat Familiar]

You cannot supervise her 24-7 and continue with your life. I had a friend who was suicidal and had attempted it, but her husband found her and brought her to the hospital. A year later, she waited until he left for work. That time she was successful.

You’ve been trying to prop her up for years and that’s given you a skewed perception regarding her mental health. Now you are realizing how truly ill she is.

There are no easy answers, but it’s obvious that she’s no longer capable of living on her own. However that does not mean you have to sacrifice yourself to be her monitor. At this point, she needs to be institutionalized. Perhaps she can improve enough where she can be trusted to live alone, but that’s an unknown.

[stolencrumbs]

Well, they just released her. I just picked her up. Not one person ever talked to me. Last I knew, she was being transferred to psych hospital. Apparently she protested, got a nurse on her side, got a social worker who talked with her and then the doctor she saw last time at the psych hospital, and he agreed to let her go home without ever seeing or talking to her. Next thing I knew, she called to tell me to come get her. She was sitting outside the hospital by herself.

This system sucks. The “professionals” in this system suck. I would very much like this to not be all on me. It absolutely feels like this is all on me. And people who are supposed to know better just put it all on me.

[I Am Redeemed]

Stolencrumbs,

I'm so sorry. I know exactly what you mean about the system and how it can be completely ineffective and leaves seriously ill patients and their family members with options that feel like Scylla and Charybdis.

I once drove my ex to the mental health crisis center when I realized he had overdosed purposely on aspirin and refused to go into the er. The mental health center is an extension of the hospital, and they had police escort him to the er. After three days in intensive care, they had a social worker give him a "no harm" contract to sign, with the promise of following up with a therapist. Of course, he didn't, and I thought he should have been admitted to the mental health crisis center. He wasn't. I could cite more instances like that, where I tried desperately to get him some real mental health treatment, but he was never admitted anywhere. My state is not what you would call progressive in mental health services; they're far from it, in my opinion.

It seems like you should still tell someone about the evidence you found that she has an active, rehearsed plan. Your therapist or hers, or both. Maybe even still report it to the police to have it documented.

Just trying to come up with options, here. This has got to be beyond frustrating and exhausting for you. I'm sorry you are going through this.

[stolencrumbs]

Stolencrumbs,

I'm so sorry. I know exactly what you mean about the system and how it can be completely ineffective and leaves seriously ill patients and their family members with options that feel like Scylla and Charybdis.

I once drove my ex to the mental health crisis center when I realized he had overdosed purposely on aspirin and refused to go into the er. The mental health center is an extension of the hospital, and they had police escort him to the er. After three days in intensive care, they had a social worker give him a "no harm" contract to sign, with the promise of following up with a therapist. Of course, he didn't, and I thought he should have been admitted to the mental health crisis center. He wasn't. I could cite more instances like that, where I tried desperately to get him some real mental health treatment, but he was never admitted anywhere. My state is not what you would call progressive in mental health services; they're far from it, in my opinion.

It seems like you should still tell someone about the evidence you found that she has an active, rehearsed plan. Your therapist or hers, or both. Maybe even still report it to the police to have it documented.

Just trying to come up with options, here. This has got to be beyond frustrating and exhausting for you. I'm sorry you are going through this.

Yes, frustrating and exhausting is exactly right. I don’t know where you are, but my state is also not exactly progressive when it comes to mental health. I’m in the South, and I suspect that’s true of the region as a whole. It’s just unbelievable to me that they would just send her back home after two days where she literally got no care of any kind at all. No one talked to me, her therapist, or her psychiatrist. The decision was made by a social worker who knew her for maybe 20 minutes on a TV screen (those evaluations are not in person) and a doctor who saw her for maybe a total of an hour during the week she was in the hospital four months ago. It’s unbelievable.

[Harri]

Hi stolencrumbs.  I too am so sorry for what you are both going through and feel the system is very inadequate to say the least.

Were you able to give her doctors the information about her plan and the search history you found on the computer?  I assume not for the docs in the hospital but her other doctor? 

Who do you have helping you with this, other than here of course?  I am sorry, i do not remember if you have your own therapist who would be able to guide you.

I have a hard time comprehending how you are both left to deal with this on your own by the 'professionals'. 

[sweetheart]

Does your wife have a psychiatrist? I suspect she doesn’t going by the information in your posts.

