Finding SS3

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

This thread was split from a previous discussion found here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=339481.30

Hi Guys, just a little update.  H did call CPS last week.  We got a response on Saturday that said the case was "referred for appropriate action".  So, it was very vague and I'm not sure what that means.  H finally met with his L today.  She didn't think CPS would do much if they can't find her.  L basically gave H a hard time for doing everything he did and said it would have been much easier had he called when she was still staying in hotels or camping.  Regardless, she felt they had a good case to get a 90 day emergency custody and then they could work on a more permanent situation.  She feels the shelter (if BPD really did go there) would get her free legal counsel.  There is no reason to file for contempt because that will take longer even though she is in clear violation.  The L's biggest things to help with the case are that BPD's parent's filed and got emergency custody of her other son (which shows the courts already felt she wasn't fit to parent) and the whole incident where SS was found wandering outside the hotel alone in just pj bottoms and no shoes.  That shows clear and blatant neglect.  L did say the courts will be upset with H and all the things he went along with and wouldn't think highly of me either as I "let these things happen".  L is planning on filing the emergency order on Wednesday morning.  So, we will see how it goes.  

[Grady]

This thread was split from a previous discussion found here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=339481.30

Hi Guys, just a little update.  H did call CPS last week.  We got a response on Saturday that said the case was "referred for appropriate action".  So, it was very vague and I'm not sure what that means.  H finally met with his L today.  She didn't think CPS would do much if they can't find her.  L basically gave H a hard time for doing everything he did and said it would have been much easier had he called when she was still staying in hotels or camping.  Regardless, she felt they had a good case to get a 90 day emergency custody and then they could work on a more permanent situation.  She feels the shelter (if BPD really did go there) would get her free legal counsel.  There is no reason to file for contempt because that will take longer even though she is in clear violation.  The L's biggest things to help with the case are that BPD's parent's filed and got emergency custody of her other son (which shows the courts already felt she wasn't fit to parent) and the whole incident where SS was found wandering outside the hotel alone in just pj bottoms and no shoes.  That shows clear and blatant neglect.  L did say the courts will be upset with H and all the things he went along with and wouldn't think highly of me either as I "let these things happen".  L is planning on filing the emergency order on Wednesday morning.  So, we will see how it goes.  

[worriedStepmom]

I'm so glad that he took action (I assume) and contacted the lawyer.  I'm glad that the L will be filing an emergency petition soon.

She's right, though - no one has been acting solely in S's best interests.  You aren't biologically related to him...and that's tough.

I will keep my fingers crossed that S can be found and returned to your home.

[Grady]

Thanks Worried.  Yes, H made the move and started doing what he needs to do.  He is determined to do what he needs to do to get his S back.

[Grady]

The judge granted the emergency petition today so now H has sole legal and physical custody for 90 days.  The judge also authorized the police to assist H in finding his S.  So, H is on his way to the police in the county where we think BPD is.  Apparently, if the police can't find him, they will issue an Amber Alert.  I really hope it doesn't come to that but we really have no idea where they are...some shelter, her parents, her brother's house (in another state)? 

[kells76]

Hi Grady;

It would seem that the authorities think your H has a solid case for sole custody. I hope that is something of a relief.

Apparently, if the police can't find him, they will issue an Amber Alert.

This seems big to me. Remind me which authority said this will happen? Judge? Lawyer? Chief of police?

I don't think the cops do these "just for fun" or "just because a parent wants one". I'd encourage you to "open doors" for the Amber Alert if/when it comes to that. So sorry that your SS is in this situation where an AA seems to be warranted... but it's for a good reason. You and your DH wouldn't be the bad guys.

We had to do a manhunt for a family member in the recent past (though with no police help). It's very stressful. What kind of support do you have? Do you have a somewhat emotionally removed, yet trusted friend/family member who could do "incident command" in the "map room" and organize folks? Or are the police taking over the majority of the logistics?

Let me know if it would be helpful for you to talk structure/logistics of search at all. I'll share what I learned.

And P.S., take care of yourself in all this. That's how you can TRULY help others.

    

kells76

[worriedStepmom]

I'm glad he got at least temporary sole custody.

I hope that the S will be found soon.

Please please please find some time to take care of you.

[Grady]

Kells - Yes, I read the document his L put together and it was rock solid.  She used a lot of texts BPD wrote to H that definitely show she's unstable, neglectful, etc.  So, we were pretty confident the judge would rule in H's favor. 

