Terribly sad

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Hi all -

I’ve been with two women now who I believe have a cluster b disorder (says a lot about me, I know)

The last one was a woman that I worked with and still do..

It’s been 9 months and she still works there, I endured some pretty significant stalking behavior from her for a while but even that has died down.

Tbh, I think I’m about over it.

But I still see her from time to time. Usually it’s in the kitchen. Today she was in there at lunch when I walked in and I glanced at her. I literally didn’t recognize her. Her face was hallow and pale and honestly reminded me of a terrified child. She’s a 30 year old woman. And she wasn’t doing anything except sitting there.

When I got home I looked at a few pictures of her that were taken less than a year ago while we were dating. She looked so different. Her face had color and she was thinner. She put on a ton of weight after we broke up but has gotten back down to her normal looking figure. But I can’t get over how hallow she looked today. Just a face full of pain, trauma and anguish.

I can’t imagine what she’s been through in life. Don’t get me wrong, she did things in the wake of the breakup that infuriated me and there are still days when I find myself getting angry thinking about it. But today, I felt different. I realized that her behavior in the wake of our breakup wasn’t so much about hurting me but rather it was a severely traumatized human being that was just trying to cope.

Now, I’m not excusing her behavior. What she did was wrong. But how can I stay bitter at a person who has been through so much pain in her 30 years on earth? That face I saw today was a reflection. Just sheer pain and trauma. And again, she was simply sitting there eating her lunch. I realize that she is in a significant amount of emotional pain quite often.

I know I have to stay away from her but I wish I could tell her the following to her face:

“I am so sorry what you have been through in your life. You meant a great deal to me and despite all of the drama and chaos that has occurred over the past 9 months, I just want you to know that it was a pleasure knowing you for a brief time. You are a talented, funny person. I wish you knew that. I wish you didn’t feel so alone all the time. I truly do hope you find peace one day. Truly.”

And that’s the devastating part about BPD. I feel like I’m at the point of no return where we can’t even say “hello” to each other as we pass in the hallway. Her defense mechanisms are so entrenched that I don’t think even think it would be possible. I mean for all I know if I attempted to try that with her she might tell HR I’m harassing her. There’s no telling how she’d react.  I don’t even know how I would start the convo and I know I CANT and I WONT to protect myself.

But god damn man. I miss talking to her.

[jinglebells1989]

Hi all -

I’ve been with two women now who I believe have a cluster b disorder (says a lot about me, I know)

The last one was a woman that I worked with and still do..

It’s been 9 months and she still works there, I endured some pretty significant stalking behavior from her for a while but even that has died down.

Tbh, I think I’m about over it.

But I still see her from time to time. Usually it’s in the kitchen. Today she was in there at lunch when I walked in and I glanced at her. I literally didn’t recognize her. Her face was hallow and pale and honestly reminded me of a terrified child. She’s a 30 year old woman. And she wasn’t doing anything except sitting there.

When I got home I looked at a few pictures of her that were taken less than a year ago while we were dating. She looked so different. Her face had color and she was thinner. She put on a ton of weight after we broke up but has gotten back down to her normal looking figure. But I can’t get over how hallow she looked today. Just a face full of pain, trauma and anguish.

I can’t imagine what she’s been through in life. Don’t get me wrong, she did things in the wake of the breakup that infuriated me and there are still days when I find myself getting angry thinking about it. But today, I felt different. I realized that her behavior in the wake of our breakup wasn’t so much about hurting me but rather it was a severely traumatized human being that was just trying to cope.

Now, I’m not excusing her behavior. What she did was wrong. But how can I stay bitter at a person who has been through so much pain in her 30 years on earth? That face I saw today was a reflection. Just sheer pain and trauma. And again, she was simply sitting there eating her lunch. I realize that she is in a significant amount of emotional pain quite often.

