Would greatly appreciate advice on how to respond

[Blueskyday]

Hello to all.
Firstly a huge thanks to everyone who has held my hand through these last weeks. I am aware I have been somewhat prolific **rolls eyes**

Following our estrangement my dtr told the Grandchild that she may take her away over Christmas. The child said she didn't want to go to Italy and wanted to be with me.

She abused me over email after I said more than I should when telling her I got the all clear at the breast clinic and then spammed me eventually saying lets go back to not speaking..

Of course it's impossible not to communicate with me literally being the other parent to the child. It feels more like divorce to be honest. The child has spent every Christmas in my home and one more birthday with me than her Mother.

So I email. We need to talk about Christmas. I need to know if and when I can see the child.

She responded so I guess Italy fell through.

She said that the child has said she would rather be with me. Her friend has invited them but the friend's house is so dirty she doesn't't want to subject her to that.

She said

If we can't sort this out then the child would be better spending Christmas with me as she can't cook and will be fine on her own. She said I've accepted she would rather be with you.

I have no idea how to respond

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[FaithHopeLove]

Don't worry about being "prolific.' That is what we are here for. I think it is great news that your GD will be with you this Christmas. How about you keep your response to your d short and sweet. Maybe say something like "If that is what you think is best those plans are fine with me." What do you think?

[Blueskyday]

Ohh Faith really?
Can I take the child and leave her all alone at Christmas?
This goes against my nurturing side.
Is this my co dependence talking?

She has left me alone though, many a time .

On the other hand it does feel like a huge manipulation on her part.

I really don't want to be with her over Christmas. I am worried about the child's emotional health .
She will notice we are estranged.

Something to bring up in group

[FaithHopeLove]

Of course the best thing would be to have a baby sitter for her but this seems like a no win situation. I am thinking your GD may be better off with you even without supervision than in Italy with her drunken mother. Again not ideal just the lesser of two evils. Just my opinion. Not gospel

[Blueskyday]

Poor kid was all over the place. She said her Mother went out Friday night and left her with her friend.
 She woke up and made her own breakfast. Her Mother woke at 12 and gave her a sandwich then slept till 7pm. She was sent to bed at 8.30. 1.5 hrs with her Mother after breakfast and after school clubs all week then bed.
 How drunk must she have been to sleep the whole day?

I think she underestimated the support she got from me. It's unravelled in less than a month. I don't think she wants the kid at all now I'm not propping her up


Little one was a bit difficult today and confused. She pushed my buttons which she never has to do.
 I recognise this as seeing how I will react. I knew she wasn't't happy when I collected her.
I firmly but kindly said "enough now"

She immediately broke down in tears and said her Mother is shouting at her "Go do what you want, you're ruling the house"..She feels like shes a bad kid. We played and she cheered up.

She was recreating the actions at home to see if she got a different response..I explained to her that she's a good kid and all kids are exasperating at times. It's normal. I think I have made this kid really cry 2x in 8 yrs ...

We had gone to town and had some food. She scootered around. We came home and I cooked her prawns and pasta. She acted up again not wanting to go home.

So I took her home. I asked my dtr to call me.

My dtr was full of woe is me. Apparently she is farming the child out on Tuesday as shes "out for dinner" code for a Tinder date fgs..So she cried and said the child is "ruling my life" "Holding me to ransom". Aĺl exactly as the child had worded what shes shouting at her for taking a piece of fruit etc when shes been told not to.

She said it's 1 night a week which isn't true as the child is telling me more than she knows.She is being sent to sleepover where she's not comfortable on a school night despite arranging her own sitter for the weekend after. She is 8.

So I said..You and I need to decide what is happening. The child is confused . She said she can't be that person who makes Christmas for the child. Her house is not comfortable. She can't cook. She would rather the child was with me.

I explained to her that she will need to tell the child that she decided this then. I said it would be more appropriate for me to have the child boxing day but she insists not. That's how it was left

I think this is a bad move on my part if I allow this. As much as I love this kid I am not her Mother. I think I need to see her boxing day.

What a mess!

[Blueskyday]

I have told her that I am collecting the child on Boxing day. Every bit of my codependence wants to rescue the child. I can't do it. It's over involvement and hopeless entanglement.

I have been a caretaker and didn't see how bad it was.

She said she "strongly urges me to take her child at Christmas". This tells me everything I need to know about how involved, enmeshed  I have been.

She then said we should put on a "united front" for just one day. No! That's not what I want at all. I would rather be alone to be honest on Christmas day.

I need to detach

[FaithHopeLove]

I am glad to see you setting healthy boundaries and being true to yourself. I know this isn't easy.

[Blueskyday]

It is so hard. I can't be in a room with her over Christmas. How would that even work. I have had the door slammed in my face repeatedly. She is saying she is suicidal yet she's dating and partying every other night. She knows my brother took his own life

I know she will tell the child that I have said they are not allowed to come at Christmas. She has the child firmly in the middle.

I am concerned but I refuse to allow her to manipulate me any longer.

I have done for her more than enough of what she is capable of doing herself. If she can't cook then she needs to take the child out for dinner on Christmas day. I strongly urge you was one step down from I command you. She has no power over me now.
Let the chips fall where they may. I am disengaged

[Blueskyday]

I am looking up Parental alienation in order that I don't fall further into this trap.

The child said Grandma I did tell Mum I told you about Italy as she asked me to pinky promise I hadn''t. This was when I took her home and her Mother was drunk Sunday before last.

 I explained that I would never say anything to her and then say  ""Don't tell Mummy". I am telling her her Mother is wrong in doing this I am aware.

I said I will not disclose anything she confides in me either.


I said Mum is going through some stuff when she described the neglect over the weekend. I said she can always call me if there is an emergency.

She said Grandma, at least I have someone to talk to about this with. It is so hard not to condemn my daughter. I know I will hurt the child if I do. I am genuinely trying as hard as I can.