I recently became estranged from my 27-year-old daughter

[Parents! Get help here!]

Hi, I am new here and this is my first post.  Just over the last few months I feel as though I have been losing my daughter.  I believe she has BPD, she is extremely sensitive and has filed for divorce from her Christian husband, still on good terms with him, but has been in a relationship with a professing atheist and has been withdrawing from her family in the process.  She has stated that she is rethinking all of her beliefs and is not living consistent with the Christian faith she was raised in.  I believe I, her mother, also have had BPD traits and have improved much in the last decade since I turned 40. But my daughter did experience the loss of her biological father when she was 5, when he got into drugs and left the family.  She was traumatized by that event.  My daughter and I have had a close relationship, but she has withdrawn more and more as I have not been supportive of her new lifestyle.  She has two small children, and to see all this happening has been heartbreaking.  Any input you may have, please feel free to reply.  I am trying to deal with the pain of losing her and on top of that, dragging myself through all of my mistakes and blaming myself for all of this.  I should add that I had a marriage to an abusive man who treated her and me horribly.  She has always stated that she knew I was going through the abuse too and always felt loved by me.  But now she refuses to speak to me.

[loveisblind65]

Hi, I am new here and this is my first post.  Just over the last few months I feel as though I have been losing my daughter.  I believe she has BPD, she is extremely sensitive and has filed for divorce from her Christian husband, still on good terms with him, but has been in a relationship with a professing atheist and has been withdrawing from her family in the process.  She has stated that she is rethinking all of her beliefs and is not living consistent with the Christian faith she was raised in.  I believe I, her mother, also have had BPD traits and have improved much in the last decade since I turned 40. But my daughter did experience the loss of her biological father when she was 5, when he got into drugs and left the family.  She was traumatized by that event.  My daughter and I have had a close relationship, but she has withdrawn more and more as I have not been supportive of her new lifestyle.  She has two small children, and to see all this happening has been heartbreaking.  Any input you may have, please feel free to reply.  I am trying to deal with the pain of losing her and on top of that, dragging myself through all of my mistakes and blaming myself for all of this.  I should add that I had a marriage to an abusive man who treated her and me horribly.  She has always stated that she knew I was going through the abuse too and always felt loved by me.  But now she refuses to speak to me.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[FaithHopeLove]

Hello Loveisblind
Welcome to the group. I am glad you found us. This is a great place to get information and support. I am sorry for what you are going through with your daughter and what you fear may happen with your grandchildren. It is not an easy situation at all. Nonetheless there is hope. In this group we are learning about communication skills that can help us improve our relationships with our loved ones who have BPD. If you scroll up to the top of the page you will see a number of articles and videos about validation, SET (sympathy, empathy, truth), boundaries and more. Have a look around and see where you might like to begin. You mention your daughter's quickly changing moods are hard for you to cope with. Can you give us a recent example of how this happened, what she said etc.? Maybe we can walk through it together. Once again, welcome.
Hugs
Faith

[loveisblind65]

Hi Faith, I so appreciate your comments.  I will enjoy looking around the site for helpful information.  In answer to your question about the surrounding events, as I mentioned, I was married to a conniving controlling emotional abuser who also sometimes abused physically, but always knew how not to leave marks.  She and I fought this situation together as we were both I thought conservative Christians who wanted to honor God before all else, and our church seemed to not consider our plight so much as trying to counsel my husband to be a good husband and father.  They seemed to treat the situation lightly and did not do anything to alleviate my daughter's suffering.  My family are all Christians who had a hard time knowing how to proceed, but did provide love and support to my daughter and me.  In short, my daughter married a good Christian man she met at summer camp at the age of 19, moved to a small town in Wyoming with him and had two children.  For years, she has struggled with unstable and extreme emotions, self harming behavior.  I offered to let them live with me while they got a job and a house etc. I live in Idaho, and they took me up on that offer.  Ever since they have moved, it has been a slow incremental change toward rejection of her faith and rejection of her husband and family.  Now she is divorced from him, and as I mentioned, in an illicit relationship with someone we believe is very unhealthy for her.  The most hurtful thing it seems is that her ex-husband, who has been so faithful and good to her, is now working full time, taking care of their kids with her in their home during the day, and she goes to live with her boyfriend at night.  Just two weeks ago she sent me a rude text saying to contact her ex if I want to see the kids.  I am reeling because I have always done everything possible to help her and support her, have told her I loved her unconditionally.  She has been so relatable and so kind to me through the years, as I grew up with a BPD/OCD father who was completely socially isolated and struggled with emotional issues himself.  Now her ex husband is telling me that I am only getting back what I put into her life, even though he says it respectfully and is allowing me to see the children, accepting our support for them, etc.  I know this is a deep issue, or more accurately a mix of deep issues.  But I need so desperately to interact with people who have some understanding of what I'm going through.  I am pulled between defending myself and trying to desperately reach out to my daughter, who seems to not value me at all anymore.  She has also cut off others in her life, so it's not just me.  I have gotten some books on Borderline Personality, which I previously did not identify in our lives, but it seems to fit her and me, and maybe my father.  I have had much success in the last few decades in getting control of my emotions and living a much more stable life, though I will probably never be free of consequences from my earlier years.  Thanks for any input anyone may have.  Love and prayers to all of you in your unique situations as well <3

[jones54]

Hi Love is Blind. It has been awhile since I have been on this site. I have a 34 year old BPD daughter. She is presently estranged from her parents (we are divorced). I am not sure, but when you see such a sudden change in someones behavior you need to be concerned about drug usage. I am not sure this is the case with your daughter but you mentioned that her biologic father had addiction issues. It has been shown that problems with addiction can be inherited. My daughter has had severe addiction issues so I am speaking from the heart. She has alcoholics on her mothers side.
I am not sure how you can look into this but if you still have a good relationship with her ex, you may want to speak about your concerns. Her being in a new relationship could also be a red flag if he has possible issues with addiction. The sad part is, that if she does have a drug problem, you can try to intervene but unfortunately they will not change unless they want to get better. I hope this is not the case because with BPD, if you have addiction issues, they are considered "dual diagnosed" making it all the harder to get better.
Not sure if this is any help, but I feel your pain and hope the best for you.

[FaithHopeLove]

As a pastor and a mother I have found that it is impossible to argue someone in or out of faith. You may need to put that whole subject aside for now and just work on your relationship with her daughter. She may not share your values. I know that is hard. My son does not share mine. But remember a lot of her thinking is due more to BPD than who she really is deep down. My advice? 1. Take good care of yourself by posting here, maybe seeing your own therapist, and doing things that bring you joy. 2. Learn the communication skills and see if you can improve your relationship with your daughter even if only a little.