I know I have to stay away from her but I wish I could tell her the following to her face:

“I am so sorry what you have been through in your life. You meant a great deal to me and despite all of the drama and chaos that has occurred over the past 9 months, I just want you to know that it was a pleasure knowing you for a brief time. You are a talented, funny person. I wish you knew that. I wish you didn’t feel so alone all the time. I truly do hope you find peace one day. Truly.”

And that’s the devastating part about BPD. I feel like I’m at the point of no return where we can’t even say “hello” to each other as we pass in the hallway. Her defense mechanisms are so entrenched that I don’t think even think it would be possible. I mean for all I know if I attempted to try that with her she might tell HR I’m harassing her. There’s no telling how she’d react.  I don’t even know how I would start the convo and I know I CANT and I WONT to protect myself.

But god damn man. I miss talking to her.

[Mutt]

Hi jinglebells1989,

It’s hard to watch someone that you cared a lot about go through difficulties in life. I just wanted to ask you what you think. It’s possible that capturing this mental shot of her today is making you feel a deep sadness thats a little overstated.

Also think about the bad things that you went through you mentioned stalking at work that must of been really difficult experience for you.  A pwBPD are also resilient and will land back on their feet after going through some difficult stuff.

I think that it’s good that you shared this here with us hopefully it will you in feeling grounded. What I’m trying to say is I can really relate with your post, seeing my ex going through something tough because of her actions or dysfunctional behavior but this is also a way of life for her. She is used to this and I have to think of other thoughts that counter balance this deeply sad feelings that would sometimes wash over me.

I can relate with you about feeling sad about your ex but think of all of the other parts of her and your experience with her as well.

[jinglebells1989]

Thanks Mutt. That’s an excellent response. I’ve gotten better at snapping back to reality much quicker when I have those sappy, gushy thoughts. Nc forever. There’s no way she’ll make it for the long haul at this job. She’s burned too many bridges and will run out of supply soon.

I’m proud of myself for standing up to her. I have a feeling most of the men in her life have gotten steam rolled by her. But she’ll for sure look back on me and think jingle bells was one tough sob. But I’m honestly getting to the point where I don’t even give a damn what she thinks one way or the other. Progress!

[Tobiasfunke]

It is tough watching them struggle. Not having the ability to go NC and never having to see them again is a curse and a blessing. More and more I feel for my ex. Sadly there is little we can do but forgive whatever the crappy things they did and be gentle when having to deal with them. Good luck to both of you.

[Rev]

It is tough watching them struggle. Not having the ability to go NC and never having to see them again is a curse and a blessing. More and more I feel for my ex. Sadly there is little we can do but forgive whatever the crappy things they did and be gentle when having to deal with them. Good luck to both of you.

Love everything you said here...  Once I got to a place that I could understand fully what happened and why - then I began to work on the forgiveness piece.  It's a loaded word for many people, but we all need to wrestle with it.  For me - forgiveness looks like letting go of the resentment to get on with my life. And I will NEVER forget and likely NEVER speak to her again. And that is the best way to let go of the anguish.  She lacks a moral compass. Awful really to live like that.  Because she does have feelings... just no compass to let them guide her. Would not want to trade places with her and would never, ever let her close to being back in my life.

Rev

[Rev]

Thanks Mutt. That’s an excellent response. I’ve gotten better at snapping back to reality much quicker when I have those sappy, gushy thoughts. Nc forever. There’s no way she’ll make it for the long haul at this job. She’s burned too many bridges and will run out of supply soon.

I’m proud of myself for standing up to her. I have a feeling most of the men in her life have gotten steam rolled by her. But she’ll for sure look back on me and think jingle bells was one tough sob. But I’m honestly getting to the point where I don’t even give a damn what she thinks one way or the other. Progress!

I echo everything you wrote here - total mirror of my personal situation.

I felt bad for a while, until someone wizened me up to the reality of the situation. Then it occured to me that the fuzzy feelings masked my shame and subsequent hurt.  And then I come to know that she will realize that REV is one tough SOB (as you put it) - met her match is how a friend put it. 

Rev