Defending against ruthless wife

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I moved out of my house three months ago and filed for divorce due to the abuse I was getting from my wife and the effect that abuse had on my kids who were witnessing it.  You can look through some of my other posts for details, but there was some physical abuse, a lot of emotional abuse, berating, trapping me in a room and not letting me stay at the house.

Now she has turned to the kids in order to get to me.  I have not seen my kids for 40 days.  She won't let me see them and because of her actions my lawyer warned me not to try to see my kids because they fear how she will twist it against me.  So my lawyer doesn't want me to try to have lunch with them at school.

To try to help her in a custody battle and justify keeping me away from the kids, she filed a DCFS report against me.  I had a discipline issue with one of my kids and I was trying to get my daughter to talk to be about all of the events going on and trying to get past the shell she put up.  So when she tried to walk away, I tried to hold her in a fatherly way try to convince her to talk to me. 

My wife was not there, but she claimed I dragged my son by his head and beat him and that I held my daughter down until she was crying and screaming.  I will stand by my statement that I didn't harm my children, but my wife was able to get all the kids to provide the same horrible story, so DCFS concluded that I'm "Indicated for risk of injury" and I'll have this on my record for the next five years.

I'm getting exhausted trying to fight for my kids.  My oldest son will be testifying against me in an on camera interview.  I don't know for what.  Again, my wife has somehow poisoned him to say things against me.  As I write this I know how screwed I am because I see how unbelievable this is.  When all the kids are saying Dad is dangerous and the only one disputing that is Dad, I realize what the logical conclusion is. 

I don't know what to do, but I want to install cameras in my apartment.  If I would have had the interactions that were reported to DCFS on camera, it would have been dropped.  I need to have proof when they are at my place that they are not being harmed.  Does anyone have a good recommendation about systems to use? Any laws to worry about.  I have a two bedroom apartment right now.  I want to have cameras in every room but the bathroom, but I assume there has to be an area in the bedrooms where people can change clothes off camera?

[Wilkinson]

I moved out of my house three months ago and filed for divorce due to the abuse I was getting from my wife and the effect that abuse had on my kids who were witnessing it.  You can look through some of my other posts for details, but there was some physical abuse, a lot of emotional abuse, berating, trapping me in a room and not letting me stay at the house.

Now she has turned to the kids in order to get to me.  I have not seen my kids for 40 days.  She won't let me see them and because of her actions my lawyer warned me not to try to see my kids because they fear how she will twist it against me.  So my lawyer doesn't want me to try to have lunch with them at school.

To try to help her in a custody battle and justify keeping me away from the kids, she filed a DCFS report against me.  I had a discipline issue with one of my kids and I was trying to get my daughter to talk to be about all of the events going on and trying to get past the shell she put up.  So when she tried to walk away, I tried to hold her in a fatherly way try to convince her to talk to me. 

My wife was not there, but she claimed I dragged my son by his head and beat him and that I held my daughter down until she was crying and screaming.  I will stand by my statement that I didn't harm my children, but my wife was able to get all the kids to provide the same horrible story, so DCFS concluded that I'm "Indicated for risk of injury" and I'll have this on my record for the next five years.

I'm getting exhausted trying to fight for my kids.  My oldest son will be testifying against me in an on camera interview.  I don't know for what.  Again, my wife has somehow poisoned him to say things against me.  As I write this I know how screwed I am because I see how unbelievable this is.  When all the kids are saying Dad is dangerous and the only one disputing that is Dad, I realize what the logical conclusion is. 

I don't know what to do, but I want to install cameras in my apartment.  If I would have had the interactions that were reported to DCFS on camera, it would have been dropped.  I need to have proof when they are at my place that they are not being harmed.  Does anyone have a good recommendation about systems to use? Any laws to worry about.  I have a two bedroom apartment right now.  I want to have cameras in every room but the bathroom, but I assume there has to be an area in the bedrooms where people can change clothes off camera?

[ForeverDad]

Make sure you always refer to any cameras as security-related, not monitoring.  Do you know of any nearby burglaries or robberies in case challenged?

I would suggest not telling your spouse, let her keep on making wild allegations.  Once you have proof otherwise, then her allegations with kids influenced gives you an opportunity to disprove it and possibly put the earlier decision in doubt.

[Wilkinson]

Make sure you always refer to any cameras as security-related, not monitoring.  Do you know of any nearby burglaries or robberies in case challenged?

Yeah, there's been some things in town that I think would justify it.

I would suggest not telling your spouse, let her keep on making wild allegations.  Once you have proof otherwise, then her allegations with kids influenced gives you an opportunity to disprove it and possibly put the earlier decision in doubt.

I think that's a great idea.  My concern however was for my kids.  I guess I didn't want to record them without their knowledge.  If I was to do that, I'd have to find some hidden cameras.  My oldest is a 9th grader and my youngest in 4th grade.  If the cameras are visible, they'll notice and tell their mother.

[mart555]

If I was to do that, I'd have to find some hidden cameras.  My oldest is a 9th grader and my youngest in 4th grade.  If the cameras are visible, they'll notice and tell their mother.

Cameras are easy to hide.  Look at the cheap wyzecam.  I have one that's inside the house, hidden. It doesn't record good audio because it's hidden, and I don't watch footage unless I have to (I had to when the ex came to steal my motorcycle gear.. before she assaulted me).   

[Cat Familiar]

Have there been any interviews with a therapist for yourself, your wife, and your children? I’d think that would be a good starting place to determine your fitness (and your wife’s fitness) as parents.

