My Grown Daughter

[Parents! Get help here!]

Thank you for a place to share among those who understand this very hurtful unfortunate place of sadness with a broken heart.  

My daughter is mad at me because she and her husband were in an argument and in order to bring peace to their home which has been very chaotic, my husband (her step-father) and I agreed to let the husband come to our home for a few days.  Our daughter felt betrayed even though it was just for a few days (three days).  We told her he would stay for a few days, which she said means "2", but he stayed for three and she said we lied to her.  She stopped talking to us.  She was pregnant at the time, and shortly thereafter she had the baby and did not let me know when she was going to deliver.  Her husband had to find another place to live for a few months but after the baby was born, he went by the house, not knowing if the baby was actually born yet or not.  He took a chance and she opened the door and let him see his one and only child.  He was hurt that she did not allow him to be here for the birth of the baby, but was so happy she let him see his baby girl.  

Since that time, she has allowed him to be involved and they see each other regularly.  He has not moved back yet, but they have decided to reconcile.  He has kept me posted on how things are going.  My baby granddaughter is almost a month old and I have not seen her  because my daughter feels that I betrayed her and that it is unforgivable.  She is punishing me by not allowing me to see the baby and by not talking to me either.  It is very painful.  There is so much to the story.  She has two twin daughters that she gave up to the father without even discussing with me.  We see them periodically when we pay for them to come home.  They are adorable, but my daughters erratic behavior has cost us to practically loose them.  She has been in and out of custody and child support battle.  I took up the battle and started paying for the court and attorney fees just to try to keep the twins in our lives with the hope that some day we would win them back.  

My daughter has suffered alot of stress and depression form the court battles, and also blames me for the continued fight in the court because I asked her not to give up on fighting for the girls.  She feels I care more about them than her and blames for her depression and anxiety.   We found this great attorney who has supported us in the court hearing and who we became close to.  When my daughter stopped talking to me, the attorney reached out to her (without my knowledge)and let her know that she felt she (my daughter) was wrong in how she was treating me and that I have always been there for her.  This infuriated my daughter and she said she was double betrayed by me and said she was "done" with me.  :-(   It has been an off and on relationship for the past 7 years.  I am worn out, sad, and have been to clinical counseling, spiritual counseling and have had family and friends praying for her and for me.  She has allowed her sister to see the baby and sent pics to her sister and brother, which they shared with me and I shared with my family (parents and siblings).   She is adorable!  

My parents are coming for Thanksgiving in hopes to see her and the baby and to try to mend the relationship and get her to return to the family once again (and to open her heart to me again).  Its so heavy.  My daughter also has a son who is 9, that she won't allow me to see.  So the twins are with their father, my grandson is here with her, but I can't see him and my daughter has a newborn that I can't see.   She told her husband she does not want him to talk to me again.  He told her that he is going to call me one more time to at least explain why he is not calling me.  I told him I understood (because he does not want her to sever the relationship again as he loves his baby girl and does not want to jeopardize the relationship he has with his baby).  He has wanted a child for years and is so happy she got pregnant one more time.  He is her 4th husband, and he is praying he will be her last.  He loves her so much.  He does feel somewhat helpless by her domineering controlling ways as a result of her BPD.

I bought the books -  "I hate you, don't leave" ; "Talking to a loved one with BPD" and "Stop walking one Eggshells".  I am currently reading "I hate you don't leave".  I have found myself in the past running behind my daughter trying to let her know that I love her, sending her text messages, etc.  Once it took her over a year to talk cordially to me.  I felt like I had no value and seemingly place all the value on her and making her more important than myself, just to try to restore the relationship.  And it has never really been that great, in that I have to always pick and choose my words carefully so as not to upset her.  I've read when there has been trauma in the life of a child it can be a root issue that breeds personality disorders, especially BPD.  Her birth father abandoned her when she was young, about 5 yrs old.  We were separated, he came to "supposedly" see her. I decided to run errand while they visited, and he started to pick an argument, so I decided to hurry and leave to avoid the argument, and as I left out of the door, I saw where he had blocked me in in order to prevent me from going anywhere.  We had a carport, and I was not able to back out unless he backed our first.  Sadly, after only being therefor about 10 minutes and our daughter clinging to him for life as she was so happy to see him, he got mad and said "you're not going anywhere, I'm leaving!". Our daughter yelled out "don't leave daddy!" and he kept walking, and she ran after him and held on to his clothes begging him to stay, and he kept walking to his car while she clung to his clothes begging him "don't leave".  When he got to the car, he tore her hands from his clothes and got in the car, and she started jumping up and down screaming "daddy! daddy!" as he drove off.  She ran over to me, as I stood on the lawn taking it all in, and refusing to yell at him (as it would make matters worse).  I picked her up and she was kicking and screaming and very angry.  When we got in the house, she said "Why did you make him leave?"  Of course I told her I did not, but how can you explain that to a screaming 5 yr old who has just been devastated by her dad walking out on her?  She had not seen him in two weeks and she missed him so much.  He was in military and had been put out of our house for physical abuse.  He was angry with me and this was his way of lashing out at me, by hurting her.  And yes, he has the gene of BPD.  I can't begin to tell you how horrific life was with him!  

