Struggling to cope with daughter-in-law's behavior

[Sallie]

My son's wife has BPD. I have experienced her inexplicable rage and behaviors first-hand (ignoring me completely in a social setting, walking out on our Mother's Day dinner date, and abruptly leaving a room when I walk in).  I feel compassion as I can see that she is overwhelmed and suffering, however  how she treats me is painful. 

She and my son had decided not to have children and while I was disappointed as he is an only child, I was also very relieved for the child's sake.   Well, plans have changed and she is pregnant. While they did call me to let me know the news, she is currently not speaking to me. I am terrified that she will not allow me to have a relationship with my grandchild.

Also my son is minimally responsive to my texts or phone calls when his wife decides that I am on the "bad list." I don't want to put him in the middle so I reach out to him regularly during these phases but not so much that he feels overwhelmed. I am not sure how aware he is of his wife's disorder and do not want to alienate him by playing  junior psychiatrist and diagnosing her. I have had the diagnosis suggested by several mental health professionals (based on her behaviors I have reported).

I am feeling hopeless about ever having a relationship with her, fear of losing the connection with my son and the soon-to-be-born baby.  I'm not sure what I am asking for here. Just at a loss of what to do and full of anxiety and dread.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[FaithHopeLove]

Hi Sallie

I am glad you found us. Welcome to the group. There are many members here in situations similar to yours including grandparents whose parents (whether children or in-laws) make having a relationship with their grandchildren difficult. I am sure some will be along to share their wisdom and experiences.

You are in  tough situation but it is not hopeless. Already you are committed to improving your relationship with your daughter in law. There are communication skills you can learn that will help. I think a good place to start would be validation. Here is a great article about what that means. Don't Be Invalidating

I hope it helps. We are all here for you.
Hugs
Faith



 

[zachira]

I hear your pain and sorrow in struggling to cope with your DIL's behaviors and worry about being allowed to have a relationship with your grandchild. My cousin married a woman who had BPD who waged a terrible campaign against her husband's family to the point that he only had a relationship with one of his sisters. The sister stayed in contact with her brother for many years and was there to support him when he eventually got divorced. What I am trying to say with all this, is things do change and you can't predict what will happen, yet your concerns are very valid based on what is going on now. I too recommend using the tools on this site and doing what you can to stay in contact with your DIL and son, and grandchild after he/she is born. I admire your compassion and concern, and hope that you will have a relationship with your grandchild.