Self Talk

[Borderlined]

There was a time I would have believed the  hurtful words from my wife.I understand about her illness more now. Ive read books,go to Nami, I watched videos. I've never met someone so difficult to get along with or easily offended.  I used to think it was me. I know I have my own issues, it's how I ended up loving a person with BPD. 30+ years.
Words hurt. Even if they come from a person with the Satan's mental illness, her words hurt. What do you tell yourself as someone with BPD is spewing the most hurtful words about you?  Denying and deflecting is pointless. It just gets twisted and turned into ammo. One day I'll be free. Until that day I need skills to help myself.  How do you help yourself in those situations?

[Inner Light]

Hello friend! I'm sorry to hear about her spewing hurtful things. My strategy is to say, "I don't like where this conversation is going. We need to calm down" then I walk away and turn off my phone or block his number. She'll learn after you do this 15 times (oh joy) that this tactic won't work.

[Borderlined]

If there was a scale of 1 to 10 in bpd, I feel she would be ar 14. Saying something like that would fuel a fire brighter than the Sun. I suppose I'm not even looking for an answer as much as I'm looking to be around people that understand.
I realize more than ever she won't accept this disorder. She denies she has it and with every word she speaks is proof.
 She is a wonderful person with so much pain inside.

[Cat Familiar]

You are under no obligation to stand around and listen to those negative comments. You’ve just been in the habit of doing so for 30 years.

You can excuse yourself politely and tell her you’ll be available later. And as Inner Light has mentioned, if you don’t participate in listening to a litany of complaints, it will eventually stop.

It will get worse before it gets better, but if you persist in this strategy, she will ultimately realize that it’s not getting her a target for ridding herself of her own discomfort and she will quit.

But you have to be ready to be consistent in your response. If you waver even once, then you will make it even more likely to continue. Intermittent reinforcement makes behavior more enduring—think about how addicted people can get to gambling with slot machines, even though they seldom win.

[Enabler]

Hey Bordelined,

We believe in unicorns, you're amongst friends.

After 30 years, what does the worst she can do to you look like? Have you survived the worst?

Do you keep a journal? It's awesome for your sanity.

Enabler

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Borderlined, Don't JADE; instead, I suggest you practice detachment.  In other words, don't buy into her unkind words.  I have a saying, "Poison is harmless if you don't ingest it."  I would encourage you to rise above the fray.  Decline to participate in her hurtful attacks.  Leave the room, leave the house; do what you have to do to protect yourself.  It's time to put yourself first.

LuckyJim

[ortac77]

I can only agree with the other comments, I have to step back and remember that every nasty comment or spiteful action is actually not about me at all. It is not easy thats for sure but it seems the way that a pwBPD copes with their own emotions by making the 'other' the problem.

It hurts because we are human, it hurts more because this is a person we love and it makes us angry because it's not true and feels so unfair.

I have to detach which in itself brings further accusations but I have to do it to maintain my sanity, lets be honest how does any human being cope easily with one minute being the love of their life and the next being painted black?

You are here with people who do understand.