Hello for the first time

[Grace88]

  I have come to this forum for support from others who understand what it is like to have a loved one with BPD. My child has recently been diagnosed after several years in the mental health services. They struggle with self harm and suicide ideation and are going through a bad patch at the moment. I feel like I need to talk with others who have experienced this as my extended family and friends don't really understand the constant ups and downs of this condition (but they were okay yesterday).

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[FaithHopeLove]

Hello Grace88
Welcome to the group. I am glad you found us. This is exactly the right place for you to be to connect with people who totally get it when it comes to having loved ones with BPD. Can you tell us more about your child? What does this latest bad patch look like? How can we help you get through it?

[Grace88]

Hi thank you for your reply, at the moment they are struggling with suicidal ideation. We had some escalation of self harm over the last couple of weeks and an overdose on Monday night. I saw them on Monday evening and they were in a good mood hanging out with a friend, then we got a call around midnight that they had taken too many of their anti-depressants (not a lethal amount thank goodness). So they had phoned a suicide hot line, and they sent an ambulance to their student accommodation. I met them at the hospital and we spent 14 hours waiting for the crisis team. Unfortunately they just did an assessment and released them back into our care, which is what usually happens. I fear they are losing hope in the mental health teams here. They are on the waiting list for MBT but we don't have a date yet, they also see a therapist every couple of weeks but they say its more of just a general chat, they don't really talk about anything "deep". They are still feeling like this but who knows when or if it will happen again? I hate living in fear of them succeeding one day (we have had many attempts over the last 4 years).

[Grace88]

Also, my child has a diagnosis of ASD which I think complicates matters (according to their psychiatrist). They have suffered from self harm, anxiety and depression for the last 5 years and moved from child & adolescent mental health services to adult mental health. They have a key worker (social worker) they see every couple of weeks and a therapist, the psychiatrist referred them to the PD team for Mentalization Based Therapy so we queried a BPD/EUPD diagnosis with the team and they do believe that they meet most of the criteria.They go through cycles of feeling a bit better for a few months then some stress happens (recently started college) and the self harm/suicide ideation starts to build up again. My child also moved into student accommodation in September which has been a big adjustment and they have found it difficult to regulate their sleep pattern, although they do enjoy having their own space and being more independent. Its also been a big adjustment at home as I have been a sahm for the last few years and have returned to work part-time recently too.

[FaithHopeLove]

I see lots of signs of hope here. First of all they reached out to a hotline when they felt suicidal. That means there is something within them that wants to live. Also they are open to therapy. That is huge. Many of our children are not. On top of that they have a supportive parent. I do know what you mean by living in fear though. I wish I had a good answer for that. I think all we do is do our best and surrender the rest. There are some things in life that are out of our control.

[wendydarling]

Hello Gracie88

Welcome     

I understand.  

I have a question, how was MBT recommended rather than DBT at this point of diagnosis? Was this your DD's choice?

WDx  

[Grace88]

Hi

Hello Gracie88

I have a question, how was MBT recommended rather than DBT at this point of diagnosis? Was this your DD's choice?

WDx 

She was referred to a Self-Harm and PD team and it is the only therapy they offer in our area. I have heard within a carers support group that in the neighbouring trust there is a 2 year waiting list for DBT. I hope this might help so far we have had 2 years of family therapy and she has had CBT, psychotherapy and attended a self-harm group already. She is very open to therapy but struggles to access self-soothing skills in times of crisis, however is getting better at contacting us and reaching out to crisis services thankfully.

[wendydarling]

That is a lot of change for you and your DD, away at college and you back in the workplace, both finding your feet 

Are you in the UK Gracie? I ask as you mention a neighbouring 'trust' that has a 2 year DBT waiting list. Your DD will benefit from MBT building upon her skills base. That is what I am learning continuing professional support and learning is key to building resilience. I thought I'd researched all options in my area years ago, only to find a charity offering free mental health therapies, including DBT to qualifying under 30's. How did I miss that 

She is very open to therapy but struggles to access self-soothing skills in times of crisis, however is getting better at contacting us and reaching out to crisis services thankfully.

That is brilliant your DD is getting better at reaching out and yes my DD also struggled accessing her self soothing skills in times of crisis. It's akin to  building muscles. Your DD is doing her best. Is your DD working with someone who can help reinforce and support her building her self soothing skills and explore new ones?

Has your DD been encouraged through therapy to read any life affirming books she can relate to?  This helped my DD to know she was not alone, it was a springboard once she started reading she was out the starting gate.

I'm glad you are here with us Gracie, it's good to talk and share as we find comfort. This wonderful forum and world class educational resources has been life changing for me our parents, grandparents.

We've got you 

WDx

[Grace88]

Thank you so much for your reply Wendy. We are in the UK, NI to be exact. She is seeing a counsellor but I think she is taking dds lead so not really pushing her at the moment (dd says it's more like a chat) . I have spoken to dd about this and told her she needs to tell her exactly what she would like to explore with her. However at the MBT group into session they said she will have to give this counselling up and I am worried about her not having that support anymore (her asd also complicates matters). Has your dd done mbt/dbt? I have bought her a few books to read and she has been watching some videos on youtube.

[wendydarling]

Gracie, DBT along with MBT stipulate no other therapy/counselling take place during the treatment as this can undermine the outcomes being sought. How long is the waiting list? Ours was 12 months. I rang the head of the mental health team regularly to find out where DD was on the list and especially after every crisis, respectfully and persistently reminding them we were in crisis. I recommend you do this Gracie.

I would expect MBT to more than provide the support you worry your DD will lose through the counsellor.

Yes my 31yrDD has been through DBT, she was diagnosed just short of 27yrs.
She attended an 'emergency bridge' weekly DBT skills group Dec 2015 -June 2016 (this was put in place to support those on the 12 month waiting list)
14 months DBT July 2016 - Sept 2017 (Dec 2016 DD gave up work to concentrate on getting well, focusing on DBT, this was a great decision and a hard one as no one wants to give up their livelihood).
Sept 2017 discharged from DBT and any further treatment by NHS  apart from meds reassessment.
Then a 12 month break in treatment.
5 months weekly DBT skills group refresh with the charity I mentioned Oct 2018-Feb2019.

DD commenced private therapy in July with a therapist certified in DBT and many other therapies.

What does your DD do to self sooth? Does she have a self soothing box? Has she read about mindfulness?

I've been where you are right now Gracie, it is hard, hang in there, things can get better 

Small gentle steps.

WDx

[Grace88]

Thank you for your reply Wendy. I am hoping it won't be too long until the assessment to see if she would be suitable for the MBT group (maybe December), I'll clarify then when the actual treatment is meant to start. She has been told that it us slow and steady as she is impatient and impulsive, wants to get better now. Unfortunately at times when she is in crisis she loses hope that things will improve. I just try to keep encouraging her. She has tried mindfulness uses apps but gets bored with them after a few weeks, I think the cutting gives her a quicker relief so turns back to that. I am coming to realise that the motivation has to come from her and I can't do it for her, I'm trying to be more validating and positive for her. She has gone back to her student accommodation so we will see how this week goes (I have given her a few books and a BPD skills journal to read over half term).

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders