stepparent guilt

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

[Goodness, this is cathartic - I started this with one intent and ended up in tears unpacking what's probably the real issue]

To recap, SD12's uBPDmom was severely emotionally abusive this summer, had a breakdown, and spent most of August in inpatient and then outpatient psychiatric care. For 6 weeks after her release, uBPDmom was radio silent and made some effort to be a better parent. Lately, uBPDmom is backsliding on the parenting app, wavering between waify and the appearance of reasonableness. 

Due to reasons, we were in legal limbo on H's custody modification until this week and just got the draft paperwork.  As best as we can tell, mom is not talking to SD about us or about custody changes, which is a huge positive change.  H told SD in early September that he was working with mom on a new schedule and it might end up being supervised.

So...over the last few weeks, SD12 has been a ball of raw emotion.  She tells her T that everything is fine and nothing is bothering her.

Two weeks ago, she forgot soccer gear at our house and had an epic meltdown.  SD sent H a string of very waify texts apologizing for forgetting.  She also broke down sobbing at her mom's because she thought I'd be mad at her.  When H and I got to the game (with her stuff), she was happy; after each stint on the field she'd come to us for a few minutes and then go sit with her mom.  [This season is the first time in 6 years mom has attended a soccer game.  SD matter-of-factly told her T that mom spent the whole game on her phone.]

SD also erupted, screaming, at S10 multiple times.  She told her T that she's mad at S10 because he picks at D13 - even though it doesn't bother D13. 

There was another incident yesterday, and in the recounting I found out that earlier in the day, S10 corrected a friend who called SD12 his "sister" ("STEPsister").  SD started to get emotional and justify her place ("I've gone to school here for almost 2 years now!").  I pulled her into my lap and whispered "It doesn't matter what anyone says.  You are MINE just as much as he is, and nothing will ever, ever change that."    She broke down sobbing, and I repeated that over and over until she finally calmed down.    [S10 was shocked she was so upset. I made him promise not to say that again in front of SD, and we can unpack my invalidation of him with his T.]

With my T, I've been working on the guilt I feel that SD turns to me instead of her mother every single time she has a choice.  While I was comforting her, a little voice in my head kept telling me that SD12 isn't mine, and by using this language I am attempting to alienate her from uBPDmom.  I told the voice to shove it and embraced the fact that I am that child's mom, even if I'm not her mother.

I'm a little shaken to realize that SD12 isn't completely secure that she belongs.  I don't know whether this is bratty S10 inadvertently reinforcing some negative messages from uBPDmom, or whether we've missed doing something to reassure her - or whether she picked up on my feelings of guilt about my place and interpreted that as a rejection.

Has anyone else felt this kind of stepparent guilt?  Or had a child who felt insecure like this?

[worriedStepmom]

[Goodness, this is cathartic - I started this with one intent and ended up in tears unpacking what's probably the real issue]

To recap, SD12's uBPDmom was severely emotionally abusive this summer, had a breakdown, and spent most of August in inpatient and then outpatient psychiatric care. For 6 weeks after her release, uBPDmom was radio silent and made some effort to be a better parent. Lately, uBPDmom is backsliding on the parenting app, wavering between waify and the appearance of reasonableness. 

Due to reasons, we were in legal limbo on H's custody modification until this week and just got the draft paperwork.  As best as we can tell, mom is not talking to SD about us or about custody changes, which is a huge positive change.  H told SD in early September that he was working with mom on a new schedule and it might end up being supervised.

So...over the last few weeks, SD12 has been a ball of raw emotion.  She tells her T that everything is fine and nothing is bothering her.

Two weeks ago, she forgot soccer gear at our house and had an epic meltdown.  SD sent H a string of very waify texts apologizing for forgetting.  She also broke down sobbing at her mom's because she thought I'd be mad at her.  When H and I got to the game (with her stuff), she was happy; after each stint on the field she'd come to us for a few minutes and then go sit with her mom.  [This season is the first time in 6 years mom has attended a soccer game.  SD matter-of-factly told her T that mom spent the whole game on her phone.]

SD also erupted, screaming, at S10 multiple times.  She told her T that she's mad at S10 because he picks at D13 - even though it doesn't bother D13. 

There was another incident yesterday, and in the recounting I found out that earlier in the day, S10 corrected a friend who called SD12 his "sister" ("STEPsister").  SD started to get emotional and justify her place ("I've gone to school here for almost 2 years now!").  I pulled her into my lap and whispered "It doesn't matter what anyone says.  You are MINE just as much as he is, and nothing will ever, ever change that."    She broke down sobbing, and I repeated that over and over until she finally calmed down.    [S10 was shocked she was so upset. I made him promise not to say that again in front of SD, and we can unpack my invalidation of him with his T.]