I think his L told him that if the police can't locate SS, they will have to issue an Amber Alert.  But, the police would head that.  I have to imagine she couldn't have just disappeared into the night.  She doesn't have the financial means to do so.  So, it may take a few days, but I imagine the police will be able to find SS.  We live near many states so she easily could have him in a neighboring state.  But, then again, she has no car or money to get him there.  So, who knows...

Thanks Worried.  I am trying to take care of myself.  I just had a four day weekend and didn't do much of anything other than relax and binge watch some shows.  Hopefully this will give me what I need to deal with whatever comes.  Work is also quite busy so when I'm here, I focus and that keeps me distracted.  Plus, I really like my job and the people I work with so that helps as well. 

I'll let you all know what happens.

[Grady]

Ugh.  So BPD's parents told the police she is in a safe house until Dec 2nd and wouldn't reveal the location.  The police say there is nothing more they can do.  H's L is reaching out social services to see if they can verify if SS is there.  If so, then L may need to bring the director in from the safe house to meet with the judge to implore her to follow the ruling and bring SS.  I guess they won't tell the police where the safe house in case there is a leak where the location is and risk people's safety.  While I get that at some level, come on.  H doesn't need to know the location.  It's actually better for him not to know.  All he wants is for someone to bring him his son.  So, we will see what happens today.

I was actually surprised that H is handling this calmly.  He's incredibly frustrated, but doesn't seem angry.  Of course he can't focus on his business (which he needs to do badly) or sleep, but hopefully this will end soon.  BPD's dad told the police that she was in the process of filing things as well.  My guess is that it's part of the safe house requirements.  If she is claiming this abuse, she is going to have to work with their legal aids to pursue things.  But, nothing is filed and she has no proof of anything so I can't imagine it will go anywhere.  And since H has the ruling in his favor, I assume the burden is now on her. 

[livednlearned]

since H has the ruling in his favor, I assume the burden is now on her. 

 

Have you read Splitting? It might be a good idea to get your hands on a copy -- there's a bunch in that book about custody disputes, not just divorce, that could be helpful.

It's not uncommon for BPD sufferers to file false allegations. I understand the assumption that the burden is on her but I've also read completely stunning outcomes that make no sense. What you have in your favor is that H acted first and is a few steps ahead. That advantage can disappear quickly if you let down your guard too soon.

Really great to hear that things look positive for you all while this unfolds.

 

LnL

[Grady]

That's scary LnL.  I have to tell myself that karma will eventually get people who do things like that. 

So, H's L got another emergency order signed by the judge stating the safe house has to disclose if SS is there.  If he is, they are required to work with the police to get SS to H.  The police were also told they have the authority to inquire at any shelter/mental health facility in the state to see if SS is there.  If they can't find him, they need to take additional action.  So, hopefully this is what the safe house/police need to comply.  I just don't know if she will somehow find out and run (not that she has anywhere to go)...

[Deb]

My dBPD sister kidnapped my youngest niece and fled to a DV shelter. They refused to say if niece and sister were there. Until the police contacted the director and said that if niece was not returned ASAP they would have no choice but to come and look for her.  Within a few hours,  my sister  brought niece to her lawyer's office.  I'm sure the shelter people were not happy as my sister did a good victim impersonation.  But my niece was safe from the abuse she would have recieved if my sister had gotten custody.  

[ForeverDad]

I separated in late 2005.  I gave the police a recording of spouse threatening my life before and after I called 911, she even hung up on them and threw the handset in my direction.  It broke and I never saw it again.  Well, she was arrested and I got a temp protection order assigning me the house.  As soon as she got out she rushed over to family court and filed for protection from me.  My court didn't handle children and so she was able to file for protection in her ex parte temp order.

CPS saw "no concerns" with me and so at the first joint hearing she failed to block me but her temp custody/parenting order left me with alternate weekends until the final decree some 2 years later.

So there I was in a house by myself most of the time, CPS had no concerns about me and yes she was in a domestic abuse residence for women named "House of Peace" with a P.O. Box address.  In a month or two she found a friend to live with and at every exchange my by-then 4 year old son would come running to me and be returned in tears begging to stay with me.

My advice, if you are able to get a good parenting order, at first just on emergency or ex parte basis, don't ever Gift It Away thinking you will be seen as a Nice Guy or Nice Gal.  Court doesn't care whether you're magnanimous or not.  (The person behaving badly generally doesn't get consequences and the person behaving well generally doesn't get credit.)  So the only time to weaken your proper position is if you have to, not to look nice, forgiving, or whatever.  If you Gift Away something you should have kept control of, it's so hard to get it back.

