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Things we can't ignore
What Does it Take to Be in a Relationship
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Author Topic: The ups and downs and the pain  (Read 66 times)

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
What is your relationship status with them: Committed Dating on/off for 5 years
Posts: 3

« on: November 09, 2019, 09:57:28 AM »

 It has been a long journey to get to this point it took me three years wondering what was wrong with me what was wrong with my relationship and ability to have a relationship with a beautiful young lady and find what is surely true love.  Everything about us matches up perfectly our interests or hobbies are love of life I want and desire to take care of our families. We are both one time divorced parents raising kids on our own.  But episodes would come up there were unexplainable with anger and hatred and rage. An insatiable appetite for more time together was my first concern. Amazing romantic physical relationship but then more and more and more was wanted. Spending hours and days together was not enough and would end in huge screaming matches.   After much therapy and explain some of the crazy episodes of things that would happen when my partner would get angry lead to therapist to tenderly tell me the likely issue was borderline personality disorder for my sweet lover. So much support has gone to this person who I love for me and her family. Her inability to hold friendships with other people is and was a concern for me.  It meant everything came to me.  My children began to distance themselves from her in May because they did not understand her reactions. Finally with a low point of being in a hospital stay after a while the evening that included threatening suicide at Harm, I thought we had hit rock bottom and the place where treatment and a happy future might start. Now four months later, things are different but not necessarily better. She’s able to focus on her art, as she is an artist, which is helping her self-confidence. She has refused to follow up in therapy to help control the triggers and is using energy healing as a resource which I do believe in but is not helping with the triggers.  I have placed boundaries up.  These are painful for her.  I have supported her over and over.  And my greatest internal fear is....without treatment for her....how can I have hope and faith things will ever change to allow this beautiful POTENTIAL relationship to work ?  I can endure pretty much any pain....and have....I have codependency issues that allow me to try and constantly help and fix....but without agreement for her to truly seek treatment (she refused medicine, walked away from DBT (it was stupid) and does not any longer attend therapy).....is there any hope?  I don’t want to abandon her but sitting alongside....seems hopeless and dumb.  Has anyone else experienced this?  To walk away or to maintain a painful boundary?  What hope exists?  Am I crazy to put up with these things?  The greatest times in my life have been with her and also the worst....and often just an hour apart.    Please pass along your thoughts or experiences.  I struggle because I don’t want to tell our friends and close family members because I don’t want their judgement of her to be so poor....the closest family members and friends (a very tight circle) know but
Most don’t.   What have other done?  Thank you for anything you can pass along
This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 5201

« Reply #1 on: November 09, 2019, 03:04:41 PM »

Hi and Welcome

Many of us have experienced similar relationship dynamics, and many have been able to turn things around for the better.  Doing so takes time and work and means learning a lot of the tools and strategies we offer here.  A lot of times it means us changing the way we interact and respond to our loved one.  That is not to say you are doing anything wrong.  What it does mean is that often we will say and do things that invalidate or escalate the dysfunction without realizing it or even meaning to.   A lot of times what we do instinctively when in an argument or tense situation can make things worse.  That is what we try to work with in addition to trying to connecting better when things are calm.

Can you tell us more about the biggest challenge you run into and give some details?  It will help us better understand what is going on.

In the meantime, check out some of the articles here:  How to get the most out of this site

Again, welcome.

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
What is your relationship status with them: Committed Dating on/off for 5 years
Posts: 3

« Reply #2 on: November 09, 2019, 07:07:07 PM »

Thank you your thoughtful reply.    I am a one time divorced man taking care of his three kids, she is a one time divorced taking care of her one child.  When things are good, wow, like nothing else.  Her BPD seems to escalate when ignored and triggers are everywhere (my ex wife, anything that reminds her of the past, young kids, any time she can’t spend the night, etc etc).  The worst was this past summer when I could feel her spinning so I used all the de escalation techniques I knew and it ended up with her running her car into mine, jumping in front of mine so I wouldn’t leave and then an in patient stay after she self injured her head with her phone.    Agreement by her family, her therapist, her Expert (BPD) that she needed therapy (DBT) with an expert.  She agreed.  This lasted for 3 weeks before she bailed. And believes energy healing will do the healing now.  I would love to have faith in this but I feel the same eggshells and triggers are all around. She has improved her friendships with similar aged girl friends so that is great.  But it is time to try and plot out a future for me....and my kids are nervous around from the outbursts...and while ultimatums are not great solutions....without serious help....I just don’t see how this cycle doesn’t keep repeating over and over.  Has anyone seen spontaneous clear up? Or energy healing (Reiki) work with BPD.  And now she is not a believer in western medicines diagnosis of BPD.  I am at my wits end and hate to walk away from a true love....but I do not know what to do with the lack of commitment on her to really address things.  Is this common in BPD ....those suffering refuse to believe in the diagnosis.  Just reaching out to see if anyone else has seen this .....humbly thank you
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