I know you and she both have a therapist, but your wife IME now needs to be referred to a psychiatrist.
I live in the U.K. so the system is different here, but nonetheless what you are describing needs assessing by a psychiatrist for risks and diagnosis plus treatment options.

Here in the U.K. I would go to my family doctor and ask for a referral to the community psychiatrist. Also here in the U.K. a therapist can refer to a psychiatrist as well.

Does your wife’s T know, have you made her aware? I would put everything in writing and take photos of what you have found and send everything you have for her T’s attention.

The other thing that we can do here in the U.K. as the legal Nearest Relative (usually the spouse, or closest family member outside marriage) is to request a psychiatric assessment under the Mental Health Act. I have done this twice with my husband which led to admissions to hospital both times.
The reason I needed to do this is that my h can mask very well and tell professionals what they want to hear, and all too often I was left out of the loop.
So in requesting a mental health act assessment they have to find out your side of things.

[sweetheart]

Send the emails that your wife sent you to her T as well, and specifically request that she refers your wife to a psychiatrist for a full risk assessment as a matter of urgency. Let her know that your wife did not tell the professionals anything that has been going on.

Ask her T in writing what she thinks you should do to help your wife so she gets the best possible treatment and support.

By involving her T in what you know, by emailing her photos and copies of everything that has been going on the T then has a Duty of Care to act so as to safeguard your wife from further harm.
If she does not then you have leverage to escalate things by a formal complaint to her professional body.

I completely understand that everything in this moment is falling to you to sort, but IME once your wife is in the system albeit on an out-patients basis initially you have a point of contact for emergencies. The focus for you now is getting her into the system. I’m sorry that you are having to deal with this single handedly. It is really tough. I have been there many times with my husband, who presents as chaotically as your wife.

[Notwendy]

I think this also has to do with how quickly and well a pwBPD can act "normal" when they are motivated to do so.

I don't know how sincerely suicidal your wife is vs doing this to somehow get you back to committing to her. I don't think we should underestimate the suicidal aspect, but this other aspect is part of this.

You also don't know what she told them about your marriage and they might have thought they were releasing her to supervision.

I have seen similar situations with my parents. I know each situation is different, so mine is just one example.

My BPD mother has threatened suicide, attempted it as well but an aspect of this is attention. She didn't just do it. There's an attention getting aspect to it. She has also destroyed things in rages. My parents stayed married but a great deal of my father's time, resources, and attention went to managing my mother and her welfare. She can't be left alone for long- not when she was younger, and not now. What's interesting now is that she has "grown" into this- as an elderly person she needs assistance and so she does have caretakers and this is perceived as normal. Financially, this is from my father's planning. Although we didn't seem to have a lot of money, apparently he planned well, saved, and left her the money to have assistance.

BPD is on a spectrum and in my mother's situation, I think she is severely on the spectrum, very dependent on others for her own needs. However, she's also intelligent, and can hold it together in public. Most people would not have a clue about the behaviors we saw at home.

When my father died, we kids worried about mother being on her own without him. Even relatives worried too. But we knew that being there 24/7 to watch her was not a realistic option- we have jobs and families. We certainly don't want her to harm herself, but unless we were there all the time, we really have no way to control what she does. She knows that if I were to be concerned, I would contact her health care team, call 911. She doesn't want that.

I think my father loved my mother and also felt an obligation to her. I can see how tough it might have been to leave her, knowing how dependent she is. But one thing he didn't realize is also how well she is doing without him. This is actually surprising all of us. While she does need assistance, she also is quite resilient.

Your situation is tough. On one hand, I don't think you are obligated to be a psych caretaker 24/7 for your wife. On the other hand leaving her without medical support would not feel right to you. I don't know how independent she is- whether she works, or has health insurance. Also unless she was actively suicidal at the time, I don't think the medical system can hold her against her will for long. She would have to agree to work with them.

I don't know what resources are available in your area, but it may help to contact social services and see what resources are available in terms of inpatient programs, social security disability, etc, even your own doctor might know of some. I don't know if you have discussed this situation with a lawyer and know what you are legally obligated to do as well as know what you feel you want to do. I understand that in the moment, a decision would be difficult, but gaining information might help you arrive at one.

[formflier]

Did anyone at the hospital look at the pictures/emails that showing the extent of her "plan" and "ability" to commit suicide?

