phone calls

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Does anyone else have a tough time making calls with their loved one w bpd within earshot?
I've learned to make important calls in my truck. If  I'm home my wife talks for the person I'm on the phone with or speaks for me and she isn't even in the conversation.  The hardest is if I'm on speaker with voice prompts she will talk and the computer picks up her voice.
Or she listens to my conversation and asks me questions until im totally worn out about something thst had nothing that had nothing to with her
Its just another chapter of the exhaustion she creates.  I can't imagine not being able to not speak if you see your speech is not needed
I  just wondered if anyone else has to live like this?

[Borderlined]

Does anyone else have a tough time making calls with their loved one w bpd within earshot?
I've learned to make important calls in my truck. If  I'm home my wife talks for the person I'm on the phone with or speaks for me and she isn't even in the conversation.  The hardest is if I'm on speaker with voice prompts she will talk and the computer picks up her voice.
Or she listens to my conversation and asks me questions until im totally worn out about something thst had nothing that had nothing to with her
Its just another chapter of the exhaustion she creates.  I can't imagine not being able to not speak if you see your speech is not needed
I  just wondered if anyone else has to live like this?

[Cat Familiar]

You’ve had 30 years of blurred boundaries where she feels entitled to participate in a conversation that is not her business. Calling from your truck or not using speakerphone are your best strategies until you can rebuild respect for your personal autonomy.

Have you seen this link about setting boundaries ?

[Overseas1899]

Same.  I have not made personal calls from our home phone in years.  He used to work nights.  Before kids, I would call my friends or family in the evenings to catch up.  He would call from work and the line was busy so he would call the operator to say there’s an emergency and to interrupt the call.  I accepted the interruption twice.  He would say “you don’t need to be on the phone so long”.  The third time I said no and he didn’t try that again. 
Thankful for cell phones and long drives to work by myself. 

[ortac77]

Likewise I rarely use my home phone and contact friends and family when away from home on my cell phone. It does seem quite ridiculous at one level but ensures I have privacy.

[Help me cope]

Wow. I have felt like this for years and thought no one could understand. everything i say on the phone is carefully dissected and questioned - who? why? what did i mean by that? even calls with mudane household detail (appt for repair, etc). My work-related calls. Friends, family, doctor appts - nothing is private.
It's living hell. It's late now and he's sleeping, but if he wakes up and hears me typing, he'll ask who, what, etc...whew, just exhausting.

[formflier]

Wow. I have felt like this for years and thought no one could understand. everything i say on the phone is carefully dissected and questioned - who? why? what did i mean by that? even calls with mudane household detail (appt for repair, etc). My work-related calls. Friends, family, doctor appts - nothing is private.
It's living hell. It's late now and he's sleeping, but if he wakes up and hears me typing, he'll ask who, what, etc...whew, just exhausting.

If you are interested in learning how this can be less exhausting we can help you unapologetically establish some privacy.

I used to be an "open book" and now I'm ruthless about my privacy.  My relationship is much calmer as a result.

Best,

FF

[mstnghu]

Unfortunately, I can completely relate. The only people I'll normally ever talk to on my phone when my wife is around are my parents. Any other friends or family I want to keep in touch with, I call while I'm in my office at work...and from my work phone so the wife won't see the calls later on my own phone which will cause her to interrogate me about the calls and inevitably start a fight between us.

My wife goes through all my texts as well and constantly questions me about them and takes messages completely out of context and reprimands me for my communication with friends and family! For example, one of my best friends separated from his wife a couple years ago and is now also breaking up with his new girlfriend. Things got really heated and nasty between he and his girlfriend and he needed to move out immediately. Long story short, my friend and I had exchanged some texts back and forth and I also called him and had a long conversation with him just for emotional support. The wife saw the texts between us later and was pissed that I didn't tell her about them! What's going on with my friend's life is HIS personal business and it isn't my place to be airing his dirty laundry to her. She said that because we're married, I have to tell her every conversation I have with other people and that's part of open communication in a marriage! My friend actually doesn't like her and definitely wouldn't want me blabbing all of his business to her. Also, never mind the fact that one of my wife's good friends (who also happens to be clinically diagnosed as bipolar) is going through a nasty divorce from her husband right now...apparently it's been in process for almost a year now, but my wife only recently gave me some information about it a couple months ago- complete double-standard, and the fact is her friends' divorce is absolutely none of my business and it doesn't even bother me for a second that my wife didn't fill me in about it. It's the constant double-standards about stuff like this that drives me insane!