[Skip]

False abuse claims in divorce with custody disputes are astronomically high...

It's upsetting. It is a threat. But don't be defeated by it. They are one sided claims and the courts know the game. Including the parental alienation.

Members here can help you navigate the courts and the kids. It will take discipline.

Rule #1. Don't over react. Don't JADE to investigators.

For example, for the specific allegation, find out the date and see if you can find any info that would make the claim unlikely.  You attorney will ask her in deposition what you were doing that day, what she was doing, who was informed, hospital information, etc. General accusations will be suspect.

Hang in there.

What was her specific claim? Do you have a date. What was going on that day? When did the alleged event occur? What happened afterward? Anything upsetting. Any good news?

[Turkish]

 Just installed a Ring doorbell. That covers your front. I didn't wire it, since I didn't have a doorbell.  The battery on the initial charge seemed to last over 2 months, possibly 3 (I took out the battery to charge at 22% since it isn't good to let Li ion drain to zero). It also records audio. No wiring, no need to get permission in an apartment.

[formflier]

Wilkinson

It would seem to me that you need to have two broad approaches to your custody situation.

1.  Respond appropriately to whatever allegations come up.
2.  Be deliberate and obvious to the courts (not your ex) that you are a good Dad and are taking steps to improve.

Very important to remember who your audience (the deciders/courts) is.  Understand what they care about and then go the extra mile.

Remember this is a long game.  Yes the missed school lunches suck.  Please realize you are trading lunches now for potentially more time (and influence) later.

What is the status (schedule) of court filings to get you access to your children?

Do you have a family therapist?

What are you doing for self care?

Best,

FF

[Wilkinson]

Have there been any interviews with a therapist for yourself, your wife, and your children? I’d think that would be a good starting place to determine your fitness (and your wife’s fitness) as parents.

She has been taking the kids to the T that saw us as a couple earlier this year.  I just met with him this week to get an update on my kids.  He will testify that my wife is fit to be a parent.  He seems to think she was justified in keeping the kids away from me and that I have earned the kid's scorn.  I would actually be in favor of a full psychiatric evaluation for the both of us. My T thought it would be a good idea to get one and my lawyer liked the idea.  I'm having trouble finding a psychiatrist to do one just because I'm asking for it. 

[Wilkinson]

For example, for the specific allegation, find out the date and see if you can find any info that would make the claim unlikely.  You attorney will ask her in deposition what you were doing that day, what she was doing, who was informed, hospital information, etc. General accusations will be suspect.

What was her specific claim? Do you have a date. What was going on that day? When did the alleged event occur? What happened afterward? Anything upsetting. Any good news?

I'm aware of the date and what the accusation is.  I talked to the investigator and told them what happened, but because my two oldest told the same story as my wife (who was not there) it was my word against theirs.  The accusations were things that happened when I was by myself with the kids in my apartment. I don't know how to disprove it. 

DCFS ruled that I'm "Indicated for risk of injury."  It doesn't mean anything about spending time with the kids.  Essentially all they did is give me a harmful label that will stay on my record for 5 years.  They did not make any judgments or orders on if I could spend time with my kids or if they had to be kept away. I have submitted an appeal

[Wilkinson]

What is the status (schedule) of court filings to get you access to your children?

Do you have a family therapist?

What are you doing for self care?

There has been a GAL appointed and we have a court date in three weeks to talk about temporary parenting time.

My wife is taking the kids to a psychologist, which I posted about here.  I'm not happy with him. https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=340993.new#new  I'm talking with my lawyer to work with the GAL to get a court appointed T for the kids.

For self care, I do a lot of fitness stuff.  Indoor rock climbing has become my greatest source of stress relief.  I also have some trusted friends to be with.

[Skip]

I was by myself with the kids in my apartment. I don't know how to disprove it. 

Why were your boys throwing you under the bus? What was their beef What did hey say happended? What actually happened?

[ForeverDad]

Usually investigators are careful to choose neutral locations when interviewing children.  When my county's CPS interviewed my son it was at his school (kindergarten).  Whatever he told them, it must have been different than the tale he echoed (that in a rage I had beat him on his shins) when his mother had carted him to the local children's hospital ED.  They still wanted to interview me before closing the case.

Since she was the one taking him to and from school, there was a risk he would still be under her influence, her environment.  Fortunately I found out about the hospital trip and was able to read with him a Clifford the Big Red Dog book titled, "T-Bone Tells the Truth".  That helped him to realize being truthful was important, even what truth was.

[Wilkinson]

Why were your boys throwing you under the bus? What was their beef What did hey say happended? What actually happened?

I don't know why they threw me under the bus.  I know my wife has been poisoning them even before I moved out.  I understand from their perspective.  I've enabled the alienation of me, my wife, and my kids from my FOO.  She had always had a problem and painted them as bad people and I went along with it, mostly because disagreeing with her incurred her wrath, so I guess the easier thing was go believe her.  She could be doing something very similar to my kids.  I don't know what absolute lies she is telling them vs. painting an ugly side to the truth.  I could guess what she said to them, but as of right now, she is successfully convincing the kids that I don't love my family and that the break up of our family is my fault.

[Wilkinson]

Usually investigators are careful to choose neutral locations when interviewing children. 

I'm waiting for the full report, but I understood it that the interviews happened at the home.  I think they may have been brought into the CPS office by my wife.  I didn't know there was an interview or report to CPS until my wife informed me by text that I was not allowed to see the kids during the investigation, which was her prerogative, not theirs.