Ex is to have supervised visitation with our S3

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Just for some background, I have not had any contact with my ex in over a year. The relationship was very physically and emotionally abusive, and he has demonstrated his propensity to be violent and dangerous on many occasions.

Currently, ex is living sporadically in motels (and sometimes on the street) with his new gf, and I have reason to believe through messages he has sent to me (which I do not answer) that he is still using drugs. In child support court today, he asked for visitation and I told the court that I could only agree to supervised visits. The judge said she could set that up if both parties agree. He agreed to it, so now we will have the visitation set up through a facilitator. He is to get one hour a week and the visits will be at the center behind the juvenile court.

I was in the middle of a severe panic attack in court and I did not ask whether or not he will be drug tested, but I plan to call the facilitator and discuss my concerns with her about his sobriety.

I am wondering about the impact this will have on my son. My ex had supervised visits set up with our other three children last year, and he only went to one visit (after not seeing hem for almost two years). He canceled the next two visits and then the facilitator stopped returning his calls about rescheduling. I believe it is a different woman now, but I am worried that he will do the same inconsistent visitation with my almost-four-year-old son.

I saw the impact it had on my other kids when he dropped out of their lives and briefly came back for one token visit. I don't want that to happen to my youngest. He is still young, still remembers his dad and doesn't understand why he has not seen him. He does not ask for him anymore, and I don't know how these visits will affect him.

Anyone have experience with an unstable and inconsistent parent suddenly getting supervised visits, or with the impact that resumed visitation can have after an absent parent comes back into the picture?

[I Am Redeemed]

Just for some background, I have not had any contact with my ex in over a year. The relationship was very physically and emotionally abusive, and he has demonstrated his propensity to be violent and dangerous on many occasions.

Currently, ex is living sporadically in motels (and sometimes on the street) with his new gf, and I have reason to believe through messages he has sent to me (which I do not answer) that he is still using drugs. In child support court today, he asked for visitation and I told the court that I could only agree to supervised visits. The judge said she could set that up if both parties agree. He agreed to it, so now we will have the visitation set up through a facilitator. He is to get one hour a week and the visits will be at the center behind the juvenile court.

I was in the middle of a severe panic attack in court and I did not ask whether or not he will be drug tested, but I plan to call the facilitator and discuss my concerns with her about his sobriety.

I am wondering about the impact this will have on my son. My ex had supervised visits set up with our other three children last year, and he only went to one visit (after not seeing hem for almost two years). He canceled the next two visits and then the facilitator stopped returning his calls about rescheduling. I believe it is a different woman now, but I am worried that he will do the same inconsistent visitation with my almost-four-year-old son.

I saw the impact it had on my other kids when he dropped out of their lives and briefly came back for one token visit. I don't want that to happen to my youngest. He is still young, still remembers his dad and doesn't understand why he has not seen him. He does not ask for him anymore, and I don't know how these visits will affect him.

Anyone have experience with an unstable and inconsistent parent suddenly getting supervised visits, or with the impact that resumed visitation can have after an absent parent comes back into the picture?

[livednlearned]

Anyone have experience with an unstable and inconsistent parent suddenly getting supervised visits, or with the impact that resumed visitation can have after an absent parent comes back into the picture?

My son was older (young adolescent) when he stopped seeing his dad. Then his dad reached out sporadically through email and text messages. He's gone completely now.

S is now 18 and very blunt about how he thinks of family. He does not believe in family as a bond. To him, trust is how he defines relationships. He has told me he trusts me, but not because I am his mother. He trusts me because I am consistent and do what I say I'll do and put his needs ahead of my own when he was a kid. Last week he told his T while I was sitting there that he respects me (while also pointing out a few flaws  ). Can't have it all I guess.

One thing I learned over time is that it wasn't so much what the grief was about as how I and other caring adults helped him manage it. I learned to let him grieve about his dad not fear the intensity of those feelings.

I found it helpful to talk to a child psychologist when my son was 10, to ask how to manage situations that were completely out of my depth. A few sessions went a long way giving me a roadmap for a few years.

[I Am Redeemed]

Thanks, LnL,

S will be four in about two weeks. He's a pretty resilient kid, but I want to take steps to support him because this is hard, really hard.

I am planning to resume therapy soon so perhaps that will help me to be able to be present with my son and help him navigate his feelings.

I wish I could shield him from this but in the long run it's probably much more beneficial for him if I can help him learn to process the feelings instead of protecting him from them.