What trivial thing has triggered the most explosive response in your pwBPD?

[TRB]

In my relationship with my pwBPD, some extremely trivial events have triggered explosive responses from my pwBPD.

I am curious to hear other's responses to the question: what is the MOST trivial thing (from your perspective) that has triggered the MOST explosive response from your partner with BPD?

I am asking this because I find that when I hear about other people who have had similar experiences to me, I feel less alone in this.

So here's mine: we wake up in the morning, and I am thinking about something my pwBPD said before going to bed that made me wonder whether she might cancel a plan to go on a run with me the next day.  So I say to her, "I'm thinking about what you were saying last night, and I'm worried that you might not go on a run with me, since I was looking forward to it."

In response, she went into a full BPD rage, told me that nothing will ever satisfy me, calls me every name in the book, tells me that she is ending our 20-year relationship, literally packs her bags, tells me not to contact her, and leaves for 3 days without contact, before returning and then acting cheerful, as if nothing happened.

That's the kind of thing I am talking about.  It was actually after this event (several years ago) that I started learning seriously about BPD and that so many of the symptoms clicked for me, including the splitting and the emotional disregulation lasting for a a few hours up to a few days.

What is your story?

[Cat Familiar]

A couple of events happened at the beginning of my relationship which left me absolutely mystified. I was still being painted white, and his extreme emotional responses seemed completely inappropriate for the situations.

The first happened when we were spending a lovely summer day at the river, swimming and sunbathing on the rocks. He had been planning to retire from his law practice and spend more time doing photography. In fact, he was interested in turning it into a business.

Since I had started and run a business, I was very interested in what he was thinking, so I started asking him questions about his business model: was he interested in doing gallery art, printing cards, wedding photography, portraits?

In about a minute, he became furious and refused to talk about it and sulked for the remainder of the day.

The second incident happened when we had flown to visit his family. We were staying with one of his sisters and he began to complain that his sisters didn’t “treat him like a person”, they didn’t think he was “real” because he didn’t have children, they didn’t want to spend time with him. He was really upset, so I tried to comfort him.

I said that because he lives on the opposite coast, and they are so busy with their kids, that’s probably why he feels that way. Again, explosive anger.

“You’re on their side!”

[secretgirl]

definitely very similar experiences on my end with my ubpdexbf... it always seemed to be , like you, when I brought up MY feelings and I feel like maybe this was a trigger for him and he felt it was "criticizing" instead of just wanting to be heard on my end or have my unsettled feelings resolved.

Examples:
#1.) "Are you okay? You seem upset about something." (this set him off and he said I was ANNOYING him by asking).

#2.) "When you say XYZ to me, I feel very hurt and judged... I care but I would like you to fix this please." (felt criticized... turned into a whole blowout about how he's never going to be good enough for me).

#3.) Even me just wearing anything remotely sexy was a trigger... then the accusations came of how I was the one looking at men (even though it was most likely my ex noticing men looking at me, and him getting jealous. My eyes never wandered--the one time I looked at a clock behind him in a restaurant, he LOST it and said I must've been checking out a man... so , lesson learned. Don't have wandering eyes off him at all times . So again, wandering eyes even at objects was a trigger for him because they could be misconstrued as me looking at people, men more specifically.)

#4.) Me not replying to a text within 5 minutes was also a trigger for him... unless I had specified I was in class etc. and might not reply for a bit.
#5.) Me not picking up the phone was a HUGE trigger because I could be cheating.
#6.) Me questioning HIS fidelity about something I felt uneasy about... even bringing up my feelings about this made him go into a fullblown rage (similar to #2)
#7.) me making another plan on a day him and I usually hungout.

There are many, many more but those are some examples off the top of my head.

[formflier]

In response, she went into a full BPD rage, told me that nothing will ever satisfy me, calls me every name in the book, tells me that she is ending our 20-year relationship, literally packs her bags, tells me not to contact her, and leaves for 3 days without contact, before returning and then acting cheerful, as if nothing happened.
 