I'm so sorry.

Best,

FF

[Cat Familiar]

How incredibly frustrating! 

Like Notwendy mentioned, some pwBPD can switch on a dime and go from psychotic to normal in a heartbeat. My mother could do that. I suspect your wife can too.

I can see why you’re disenchanted with the “professionals” in your area. And like Sweetheart pointed out, your wife needs a psychiatrist, rather than just a therapist—someone who can prescribe meds and hopefully keep her compliant.

If I remember correctly, she has had a therapist she’s seen for a while. Either she’s not telling her about the suicide intent or this woman is completely out of her depth.

In any event, ball is in your court and perhaps the first thing you need to do is to get her psychiatric help and share all your information.

[formflier]

In any event, ball is in your court and perhaps the first thing you need to do is to get her psychiatric help and share all your information.

I would also add that in addition to sharing your information I would "demand" in writing a written response.

Asking the question.  "How do I get my wife in long term residential care since she is now taking active steps to end her life AND HIDING THOSE STEPS.

It's one thing for a cry for help.  It appears to me she is past that stage and wants to carry out her plan vice tell people about her plans.

I know this is tough to think about.  Does this analysis make sense? 

Slashing yourself/busting things is an "in the moment thing".  Doesn't take thought and planning.

What she has done seems to take an awful lot of consistent thought and action.

Best,

FF

[stolencrumbs]

Thanks everyone.

She does have a psychiatrist who is managing her medications. I have no idea who it is. She hasn't and won't talk to me about it. The only person who I actually know and can contact is her T. There was no one at the hospital to talk to. The nurse told me I would be able to talk with the doctor when she was admitted to the psych hospital, which obviously didn't happen. The social worker was on a TV and only talked to my wife. There was no one to talk to.

She can definitely turn on the normal when she wants to. And though mental illness cuts across all demographics, I'd bet that the nurse and social worker were more likely to help her out because she is not the "typical" patient they see. They see a lot of addicts, homeless, etc. She's not that. She's very smart and can appear well put together.

FF, I am worried about the same thing--that she is now keeping this secret. This did not appear to be something she wanted me to find out about. There is clearly manipulation going on, and I can see a lot of the past stuff as being, at least in part, performative, but this doesn't feel like that. There are still some performative aspects to it all, but the secret plan that included concrete steps to acquire the means feels very different and very scary. My worry now is that she will stop the performative parts--i.e., telling me she's going to kill herself, but not stop with the planning and rehearsing and possibly carrying through.

I do think her T is completely out of her depth.

I haven't had a conversation with my wife about any of this. She doesn't know that I know about her plan. I took the generator and "supplies" away, so I guess she'll find out if she checks on all of that. I don't know how that conversation is supposed to go. I thought it'd be a conversation had with professionals involved.

I've got an appointment with my T, but it's a week and a half away. I'm going to try to move it up, but that might not be possible.

[formflier]

The nurse told me I would be able to talk with the doctor when she was admitted to the psych hospital, which obviously didn't happen. 

OK...do you know this nurses name?  Would you recognize her.

This is one of many "avenues" that you need to go down. 

Obviously you want to help your wife, but you are also dealing with a potentially broken (or worse) system.  There are agencies (state medical boards) that are over these kinds of things...but they can't do anything without information and documentation (which you have in spades)

"no more secrets" (in all areas of your life) is something you should take on. 

Obviously..discuss all of this with your T.

How is it you know she has a P..but don't know who it is?

This has to be so hard.  Keep up the good work! 
 

Best,

FF

[babyducks]

am I understanding correctly that at this point,... the only people who know about the generator and the board in the car are you and your wife?

a couple of thoughts to kick around stolencrumbs:

first - this qualifies as an emergency.   call your therapist and leave the message of your wife's plans immediately.     it may not change the date and time of your visit but it will start the conversation.   

have you forwarded the emails you received to your wife's therapist?   and your does your wife's therapist know about this recent hospitalization?   again this qualifies as an emergency.     make repeated calls if you have too.

at this point,.. the way you can help support your wife is to passionately advocate for her and her well being with every medical professional you can.    there is no way to say this artfully so I won't try.     a lot of this will be throwing mud at the walls to see what sticks.    It's likely that the hospital has your wife's medical records which contain her P's name.     request the records.    today.   it's unacceptable that you do not know who is prescribing her medication.   

and I wouldn't waste any time or energy on the nurse at the hospital... I would go right over her head.    I have and would strongly recommend you write a formal level of complaint against the SW to the hospital.    Address it to the president of the hospital, the chief medical office and the chief of psychiatry.     you wife was left alone outside?   not even sure if you were coming to pick her up?   some one who presented as a danger to herself?   

it's a complicated and messy system.    I think you can best help your wife by being her forceful but polite advocate.     