So my daughter suffered a traumatic situation at a young age, and it continued.  She always tried to reach out to him to be loved by her dad and he would do things to hurt her over and over again.  She eventually started yelling at him, hanging up on him as she got older.  He would promise to take her and her brother to places, and then not follow through.  It has been one heart break after another with her father.  Her brother (our son) decided not to reach to him, but has decided to get counseling because he always wanted his father in his life and now as an adult he realizes that in some ways it has impacted him.  He does not have the gene, and he and I have a great relationship.   I will try to  implement the steps of "SET" if I get a chance... whenever that will be (hopefully during this upcoming Thanksgiving time frame).   Any advice is much appreciated.  Do you have any special prayers?  I am looking for a miracle.  And by the way, she does not think she has anything wrong with her other than anxiety and depression "caused by me, her mother".

My daughter still blames me for not having a relationship with her dad.  I just want all of the sadness on her part to end. 

Thank you for listening.

[mygirl1981]

Thank you for a place to share among those who understand this very hurtful unfortunate place of sadness with a broken heart.  

My daughter is mad at me because she and her husband were in an argument and in order to bring peace to their home which has been very chaotic, my husband (her step-father) and I agreed to let the husband come to our home for a few days.  Our daughter felt betrayed even though it was just for a few days (three days).  We told her he would stay for a few days, which she said means "2", but he stayed for three and she said we lied to her.  She stopped talking to us.  She was pregnant at the time, and shortly thereafter she had the baby and did not let me know when she was going to deliver.  Her husband had to find another place to live for a few months but after the baby was born, he went by the house, not knowing if the baby was actually born yet or not.  He took a chance and she opened the door and let him see his one and only child.  He was hurt that she did not allow him to be here for the birth of the baby, but was so happy she let him see his baby girl.  

Since that time, she has allowed him to be involved and they see each other regularly.  He has not moved back yet, but they have decided to reconcile.  He has kept me posted on how things are going.  My baby granddaughter is almost a month old and I have not seen her  because my daughter feels that I betrayed her and that it is unforgivable.  She is punishing me by not allowing me to see the baby and by not talking to me either.  It is very painful.  There is so much to the story.  She has two twin daughters that she gave up to the father without even discussing with me.  We see them periodically when we pay for them to come home.  They are adorable, but my daughters erratic behavior has cost us to practically loose them.  She has been in and out of custody and child support battle.  I took up the battle and started paying for the court and attorney fees just to try to keep the twins in our lives with the hope that some day we would win them back.  

My daughter has suffered alot of stress and depression form the court battles, and also blames me for the continued fight in the court because I asked her not to give up on fighting for the girls.  She feels I care more about them than her and blames for her depression and anxiety.   We found this great attorney who has supported us in the court hearing and who we became close to.  When my daughter stopped talking to me, the attorney reached out to her (without my knowledge)and let her know that she felt she (my daughter) was wrong in how she was treating me and that I have always been there for her.  This infuriated my daughter and she said she was double betrayed by me and said she was "done" with me.  :-(   It has been an off and on relationship for the past 7 years.  I am worn out, sad, and have been to clinical counseling, spiritual counseling and have had family and friends praying for her and for me.  She has allowed her sister to see the baby and sent pics to her sister and brother, which they shared with me and I shared with my family (parents and siblings).   She is adorable!  

My parents are coming for Thanksgiving in hopes to see her and the baby and to try to mend the relationship and get her to return to the family once again (and to open her heart to me again).  Its so heavy.  My daughter also has a son who is 9, that she won't allow me to see.  So the twins are with their father, my grandson is here with her, but I can't see him and my daughter has a newborn that I can't see.   She told her husband she does not want him to talk to me again.  He told her that he is going to call me one more time to at least explain why he is not calling me.  I told him I understood (because he does not want her to sever the relationship again as he loves his baby girl and does not want to jeopardize the relationship he has with his baby).  He has wanted a child for years and is so happy she got pregnant one more time.  He is her 4th husband, and he is praying he will be her last.  He loves her so much.  He does feel somewhat helpless by her domineering controlling ways as a result of her BPD.