Wow!

Did you ask her about her actions?

Best,

FF

[Ozzie101]

Yes to the seemingly insignificant things that trigger explosions. I've begun learning to really listen and figure out what could be behind it (and sometimes it's something completely different). Also, that something that seems insignificant to me may not be insignificant to him, for whatever reason.

Last year, a simple question about whether he needed the shower first in the morning or not spiraled into a 2.5-hour rage that included him shoving his wedding ring in my face and declaring I obviously didn't want to be married. Looking back, I can see how my handling of it contributed to it getting out of control. Thank goodness I have better skills now. But it all began and went off the rails because of a question I'd asked a dozen times before.

He ranted for a good two hours a couple of months ago because SS8's school made a slight change to their uniform policy. He didn't aim that one at me exactly -- just raged about how the principal and teachers are morons and how he was going to call or email and tell them that. Lots of profanity and all with SS8 within earshot. I don't think it's particularly wise to trash a child's teachers when he can hear it but I knew better than to try to correct H in the moment. He also started going to worst-case scenario. Somehow, this meant SS was going to get expelled and then it was going to be my problem to deal with.

It was probably because he was feeling pressure and stress about a lot of different things and this was something to focus on. I just let him get it out of his system and went on with my evening, cooking dinner, etc. He eventually got over it. But at the time, the level of anger seemed way out of proportion.

[TRB]

Wow!

Did you ask her about her actions?

Best,

FF

Yes, once we were in couples therapy, I did ask her about her actions.  She has given various explanations, including that she felt like things had been going so well between us that when I expressed what felt to her like disappointment in her, she felt hopeless and that she did not know what to do except end the relationship.  I realize that this makes no sense from an observer's perspective, but I believe that this was actually how she felt in that moment.

We have been in and out of therapy, and each time she shows some progress with these discards, but then slips back into the same pattern.

That is why I am posting this in the "conflicted or just tolerating it" group; at this point I am leaning very strongly towards leaving the relationship and am working primarily on setting myself up to exit and preparing myself for the backlash when that happens.

[TRB]

Last year, a simple question about whether he needed the shower first in the morning or not spiraled into a 2.5-hour rage

That is interesting.  I have also noticed that simple questions about who is going to do what and when, can have a similar reaction.  Like, "Were you planning to use the Honda on Wednesday?" Your shower question reminds me of similar questions I have asked, such as "What time are you planning on waking up tomorrow?"  These can lead to a rage or at least significant anger.

Sometimes my partner will respond by accusing me of "trying to make me do something" by asking the question.  Like by asking about the Honda, she thinks I am trying to use the Honda myself and stop her from using it and thwart all of her plans for the week in some kind of indirect, passive-aggressive way.  I can't tell you how many times I have said, "When I asked that question, I was really just asking a question, not trying to make you do anything."  Of course no amount of explaining like that does any good, so I have learned not to explain.

After this happening for a while, I thought "Maybe I should not ask questions, and just state up front why I am going to ask, before asking the question."  Like, "I'm trying to plan my day on Wednesday, and I can use either car that day, but it would be helpful for me to know which one you're planning to use so that I can plan on where I'm going to park."  (We have a car and a truck, and the truck can be hard to park in certain places.)  No dice.  She tends to get irritated during what she calls my "long windup" to asking the question, and says "just ask me what you're going to ask!"  A classic no-win situation.  But this seems to trigger irritation rather than rage, so maybe it is progress?

Does anyone have any explanations for this kind of situation, or suggestions?  What is it about BPD that triggers such anger when being asked a simple question that does call for some cooperation or coordination but is not confrontational in a way that would trigger anyone without BPD to get so angry?  I guess if I see BPD as in the narcissism spectrum, a question like this requires the person with BPD to consider that another person's needs have some value that need to be respected, and that having to take someone else's needs seriously and give them thought is irritating?  Even if it is something as trivial as cooperating about who is going to take a shower first?

