Adult daughter with many co-morbidities - need her out of house?

[Parents! Get help here!]

Daughter BPD, 40 w/ severe anxiety, OCD, body issues, depression, severe dependence on me (Mom) phobia re: swallowing/vomiting prevents her from eating w/out close family, severe florid suicidal ideations that have gotten better w med. PTSD from chaotic life in her 20s. Very low self esteem, can’t remember things or make decisions on her own.Multiple hospital admits for suicide attempts.Her therapists have told me she also meets criteria for dependent and anxious pdas well as BPD.  Birth mother and two siblings have schizophrenia. has been going on for many years - managed to get through grad school but has lived with us for past 15 years, on disability, mostly just lays around - efforts to get her moving/helping result in arguing, bullying, hurt feelings, hostility, lots of conflict/jealousy/distortion. Although in the past she had an outside life,  her anxiety and PTSD have resulted in her total isolation for past 7 years - she only talks to me (Mom) and her therapist - she is just hostile to my wife and adult grandchild, who are also in the home - she’s estranged from everyone. I’ve been in therapy for years and worked to set boundaries and have some basic expectations, but the constant strain is getting to me. Her therapist has been working with her to increase independence for years with mixed results. I can’t continue to do this, we are in our late 60s and need a break (not to mention we won’t be around to take care of her) I’m considering helping her to pay for an apartment - I don’t know if she could manage on her own - she will say she can’t eat and will die, and she legitimately has impaired decision making skills - and I am worried about further isolation, but I have to do something... would be very tough financially and she would have to spend her disability check differently, which would be a struggle (right now she only has to pay for food and a phone) We had someone in our family (last person who would do this) stay with her and went away for a week - it was heaven. I love her but honestly can’t stand to be around her much of the time.s Needing to share but also wondered if others have experience with more isolating behaviors and co-morbidities - and of experiences with adults who are very dependent moving out.

[Rosethorn]

Daughter BPD, 40 w/ severe anxiety, OCD, body issues, depression, severe dependence on me (Mom) phobia re: swallowing/vomiting prevents her from eating w/out close family, severe florid suicidal ideations that have gotten better w med. PTSD from chaotic life in her 20s. Very low self esteem, can’t remember things or make decisions on her own.Multiple hospital admits for suicide attempts.Her therapists have told me she also meets criteria for dependent and anxious pdas well as BPD.  Birth mother and two siblings have schizophrenia. has been going on for many years - managed to get through grad school but has lived with us for past 15 years, on disability, mostly just lays around - efforts to get her moving/helping result in arguing, bullying, hurt feelings, hostility, lots of conflict/jealousy/distortion. Although in the past she had an outside life,  her anxiety and PTSD have resulted in her total isolation for past 7 years - she only talks to me (Mom) and her therapist - she is just hostile to my wife and adult grandchild, who are also in the home - she’s estranged from everyone. I’ve been in therapy for years and worked to set boundaries and have some basic expectations, but the constant strain is getting to me. Her therapist has been working with her to increase independence for years with mixed results. I can’t continue to do this, we are in our late 60s and need a break (not to mention we won’t be around to take care of her) I’m considering helping her to pay for an apartment - I don’t know if she could manage on her own - she will say she can’t eat and will die, and she legitimately has impaired decision making skills - and I am worried about further isolation, but I have to do something... would be very tough financially and she would have to spend her disability check differently, which would be a struggle (right now she only has to pay for food and a phone) We had someone in our family (last person who would do this) stay with her and went away for a week - it was heaven. I love her but honestly can’t stand to be around her much of the time.s Needing to share but also wondered if others have experience with more isolating behaviors and co-morbidities - and of experiences with adults who are very dependent moving out.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[FaithHopeLove]

Hello Rosethorn
Welcome to the group. I am glad you are here and sad for what brings you here. I can see why you are concerned about your daughter's dependency, particularly in light of your own age and needs. She was able to live without you for a week. Any chance of trying that again and/or may be finding a plan to gradually acclimate her to her own apartment? Just thinking out loud. I am sure others will ne along to share their own thoughts
 Meanwhile welcome!
 

[GaGrl]

Is there a possibility for a place in a group home?

[Blueskyday]

I too think a supported living situation sounds the most likely way forward. She sounds like she lacks the most basic life skills.

What a terrible place to be. You can only do so much and  there will come a day when you can't pick up the pieces. Sometimes we have to be cruel to be kind..

[zachira]

From your post, it is obvious that it is unbearable to have your adult daughter living with you. You are also rightfully concerned about what will happen to her when you are gone. It seems that a group home that takes care of severely mentally adults would be the ideal situation for her. I don't know where you live and clearly the services are different. Depending on the laws and services where you live there can be a point where it is required to put a mentally ill adult who can't take care of themselves into a home and/or they have to do nothing which can mean the severely mentally adult ends up homeless. I think a social worker could help you find what services are available and what you have to do to get those services. In the meantime, paying for your adult daughter to go for periods of time to a home for adults with severe mental illness could prepare her for living in such a place when you are gone and possibly could turn into a permanent arrangement now.

[Rosethorn]

Thanks for comments - couple problems that make solutioning difficult - 1) we live in an area that has very little in the way of supportive, or even subsidized housing _ I’m looking into both. The other issue is that she will refuse a group home (i think she may refuse even an apartment) because we have protected her, provided full support, never left her at home overnight alone, etc. - we’ve avoided a crisis that might allow her to get more help - i think the answer is that we need to push hard, not enable her, and almost force a crisis that will make it clear to her and to service providers that she needs more help (or possibly she will be forced to face and deal with some of her issues if she wants to be more independent. Thanks for your advice - reading the posts has been so helpful!

[zachira]

Your daughter did allow you to go on vacation for a week when she had a caretaker in the home. I know your situation is different from my mother's friend yet I feel telling this story might help you (and then it might not be of any help whatsoever.) My mother had a friend who had four children, and one of the children had mental retardation and could never live on his own. Many years before her death, the mother picked a home for people with disabilities for her son to live in after she died and then sent him to stay for short periods of time so it would not be a complete shock to him after his mother passed away. The son hated going to the home, and it was a terrible battle to get him to stay there, though eventually he did, and is now living there after his mother passed away. The first step is to find such a place, and these places do exist, though they may be quite far away from where you live.