Close to a new custody agreement

[worriedStepmom]

We're in the final stages of putting together a new custody agreement for SD12.  The new agreement restricts mom to 8-hour periods during the day on Saturday and Sundays of the 1st, 3rd, and 5th weekends, and gives her a few additional 8-hour periods for holidays and the summer.

Since her hospitalization in August, uBPDmom has made an effort to be a better parent (as far as we can tell she's stopped actively emotionally abusing SD) and has been pretty quiet on the parenting app.  She has gone back to work.  This has left SD12 VERY conflicted, because she wants to believe that mom is truly better. 

I know the disordered thinking hasn't gone away.  A few weeks ago uBPDmom switched Ts (because the other one figured her out) and last week mom made a post on the parenting app that made me laugh out loud at the sheer insanity.  I know that she isn't capable of keeping it together for very long, and that soon something will happen in her life so that uBPDmom dumps all her frustrations on SD again.

I think I need validation that it's okay to keep moving to a restricted schedule even though at the moment uBPDmom is behaving.  That we don't need to wait until all heck breaks loose again.

[CoherentMoose]

Steady as she goes, continue with the custody modification is my two cents worth.  Long term, demonstrated improved behavior of your SD's mother will allow you to increase the visitation time in the future.  It seems to me that is in the best interest of your SD.  Good luck.  jdc

[livednlearned]

I need validation that it's okay to keep moving to a restricted schedule even though at the moment uBPDmom is behaving.

Could she be behaving because she's in a depressive state? My ex seemed to go through something similar when he felt he was losing. He kind of resigned himself.

And then he cycled back and his erratic behavior came back with a vengeance.

It was almost like the calmness of that period triggered him, if that makes sense. Either because he felt there should be some kind of reward for temporarily holding it together, or because the lack of drama made other feelings more apparent, and he reacted to those emotions.

It might be a good idea to tell SD that the arrangement will be in place for an extended period so that everyone can adjust, including mom, whose emotions will likely cycle throughout the year. Giving it lots of time will allow everyone to see what the longterm look of this arrangement is, rather than reacting to what might be temporary respites in her mood cycles.

[worriedStepmom]

It was almost like the calmness of that period triggered him, if that makes sense. Either because he felt there should be some kind of reward for temporarily holding it together, or because the lack of drama made other feelings more apparent, and he reacted to those emotions.

Yes!  There's been a pattern that mom behaves for 6-8 weeks and then when she doesn't get immediate results she acts out even worse.    We're at week 9 now, which is part of what is making me twitchy.  She hasn't been this good for this long ever.  I am confident that as soon as an agreement in place the bad behavior will resume, but I hate the idea that we are the trigger.  I remind myself that she's the one who traumatized her kid for 2.5 months this summer.

SD wants to go back to 50/50, but only if mom has been behaving for at least 6 months.   She told me that she doesn't think mom would be capable of that until SD is close to 18.

[GaGrl]

I think you have to proceed on the history you have, and protect that precious SS.

[david]

I second that. I have been divorced since 2010. This last Mothers Day ex sent an email asking if she could see the boys. I agreed. When she dropped them off they told me a story. Ex told them I was the number two marijuana distributor in the city of Philadelphia and that I grow the stuff in the city parks. She claimed that my mother told her that recently. My mother had passed away years ago.
If she gets better I will know it and things can change. I would not place any money on that.

[mart555]

I am confident that as soon as an agreement in place the bad behavior will resume, but I hate the idea that we are the trigger.  I remind myself that she's the one who traumatized her kid for 2.5 months this summer.

Could SD be the trigger?  When she leaves after a visit the mom feels abandoned every time? 

I'm saying this because my ex hasn't seen the kids in 4 months (I requested visits to be supervised and she whines that she has no one in her life, no friends, no family, nobody that can supervise) and she hasn't written nasty emails or did anything incorrect. Everything is calm.  I'd say the calm before the storm but it has been ~3 months without anything.  She is not more reasonable with regards to the divorce however.. (won't return my car keys). 

Might be depression just like livednlearned is saying. 

[PeteWitsend]

...

I think I need validation that it's okay to keep moving to a restricted schedule even though at the moment uBPDmom is behaving.  That we don't need to wait until all heck breaks loose again.

Allow me to get a little Zen for a moment:

I look at this kind of thing as "water flowing to it's lowest point" with "water" being the conflict/chaos the pwBPD will create

You know what she's capable of, and how she will inevitably act, so the legal arrangements here need to be tailored to that, not the fleeting "best behavior" scenario.  the arrangement, enforceable at law, needs to be designed to accommodate where the "water" will go. 

I think I'd talk to SD and explain the rationale here; she knows what her mom is capable of, and it's better for both her and her mom that things are arranged for how her mom will behave, not how she wishes it could be.  hopefully she appreciates that

[worriedStepmom]

I knew y'all would make me feel better.  Thank you for giving me a hand out of a weak moment.

H reminded me that uBPDmom has been much less interested in SD lately.  She stopped calling SD (they were having supervised twice weekly calls), didn't seem to notice that SD ignored her at the last soccer game, and has given up multiple days of visitation with various excuses.

We'll continue to get this new schedule in place.

SD sees her T tomorrow.  We usually have good conversations in the car after that and I will try to delve into her feelings about mom and the impending schedule change again.

[mart555]

SD wants to go back to 50/50, but only if mom has been behaving for at least 6 months.   She told me that she doesn't think mom would be capable of that until SD is close to 18.

I'm guessing SD wants this because she's feeling guilty.  I wish there was an option to say "X has primary custody.  SD can decide to visit her mom when she wants"

[worriedStepmom]

I'm guessing SD wants this because she's feeling guilty.  I wish there was an option to say "X has primary custody.  SD can decide to visit her mom when she wants"

The problem with that, in a BPD family, is that it would lead to IMMENSE pressure on the kid from the disordered parent.  We saw some of that this summer when mom thought SD had more say on visitation than SD actually has. 

In our last big conversation I told SD that when she gets her own car, at 16 or 17, she will have a lot more say over how much time she spends with her mom.  By then, (hopefully) she'll be mature enough to realize "this is bad for me" and walk out.   .

[mart555]

The problem with that, in a BPD family, is that it would lead to IMMENSE pressure on the kid from the disordered parent.  We saw some of that this summer when mom thought SD had more say on visitation than SD actually has. 

Thanks. That's a bit what I feared.  But on the other hand, if the visit is Saturday from 12 to 8pm and it turns out that she's having a bad Saturday, she will likely not tell SD to skip the visit (she won't want to lose the visit) and it will turn into a pretty bad visit..

[worriedStepmom]

But on the other hand, if the visit is Saturday from 12 to 8pm and it turns out that she's having a bad Saturday, she will likely not tell SD to skip the visit (she won't want to lose the visit) and it will turn into a pretty bad visit.

When we talked to SD about potential schedules she said she could handle the bad days if she knew that she could come home and reset that evening.  SD says she can find a way to hide (headphones, a book) during the day, but she and mom share a room so at night there is no way to get away.  We're trying to build the agreement as a stair-step so if there are a few really bad days, mom goes straight to supervised visitation.