With my T, I've been working on the guilt I feel that SD turns to me instead of her mother every single time she has a choice.  While I was comforting her, a little voice in my head kept telling me that SD12 isn't mine, and by using this language I am attempting to alienate her from uBPDmom.  I told the voice to shove it and embraced the fact that I am that child's mom, even if I'm not her mother.

I'm a little shaken to realize that SD12 isn't completely secure that she belongs.  I don't know whether this is bratty S10 inadvertently reinforcing some negative messages from uBPDmom, or whether we've missed doing something to reassure her - or whether she picked up on my feelings of guilt about my place and interpreted that as a rejection.

Has anyone else felt this kind of stepparent guilt?  Or had a child who felt insecure like this?

[kells76]

There's a lot to unpack there for sure, but I wondered about this:

For 6 weeks after her release, uBPDmom was radio silent

I'm a little shaken to realize that SD12 isn't completely secure that she belongs.  I don't know whether this is bratty S10 inadvertently reinforcing some negative messages from uBPDmom, or whether we've missed doing something to reassure her - or whether she picked up on my feelings of guilt about my place and interpreted that as a rejection.

I wonder if there was finally room for everyone else's feelings...

It's like being in an unrelenting crisis for years -- you're just in survival mode. But once the crisis lifts, it's not eating up all the resources any more.

Maybe it's unsettling for SD12 to no longer have to funnel all her resources to Mom's needs... 6 weeks is a long time to not have to take care of someone any more. The whole "structure" and "routine" of taking care of Mom, however unhealthy that was, was gone. Change of structure is hard for our stepkiddos, so it could be (a) a response to a "new routine", and (b) a "now there's REALLY room for my feelings" sort of thing.

Wouldn't surprise me if SD12 has struggled with feelings of not belonging this whole time, but everyone's feelings and energy got sucked up by Mom. Now there's not "Mom's shadow" covering up those feelings any more.

I would suspect that if S10 has "gotten away" with comments like that in the past, perhaps SD12 didn't react because, again, she was so focused on her mom -- or maybe, somehow, that focus on Mom "magnetically" diverted feelings she would've had about those comments onto another situation. Now that that's off the table...

Anyway, just some quick thoughts. It doesn't surprise me that now that the "room is clear", SD12 is taking up some space.

Doesn't make it easier. 

[worriedStepmom]

That's an interesting way to look at it, lnl.  I will think about that more, and about how we can better support SD12.

[CoherentMoose]

Has anyone else felt this kind of stepparent guilt?  Or had a child who felt insecure like this?

While I cannot answer your question on guilt, I can tell you that as the son of a man who adopted me and my two brothers, he was the best thing that happened to me.  My two brothers agree.  My dad passed last year at age 83 and he adopted us when I was 6 so we had a lot of years with him.  I say that to let you know you are important in your SDs life.  You make a difference.  jdc 

[livednlearned]

That's an interesting way to look at it, lnl.  

That was kells' amazing insight   Credit where credit is due.  

I was wondering if the tears were because it can hurt to hear good messages when you've had a lifetime hearing bad ones. It takes a lot of vulnerability to open your heart to positive messages if you think you're a bad apple.

Also, I think you or kells76 mentioned here that it can take 5-6 years for a family to feel blended, and that struck me in your story. That you were telling S10 to stop it with the technicalities, and comforted SD12 with what is true: you guys are family. Full stop. She belongs.

Do you feel guilty for wanting to be SD12's go-to person over her mom? Or guilty for being her go-to person... It sounds like both?

[worriedStepmom]

I can't read!  My apologies - kells, thank you

Do you feel guilty for wanting to be SD12's go-to person over her mom? Or guilty for being her go-to person... It sounds like both?

Both.

For the first 6 years, there was a pretty clear delineation of stepmom vs mom, set by me.  That line started to blur last summer, and now it no longer exists.  I do all the mom stuff - even the tasks I explicitly set aside for uBPDmom (like haircuts), uBPDmom now refuses to do.  

For D13, I plan to invite her stepmom to all the girl milestones (shopping for her first formal dress, etc).  That is not an option for SD.  I would dearly love to share those with her - but then mom can't/won't go.  So, guilt for wanting to deprive mom.  Then added guilt because SD judges her mom against my example, and her mom doesn't measure up.