[Jetta]

I relate to so many of these, however my h doesn't rage, but he will go on really long rants or do an immediate shut-down where he's right, I'm wrong, no matter what I say, and have an attitude where he doesn't care how much he hurts me. I often wonder about the "doghouse" thing that's become so cliche. Like "aw man, don't let her put you in the doghouse!". Not that I believe in putting h in the doghouse, but if there was a doghouse he wouldn't care. He'd probably put me in the doghouse right back. He stays relatively calm but is punitive and retaliatory.

Early in our marriage I tried the "when you... I feel..." statements and he would reply "that sounds
like a personal problem" or tell me not to be so sensitive, and I was confused as to where my sweet boyfriend went (I have since learned of the black/white thinking and that he was love bombing me) so I would explain even harder and then an argument would ensue.

He gets triggered when I don't respond to his calls or text right away. Texts can be especially laborious. If I don't text back in exactly the 'right' way, he'll keep asking me the same question. It's too much typing on my phone, which I generally stink at anyway.

[once removed]

there was one night we were hanging out together.

i was drinking a soda or something. i put the glass on the table. she kind of freaked out. suggested i slammed it. i (we) was in a perfectly good mood at the time. no slamming, certainly not deliberately.

a few minutes later, the same thing.

a couple of times later, shes shouting at me. im dumbfounded. im just setting the damn glass on the table...mindfully, carefully, at this point.

this particular scenario never happened again. but i observed other people setting their glass down with the same bit of a bang, and i kind of gave her a hard time about it.

Does anyone have any explanations for this kind of situation, or suggestions?  What is it about BPD that triggers such anger when being asked a simple question that does call for some cooperation or coordination but is not confrontational in a way that would trigger anyone without BPD to get so angry?

bpd is a disorder of extreme emotions. of disproportionate anger. of emotions, thoughts, and feelings exactly the same that you and i might have, but more extreme, and often expressed in a more extreme way.

That is why I am posting this in the "conflicted or just tolerating it" group; at this point I am leaning very strongly towards leaving the relationship and am working primarily on setting myself up to exit and preparing myself for the backlash when that happens.
...
Does anyone have any explanations for this kind of situation, or suggestions?

which way are you really leaning, friend?

are you looking to learn how you can improve the situation? wanting to share war stories? not sure?

[TexGuy]

Well  2 nights ago...
I was at scouts with S14 and wBPD went to happy hour at a private club we belong to with a friend from work.  She texted that she would be home shortly after they split a second glass of wine and did not arrive home for 2 hours.  I was not in anyway upset about it and jokingly asked how many half glasses of wine did they end up having.  She went off and accused me of accusing her of lying which was just nuts.  My D18 was standing there and said "Wait!  That is not at all what just happened here"  She became quiet so I made my exit.  She tracked me down in my study and just completely went into a screaming rage about how she wanted to leave and go home to her family (she has not spoken to her mom in over 10 years, her father and grandparents are dead and last I heard her brother may be living on the street somewhere up north).  She had texted me about some lady she knows through church charity staying at the house for a "few" days and I said we needed to talk in person about that.  What I did not know at the time was that she had felt very slighted by something that went down at board meeting she was at earlier in the day.  This clearly was the trigger of the episode.  She set me up by asking about this woman staying at our house because she knew it would be an issue with me.  She has been helping this lady who has a new baby but also has five other kids who were taken away by social services.  We know almost nothing about this person and she wanted to bring her and the baby into our house "for a few days".  She was looking for someone to validate her and this lady thinks she hung the moon.  I would too if someone showed up to buy me stuff, give me money for the down payment on a new car, etc.  No mention of the lady during or after the blowup two days agou but  today I get a text today saying. "I can't talk to you in person.  I'm already at a disadvantage" .
Guess this is not over yet.  I'm sure I will get a verbal ass kicking tonight. 
Some days I wonder what if I just don't go home?
A divorce could cost me a fortune but might be worth it.