'ducks

[Cat Familiar]

I agree with ‘ducks. Go up the food chain at the hospital and make some noise. The administration  surely would want to manage this issue ASAP.

[babyducks]

do you have a health care proxy?   a durable power of attorney?     have you signed releases so that you can view each other's medical records?     do you have copies of these documents?      are the copies where you can readily grab them?

is there an ombudsman or the equivalent at the hospital?

my suggestion would be to call everyone,...  talk to everyone,   rattle your saber.   you are an educated man StolenCrumbs…. write some kick  letters to everyone who even looks like a health care provider.     be polite.   be firm.   demand answers.    demand action.

[formflier]

and I wouldn't waste any time or energy on the nurse at the hospital... I would go right over her head.    I have and would strongly recommend you write a formal level of complaint against the SW to the hospital.    Address it to the president of the hospital, the chief medical office and the chief of psychiatry.     you wife was left alone outside?   not even sure if you were coming to pick her up?   some one who presented as a danger to herself?   

it's a complicated and messy system.    I think you can best help your wife by being her forceful but polite advocate.     

'ducks

Yes yes and triple yes to everything that ducks has said here.

Clarification.  I'm not suggesting that you "engage" with or "argue with" the nurse, but it is important that you think and do what you can to identify the nurse. 

If nothing else look at the call log on your phone and note the date/time of the call and the number that shows up.

Do you have any memory of speaking to this nurse before, such that you can say "it was the same nurse that xyz"

I also agree that letters should be written to the department heads ducks mentioned.  I would be more than happy to help you write/edit those letters (and I'm sure others would as well).  I realize you have a lot on your plate.

When you send those letters, send them certified return receipt or at least "priority mail" so you have proof they were delivered.  I'm much more of a fan of return receipt because you have a name/signature.

The gist of the letter is that for some reason your wife didn't get the care she needs in this instance and you are sure these people want to immediately correct this and get your wife on the right path.  Stick with this one instance, there will be time later to gripe about the system.

You will want to sign off with saying if you don't get a response within a certain number of business days you will forward this information to the state medical board and/or state attorney general's office.  (some states these are combined)

Hang in there!   

Best,

FF

[formflier]

is there an ombudsman or the equivalent at the hospital?

my suggestion would be to call everyone,...  talk to everyone,   rattle your saber. 

I also agree this is an emergency.  Letters take time.  I'm hoping there is an ombudsman or someone you can call now (seriously..like as soon as you read this) and explain about the detailed plans and action your wife is taking and that she was left outside alone to be picked up. 

Uggg and triple ugg.

Are you staying with your wife until she is rehospitalized?

Best,

FF

[Cat Familiar]

Perhaps a phone call to the hospital administrator tomorrow  with a letter to document and follow up. I like FF’s idea of following up with the state medical board and state attorney general if your concerns are not immediately addressed.

That’s why hospital administrators get paid the big bucks—they need to maintain a high standard of care and not get bad press.

I’m a former alternative newspaper reporter and I would caution you about speaking with my ilk, but your wife’s treatment (rather lack there of for a very serious issue) is just the sort of thing that makes a front page story.

[formflier]

And to clarify.

It's the statement in your letter that without hearing back from them, you will keep going to the board.

Let's say they realize a mistake and take steps to correct it, I'm not sure a "complaint letter" to state medical board is needed.  (well..let's just cross that bridge later/when we get there)

This is an emergency and I'm really hoping persistent phone calls change things tomorrow.

I've worn many hats in my day.  When I was skipper (Commanding Officer) of two Navy shore commands I was also the head of the hospital unit on base.  I regularly looked over patient surveys, in some cases ordered them to be done, brought in outside people to "accredit" various processes (you get the picture)

I got a lot of weird phone calls (many that sadly turned out to be true) about various misdeeds/mistakes and all that.  Never could I even imagine facing the issue of a suicidal person (which we handled from time to time) being discharged and left outside to be picked up.

I still can't quite wrap my head around this..it's that bad. 

Best,

FF

[Gemsforeyes]

Hi SC-

You have access to the house, credit card bills, checkbook, pill bottles, insurance explanation of benefits.  Can you go in there and search that stuff for the name of the psychiatrist, call him / her and push start this stuff?  Tell that psychiatrist what you’ve found?

Be the loudest squeaky wheel ever?

Oh man!  I missed that part... they released her?  I’m so sorry!  I guess my plan won’t work, except if she’s on your healthcare plan, you can look at the EOB’s and see who the psychiatrist is.  That doc needs to “see”her periodically in order to prescribe the medication.

Warmly,
Gems

[Notwendy]

I agree with the others that you should pursue care for your wife as much as you can.

On their part, I want to mention that your wife could be saying anything to them. Without your input, all they have to go on is what she tells them. Legally, if she appeared lucid, and denied any suicidal wishes, they can't keep her hospitalized.

My BPD mom is clever and manipulates her health care providers. She also lies to them. She has had a lot of therapy over the years, all of it ineffective because of this. I know that there are people with BPD who have improved on therapy but I think due to my mother's age ( not much was known about BPD when she was younger) she wasn't well identified and also she isn't motivated - is very much in denial.

She's also secretive. She did not sign over permission for her providers to tell me anything about her medical condition. I tried to approach them with concerns but they could not speak to me at all. Without a consent, perhaps nobody at the hospital could speak to you and she also may have told them not to (my mother does this).

However, my father did sign all medical consents, and when he was ill, I did speak to his providers. When they were planning to send him home, they assumed he was going home to his wife who would take care of him. They didn't know the situation. I did speak up but his doctor didn't believe me. My mother acts put together in public.

It's only recently that I have access to my mother's medical providers. Since she's an elderly widow and I am the child who lives the nearest to her. She can hold it together in public socially but not with someone who is with her for a long time, so her home health care helpers finally see the larger picture and have reported this to her providers.

So back to your situation, Stolencrumbs- your wife was in the hospital briefly. If she's anything like my mother, she feels shame about her situation and doesn't want people to know, and doesn't want the health care team to know what is going on. If this were my mother, she would have been lucid and charming, told a story about her sweet but over protective husband who got overly concerned, denied any suicidal wishes and got herself out.

Now home, what she would want you to do is go along with this with her. It was nothing, promise to be fine. But you know better and if her health care providers are to know anything more, I think you would need to tell them- that is if you are able to. You could also request that she sign medical consents for you.

I think it would help to consult a lawyer about what your obligations are in this situation if you wish to leave the marriage.

[babyducks]

Let's keep this simple for stolencrumbs who has enough stress in his life to deal with.

The hospital administrators or ombudsman or whoever this person is have at least three pieces of information that I think would be helpful to SC.

• the name of the psychiatrist
• the discharge plan
• the risk level that was assessed

In addition Stolencrumbs has information that the psychiatrist probably doesn't have.

• the generator, car, dog leash
• the emails about rehearsing

I'm suggesting that there has to be a way to transfer that information.     NotWendy is correct, if there is no consent to discuss the providers can't talk directly to stolencrumbs.    This doesn't mean that the administrators, or ombudsman or whoever can't talk the psychiatrist.

 

She does have a psychiatrist who is managing her medications. I have no idea who it is. She hasn't and won't talk to me about it.

for me.    In My Opinion.    This is wrong at so many levels it makes my head spin.    From every direction I look at it I see  and major problems.

SC you said upstream that your wife is seriously mentally ill.   She is.   Has been for a while.    I would really urge you to take a more active squeaky wheel approach to finding out exactly what providers are doing or not doing.      and if the SW gets a complaint filed against her... so much the better.    Is not like the SW provided any value added service.

I also agree with NotWendy... see a lawyer.   and put it all on the table.   the mental health stuff as well as the possible split.      as a husband you have rights, responsibilities, options and obligations.

last point.    there is a huge shortage of psychiatrists in the USA right now.    and the shortage has been escalating rapidly as many of the practicing psychiatrists age out or burn out.   don't assume that the psychiatrist is a  doctor.   it very well could be that the P is responsible for over 3k patients.   that's not abnormal.   where I am the nearest child psychiatrist is 3 hours away by car.