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Author Topic: Grown daughter has cut me out of her life  (Read 552 times)
DustyL

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Relationship status: No contact
Posts: 6


« on: November 20, 2019, 09:08:20 PM »

My adult daughter, with whom I’ve had a close relationship throughout her 20’s has now cut me out of her life. She tells me now that I caused emotional abuse and didn’t love her enough. She views her dad (my husband) as a passive observer to my bad parenting. She still communicates with him. I’m devastated by this latest bombshell. She is getting therapy for bpd in the state where she now lives. She just recently moved. Any advice for how to cope with this appreciated. Our daughter is 31. The youngest of our 3 and only daughter. I wasn’t a perfect parent but cannot believe I caused her trauma. My husband agrees. We are in a very loving and supportive marriage  Paragraph header  (click to insert in post)
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Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders
FaithHopeLove
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Relationship status: Shaky
Posts: 1606



« Reply #1 on: November 21, 2019, 12:45:36 AM »

Hello Dustyl
Welcome to the parenting group. I am glad you are here and sorry for what brings you here. It must be devastating to be cut off like that by your dear daughter. Has she been diagnosed with BPD or do you suspect she has it because of her behavior? Either way it is very possible that it is the disease that is causing her to act this way not anything you did or did not do. The good news is things can get better. You can learn the communication skills that are taught here and improve your relationship. Have a look around. You can start by clicking the link at the top of the page that says "how to get the most out of this site." Is there something in particular you would like to learn about first? We are all here for you.
Hugs
Faith
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DustyL

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Relationship status: No contact
Posts: 6


« Reply #2 on: November 21, 2019, 09:23:51 AM »

Thank you Faith
Our daughter told us earlier this year that she was receiving treatment for bpd which we assume meant she had been given that diagnosis. She had already informed me that she needed a break from me and I needed to respect that. Which I have, painfully so even though it made little sense to us at the time. We had a bizarre encounter with her that left us confused and concerned for her. In an angry dialogue she laid the blame for her struggles squarely on me. My husband and I are completely baffled by this. My daughter and I had always been very close. Certainly there were challenging years when she was a teen but she seemed to blossom into a mature intelligent capable young woman. She obtained a college degree and worked as a professional through most of her twenties. She and I remained close during that time. This latest stunning revaluation seems to come at us out of the blue although we know that’s not likely to be the the case. My husband and I are just very confused and concerned. And I’m crushed at suddenly being completely cut from her life and how much anger she seems to have toward me. I’m learning all I can about bpd but how cathartic it might be to hear from others that we are not alone in this situation. 
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FaithHopeLove
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Relationship status: Shaky
Posts: 1606



« Reply #3 on: November 21, 2019, 09:50:38 AM »

You are definitely not alone in your situation. We have all experienced similar things with our children. It is not unusual for people with BPD to switch back and forth between idolizing us and blaming us for everything. That is how they process their emotions. Their boundaries are weak. They have a hard time seeing others as separate from them.  When they are happy they assume it is because we are wonderful. When they feel bad they assume it is because we are horrible. It is hard but you can learn not to take it personally and find ways of communicating better.
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DustyL

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Relationship status: No contact
Posts: 6


« Reply #4 on: November 21, 2019, 10:02:17 AM »

My greatest hope, Faith. For now I am respecting her need of no contact with me. At least she still contacts her dad. We are currently paying for her treatment. She has added PTSD to her diagnosis. We just don’t know what to think. She’s vague in her accusations. I didn’t love her with a healthy love. I wasn’t nurturing. She was emotionally and verbally abused. Her siblings do not back this up as they remember their growing up years. I hope to gain greater perspective from this site and personal therapy that I am receiving for myself. My husband is extremely supportive but feels ‘caught in the middle’ as you might imagine. He loves me and our daughter so much.  He hates seeing us both in pain
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Blueskyday
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Posts: 333


« Reply #5 on: November 21, 2019, 11:02:57 AM »

Hi there, I am in a situation much like yours currently. I was rejected and slandered and cast out. She wants contact only at Christmas as she cant cook. I said no.