So when in doubt or pressured to make a deal, keep foremost in your mind the best interests of the children.  Parents are adults and can/should handle limits.  The kids need the best we can give them.

[Grady]

Thanks for your stories.  Well, the saga continues here.  Social services told L that BPD was on a waiting list for a safehouse, but not in one.  And she only asked for one a week ago (she's been gone over 3 weeks).  And there are about 10 people ahead of her so the wait could be pretty long.  She also said there is no record of her at any shelter in the county.  So, unless she went to another county (which seems unlikely), her family is lying and she was probably hiding out in their basement when the police came.  I guess the police can't go inside and search without a warrant.  L told H to drive back up (we live an hour away in another county) and file missing person reports for both BPD and SS.  So, he did that last night.  The police were supposedly going to her parents house again, her brother's house (in a neighboring state), and her old neighbor/best friend to check for SS.  We didn't hear back from the police so I assume they didn't find them. 

So, now what?  I don't think there is much more the police can do.  I can't imagine she is anywhere else as she has no money/car/etc. to go anywhere else and she always relies on others to do everything for her.  Her family has no money either to give her.  H is always optimistic and in denial about so much of this.  He seems to think this can't last too long and she can't really stay hidden for much longer.  I am a realist and am concerned we won't see SS for months at a minimum.  My only thought is to hire a PI, but we really can't afford it.  But, if we don't have any other options? 

[kells76]

You may have already looked at this, but here are the AMBER Alert criteria:

Summary of Department of Justice Recommended Criteria

There is reasonable belief by law enforcement that an abduction has occurred.
The law enforcement agency believes that the child is in imminent danger of serious bodily injury or death.
There is enough descriptive information about the victim and the abduction for law enforcement to issue an AMBER Alert to assist in the recovery of the child.
The abduction is of a child aged 17 years or younger.
The child’s name and other critical data elements, including the Child Abduction flag, have been entered into the National Crime Information Center (NCIC) system.

So you guys have already met (1), possibly (2), (3), and (4). It sounds like (5) is something police would do?

and this

What can I do if my child goes missing?

If your child goes missing you should immediately contact your local law enforcement agency. After you have reported your child missing to law enforcement, call the National Center for Missing & Exploited Children at 1-800-THE-LOST (1-800-843-5678). More information about available resources can be found at www.missingkids.org/MissingChild.

both from amberalert.gov

If law enforcement thinks your case merits an AMBER Alert, maybe keep pushing that with your L.

I guess the police can't go inside and search without a warrant.  L told H to drive back up (we live an hour away in another county) and file missing person reports for both BPD and SS.  So, he did that last night.  The police were supposedly going to her parents house again, her brother's house (in a neighboring state), and her old neighbor/best friend to check for SS.  We didn't hear back from the police so I assume they didn't find them. 

OK, if I'm reading this correctly, it sounds like your L having H file the MPR is a step towards getting the warrant? Maybe double check with the L for clarity?

And it sounds like no warrant is needed in the AMBER Alert process?

So... I'm no LEO by any means. But this sort of sounds like working two angles at the same time, which could be good. And it seems like if the AMBER Alert could be "issued" or whatever, then the "try to get a warrant" tactic would move to priority #2? Someone jump in if I'm misunderstanding how this works.

It really seems like a lot of "big tidal waves" are building up in your ocean, and it's a matter of which one will crash  on Mom and when, but something will, if the waves are "fed" enough water.

And maybe talk with L about how specifically a PI could help you guys achieve either goal (1, get the warrant for police to search in-laws' place, or 2, issue AMBER Alert). L might say "nothing PI finds will help achieve either goal" and then you'll know not to hire one, or might say "Have PI focus on documenting P, Q, and R; that will be enough for Goal 1".

I know it'd be a lot of lawyer time... but it seems like now or never.

So much on your guys' shoulders. 

[Grady]

Thanks Kells.  That's a lot of good info.  I think the L's reasoning for filing missing person reports was because they obviously aren't where her family said they were so they are missing and this would be something the police would have to look into.  I do think we have the criteria for the Amber Alert so I will see if H can speak with his L about that.  H said CPS called him this morning as well and they are going to try to find SS as well.  I don't know if CPS can do more than police...something has to give right?  It just all seems to surreal.

[kells76]

It just all seems to surreal.

