Help with Reality Check, and Overwhelm

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

 
Hi All,

I posted in April about filing for Divorce while I was in New York and my separated BPD wife was in Florida.  She now has an apartment in New York and comes here every two weeks, because she has a job in Miami. She filed for divorce in New York, I presume because the child support laws are stronger, but i have the kids living with me for a year and that means i would be the custodial parent.  That is a big problem for her that she is trying to undermine.

Then and now I have significant fear.
Sorry, I posted back then and got some helfpul replies, but I, embarrassingly, did not know how to check for the replies to the post.

Here is my updated POST:
 
Hello,

I've been trying to separate from my BPD wife for years now. I was trying to make it work, then left the house, then back, and forth. I left the city and state we were living in to get some space and a new job. I tried therapeutic separation, then mediation, then collaborative divorce, and they all failed. I read SPLITTING and tried to follow it, but it has been very difficult. I lost my job at least partly due to my ex's distortion campaign, and I've lost about everything else including reputation, career, friends, and community.  She has my therapy journals and other sensitive information that she is blackmailing with. The more I put in boundaries the more she escalates.  

We are now filed for divorce in New York. I have had our teenage sons with me for a year, raising them by myself. I would be the custodial parent, but that is the ultimate abandonment for her. So, she is  insisting on keeping the boys an extra weekend to get a few more nights for custody purposes. She just got fired from her job, and I can't tell whether it is chaos related or intentional.  She has been developing effective negative advocates from her and my former friends, and she is continuing to build a strongly negative stereotype of me as dangerous man that is making it impossible for me to work in my field.  I feel like the corners are coming in on me and I need help.  

I just got an email from her that she found a vape in my oldest son's backpack, and that he is smoking marijuana and drinking in the park with his friends.  He is a senior in High School, and also a super high performing kid. He gets all A's, he's taking all AP classes, and he just got a 1540 on his SAT.  He has been impacted by our relationship, and he moved to New York last year with me after being with his mother for year when I left.  There's a lot there, but I can't tell how to respond to this in the context of our divorce and the developing custody battle. She is making an urgent plea for us to go to therapy with him, mediate, and to put common restraints on our younger son who is a freshman in High School, and also a brilliant outgoing kid.  

I have an attorney that was referred from a friend, but she really doesn't understand what we're dealing with.  I retained the attorney because my wife filed here.  I'm in New York City, but i haven't been able to find an attorney that has this specialty. You would think it would be easy here of all places, but I can't seem to find one, and that is my top priority.  

I've been going through this for years now. And i tried to take a less conflicting way out, and it has failed, miserably.  She is now on an all out campaign. I feel like i have to be really assertive and fast. The marijuana thing is the latest, and it is a complete plea for collaboration, right after her sending false allegations, and threats. I'm scared of losing the little I have including my sons. But more, I am completely traumatized and immobile on every turn and overwhelmed. I have been here before, and with strong boundaries and a lot of recovery and healing work I have gotten to better places, but there is always a new bomb and now it seems even greater.

I have known about this W2O community for some time when I first listened to Walking on Eggshells, and I finally realized what I had been encountering in my relationship.  I am really overwhelmed, and I can't always see or tell what is happening. The FOG comes quick and dense. I lose sense of what is reality. And her volleys really get to me still and confuse me; it takes a lot of time and work to just get functional.  

I would appreciate any support, and especially offerings of attorneys in New York City.  

Thank you,

HowHighTheWall?

[HowHighTheWall?]

 
Hi All,

I posted in April about filing for Divorce while I was in New York and my separated BPD wife was in Florida.  She now has an apartment in New York and comes here every two weeks, because she has a job in Miami. She filed for divorce in New York, I presume because the child support laws are stronger, but i have the kids living with me for a year and that means i would be the custodial parent.  That is a big problem for her that she is trying to undermine.

Then and now I have significant fear.
Sorry, I posted back then and got some helfpul replies, but I, embarrassingly, did not know how to check for the replies to the post.

Here is my updated POST:
 
Hello,

I've been trying to separate from my BPD wife for years now. I was trying to make it work, then left the house, then back, and forth. I left the city and state we were living in to get some space and a new job. I tried therapeutic separation, then mediation, then collaborative divorce, and they all failed. I read SPLITTING and tried to follow it, but it has been very difficult. I lost my job at least partly due to my ex's distortion campaign, and I've lost about everything else including reputation, career, friends, and community.  She has my therapy journals and other sensitive information that she is blackmailing with. The more I put in boundaries the more she escalates.  