I am a bit confused why your husband is caught in the middle. Does he fear backin you up will alienate her entirely? If so she is dividing you.

My 30yr old said when she came off her meds she started to " remember things from when she was a teenager". None of this was spoken of..She just became consistently rude and mean out of the blue. I know sometimes when people go to a bad therapist they can validate the patient's skewed perspective much as a drug withdrawal might.

Sounds as though she harboured resentment you were unaware of, maybe for years
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DustyL

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Relationship status: No contact
Posts: 6


« Reply #6 on: November 21, 2019, 11:21:28 AM »

Bluesky I’m sorry for your experience. I know it must be painful for you. My husband wants to maintain a positive communication line between him and our daughter but he knows how much I’m hurt by her not wanting to communicate with me and blaming me for her struggles. He’s setting boundaries with her in what she can expect from their relationship. That it can’t be warm and wonderful while she shuts me out. So he’s just trying to find that balance between taking care of both us. And I recognize and care for the stress he feels in his efforts. As you know everyone in the family is affected by the disorder. I wish you well as you navigate the tough journey. It’s so hard!
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Blueskyday
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Posts: 333


« Reply #7 on: November 21, 2019, 11:34:18 AM »

Yes, I understand. It's awful that it can't be warm and fuzzy. It should be warm and fuzzy.

Nobody wins in this game
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Harvester

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Relationship status: Unsure
Posts: 23



« Reply #8 on: January 17, 2020, 04:15:25 PM »

Your post hit me hard.  My adult daughter was recently diagnosed with BPD.  As is typical with me, I rushed in to try to help, and now she has cut me off.  It’s only been a couple of days, but the realization that this could be indefinite is almost like a death in the family.  I haven’t been able to function since she cut me out.  I can’t stand the thought of waking up everyday wondering if she’s going to contact me.  But, as a result of reading your situation, I came to the conclusion that if this is what my daughter needs to get better, then this is what needs to happen.  I’ve been reading up on BPD since her diagnosis, and I pray I get the opportunity to try again with some of the tools I’ve been shown.  In the meantime, I need to fill the void her absence has created.  I’m thinking of joining Big Sisters.
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DustyL

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Relationship status: No contact
Posts: 6


« Reply #9 on: January 17, 2020, 07:46:34 PM »

Hello Harvester, I want you to know I understand your pain completely.  Losing contact with a beloved daughter feels like grief.  It is a kind of loss that hurts deeply. I am seeking the help of a therapist in order to cope with being cut off from my daughter's life.  This professional has been wonderful in helping to explore all the issues my daughter is facing and why she may be blaming me. I have many hard and lonely days even though my husband is a very strong and supportive partner for me.  I want you to know you are not alone in this and in those dark moments try to hold on to hope.  I truly believe things will get better.  It's just not likely to happen as quickly as we'd like.  Hopefully I will be able to update with some encouraging news as my daughter has reached out to me recently and wants to participate in a joint therapy session.  I won't discuss the details of the session, of course, but my husband and I are hoping it will lead to better understanding and perhaps more communication in the future.  Please share in this forum as you need to.  I will be ready to listen and offer support in what I know is a very difficult journey.  Take care of yourself.  Breathe...
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Harvester

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Relationship status: Unsure
Posts: 23



« Reply #10 on: January 17, 2020, 08:07:13 PM »

Oh My Gosh!  Wonderful news that your daughter is open to joint therapy with you!  This is what I hope for.  Thank you for responding and for sharing.  I don’t know what’s ahead for my daughter and me, but I have faith it will, one day, be okay.  Keep the faith! ❤️
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Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders
DustyL

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Relationship status: No contact
Posts: 6


« Reply #11 on: January 17, 2020, 08:24:32 PM »

Walking this road along with you Harvester ♥️
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Harvester

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Relationship status: Unsure
Posts: 23



« Reply #12 on: January 17, 2020, 09:10:25 PM »

So much appreciated.   Prayers for both of us.
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