I get it. When our family member (now-former BIL) went missing, it was like my brain totally switched from "everyday kells76" to "android mono-focused gettin' it done kells76". I "knew" I was tired but it registered as "irrelevant". Almost like I was someone else I was watching do all this stuff. I think the surreality helps us survive and make it through until there's time to process it all later on. So, it's OK that it's surreal. Maybe you can "thank yourself" for helping you do what needs to be done, if that makes sense.

H said CPS called him this morning as well and they are going to try to find SS as well.  I don't know if CPS can do more than police...something has to give right?

It seems smart to keep escalating this from all angles. So, now you have 3 paths converging: police getting a warrant to search in-laws' place, H talking to L about AMBER Alert, and CPS looking for SS.

Is there a case # with the police? Make sure to have that to give to CPS (and, when time comes, AMBER Alert people?). Maybe see how "coordination" between these groups works. Is there a point person in each agency that knows the other agency is also looking? IDK if it "has to" be you/H but it may need to be you guys "coordinating" at first, making sure everyone knows everyone else who's looking.

This seems really good for SS that basically every agency that hears about his situation decides "He needs to be looked for, found, and brought to Dad". This seems REALLY positive.

And yes, it IS surreal. It's like "this happens to people on CSI, not us". I can relate.

How are your D's doing?

[kells76]

Is there a case # with the police? Make sure to have that to give to CPS

And maybe vice versa: if there's a CPS case #, make sure the police know about it.

[Grady]

Thanks so much Kells.  Those are all great points.  I will speak with H about them.  Right now, he is incredibly depressed.  He can only work in "go mode" for so long.  I am proud of how he's been able to step up this week...should have done it two months ago, but at least he's finally doing something.  I need to be careful with how much I can push him at this point. 

Yes, I'm sure none of us could have ever imagined we would be in the middle of all these battles.  It's just so crazy. 

The D's seem to be doing okay.  Luckily, teenagers can compartmentalize very easily and the world revolves around them.  One D14 never says anything.  Another D14 seems to really miss SS and is trying to support H as much as she can.  D11 is more matter of fact and practical about the situation.  I think she thinks H was stupid to allow SS to go with BPD in the first place and a lot of this is due to his poor decisions.  She has compassion, but not as much. 

[kells76]

Right now, he is incredibly depressed.  He can only work in "go mode" for so long.  I am proud of how he's been able to step up this week...should have done it two months ago, but at least he's finally doing something.

Totally understandable. Sounds like the emotional wave is hitting him now (versus down the road, as maybe it will for you?).

It can be hard to know how long these searches will take. I want to encourage you to get as much tangible support as you can with the logistics. Like you've seen, the police and agencies do a lot in their purviews, but there's still more "in-between" stuff that is kind of left to us. What kinds of people do you have in your life that you think you could lean on for help with logistics? I mean, yeah, maybe it does end up being you doing a lot for your H, but maybe there's also someone you guys know and trust who could run the "map room" as it were?

With us, it was me for a while (which worked, I was able to emotionally detach more than, say, my mom or my sister), and then it was former BIL's best friend running things. Does your H have a trusted friend who you could turn to for some more support?

And we're here, too -- ask anything.

...

Glad the D's are doing OK... sounds like their routines aren't too disrupted? Probably for the best that their lives stay "normal-ish" and focused on them.

...

Still here for you;

kells76

[kells76]

Me again, another thought 

I'm not sure who all in your life knows about what's going on, but I want you to know that when friends and neighbors hear about the situation, they generally want to help. I'd encourage you to accept that help -- even ask for it -- right now. It could be something like them bringing over dinner, or taking the kids to school, or doing your dishes, or something else. Just allow yourself to ask for support, and accept it when it comes. People DO want to care about you.

 

[Grady]

Another update...apparently social services located her and the police told L that SS is fine.  I am thinking maybe she found a safe house in another county or something and is spewing lots of lies because they are hesitating or not doing what they need to per the order.  And the police say they can't say anything more.  So, L is going to the courthouse to get all the official paperwork and summons and walk it to the police so they know they have no choice.  I believe that's what is happening.  This is all in real time so it's hard to decipher with the little tidbits I'm getting two hours away at work. 