[InPurgatory]

I'm new here and haven't posted before, but this topic resonated with me.  My ubpdh has been known to blow up over weird little things.  One of the worst happened when my adult daughter and I were standing in the kitchen one evening.  DD is living at home right now while she finishes graduate school.  She cooks her own meals, cleans up after herself, and is generally an excellent housemate.  Ubpdh likes to play the "game" of doing "nice things for others" while keeping score of how many nice things other people do for him.  This has set us up for years' worth of resentment because he's always "unappreciated".  DD had just finished washing the one pot she used to cook dinner and put it in the dish drain.  Ubdph came into the kitchen, saw that she hadn't washed his dirtied dishes, and flew into a rage.  He was in her face, screaming at her that she was no longer welcome at home, that she was ungrateful, and I was terrified that he was about to strike her.  He's a good foot taller and 100 pounds heavier than she is and he had her cornered.  He was so hyperfocused that he wasn't even aware that I was there and talking to him.  He eventually stormed off and left both of us shaking for hours.

[AskingWhy]

In my experience, there is nothing more trivial than a half of a turkey sandwich.

uBPD H bought a turkey sandwich at a deli and then put it in the refrigerator for two days.  Thinking I did not want it to go to waste, and that he had forgotten it, I ate it.

H was looking around the refrigerator for the half sandwich, and I told him I ate it.  He flew into a rage, slamming things, cursing and name calling, saying he was planning to eat the sandwich and would now starve.

If memory serves, I think I also got a divorce threat on that occasion. 

There was also the issue of my H's men's nudie magazines when we married.  He had a subscription to one and after we married, I said it was inappropriate for him to continue with them, stating he was a bachelor when he subscribed.  I found it insulting to me as a woman to have to see those magazines of naked young women with airbrushed faces and bodies.

H flew into a rage, took a stack of the magazines into the lawn out back, dumped lighter fluid on them and set them afire.  He screamed, "There!  There!  Are you f*cking happy now?"

Rages totally out of proportion to the matters at hand.

[BrokenSpokane]

One night my exBPD was snoring really loud and I couldn't sleep. So, I quietly went across the hall to the empty bedroom and went to sleep in that bed. I was awakened later by her poking me. I woke up and she stormed out of the room back into our bedroom. I followed and went back to our bed. But, she was screaming at the top of her lungs at me, turning red and accusing me of not wanting to be with her. I was explaining that she was snoring and I couldn't sleep, that's why I was in the other room. Nothing I said was sinking in. She started packing up her clothes saying the marriage was over, she was moving out with her son and we'll sell the house. She finally calmed down after about an hour, but she was still pissed. I couldn't figure out what the hell was going on. I took all the blame, of course.

I didn't learn about BPD or that she had it until near the end of the relationship.

By the way, what are these abbreviations?

pwBPD
uBPD

[Cat Familiar]

By the way, what are these abbreviations?

pwBPD
uBPD

Person With BPD. Undiagnosed (person with) BPD.

[zachira]

Great topic! It is hard not to feel terrible when a person blows up at you for no apparent reason. I could give many examples of this happening to me with all the family members I have with BPD. The story about the turkey sandwich really brought up a memory for me. My sister with BPD had to make an unexpected trip out of town and she left a small dish of leftovers in the refrigerator. Since she was not going to be back for several days I ate it. She had an absolute melt down in front of a group of relatives about it, screaming at me in front of them about eating the small dish of leftovers. It was the one time I did not take what she did personally or get upset at all. When there are no other witnesses, it is sometime more difficult to recover from being treated so badly. It helped that one family member commented on the fact that my sister had no reason to be angry. What has helped you to not personalize an explosive response in your pwBPD?

[TRB]

It helped that one family member commented on the fact that my sister had no reason to be angry. What has helped you to not personalize an explosive response in your pwBPD?

Having a witness has been extremely helpful for me.  Unfortunately this has been extremely rare.  The two of us live together in a remote area, so 99% of the time there is no one around to witness the things that happen when we are home alone together.  And 99% of the time when we are around other people, my upwBPD does not exhibit her BPD behaviors.

But there have been a few times when my upwBPD has "acted BPD" in front of other people and this has been very validating for me.  It has helped to remind me that I am not misperceiving reality.  Especially when the BPD behavior is very mild compared to what I experience in private, and the other person tells me that they thought the behavior they saw was very extreme and is not something they experience with other people in their life.

Sometimes I have been able to not take an explosion personally when it is so extreme in response to something so trivial that I am able to see very clearly that the response cannot possibly be about me.  This is especially true when my upwBPD has acted calmly in the same situation another time, or when I have recently had a similar experience with a different person who did not explode in a rage in response.

I think I mentioned already that my upwBPD has exhibited some more extreme BPD behaviors in couples therapy with two different therapists, and both of them validated for me that these behaviors would need to change for the relationship to be healthy and that the pain I experience on the receiving end of these behaviors is very understandable.  These are both couples therapists who have been specializing only in couples therapy for "couples in crisis" for a long time, so I assume that they have seen it all and would not exaggerate about my relationship with my partner.  This has helped me not to take my upwBPD's reactions personally.  I have come to understand that my own difficulty in accepting my experience and feelings as valid comes from my own upbringing and that this is why I did not see the red flags of this relationship much sooner.  I am working very hard on that.

Unfortunately, I am hesitant to recommend couples therapy to anyone who is looking for validation.  We have actually been through several couples therapists, and they vary very widely in their background and approaches.  It seems like many of them are prone to side with the pwBPD because of their (very often) abusive childhoods and other (very understandably) difficult life experiences.  I am a man and my upwBPD is a woman, and we had one couple's therapist who clearly gave my upwBPD a free pass on her rage for a while, because (and this is what the therapist said) "often women develop rage because of the power imbalance in the relationship."  Eventually my upwBPD started expressing rage and contempt towards this therapist, who then changed her tune and told my upwBPD that she would not continue to work with us if that continued.

So be wary of seeking validation from therapists, unless you can confirm that they have specific expertise and experience with BPD and will not be fooled.

In my experience, it is safer to get validation from trusted friends and family (people who are either loyal to you or at least who don't have a lopsided loyalty to the person in your life with BPD).

[Enabler]

I moved the hot water from continuous to twice a day... That was a really bad thing apparently.

She came back from a run, had fallen over and scraped her leg, I asked if she was alright and she told me I was a "f##king c##t".

[zachira]

TRB,
I am glad that you have found having a witness to the abnormal behaviors of your pwBPD helpful. Yes, you are right on that when you are a couple that most of the unacceptable behaviors take place when the couple is alone and there are no witnesses. You are also right about couple therapy often not being productive when one member has BPD because the BPD can be on their best behavior when around others. I have found long term individual therapy helpful for me in not personalizing all the mean behaviors of my family members with BPD. My therapist has often validated my being upset by how I was treated and that the behaviors of my family members with BPD are far from normal.

[Enabler]

It surprises me that couples T's aren't more clued up on the dynamic of pwPD's putting on a mask for their weekly counselling session. I'd imagine that most non's are not in a great shape when they rock up to couples counselling, in my case I was all over the place.

[Baglady]

My exBPDh was sobbing loudly and uncontrollably so I went to soothe him by saying "shh".  He switched on a dime when he heard me say this sound and he let out a blood-curling ROAR of rage at me that frightened me so much I ran out of the room and then he assaulted me.  He walked out on our 21 year marriage shortly afterward accusing me of "torturing and abusing" him every single minute of the marriage.  Sigh - he has zero memory of the entire event that I now suffer C-PTSD from.

The irony that my initial attempt to be empathetic and supportive actually led to this situation never fails to amaze me. 

Warmly,
B

[TRB]

which way are you really leaning, friend?

are you looking to learn how you can improve the situation? wanting to share war stories? not sure?

I know which way I am leaning and I have stated that very clearly in this thread.  I am leaning out of the relationship.  I am also trying to seek understanding of myself and of my upwBPD, and to do what I can to improve my relationship with her for as long as I am in it, whether that is a day or a year.

I am guessing that your question about which way I am really leaning is based on the fact that I have both said that I am leaning out and also asked for understanding in how I can improve the relationship.  However, I don't see any contradiction there.  I am a complex human being and am allowed to have a mix of feelings (at least that is what I am trying to learn to accept about myself after having a long-term relationship with my upwBPD).

Something about your questions has rubbed me the wrong way.  I took some time to investigate my internal reaction to your questions, and I now understand my reaction and would like to share my insights.  I do understand that communicating by text only on the Internet is not a very reliable way to communicate feelings and intentions, so I may have misunderstood where you are coming from.

Your series of questions without any answers or statements about what you think, such as "which way are you really leaning?" and "not sure?," is exactly the kind of thing I hear from my upwBPD when she is trying to get me to question my own feelings and my own understanding of myself, especially when I have expressed how intolerable the relationship is to me.  She starts acting sweet and she asks questions about whether I am really sure that the relationship is so bad.  I am very susceptible to questioning myself in response to questions like that, and to letting go of my own perception of reality, and my own conclusions that the relationship has violated my fundamental boundaries many times. This results from my own codependent upbringing.  I have been working very hard in individual therapy and in my other relationships to stay grounded in my own perception of my own thoughts, feelings, and motives, and not to have that self-understanding undermined or dominated by someone else.  Being asked "not sure?" is not very helpful to me while I am on this path.

When I read your questions again, I suspect that you were actually trying to make some statements to me about what you think, such as "I think you may be more conflicted about your relationship than you have described."  But instead of DIRECTLY stating your thoughts or feelings, you communicated with me INDIRECTLY through the form of leading questions.  This is not helpful to me.  It is exactly the kind of communication I am trying to get away from.  I am also working on getting better at expressing myself directly and at sharing my thoughts and feelings directly and vulnerably.  That is why I am on this message board and why I am writing this response.  I am trying to practice that form of direct and vulnerable communication in this message itself.

So my request to you is that if you have an opinion or feeling or suggestion for me, that you state it directly and with compassion and with an intention of being supportive.  Let me know what your motive is, if that is not clear from what you say.  I am open to hearing any of that from you now if you are interested.

I also ask that you keep to the topic of the thread.  I created this thread in order to hear about the kinds of war stories other people have experienced, in order to validate and normalize my own experience.  It does not feel supportive to me to have my desire to leave the relationship questioned IN THIS THREAD.  I get that there is an appropriate time and place for that.  But I need to know that if I come here to hear about similar experiences that other people have, and if I ask for that explicitly, that I won't face someone questioning my motives and how I fundamentally feel about the relationship I am in.  I will go elsewhere if I can't trust that.

[PeteWitsend]

My BPDxw engaged in a multi-year, completely unhinged  campaign to drive me away from my family, particularly my own mom.  She even admitted this on occasion, though would later deny it. 

Closer to the end of our relationship, if I even said the word "mom"... even when not referring to my own mom, she would get visibly annoyed.

Also, if I ever said the words "my family" in reference to my extended original family (like my parents, siblings, aunts & uncles), she would get upset and insist that "my family" was her and our children.  And this could blow-up into extended periods of conflict if I didn't get away from the topic in a hurry. 

[MidLifCrysis1]

My exBPDh was sobbing loudly and uncontrollably so I went to soothe him by saying "shh".  He switched on a dime when he heard me say this sound and he let out a blood-curling ROAR of rage at me that frightened me so much I ran out of the room and then he assaulted me.  He walked out on our 21 year marriage shortly afterward accusing me of "torturing and abusing" him every single minute of the marriage.  Sigh - he has zero memory of the entire event that I now suffer C-PTSD from.

The irony that my initial attempt to be empathetic and supportive actually led to this situation never fails to amaze me. 

