What to do next? Fight or move on?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I've posted about this before, but here's a brief summary: Two and a half years ago I met my new partner (we're getting married next month), which seriously triggered my Borderline ex-wife, who subsequently began a relentless legal harassment and parental alienation campaign to gain full custody of our now 15 year old son. A year and a half a go my son said he didn't want to be involved in any of the conflict and wanted to maintain shared custody. At a court hearing a year ago, shared custody was maintained and my ex-wife was given a stern warning from the judge to get help for herself. Nonetheless, she spent the next 8 months working our son to the breaking point until he told his court appointed lawyer that he wanted to live with her full time. Thus, at a second court hearing this past September she was awarded full custody, and now I only see him two weekends per month. In the meantime she has continued her games and tries to disrupt the limited time I now have with him.

At the court hearing, the judge didn't even look at the mountain of evidence of her behavior, but simply awarded custody based on what my son was coerced to say. I'm supposed to be back in court for a final hearing in April, but the whole thing has been so emotionally and financially devastating that I'm not sure I can go through with it.

So, what I'm asking is: Do I continue to fight, even if it just means getting an iron clad agreement in place? Or do I cut my losses and focus on repairing my relationship with my son?

NB: The case was hear in the jurisdiction of Quebec, not in the US

[Dionysius]

I've posted about this before, but here's a brief summary: Two and a half years ago I met my new partner (we're getting married next month), which seriously triggered my Borderline ex-wife, who subsequently began a relentless legal harassment and parental alienation campaign to gain full custody of our now 15 year old son. A year and a half a go my son said he didn't want to be involved in any of the conflict and wanted to maintain shared custody. At a court hearing a year ago, shared custody was maintained and my ex-wife was given a stern warning from the judge to get help for herself. Nonetheless, she spent the next 8 months working our son to the breaking point until he told his court appointed lawyer that he wanted to live with her full time. Thus, at a second court hearing this past September she was awarded full custody, and now I only see him two weekends per month. In the meantime she has continued her games and tries to disrupt the limited time I now have with him.

At the court hearing, the judge didn't even look at the mountain of evidence of her behavior, but simply awarded custody based on what my son was coerced to say. I'm supposed to be back in court for a final hearing in April, but the whole thing has been so emotionally and financially devastating that I'm not sure I can go through with it.

So, what I'm asking is: Do I continue to fight, even if it just means getting an iron clad agreement in place? Or do I cut my losses and focus on repairing my relationship with my son?

NB: The case was hear in the jurisdiction of Quebec, not in the US

[sweetheart]

If it were me I would stop fighting and focus on the relationship with your son. He will soon be old enough, to hopefully get some space from his mother and make some decisions for himself. Hopefully.

My worry is that every time it goes to court, your ex digs down deeper with your son and more emotional damage is done each time.

Would your son understand why you might decide to stop fighting for him?
Could you let him know if you do decide to stop that it’s because you feel it’s causing too much upset for everyone?

You could let him know it doesn’t change how you feel about him or how much you want him in your life? Even though I’m sure he would already know that deep down.

[ForeverDad]

Does your son have a court authorized counselor?  It sounds like he doesn't?  With one parent pitted against the other and the child in the middle, that's no place he wants to be.  There's a section in Richard Warshak's Divorce Poison which describes how it's not surprising that the child, even one in his teens, chooses the aggressive parent hoping that then the pressuring is less.  And the mentally healthy parent gets trashed.  Well, that's not a good solution, his mother will pressure and tear down any good boundaries he may want to make or establish.

Sweetheart is right, in two or three years he will be legally free to break or restore any relationships he chooses.  Too, soon he will probably be old enough to drive and he can "vote with his feet" pretty much regardless what the court orders.  The question is whether he would choose stability, peace, healthy relationship, etc.

My lawyer (in USA) said, "Courts love counseling."  If your son doesn't have a counselor then your court may agree to order counseling for him.  If so, then how to reduce the risk of the ex controlling the selection so he gets an enabling, inexperienced, gullible counselor that she could sway to her side?  One way that has worked in the past with courts is to be the first to present a short list of vetted counselors who have a good reputation of unbiased reporting to the court.  (My lawyer stated to me that his choice for Custody evaluator was someone he'd worked with before.  His words were, "He's like god to the courts, it always follows his recommendations."  And he was most excellent.)

Once your short vetted list is proposed to the court then the other parent is to choose from among them only.  Courts can see this as both parents involved in the selection process.

Do you think your son has been subsumed (totally taken over) or he's just trying to survive?  Factors such as that may help you to determine which paths are "less bad" for you.

Just make sure you tell him you're not abandoning him or giving up on him, whatever your legal decisions are.  You can bet that she's been telling him - and will keep doing so - that you don't care about him, abandoned him by choosing to remarry, and worse.

[Panda39]

ForeverDad has given you some good ideas.  I have pulled some information on parental alienation that you might find helpful, just click on the link https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=104479.0

My partner went through Parental Alienation too, with his then D15 and D11, I know it's horribly painful.  He had this going on during his divorce but there were others involved...the girls had a Therapist and there was a child custody elevator too.  The other things he had working in his favor was the fact that his uBPDxw didn't drive so anytime the girls needed to go somewhere he was the driver - so he was able to see his kids at least briefly.  What he also did was be consistent when it came to his daughters, always called as scheduled (even if they refused to talk to him), always showed up for visitation (even if they refused to see him).  He made sure that they knew he was there and he loved them.

In my partner's case he was awarded majority custody in the final decree (M-F morning + 1 weekend) mom ended up with 3 weekends.  Mom basically shot herself in the foot (several times).

You know your situation best but I like ForeverDad's approach in terms of getting others involved...shine a light on what is going on.  I know it's exhausting and expensive (my partners divorce took 2 years) but I don't know if I could leave my child alienated with an abusive parent without trying.  My partner and I would talk about this very subject and he always felt that if he didn't fight for his daughters now that he would end up with an even bigger problem (messed up kids) on his doorstep later. 

Panda39

[livednlearned]

What's he like when he's with you during those two weekends?