Yes, support would be great.  Leaning on people would be great.  But, that isn't really an option for us.  Yes my family supports me, but they don't know all the nitty gritty.  I have a couple of friends who know what is going on and H has one incredibly dysfunctional friend who knows.  But that's it.  Remember this all started with H having an affair so our reconciliation didn't go over so well with a lot of people.  There has been a lot of judgment.  And I get it.  And I have to respect that people don't agree with the choices I made in deciding to work through things.  Some of my close friendships have become more superficial and lessened to aquaintances.  It's sad but my T and I worked through that a long time ago.  And H lost all his friends because of the isolation with the abuse.  His family is not helpful and doesn't get it.  And they aren't local nor are my parents.  So, it's fallen on me to be the doer for most everything.  At some point, I'm sure all this will hit me and I will need more help, but seeing my T weekly has been enough for now. 

I'll keep you guys posted.

[worriedStepmom]

I'm so glad there is confirmation that SS is safe.

[Grady]

Wow, it's amazing how the stories change from moment to moment.  Apparently she has been at a safe house since Oct 2nd with SS.  The safe house finally sent a letter confirming this so now it's on the police to go get him.  We are all worried she will run before the police get there so time is critical. 

I just hope for a safe and trauma free return of SS.  I'm sure once that bridge it crossed, it will be something else.  Just ready for a nice boring life.  How amazing does that sound to everyone.  No drama, just boring status quo?

[kells76]

L is going to the courthouse to get all the official paperwork and summons and walk it to the police so they know they have no choice.

Good. That sounds really good -- keeping up the momentum.

...

I'm sorry there's not a lot of support for you guys right now. It's really true; people don't always get why we make the choices we make. There's so much under the surface that's really individual and particular. I don't know what else to say, and I know I can't "make it better". I'm just sorry it turned out that way.

[kells76]

Apparently she has been at a safe house since Oct 2nd with SS.  The safe house finally sent a letter confirming this so now it's on the police to go get him.  We are all worried she will run before the police get there so time is critical.

Oh wow... geez. Glad they found SS. That's so good. And it CANNOT look good for her to run with SS if she gets wind of the police. There's that side of things -- even if she pulls something crazy like that, she's really at the end of her rope.

I just hope for a safe and trauma free return of SS.  I'm sure once that bridge it crossed, it will be something else.

Yup, one thing at a time. Open that door once it's really there.

Just ready for a nice boring life.  How amazing does that sound to everyone.  No drama, just boring status quo?

Take me with you... please...

[Grady]

Thanks Kells. 

Yes, it wouldn't look good if she runs, but she isn't known for making smart choices.  I hope we are wrong and the police get there within enough time.  I just wish they understood the urgency.  Yes, people just really can't understand or relate if they haven't dealt with this sort of thing personally.  I still shake my head and I'm living it. 

I'm glad I at least have support here and people who understand.  I have one friend who knows every last detail and supports me even if she doesn't agree with all the choices I made. 

[worriedStepmom]

We had almost 6 weeks of blissful quiet, and I spent the whole time worried about when the other shoe was going to drop.

Sigh.

all of this sucks.  You and H are doing the right thing for SS.  Just keep repeating that to yourselves.

[kells76]

    
stepmom group hug
    

[Grady]

Worried, I totally get that. We have become conditioned not to trust something good since something bad always seems to be brewing. It’s hard to appreciate the peace.

Of course we did not get SS today. Apparently the police are trying but the safe house director refuses to disclose the location. It makes common sense that a social worker or someone who knows the location already could go and get SS and meet the police at the station but apparently the safe house is still stalling. There are ways to get SS without letting anyone know the location. It’s just so frustrating. L is going to see what more she can do tomorrow. H is going crazy. He can’t sit still or focus on anything. He used a website where you can track any cell phone and it showed she’s in the city where the courthouse/police are. He wants to drive there but I said no way. He absolutely can’t show up. I think he understands but he just feels so desperate. I shared the advice about not doing anything to jeopardize himself and to continue to advocate for himself. I think on top of not having his son, the idea that she’s made all these false claims about him abusing her and potentially his son is killing him. He read the list of abuse signs for the intake at these shelters/safe houses and everything listed is what BPD did to him and not the other way around. He just can’t believe she would do this to him. Denial is a powerful thing.

I know this standoff has to have an ending. She can’t stay locked up there forever. But I don’t know how much more H can take. He’s been so much stronger than in the past but he still is very weak.

Thanks for the group hug. We all deserve and need it. This stepmom with BPD ex’s is no joke.

[worriedStepmom]

Hopefully this will be enough to steel H against his ex - this is pretty solid proof that she does not care about his or S's best interests.

The legal process will work itself out and S will be home safely soon.