OK, so this is really awful. So sorry, BL. And I feel compelled to throw a hat in the ring on this one. I have had similar experiences, albeit not to that level of horror, but mechanically similar.

My uBPDw, fairly often, rapidly shifts between hate-filled-gangster-mode and scared-young-girl-mode when majorly upset. It is VERY hard to navigate in general, but specifically in the cases where scared-girl-mode stays "in front" for an extended period (read this as 'several minutes straight') and I try to be comforting and strong for her. Sometimes it goes well, as long as I do absolutely everything correctly for her in that moment (physically, verbally, body-language, timing, etc.). So it could be that she could be lying her head on my chest or shoulder, maybe crying a little, and I'm holding her - and she's feeling safe, comforted, and supported. But at any given second, like if I say a thing like "It's OK to cry if that's what you are feeling. You're safe." or, you know, "Shh..." - she will physically change, stiffen up, pull away, and rage about how horrible I am.

It's so surreal sometimes. Hard not to just hang one's head and walk away in defeat. Especially after putting oneself out there for the other after having just endured some kind of verbal and emotional onslaught minutes before.

THEY light-switch emotional states, and sometimes that's a relief. Of course, often it is a nightmare. But trying to stay in step with them emotionally, for us, is a HUGE challenge - for me, at least. To go from trying-to-survive-an-onslaught to loving-caring-supportive in a literal few seconds AND THEN BACK to trying-to-survive-an-onslaught in another few seconds is a psycho-emotional earthquake for me.

So, as far as trivial things that generate an explosive emotional response, could be ANYTHING!

 - MLC

[Ozzie101]

Also, if I ever said the words "my family" in reference to my extended original family (like my parents, siblings, aunts & uncles), she would get upset and insist that "my family" was her and our children.  And this could blow-up into extended periods of conflict if I didn't get away from the topic in a hurry. 

Same here. Family is a big trigger for my uBPDh. And since he's currently dealing with a very stressful situation with his own FOO, it's even worse. I mention my family as little as possible these days, but with Christmas coming up, I dread the possibilities.

[Skip]

Something about your questions has rubbed me the wrong way.. //.. Your series of questions without any answers or statements about what you think, such as "which way are you really leaning?" and "not sure?," is exactly the kind of thing I hear from my upwBPD when she is trying to get me to question my own feelings and my own understanding of myself, especially when I have expressed how intolerable the relationship is to me.  She starts acting sweet...

   Did you ever see this: 40's vaudville act?


Date: 1944Minutes: 4:03
"Slowly I Turned"

It's a hilarious depiction of triggering - when a innocent word (Niagara Falls) or action reaches into someones psyche and pulls forth painful feelings. The skit is about someone taking it out their triggering on an uninvolved person.

It's happens.

So my request to you is that if you have an opinion or feeling or suggestion for me, that you state it directly and with compassion and with an intention of being supportive.  Let me know what your motive is, if that is not clear from what you say.  I am open to hearing any of that from you now if you are interested. I also ask that you keep to the topic of the thread.  I created this thread in order to hear about the kinds of war stories other people have experienced, in order to validate and normalize my own experience.  It does not feel supportive to me to have my desire to leave the relationship questioned IN THIS THREAD.  

It's may be a lot, TRB, to ask any of us to interpret how certain questions might trigger you (or how they might trigger me, or trigger Once Removed).

We're all here to help one another. And we encourage members to managing their threads and be clear on what they are looking for in terms of support. That's all good. And if someone antagonizes us (which is rare, but it happens) its best to hit "Report to moderator " and ask a moderator to step in. They will for sure.

Here are the guidelines we are all working under: https://bpdfamily.com/guidelines
https://bpdfamily.com/guidelines#advising
https://bpdfamily.com/guidelines#divisive

Triggering, however, is on us to manage - not to ask others (members.moderators) to manage for us. If were triggered, it's best to step away and get back to baseline.