It doesn't help that after the events of this summer I think uBPDmom is an unfit and unredeemable parent. uBPDmom has always accused me of wanting to terminate her parental rights and adopt SD.   For the first time, I'd be okay with that plan.   Guilt - because in my heart I've fulfilled uBPDmom's prophecy.

My T and I have just started working on radical acceptance of uBPDmom and undoing the residue of 8 years of mom's gaslighting.

ETA - and if I, the adult, am having this hard a time coming to terms with the shift in roles, I very much wonder - and worry - about SD.  She is essentially rejecting her mom in small ways repeatedly, and I'm sure she gets hell about it. 

[mart555]

Could be as simple as your SD grieving the "loss" of her mom...   

My youngest one (now 11) has had a difficult time with that.  He missed his mom quite a bit but that seems to have went away.  All he had with her was a few emails over 3 months.  I have mixed feelings.. quite sad but at the same time it's nice to see him happy.  Not having to worry about any of this. 

[kells76]

Could be as simple as your SD grieving the "loss" of her mom...   

Interesting insight from mart555...

If your SD was worked up about your S10's references to sister/stepsister, maybe part of what was getting to her was what "it would MEAN" if she were "really part of the family"... because it would "mean" a LOT about the reality about her mom. I.e., "If I really belong in this family, it's because I don't belong with my mom". And all that baggage.

Hmmm...

[Grady]

I think it's hard to want to take her mom's place, but you wouldn't have done that had BPD been the mom SD needs and deserves.  You have given her so many chances...above and beyond.  As you said, you and your ex's wife work together for the good of the kids.  If you could with BPD, you would.  But  you can't.  Please try not to feel guilty about that.  She made her bed...this is not on you.  Of course you have compassion for others, but you are trying to give your SD the best you can to compensate.  Your SD has learned that biological mom doesn't mean mom.  Mom can be many different people.  I'm sure it's hard with the blended family.  I have a long way to go to really deal with that.  So perhaps a conversation with your S will help.  Hang in there.  You are doing it right.

[worriedStepmom]

maybe part of what was getting to her was what "it would MEAN" if she were "really part of the family"... because it would "mean" a LOT about the reality about her mom. I.e., "If I really belong in this family, it's because I don't belong with my mom". And all that baggage.

SD wholeheartedly embraced the custody change last year (which meant changing schools as well as less time with mom).  My guess is that she feels like she belongs to/with us but she is worried that we don't think that.  So she has mom, who is convinced that SD belongs with her even though SD doesn't want to be there, vs us, where SD thinks she belongs but might think we don't feel the same way.

I had a long talk with S10 last night about family.  He admitted he lashed out because he was hurt that SD doesn't want to play with him as much more.  As far as he's concerned, she's his sister just as much as D13. 

Could be as simple as your SD grieving the "loss" of her mom...   

I wonder...since mom was trying to improve, if that made SD sad.  Kiddo knows that mom always reverts to bad behavior.  It's got to be hard to see glimpses of the mom she wants yet know that it is just temporary.  Mom is capable of it - she just can't keep it up.

[I Am Redeemed]

Perhaps SD12 is jealous that S10 has you as his "real" mom, and perhaps she felt rejected by his clarification- "step" means "not real" sister.

She may also feel conflicted and guilty, as you do, about you being her go to person.

Also, and this just popped into my head, maybe she thinks that the only reason you are stepping up and being a mom to her is because her mom is so incapable. Maybe she thinks that if her mom were a better mom, that you would not be interested a mother/daughter relationship with her. Maybe she feels your support comes from pity, and that you might have preferred her mom to be the mom so you didn't have to do it.

Kids can fill in the gaps sometimes and have themselves thinking all kinds of things that were not even on the adult's radar.

[livednlearned]

I admire how aware you are of the guilt. Knowing that it's there, do you think it changes how you respond or don't respond to SD12? It doesn't seem to put brakes on how you treat her, or does it? Does guilt change the way you feel when you're with her?

I'm curious how guilt would influence the sense of intimacy in a relationship, or the bond. That feeling of emotional safety.

[Notwendy]

I think I can understand the guilt, but as the child of a BPD mother who didn't really show motherly affection to me, I think you have given your SD a great gift. If it were me at age 12, I would have cried too- cries of relief, but also fear. When something that seems so good happens, I would also fear there was another side to it. BPD mom had her good moments with us. It was amazing when "good mommy" was present, but "good mommy" could change in an instant.