We are now filed for divorce in New York. I have had our teenage sons with me for a year, raising them by myself. I would be the custodial parent, but that is the ultimate abandonment for her. So, she is  insisting on keeping the boys an extra weekend to get a few more nights for custody purposes. She just got fired from her job, and I can't tell whether it is chaos related or intentional.  She has been developing effective negative advocates from her and my former friends, and she is continuing to build a strongly negative stereotype of me as dangerous man that is making it impossible for me to work in my field.  I feel like the corners are coming in on me and I need help.  

I just got an email from her that she found a vape in my oldest son's backpack, and that he is smoking marijuana and drinking in the park with his friends.  He is a senior in High School, and also a super high performing kid. He gets all A's, he's taking all AP classes, and he just got a 1540 on his SAT.  He has been impacted by our relationship, and he moved to New York last year with me after being with his mother for year when I left.  There's a lot there, but I can't tell how to respond to this in the context of our divorce and the developing custody battle. She is making an urgent plea for us to go to therapy with him, mediate, and to put common restraints on our younger son who is a freshman in High School, and also a brilliant outgoing kid.  

I have an attorney that was referred from a friend, but she really doesn't understand what we're dealing with.  I retained the attorney because my wife filed here.  I'm in New York City, but i haven't been able to find an attorney that has this specialty. You would think it would be easy here of all places, but I can't seem to find one, and that is my top priority.  

I've been going through this for years now. And i tried to take a less conflicting way out, and it has failed, miserably.  She is now on an all out campaign. I feel like i have to be really assertive and fast. The marijuana thing is the latest, and it is a complete plea for collaboration, right after her sending false allegations, and threats. I'm scared of losing the little I have including my sons. But more, I am completely traumatized and immobile on every turn and overwhelmed. I have been here before, and with strong boundaries and a lot of recovery and healing work I have gotten to better places, but there is always a new bomb and now it seems even greater.

I have known about this W2O community for some time when I first listened to Walking on Eggshells, and I finally realized what I had been encountering in my relationship.  I am really overwhelmed, and I can't always see or tell what is happening. The FOG comes quick and dense. I lose sense of what is reality. And her volleys really get to me still and confuse me; it takes a lot of time and work to just get functional.  

I would appreciate any support, and especially offerings of attorneys in New York City.  

Thank you,

HowHighTheWall?

[HowHighTheWall?]

Hi,

I'm replying to my own post.  I spoke with a couple of attorneys today.  I've been looking for an assertive bulldog atty who can understand what's happening and be pro-active. What I found so far is an attorney who thinks that there is wisdom in my kids, who are happy staying at both of our places and are flexible. She thinks to try and offer something that de-escalates and lets us both get on our feet in New York and return to the financial stuff on annual basis until the kids are emancipated. 

That felt really relieving as a possibility of getting out of the train wreck that could be the custody fight and the financial cost of litigating while we're both not in financial health.
However, again, I'm not clear that this way is not just a seductive fantasy. I've tried so many times before for simple, collaborative solution, but my sense of rationale solution never really worked.  Thoughts?

[kells76]

Hi HHTW and welcome;

So sorry to have to make this quick, but just wanted you to know that people here ARE reading your posts and thinking about you!

I hope to have more time later for a longer reply, but for now, as regards attorneys in NYC:

I'm not in NYC, but some people try avvo.com and post something like "recommended assertive lawyers in NYC experienced in high conflict divorce?" There's also expertlaw.com, which offers free legal advice (though not necessarily from a lawyer) in a message board format somewhat like here.

Good for you for checking with a couple of L's -- better scoping out a few than just one. If you're not entirely satisfied with the low-intensity, "let's collaborate" approach that one seems to offer, it's perfectly OK to check out a few more. You know your situation best -- that it might not be a "cookie-cutter" divorce -- so take some time and legwork now to get an L that will really go to bat for you and your kids.

You probably already know this, but you can just call up a L's office, and then immediately your W can't use them. Also, they can often answer a LOT of your questions over the phone. And, sometimes, you can get a ~30min consultation with them for low cost (no retainer) and get a really good sense of "are they a tenacious bulldog or a flower child let's hold hands" type of L.

So, keep calling around a bit if you're not 100% on the L you spoke with. L's know they won't retain every prospective client, no big deal. Your sense that your divorce won't be "all you need is love" is probably accurate, so listen to your gut.