Back to the topic though, all my close friends and family call me on my phone at work because they know it will cause some sort of argument or conflict with my wife. It's completely ridiculous! I've only recently started setting healthy boundaries and I've told my friends/family they can call me on my cell anytime. If my wife has an issue with it, it's her issue and not mine to worry about. It is easier said than done though.

[formflier]

My life got much calmer (although there was a short term storm) when I locked down my phone/email/computers from my wife's eyes.

That was several years ago.

I have a hard time thinking of a text/message or anything she found that she actually took in the correct context.  Ton's of "interrogations" about what is this and what is that.

Something to consider.

Best,

FF

[mstnghu]

My life got much calmer (although there was a short term storm) when I locked down my phone/email/computers from my wife's eyes.

That was several years ago.

I have a hard time thinking of a text/message or anything she found that she actually took in the correct context.  Ton's of "interrogations" about what is this and what is that.

Something to consider.



Best,

FF

That's a good idea in theory. If I don't give my wife the password to my phone though, she just assumes I'm hiding things that I don't want her to see. It starts an even bigger fight.

[formflier]

What if your didn't fight back?  

When she says you are hiding things you can reply "I value my privacy."

Here is the thing...is she in charge of your communications with others or are you?  

Do you go through her phone can give her the third degree about all her stuff?

But seriously...what if you let her be upset and fight about it, and you decided to not fight?

Best,

FF

[mstnghu]

What if your didn't fight back?  

When she says you are hiding things you can reply "I value my privacy."

Here is the thing...is she in charge of your communications with others or are you?  

Do you go through her phone can give her the third degree about all her stuff?

But seriously...what if you let her be upset and fight about it, and you decided to not fight?


Best,

FF

My wife is relentless when she's looking to pick a fight. If I engage, if I don't engage, if I walk away and leave her to fume on her own...she WILL NOT BACK DOWN. I have nothing to hide in my phone, so I just let her look. It keeps the tension down to a manageable level...despite the fact that it irritates me to no end if she starts interrogating me about completely mundane and innocent texts between co-workers and friends.

I understand you're trying to offer constructive advice, but you also should realize that we're not dealing with reasonable and rational people. In most situations, there's just no winning and we do the best we can to cope with the situation at hand. I've actually come a very long way over the past year when it comes to establishing boundaries and not playing into her mind games.

I'm actually working on my exit strategy. I've made it very clear to her that I won't continue to live the way we do much longer and I basically have one foot out the door at this point.

[Cat Familiar]

I think what formflier is saying is to hold firm to your ability to have privacy and not relent.

Yeah, it will get ugly, but if you keep saying, "NO, this is my phone. I have a right to privacy and so do you," at some point she will give up. You may have to leave the room, leave the house, multiple times, but if you don't waver, you can change this behavior.

What have you got to lose if you've got one foot out the door already?

[formflier]

 It keeps the tension down to a manageable level (feeds the monster)...despite the fact that it irritates me to no end if she starts interrogating me about completely mundane and innocent texts between co-workers and friends.

Taking the easy road now leads to a harder road later.  The more you train her that you have no boundaries and she is in charge of your communication, the harder it will be.

She may NEVER back down.  (although I doubt it) yet your boundary will still hold if you don't unlock your phone.

My wife tried lots of crazy stuff to get me to relent.  Luckily I had senior members here that prepared me for this, so I disengaged and didn't let her "extinction burst" bother me.

Then.."poof" one day she acted like it didn't matter.  She rarely mentions it now.  Heck I even hand her my phone sometimes now (after I unlock it) to read texts from kids or other things.  (sometime simpler to let other read, rather than have me explain what was said).

Every once in a while it will lock, she hand it to me...I unlock it and hand it back.

I can't guarantee you that you will ever get back to that level of reasonable with your pwBPD, but I can assure you that the longer this goes unaddressed...the worse it will be when you need to change.

Best,

FF

[Stillhopeful4]

My W has issues with the phone.  If the kids call me or I take phone calls around her she gets upset that I am not 100% focused on her and thinks I should not answer my phone if I am with her.  Her on the other hand keeps her phone on silent 24/7, will always "check" who's calling and if a kid calls her she will answer...mostly she will not answer and then go in another room or leave the house and call them in private (she's always been very sneaky)...then towards the end of our relationship she would get a lot of calls from her work people (who she is very good friends with outside of work) so I would call her out on it and she would scream...IT'S WORK...however they would be talking about going for a walk or weekend plans and not work things.  BPD's just twist things to work how they want them to.  My T says it's all about them having control over everything and everybody.

SH4