I would have also been hysterical if I had forgotten something like the soccer clothes. An error was the crime of the century in my home. Leaving a toy out could set off BPD mom. The "punishment" often was greater than the "crime".

I can also relate to feeling unwanted and as if I didn't belong. I didn't feel safe or secure with BPD mom.

Other mothers may not have known it, but they "mothered" me. It came natural to them. I recall having a stomach ache at a friend's house. Her mother heard me throw up in the bathroom and came in to check on me. She held a cool wet cloth to my forehead and comforted me. This is such a brief incident, likely long forgotten by her. She has probably done this dozens of times with her own kids. It's a memory for me because- my own mother didn't do this and even this small gesture was memorable. I recall my aunt taking me shopping for clothes. My mother didn't like to do this.

It makes an impression, even if we are adults. My father's family "mothered" me. I was fortunate to spend some time with them as a child. At my father's funeral, his sister comforted me. My own mother did not. I thanked her for all the mothering she did for me. Her response was " it was nothing, I wish I could have done more". She didn't think she did much because it seemed natural to her. But to me, it meant a lot.

I can sort of relate to the guilt, because I have "mothered" children besides my own. But rather than guilt, I feel sad that their own mothers could not have done these small things because they were meaningful to me. I don't have a step child, but I have stepped in to help on occasion with my children's friends if a parent was unable to. I have taken my children's friends shopping,  or helped them get ready for prom, or driven them somewhere, always respectful of having their parents' permission.  Little things like that, because I remember that someone did them for me, and it made such a positive impression. I realize that this is something their mothers should do for them, but for whatever reason, if they are not able to-- the need is still there.

Bless you for stepping in and meeting that need.

[worriedStepmom]

I truly appreciate all of your perspectives.  I am making a list of things both to bring up with SD's T and with mine.

Kids can fill in the gaps sometimes and have themselves thinking all kinds of things that were not even on the adult's radar.

This is my big fear.  I think I need to leave this to the T.  I have no idea how to try to finesse this out of her.

always respectful of having their parents' permission.

I mother a few other kids when they need it (and their parents embrace that).  uBPDmom, however, has always been quite clear that she doesn't want me doing anything for her child - up to and including make SD's lunch while SD is in my home (that was the first time I ever hung up on uBPDmom).

Knowing that it's there, do you think it changes how you respond or don't respond to SD12?

No.  The emotional intimacy has deepened.  I think the last year of stepping up to protect SD and be the mom has solidified that.  She is mine.
There are some differences in how I interact with her rather than the other two kids because H and I are respectful of each other's roles (if we're both at home, H takes the lead on tucking her in at night and I take the lead with the others; SD has more one-on-one time with H and I tend to have a bit more with the others, etc).    I have always assumed all the kids understood why this was but I may have to ask.

uBPDmom brought SD to today's soccer game (and she remembered a water bottle!).  I did my usual fussing over SD.  SD spent all of her time off the field with us. She excitedly told us about the things she did with her mom today (this is unusual - mom mostly ignores her).  I didn't feel the slightest bit guilty, which made me irritated with myself.  My feelings shouldn't rest on whether mom stepped up that day.   

[mart555]

I wonder...since mom was trying to improve, if that made SD sad.  Kiddo knows that mom always reverts to bad behavior.  It's got to be hard to see glimpses of the mom she wants yet know that it is just temporary.  Mom is capable of it - she just can't keep it up.

It might bring back memories from how her mom was...  might get her hopes up only for that to disappear soon after.  Must feel like losing your mom every time. 

[Notwendy]

I didn't feel the slightest bit guilty, which made me irritated with myself.  My feelings shouldn't rest on whether mom stepped up that day.  

Good. I was hoping that my post would help you to not feel guilty. When I mentioned I had parent permission, it was because it was a different situation, but you are a step parent, you are married to the child's father and she's in your home when he has custody.

Also, if what her mother says to you isn't reasonable- such as not making a school lunch when she's with you, you don't need permission to do what is reasonable (IMHO).

And if she seems to prefer you, then that is what it is. I would have also done the same- I preferred to be with my father's extended family than with my BPD mother. Why not? I felt loved and safe with them. If your SD feels loved and safe with you, it's a good thing.

[ForeverDad]

My parents and their siblings grew up before and during the Depression.  Paternal grandpa married, had one child, then his wife died.  He remarried to my grandma and they had four children.  Then he died and she remarried and had four more children.  The youngest weren't even blood related to the first.

But we all knew to never once call them step siblings - they were family!

Of course, that was old school, and the spouses had died, not divorced.  Still, that was something to model...