Hang in there;

kells76

[CoherentMoose]

Hello.  Welcome again.  Congratulations on moving out on finding an assertive attorney!  Others will chime in on how important effective legal advice is in planning your divorce strategy.  Have you considered going very low contact?  Email communications only, perhaps using Our Family Wizard?  Also, please ensure you are taking care of yourself.  Get good sleep, exercise, eat well.  Put your mask on first so you can protect yourself and your children.  What are the ages of your children?  Good luck and please continue sharing your story.  jdc

[daughtersdad]

My experience with the family bar and court system in my state is that they believe all divorces are cookie cutter and that when there is conflict everyone is to blame.  The cookie cutter divorce is reasonable parties that want to get to an end.  The problem with BPD/High conflict divorce is that one of the parties doesn't want that result.  They want to fight.  They want unreasonable.  I think you need to realistically evaluate whether the collaborative solution is something that is realistic for you.  In my own situation, the divorce lasted years.  Ex hired forensic accountants to find the money I "stole and hid" and custody evaluators because I was "a narcissist."  Forensic accountants found nothing.  But even with her expert testifying that he could trace all the money in and out she persisted with the allegation that I had stolen and hid money.  Same with the custody evaluator, that started to head south for her, she got a heads up, and suddenly custody settled (we still fought about money).  I wanted resolution and made repeated and worse settlement offers on the financial.  Fortunately for me, she rejected them all and I got a way better outcome through trial.

Sadly, collaborative only works if both parties want it to work.  If your STBx is BPD or high conflict, collaboration is the sound of one hand clapping.  If it is going to be high conflict, you need to be a warrior and not a shopkeeper.

[MeandThee29]

The cookie cutter divorce is reasonable parties that want to get to an end.  The problem with BPD/High conflict divorce is that one of the parties doesn't want that result.  They want to fight.  They want unreasonable.  I think you need to realistically evaluate whether the collaborative solution is something that is realistic for you.  Sadly, collaborative only works if both parties want it to work.  If your STBx is BPD or high conflict, collaboration is the sound of one hand clapping.  If it is going to be high conflict, you need to be a warrior and not a shopkeeper.

Yes, time will tell, but you don't want a cookie-cutter lawyer either. You want one with a speciality in high conflict divorce. Of course you hope you won't need that, but if you do, you need their insights as to how to make progress when it looks hopeless. Sometimes it's a foot forward and six inches back, but as long as they have a plan and more insight than the run-of-the-mill attorney. Mine never loses his cool or backs off and has anticipated every move. He's in a small firm that specializes in high conflict, so they all get it.

[david]

Don't know NY law but I would think your oldest would be listened to by the courts and can pretty much make his decision as to living arrangements. The younger one would probably be able to do the same.
I live in Pa and at those ages they could go into chambers with both attorneys and talk to the judge.

[ForeverDad]

When interviewing lawyers, besides getting suggestions and possible strategies, it's okay to ask, "If you were in my shoes facing a high conflict and probably protracted divorce, which lawyers would you chose to represent you?"  You could then consult with those recommended ones too.  Lawyers know they won't get every person who walks in the door as a client.

[40days_in_desert]

I echo what david posted. In my state, 14 is the age that the court listens to the wishes of the child. Its not automatic though. If it goes before the judge, he/she will consider the maturity level of the child as to whether they fully comprehend their decision in choosing to live with one parent over the other and the reason(s) why the child wants to live there. Other factors such as the living conditions and the stability of the chosen parent are also taken into consideration. At 16, it pretty much has to be an obvious bad situation for a judge to rule against the wishes of a child. My lawyer told me about a case where a 17 year old child wanted to live with the father and the mother was fighting that. The judge said to the mother, "Your 17 year old has a license and a car? It's going to be hard to make them stay at your house if they don't want to. I can order it but hard to enforce it."
My two oldest (now D18/D15) chose to live with me four years ago and 1.5 years ago respectively. Mom didn't fight it. Now as of 8/30 of this year my youngest three live with me full time too. She partially fought that but since she doesn't have a suitable place for them to stay and once again unemployed, she gave in at the 11th hour. Still cost me another $3,000 but it was worth every penny.

[worriedStepmom]

Right now, do the kids see their mom just every other weekend?  (So she flies to NY just to see them?)

What did she ask for in terms of custody?  Does she want joint legal custody with the same schedule?  Or does she want to move them to Miami with her?

By the time the legal stuff is resolved, it isn't really going to affect your oldest.   Your youngest is going to have approximately 3 years worth of this.  Does he like the current schedule?  Is he doing well on the current schedule?  How is he going to feel when big brother isn't at visits with mom at the same time?

If younger son is doing okay on this schedule, then just propose the status quo continues.  There's no real reason to uproot everything. If younger son is having difficulties, that's a different story.