Something is said on these boards everyday that could trigger someone - including me - and we have done well as a community to check our triggers at the door for the greater good.

Make sense?

[Skip]

In BPD relationships, the wounds (on both sides, but often moreso on the hypersensitive pwBPD) are deep and rarely resolved. In time they add up and simmer below the surface - and are easily triggered (the "trivial thing" mentioned in the OP) and the negative emotions brought forward.

We often trigger, in response. And the cycle of conflict kicks into high gear.


https://bpdfamily.com/content/triggering-and-mindfulness-and-wise-mind

I'm many years out of a bad relationship, and I have a heightened awareness of my own ability to trigger and the ability of those around me to trigger. My partner, who is very mature, can trigger.

It's part of life with anyone (but more problematic in "BPD" relationships). It is helpful  to know what it is when we see it so we can act appropriately - or at least not make matters worse.

Good discussion!

[once removed]

hi TRB,

i can see where asking "which way are you really leaning" sounds suggestive or leading. im sorry about that.

Let me know what your motive is, if that is not clear from what you say.  

i was trying to gleam the direction you want to go in so we can best support you - and that if you arent sure (not saying you arent), thats okay, too.

I have both said that I am leaning out and also asked for understanding in how I can improve the relationship.  However, I don't see any contradiction there.

i understand. i was in a similar place with my ex.

so i also know how difficult it can be to do both.

I created this thread in order to hear about the kinds of war stories other people have experienced, in order to validate and normalize my own experience.  It does not feel supportive to me to have my desire to leave the relationship questioned IN THIS THREAD.  I get that there is an appropriate time and place for that.

if you are trying to improve things (while leaning toward getting out) it might serve you to start a thread on the ongoing issues between you and your loved one and examine them. we can walk you through it.

what do you think?

[Ltahoe]

Lol too many to name

Paying an entrance fee to a state park with quarters, since they didn’t except card.

Asking wife to GPS something while I’m driving, multiple times.  The worst part is I may be driving somewhere for her assuming she knew where we were going.

My wife waited for me and one of my kids to ride at an amusement park. The line time stated something different then the time it actually took us. Worst part of this was she couldn’t ride since she was watching a minor too small to ride and the theme park I was at gave out a free fast pass voucher for parents that waited. She had a free pass to go to the front of the line but that didn’t matter.

I wake up before her. Going into the bedroom after exiting for more than a kiss is a big no. However if she wakes up before me it’s ok to do lights on, dress in the room, do makeup in the room.

While I was working on a home project, she cooked for herself so I asked if she could cook for everyone else too since I was busy.

The weather, not even a joke

Catching her do anything inappropriate.

Her telling me we have to be somewhere at said time and me not being ready with still plenty of time to get ready and go.

It’s a lot

[MidLifCrysis1]

Slight deviation here...but...related:

Does everyone else live with a semi-constant double-standard / hypocrisy state that is completely unrecognizable by your pwBPD?

I've been meaning to write about this, but Ltahoe's comment sparked my initiative:

Going into the bedroom after exiting for more than a kiss is a big no. However if she wakes up before me it’s ok to do lights on, dress in the room, do makeup in the room.

@Ozzie: Sorry about your possible trajectory into a long-term dysreg phase. I know it's literally killing me. I am hoping I have only to survive this until end of Summer - while that seems like an eternity away, at least it's a target. Without the target, hopelessness bites much deeper. Good luck.

[Cpete18]

I bought a $5 broom. It was literally world war 3 because 5 months previous I had thrown out an old broken broom from his house when we were moving in together. That was definitely the biggest “is this really happening” moment for me.

My brother sent me a xm stereo that I could use  in my car. This was when my husband and I were dating, he was driving in the city and he asked where the stereo was. I told him it was in the back (of my station wagon) so he told me to get it because he wanted to see it. I told him ok, pull over and I’ll grab it. He said “no, climb back there and get it!” I started laughing and told him I’d get it when we stopped. The fight lasted for two days.