I bought the books -  "I hate you, don't leave" ; "Talking to a loved one with BPD" and "Stop walking one Eggshells".  I am currently reading "I hate you don't leave".  I have found myself in the past running behind my daughter trying to let her know that I love her, sending her text messages, etc.  Once it took her over a year to talk cordially to me.  I felt like I had no value and seemingly place all the value on her and making her more important than myself, just to try to restore the relationship.  And it has never really been that great, in that I have to always pick and choose my words carefully so as not to upset her.  I've read when there has been trauma in the life of a child it can be a root issue that breeds personality disorders, especially BPD.  Her birth father abandoned her when she was young, about 5 yrs old.  We were separated, he came to "supposedly" see her. I decided to run errand while they visited, and he started to pick an argument, so I decided to hurry and leave to avoid the argument, and as I left out of the door, I saw where he had blocked me in in order to prevent me from going anywhere.  We had a carport, and I was not able to back out unless he backed our first.  Sadly, after only being therefor about 10 minutes and our daughter clinging to him for life as she was so happy to see him, he got mad and said "you're not going anywhere, I'm leaving!". Our daughter yelled out "don't leave daddy!" and he kept walking, and she ran after him and held on to his clothes begging him to stay, and he kept walking to his car while she clung to his clothes begging him "don't leave".  When he got to the car, he tore her hands from his clothes and got in the car, and she started jumping up and down screaming "daddy! daddy!" as he drove off.  She ran over to me, as I stood on the lawn taking it all in, and refusing to yell at him (as it would make matters worse).  I picked her up and she was kicking and screaming and very angry.  When we got in the house, she said "Why did you make him leave?"  Of course I told her I did not, but how can you explain that to a screaming 5 yr old who has just been devastated by her dad walking out on her?  She had not seen him in two weeks and she missed him so much.  He was in military and had been put out of our house for physical abuse.  He was angry with me and this was his way of lashing out at me, by hurting her.  And yes, he has the gene of BPD.  I can't begin to tell you how horrific life was with him!  

So my daughter suffered a traumatic situation at a young age, and it continued.  She always tried to reach out to him to be loved by her dad and he would do things to hurt her over and over again.  She eventually started yelling at him, hanging up on him as she got older.  He would promise to take her and her brother to places, and then not follow through.  It has been one heart break after another with her father.  Her brother (our son) decided not to reach to him, but has decided to get counseling because he always wanted his father in his life and now as an adult he realizes that in some ways it has impacted him.  He does not have the gene, and he and I have a great relationship.   I will try to  implement the steps of "SET" if I get a chance... whenever that will be (hopefully during this upcoming Thanksgiving time frame).   Any advice is much appreciated.  Do you have any special prayers?  I am looking for a miracle.  And by the way, she does not think she has anything wrong with her other than anxiety and depression "caused by me, her mother".

My daughter still blames me for not having a relationship with her dad.  I just want all of the sadness on her part to end. 

Thank you for listening.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[FaithHopeLove]

Hello MyGirl
Welcome to the parenting group. We are glad you are here. I am so sorry for all you are going through with your daughter. There are several grandparents here in similar situations. I am sure they will be along shortly to share their advice. Meanwhile since you asked for a prayer recommendation let me point to the first line of the Serenity Prayer from the 12 step groups (originally written by Reinhold Niebuhr) "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change." This prayer helps me when I hit roadblocks and there is nothing more I can do. Maybe it will help you too.
Hugs
Faith

[Blueskyday]

Ohh my Lord you couldn't't make this up. I can feel your pain through your words. I am glad you found us.

I see similarities . My dtr's Father left completely when she was 12 and he never looked back. She insists she has no "Daddy issues" and doesn't care. When she got pregnant and we were estranged she reached out to his family. He was in a different country and did't get involved. She rejected them again.

Now we are estranged and I think she may reach out to him again. She's also done with me.
She has one child who is thankfully old enough to be able to articulate she needs to be with me.

The children always suffer. My sister was BPD if not a total psychopath. I see these bpd traits in my daughter. I am codependent. I love to be loved.

Like you I did a lot of work on myself but its never going to be enough.

The children will grow we just need to keep the ones we can in our lives