My wife

[Depression = 72% of members]

My wife was diagnosed about 4 years ago. She's had a lot of childhood trama and never any stability. I've done so much research of bpd I know that when she acts mean towards me that it's not actually her hating me she just in pain. Anyways she broke up with me about a month ago. We live together and i help raise her 9 year old daughter. She cheats and lies but she seems to be hanging on to me but at the same time acting like she wants nothing to do with me yet she's never once been like "get out and leave I don't want you here" I'm so confused and hurt. I don't want to leave her I feel deep down she still loves me she just feels guilty for hurting me idk.

[Positive vibez]

My wife was diagnosed about 4 years ago. She's had a lot of childhood trama and never any stability. I've done so much research of bpd I know that when she acts mean towards me that it's not actually her hating me she just in pain. Anyways she broke up with me about a month ago. We live together and i help raise her 9 year old daughter. She cheats and lies but she seems to be hanging on to me but at the same time acting like she wants nothing to do with me yet she's never once been like "get out and leave I don't want you here" I'm so confused and hurt. I don't want to leave her I feel deep down she still loves me she just feels guilty for hurting me idk.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Ozzie101]

Welcome Positive vibez!

I'm so sorry you're going through this but you've landed in a safe place. We understand because we have been (or still are) where you are. And we have a lot of experience and tools that can help you.

It sounds like you've got a really strong push-pull dynamic going on -- very common with BPD, as I'm sure you've found in your research.

What precipitated the break-up last month? Has something like this happened before?

[Positive vibez]

Yes it has before I've noticed plenty of similarities between this time and the other times it's happend shes been trying to get help but as we know many therepist won't see bpd and she is on the waiting list for dbt which when she found out that it hurts her deeply. Shes been not taking her meds constantly. Doing the same pattern of behavior but she swears it's not the same

[Positive vibez]

Honestly I'm just so confused that if it's different this time that why is she not just like "leave get out". She acts like i a stranger anytime I make I eye contact she avoids it. But she still will send me snapschats here and there and messages on FB when I'm away. Granted alot of them or breif and odd questions to things that if she didn't want anything to do with me then why ask  I try and give her space which is a little more difficult due to the fact that we live together. I admit I've been taking things to personal and have gotten depressed and it shows and she can tell which makes things worse

[Ozzie101]

It's hard not to be affected by our SO's moods. I speak from experience there. And, as you may know, pwBPD can be very good at picking up on any negative vibes, no matter how unintentional or slight.

Sounds like a perplexing situation with so many mixed signals from her. The therapy problems are probably contributing to that, as you mention, and she's having trouble coming back to baseline. Often, the best thing you can do is just stay calm, give her space, but be present when or if she needs.

That said, you need to take care of yourself, too, so your moods aren't so tied to her. What do you do for self-care? Do you have a therapist of your own (many of us here, including yours truly, find that helpful)? Spend time with friends or family? Engage in any hobbies?

[Positive vibez]

I have reached out and signed up on betterhelp.com but it wasn't working out as id hope Id rather see one in person. so I'm exploring my options but they are very limited in my area and most are very pricey. I do music production as a hobby but the depression I've been feeling has made everything uninteresting. I've reached out finally to a few family members and a friend and that's helped. I appreciate your input it's also helping me as well.

[Ozzie101]

I understand. When people are depressed, it's hard to find anything to give us pleasure. My advice would be to do it, even if you don't feel like it. Get out of the house. Indulge in hobbies. It will take time, but you will eventually start to feel better. And the more you're taking care of yourself, the sooner that's likely to happen. Hang in there.

In the meantime, if you want to take a closer look at your relationship and some tools you might use going forward, we can help you with that, too!

[Positive vibez]

We had a break thru last night in a sence. We talked about an open relationship and things of that nature which we have discussed in the past.it's not the fact that she wants to be with someone else sexually that bothers me it's the lying about it. Well we talked and where more open to each other than we have in a while we even cuddled and talked about the good memories of our relationship. She asked if I was talking to anyone else bcuz she has told me to "go f*** whoever you want"I was open about a girl I was attracted to and was slightly interacting on fb with no messages just likes and little comments on there page.  Now she never showed any jealousy and always claimed she doesn't feel jealousy. Well this morning after cuddling all night which we haven't done in a while she wakes up and freaks out a screaming about take her off my Facebook or she's blocking me. And im like we just sat and talked about the sexual things youre doing with other people and I haven't even started talking to this girl like that yet

[Ozzie101]

The feelings=facts phenomenon might be coming into play here. Also fear of abandonment. While she seemed fine with it at the time, maybe she's really not as OK with an open relationship as she seemed last night. While her own fear of abandonment and other issues can lead her to treat you to the push-pull, it may also kick in with any fear that you might leave her. It's not rational, but in dealing with a pwBPD, sometimes you have to forget the rational and try to get at the truth underneath the emotions.

How has she reacted before when you've discussed an open relationship? When it comes around to your being open?